How long do you wait for the ring?
by Heather Setrakian | October 5, 2011
{ 29 comments... read them below or add one}
I get asked a lot of relationship-themed questions given where I work, and one of them is from women wanting to know how long to wait for the ring. These aren’t women who have been dating for two months, but rather women who are in long-term relationships. They have seemingly great mates who have jobs and call their moms and open doors to restaurants- but haven’t yet popped the question. The relationship is traveling into their third (or sixth) year and nothing is wrong per-se, except these girls would like to take the relationship to the next level and their men have yet to agree. Are these guys patient or just stringing them along? How long should they wait? 
As it turns out, there isn’t a lot of recent research on the courtship length prior to marriage. Decades ago the statistics ranged from six to fourteen months. Ted Huston, a leading researcher on transitions in relationships, marriage and parenthood, followed couples for 13 years starting in 1979. He states in his study that happily married couples dated for approximately 25 months before getting married. Unhappy couples were split into two groups. Couples who were unhappily married soon after they said “I do” and quickly divorced more often married at or after three years. Couples who fell fast in love were engaged after nine months, and married after 18 months. These couples usually made it to their seventh anniversary before divorcing sometime later. Is there a difference between couples that met recently and those in Huston’s study?
Currently I co-run a longitudinal study of marriage and family development, started in 2008 and ongoing, and the answers couples gave me about their engagement ranged from several months to several years. On average, the couples in my study decided to marry 2.8 years after they first showed romantic interest (many couples knew each other before they dated, but that isn’t counted). This may reflect growing trends in the delay of marriage. Much has changed in the last thirty years, and those in my study are still reporting general satisfaction in their marriages. There is actually a lower divorce rate now than in the 80s, and what marriage means on a societal level is also changing. Only time will tell how modern marriages are growing and changing from those started long ago.
What do these timelines mean for you still waiting for your man to propose? I’m a believer that couples can have independent timetables from those stated above depending on their circumstances, but partners need to have a mutual agreement and understanding about the future timeline of the relationship in order to survive- and that agreement needs to be upheld. However, if you are asking yourself “when is he going to propose already?!” the deadline has probably already passed. You’ve probably picked up on an inequity in the relationship, and one (or more) of your needs is not being met. You might even be filling your thoughts with anxiety and frustration about the future of your relationship. The issue of how long to wait for the ring might be a decision point for you. If not, you may find yourself like Jennifer Aniston’s character in Bruce Almighty (she repeats this long-suffering role in “He’s Just not that Into You”) whose boyfriend needs literal divine intervention from God to get him to propose. In real life God doesn’t make such obvious house calls.
Ask yourself:
Can you accept your relationship as it is, and remove/ give-up the expectation of marriage? Many women are interested in getting married simply because it’s validated by society, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a ring in order to be happy and have children. Many couples are choosing to cohabit as an alternative to or dress rehearsal for marriage. Research is mixed as to whether couples who live together prior to marriage are as satisfied as those that waited until after marriage. Most say living together prior to getting engaged has less promising outcomes, but this might not reflect changing cultural acceptance.
If not, are you ready or willing to take a stand for what you want? Read this question as- are you strong enough to leave? On one hand creating an ultimatum for your partner rarely motivates romance. And pressing someone for marriage might be brushing over the issues that keep him from proposing in the first place. Couples who have more conflict in a long courtship often deteriorate faster after marriage, and if you are already fighting or tense because of this issue, it might be best to address it now. You are not a used car salesman trying to get rid of shoddy goods. It might hurt to be alone, but it’s better for you in the long run than being in an unhappy marriage.
What are the issues that might be holding him back? Are these worth addressing, accepting, or rejecting? If you are focused on the subject, are you missing issues sitting just on the periphery? Is the timing an issue? On one hand, if either of you are still in college or graduate school and not financially stable it might not be a good idea. But a 30-something guy in a multi-year relationship with a steady job doesn’t have that same excuse.
Finally, can you wait it out? Maybe he really is just saving up his pennies and has a plan in place. This is, as you already know, one of the biggest decisions out there and shouldn’t be done hastily. If you are prone to feel anxiety during ambiguous situations, it might just be that feeling getting the best of you. Sometimes the desire to get engaged drives women to think and do things that their more rational side would dismiss. Bringing up this topic might start the trouble you were hoping to avoid.
You’ll have to search your heart and your head for these answers. If you choose to address these with your partner, bring them up gently when you both have time to discuss these issues.
