How many relationships should you have before settling down with ‘the one’?
by Emily Maywood | November 4, 2011
{ 17 comments... read them below or add one}
Have you ever been in a relationship with a great person and wondered if this person was the right person for you? Do you imagine who else you might be with if you hadn’t met them? Is there an ideal number of relationships one should have before settling down? Peter Todd, professor of informatics and cognitive science at Indiana University, says yes and he has the answer.
The short answer: 12. You should have 12 relationships before you settle down.
Here’s why: According to an interview with Todd in this month’s issue of Wired magazine, we should establish a baseline, otherwise described a point of reference, in order to clearly understand our relationship standards. Todd contends that 12 is roughly the number of relationships it will take to build up our baseline standards. Once our baseline is set, we should settle down with the next person we meet who exceeds our baseline standards. It’s so simple!
This doesn’t mean there isn’t any wiggle room. It’s unrealistic to expect 100% of the population to find true love on their thirteenth relationship. It could be a few more, or a few less. Likewise, if you have 12 horrible relationships in a row, it could be a sign that you should be looking elsewhere.
How many is too many?
How do we know if we’re being too picky? According to Todd, if you’re baseline’s nearing 30 people, odds are you’re being a Choosy Charlie.
How can we apply this knowledge elsewhere?
Todd suggests using this technique in choosing a home, or even an employee – any decision that requires an understanding of your preferences, available options, and past experiences.
Are there any holes in this theory?
This interview does not discuss what age we are supposed to start counting. Considering the numerous grade school “relationships” I’ve had, I could very easily be considered too picky. Furthermore, Todd doesn’t mention how serious a relationship should be in order to “count” in the baseline. Considering how research has shown that too many serious relationships in which you have cohabitated with your partner could lead to a higher risk of divorce (Lichter, 2008), they should probably not be weighted the same as someone you dated for a few months.
So I’d like to open this discussion up to you: would you use a set baseline, or do you believe it’s the heart that knows when to stop searching?
Further Reading:
Dutton, J. (2011 November). A scientific way to find a soulmate. Wired, 171.
Lichter, Daniel T., Qian, Zhenchao (2008). Serial cohabitation and the marital life course. Journal of Marriage & the Family, 70 (4), 861-878
I think it will be a complete immposibility to try to set any kind of baseline for how many relationships a person should have before (settling down)….define settling down… Many people come from backgrounds that would not allow or accept numerous relationships for either religious or moral reasons. I grew up with the belief that any relationship that became sexual required a life time commitment. As an adult I do not believe that now. I am 47 and have had only 4 sexual relationships and the last relationship was almost 10 years ago. I also very rarely have causel sex maybe once every 2/3 years. I have gone as long as 6/7 years. I approach any relationship with the idea that it will be a permanent relationship. Why else would I be going out with somebody? If I am not looking at a person as someone I may want to be with forever then I have no interest in them at all. I feel I have had to many relationships allready and he is talking about having 12 before you settle into a permanent relationship.I also give full commitment immediatly to a new relationship (to me dating and marriage are the same, marriage only proclaims it to the world)I expect the same level of commitment from someone I am dating as I would from them if we were married. I give that kind of commitment and it is what I expect back…if I decide I don’t like that person then I take away my commitment and they are free to do the same. That is why I do not date a lot of people they want to play date and play dating is exactly that it is adults toying with the idea of some day being commited and responsible. I think you can have one relationship in your lifetime and it can be the right one..permanent and forever.. I think that is what you should expect from every relationship. People are not toys to be played with and experimented with until you reach the level were you feel like you can be commited and responsible or you have gained the insight needed to finally make a choice that works for you. You can see this is the view of only one person and you are going to try to set a baseline in this area for millions I don’t think it can be done…to many different expectations and values will come in from different culturel/religious/moral perspectives. There are people who think it is fine to have dozens of relationships there are people who believe that 3 relationships would be excessive promiscuity.Of course as you said,it did not determine the type of relationship I went ahead and made the jump that he was meaning sexual relationships as I believe most people will look at it that way.I think it is an immpossible task that will confuse some, discourage others, and would make a handy excuse for some to jump from relationship to relationship because they haven’t got their twelve yet.This is an area phychology may want to stay out of.. Work on helping people with their self awareness and study of their own personalitys the greater insight we have into ourselves the greater understanding we will have of others and a more rewarding experiance we can give to another person who is in a relationship with us. Trying to give people guidance or a baseline as to how many relationships they need to have before they can make a proper choice is dangerous ground. The heart knows when something feels right some areas of life require trusting your instincts and I think this is one of those areas. Here is my two scents worth to Eharmony (do not allow the Eharmony name to be associated with this kind of recomendation….some people could take this type of guidance literaly.. it could lead to despair,hoplessness,suicides,irresponsible actions and relationships. Put this idea somewhere on a back burner study it consider it do not ever publish it as a recomendation to the public………. I would also like to add the following, I have gained considerable respect for Eharmonys methods and style of matching. I became frustrated and discouraged with my Eharmony account after only a couple months and cancelled my renewal and took down my profile. I have to admit I got discouraged to quickly there was a match who begain communicating with me after only about a week on Eharmony…we have a lot of common interests…we have continued to communicate off and on…and are now making plans to get together and at least spend some time together…and we were 5000 miles apart…I do not know were it will go from there… but if not for your system of matching I would never even have known she existed… so I must admit your system works… I also gained a great deal of insight into myself thru your premium personality profile… I find myself using insight from it in my day to day activities. I will at some point put my profile back up and continue on… unless the match Im still communicating with turns out to be the one… ( if that should turn out to be the case I will be very impressed as it only took one week for her to begin communicating with me)
^tl;dr^
isn’t 13 bad luck?
and if number 3 is the best thing ever and you date 10 more guys after him and come back i think he will call you a whore.
is it possible to be with you 1st love for a lifetime.