Further Reading:
Huston, T.L. (1994). Courtship antecedents of marital satisfaction and love. In R. ERber & R. Gilmore (Eds.), Theoretical frameworks for personal relationships (p. 43-65) Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Huston, T.L., Caughlin, J.P., Houts, R.M., Smith, S.E., & George, L.J. (2001). The connubial crucible: newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80 (2), 237-52 PMID: 11220443
Surra, C. (1985). Courtship types: Variations in interdependence between partners and social networks. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49 (2), 357-375 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.49.2.357
It seems that most of those “questions to be asked” are based on the man, and he alone, making the decision. Why should a woman have to “ask” or have to walk on egg shells around the question of marriage – one of the most important steps in life? Why does the woman have to approach the question “gently” as suggested as if the man is some wild animal that will lash out … or what, run away? If that is the case, then perhaps it’s better to find out sooner rather than 5 years later that you’ve been living with someone who is not the marrying kind or has no intention of marrying you. Or worse, just enjoying the convenience of having a “wife” and really you were just a stop gap until he found someone to really settle down with. You will be heart-broken and bitter after you played at being his wife and he never really saw you as one in the first place.
Many women do this. They act like wives to men who are their boyfriends as if they are auditioning for the role. It could be a good investment, but on the other hand, it might not be.
Why would any woman live with a man and not know 1. is he the marrying kind 2. does he want to have children, if that is what is important to her?
Many woman live with a man in the hopes that he will pop the question. This is not a question based on one half of the relationship … it should be a mutual decision. Living with someone does not guarantee that a future marriage will be successful. Living together is a kind of non-committal way of playing at marriage. And this is not a good emotional or financial investment for either person. We all know of women who have lived for a few years with a guy waiting for him to pop the question like they’re at a bus stop waiting staring off into the distance for a bus that is never going to come. And suddenly their man picks up and leaves and 6 month later is engaged to someone else.
If a woman really wants to get married and have kids, why would she settle on living together? If you are shopping for oranges, you will never find them wandering the aisles of Home Depot. What’s wrong with just dating for a few years? That would give both people a chance to find out if they are compatible and give both people a chance to discover their compatibility. If a woman falls in love with a man and learns that this is the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, why should she be afraid to ask the most important question: “do you feel the same way?” Wouldn’t you want to know the answer to that question sooner than years later that the answer was always no?
Living together is a huge emotional and financial investment. If a woman is too afraid to ask the pertinent questions about things that are hugely important to her, then maybe, she isn’t with the right man.
Marriage is a two-way street and it’s not just up to the man to do the “choosing.” It should be mutual. The questions women should have the courage to ask before moving in with someone might be:
1. has your man been in a series of long-term live-in relationships? Is he a serial monogomist?
2. do you know his feelings about marriage and kids?
3. why does he want to live with you but not marry you?
Morgan,
Thank you for your insight. I especially loved the line about women auditioning for the “wife role.” You raise excellent points in your response and it was insightful to read. Especially since i have played house one too many times and am now very happy to keep me own space while I date and figure out who really makes me happy, not just who I’m making happy.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts!
Melanie
Mel
Morgan,
You do indeed raise very good points. A marriage should in no way be just up to the man. Both parties should be on the same page about it, and a relationship probably shouldn’t be taking place at all, if the power of the marriage is entirely in the man’s control.
Thanks for your insights.
Katie
In addition, I feel that it important for one to determine where their desire to be married comes from. Is it social pressure, a deep rooted fallacy that one isn’t complete until married, fear of being alone, or any number of subconscious factors.
Many people; men & women see marriage as destination that one is expected to arrive at. It is possible to be in a satisfying relationship without the title of marriage. Bottom line, the level of commitment is solely dependent upon those IN the relationship. We each must lay in the bed we have made, with or without a mate.
Having some years under my belt, I notice that many men propose without much delay when they believe they’re ready and the right woman comes along. In my experience, women prefer blaming men when there’s no proposal, instead of accepting that they are not “the one”, and it’s time to move on.
Any female pathetic enough to “wait” – or listen to clueless advice like this – doesn’t deserve a ring.
John, women should be advised against dating men who refer to women as “pathetic” — it smirks of misogyny. And this is why women get advice from each other, instead of males that are insensitive to a woman’s needs. Respect for the opposite gender is an absolute requisite for ANY committed relationship. I suggest you “zip it” at this point.
Well said Morgan!
JK, any male pathetic enough to write a response such as yours, is unlikely to find a woman who finds him worthy of GIVING her a ring, or a car, or a condo…or an island! Yet, you DID read this article, so perhaps you already know that….
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. This spring I started wondering if he was ever going to get serious about his life, pick a career, and start making long term plans. He was Peter Pan and I had figured out he wasn’t just on the brink of doing those things like I thought he was when I met him. He was very sweet, smart, thoughtful, funny, and loving, but a woman needs more eventually. I decided that I would stop acting as though I were just his girlfriend and start acting as though I expected him to stick around for a lifetime. It took until the end of August to find out why he wasn’t committing. He has a drug problem and since I have always been very clear that I am anti drugs, he was conflicted for a long time. He said he had tried to quit for me on his own but couldn’t. He enrolled in rehab after his problem cost him his job and his savings. He came and told me after he had enrolled himself in rehab. I don’t know what is next but I am glad he didn’t ask me to marry him. I think it takes as long as it takes. As long as I am happy, I am not going to stress about marriage. This has shown me there is always a reason. He is a lovely man and he is making a lot of positive changes but who knows who he will be in a year. I was married to a man I loved very much for 16 years. Maybe that’s enough for one life time.
How about the guy who tells you, when you bring the subject up, that he wants to marry you, he will be ready soon, and please just be patient; it won’t be long. I wanted to believe him, truly I did. He said he loved me and I loved him. I felt like I was in a poker game…how long was I supposed to hold the cards before I finally gave up and laid them down? Well-meaning friends saw the writing on the wall, but it was tough because they weren’t emotionally invested like I was. But finally after 7 wasted years of me even saying very kindly to him, “look, it’s okay if you don’t want to get married; just tell me and we can both go our separate ways since we want different things”, and him STILL saying he did want to marry me and it would be soon, I finally realized he was just dangling the carrot and his need to not be alone was stronger than his willingness to be truthful with me, so I gave up. Oh, and yes, ladies, less than 3 years of us breaking up, he’s married already!!! And it happens to be with one of his women friends he had when we were together. We broke up and I turned 50; the wading pool for my age group is very, very small and it’s extremely hard to find someone now to be with. Next time, I won’t hang in there so long.
Marriage is a solid foundation for your love to grow upon. If you truly love each other you cannot help wanting to be as close as you can to each other.
i think we should go back to basics. let the guys do the courting the old fashion way and wait for them to come to you with the ring. why invest your body, time and effort to play house. wake up ladies,you put yourself out there to get proposed to or dumped. keep your life separate and enjoy it. this way you dont have to keep wondering if you’re a keeper. at least you saved your dignity. plus you dont have to ask him if he wants marriage. you should tell him from the very beginning this is what i want and need in a relationship and by all means have a list of questions to ask your date. i have tried this and it works great. of course after a couple of dates, not on first date. we sit side by side and go over the list and compare answers. if nothing else you already have your answers, either move on or accept him as he thinks. voila!
I read this article with much interest, and Marci’s comment especially hit home. I am a 62 year old widow who has been in an exclusive relationship with a man my age for over 2 years. We do not live together, in fact, live an hour apart. We take vacations together and spend most weekends together. He says he loves me and I do love him. I am recently retired, he’s not. He spends a lot of time helping his elderly mother maintain her independence. I am not wanting marriage, but I would like to live together. He says he wants that “someday” too, but not until he retires, and not as long as his mother needs him. He is an only child and a good son. His mother likes me, I understand his situation, and I have said I would be willing to move where he lives, even though I own a home and he rents. But he really needs to do this on his own timetable. So basically, I wonder if waiting for a good man at least two more years, possibly longer if his mother has a nice long life, is what I want at my age. I am a pretty good catch, and I feel very emotionally invested in him, but….I think I will move on.
Kudos to Morgan and Linda number one. Are we really still in an era where women must hold their breath until HE decides? I think not. Recently left a 28 year marriage, and if you think I am gonna let a man steer my ship, think again. Marriage, maybe. If I think I’m ready, I will pose the question if he hasn’t. Times have changed, pathetic John.
Ladies,Ladies,Ladies,
I have been single for 10 years. I am soooo glad I didn’t go thru the trouble and expense of getting married in 3 live-in relationships. I loved each!