Hogwash! There is NO way to ever put a number on this. I think like Patricia that it is possible to be with your 1st love for a lifetime. It isn’t likely in our culture but it is possible. Also, how serious would those relationships be and how jaded would you be from having had 12 significant relationships? LOL The most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Such wise words, R. I wish you the very best.
This is stupid.
How many is too many? Should I TRY to recount and search out the allusive #12?
this is a really dumb article..
like other people mentioned what if number 2 is the best thing ever….?
Instead of test-driving people like they are cars, why not focus on the relationships you already have with your friends and family? From friendships you learn a great deal about yourself and what you would like or dislike in someone else.
I for one know I cannot date a man who has no sense of humor and doesn’t get my sarcasm, I have a friend who constantly enjoys going psycho when I make comments because they just can take a joke.
I also dislike selfish people.
But if you are a 45 year old man or woman and can’t understand what you would like or dislike based on the experiences you had in life and think you need to test drive 8 people, you are not only pathetic, but selfish as well.
People are not cars you drive around the lot to see if they fit or not. Then throw out when you dislike them.
Its called respect. I”ve seen a lot of people hurt from the idea that you need to date 3 or 5 or 10 guys or girls before you find someone. Its bs. If number 2 or three or even ONE is good for you, then stop there. I think if you are questioning the relationship already then maybe you are dating the wrong person to start with, or you have a bad mentality.
Define relationship.
Isn’t taking things a little too far to try to quantify how many reltionships to have, and how many are too many? People should, during adolescence, get to know a variety of different members of the opposite sex before settling on one “perfect(?) person” but to say now many is ‘not enough’ or ‘too many’ seems silly
I certainly agree that we shouldn’t rule our individual lives with abstract statistics, and everyone resides in a unique place within their own sexual cultures (including cultures in which sampling potential mates would be totally forbidden!).
Even so, I think Dr. Todd’s numbers are based on reasonable theoretical and empirical foundations. Basically, imagine you were granted the ability to pick one of the Queen’s most valuable jewels. But you only got to see the jewels one at a time, and once you passed on a jewel you were never allowed to go back and chose an old jewel.
How would you know when the jewel your looking at is a great choice and you should stop looking? Todd’s research suggests you should look at about 12 jewels, and after that the next time you come across a jewel that is better than all the past jewels you’ve seen, choose it! On average, this pattern of choice gives the optimal result (as opposed to waiting until after the 1st jewel, the 3rd jewel, or the 25th jewel).
I agree, this might not be all that applicable to most human mate choice situations. I think it is an interesting statistical finding when forced to make choices with incomplete information, though.
And all else being equal, it probably pays to not choose the very first person you come across (either as a friend, an employer, or a mate). If you are the type of person who automatically picks only first options in life, you’re probably in situations that are not the best you could have obtained.
That said, in this economy if you receive a job offer…take it!
[...] If the ‘Science’ is to be believed, twelve is the number… Clearly I have a lot of catching up to do. Share this:Email This entry was posted in [...]
This is a joke, right? You can’t be serious. That’s refreshing anyway, a doctor/scientist with a sense of humor. Seriously, your heart makes the decision on when to move on and when to choose.
I think that there is no such thing as a number for how many relationships one should have before the big step. I believe that this depends on our luck in spotting right away our chosen one. The idea of a per-established number sounds pretty lame. Why? 4 love is all about feelings, not some sort of a math quiz. Think fast or die single…
Well said, Jason!
I completely agree with you. The things that get called “science” these days…
First and formost, thanks for the article, I definitely enjoyed the read. It appears that many of the comments above are almost split right down the middle in terms of opinion so I figured I’d wager in with mine.
I think that many points in this article make a great deal of sense. You DO need to establish some sort of baseline or point of reference when it comes to relationships. If you haven’t, through trial and error, established what you do and do not want from a partner, be it personality traits or sexual attraction or otherwise, then you’re destined to find yourself forever wondering what else is out there.
That being said, I think it’s impossible to put a concrete number on the amount required in order to finally reach that ‘successful’ stage. Some fall in love, marry and live happily ever after straight out of school while others are still swinging singles at 50+. It is entirely dependent on the person and the opportunities that pop up throughout their life.
Some experience is required so you can establish what makes you genuinely satisfied in a relationship, any attempt to put an actual figure on it though is merely a fun statistic, not a hard and fast ruling.
Matt.
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