The first turned out to be an alcoholic after a year and a half of hiding it. The second,after 6 months turned out to burst into fits of psycotic rage over the simplest thing and pack up her stuff and disappear…twice! The 3rd time, I wouldn’t take her back.
The third gal was incessantly demanding marriage all day every day(she was married 3 times before). Not exactly an incentive program for me. I really fell in love with her but she absolutely drove me crazy and needed lots and lots of attention. I haven’t seen her for 4 months now and I long for her.
My point is this: I am so glad I waited.If I were willing to commit to her to be her “life-long” partner, there is not one single thing I can’t do for her without marriage that I could do for her if I married her. We both win no????
I read the above comments with great interest. I am a financially stable and very independent woman in a 4.5 years relationship. My partner makes a six digit salary as well with a caveat. I am not sure if marriage is my end-goal as I stand to lose unless there is a tight contract. I am divorced from a 20 year relationship with two children. My young adult daughter is estranged. My tweenage son is a darling. Though my partner makes a decent living, he has an expensive ex-wife to whom he pays a whopping amount of $ under the pretense that she helped him out in the past when he needed it and still keep her college-age “kids” (22 and 19 year old respectively). He also has another child born at the beginning of our relationship (a nidus for argument). I do not need any $ from him. He insists that he wants us to get married. I am not sure I want any of his financial mess. I want a commitment first yet I worry about it. I do love him but the practical side of me cannot let me accept things as is. I do understand that I want my cake and eat it to. I have been thinking about leaving and dating. I have many other suitors but I find an excuse to remain in this relationship which has not amounted to much. I am ridiculously attracted to him.
Peter, I sure do agree that marrying the wrong person would be way worse than living alone. I have pondered my own situation a lot lately. I do wonder if Work and Mother Come First should be a red flag to me. I am willing to do all the accommodating to live together and share a life, I have two elderly parents too, and I am there for them, but not enough to put my life on hold. My guy is not her caregiver, just a very attentive son. Mind you, I am not pushing him at all, no drama, no convincing,no ultimatums, have just have expressed my hopes and thoughts. Yet it seems I am in the bottom third tier. I have loved reading the articles on this site. Maybe there’s no need to make a grand exit….just start enjoying being single and retired, and if he misses my devotion to him, maybe I will still be there. But maybe not.
Goodness! My pondering is more about thinking it would be nice for my sweetie to share something with me that would be meaningful and that I could have with me every day ( a ring, a necklace?) but not necessarily a fast track to marriage. After a 24 year marriage and three years divorced, I am still catching my breath from dismantling all that. I adore this man, and love him in an unquestionable way. I could see where a couple would want to marry to share benefits and be sure a loved one is “taken care of”. I won’t scoff at anyone who says they’d rather walk away than wait, but for me – just being IN a fantastic relationship is enough for me right now. Time will tell how the future plays out. Hope all of you can stand in the present and not regret “wasted time”. That’s futile. Take good care of you.
Guys
This is interesting, very interesting…I am dating a 47 year old man and I have fallen in love with him but I am 50 and I really don’t think he feels the same way abut me. He was married three times already and is now hesitant of marraige. I believe that he really thinks that’s true but I believe tha the just hasn’t met the right person yet..bottom line..I am not the right person. He is a wonderful man and he will make someone a great husband and life partner. I feel very strongly I should say bye to him right now instead of prolonging the inevitable. Based on your comments above, I feel as though I am making the right decision.
I had to comment on this story since it is so relevant to my life right now – sorry for the novel. I am 54 dating a 62 year old — we have been dating for almost 9 months. I have been divorced for 19 years which is the same length he has been divorced. I don’t have any children and his two are grown, responsible wonderful kids who I have met and truly adore. I have been commitment phobic since my divorce, long term relationships but never wanted to marry -and backed away from several offers in the past 10 years with some pretty terrific guys. Then early this year something clicked. I knew I needed to give my heart a chance – my life was passing me by and I needed to step back in. So I started to date around the holidays last year and met this guy in late Jan. and he swept me off of my feet — really quickly – almost like in the movies – ‘you had me at hello’. I felt that he could be ‘the one’ that I had waited for and the wait was worth it — in about 4 months I felt this — and didn’t even question my feelings. He took me on a very great trip within two months of dating, introduced me to his family and I went to family functions over the summer meeting his entire family and set of friends. We talk every day since we have been dating and see each other at least one day a week since we live an hour apart. So my heart fell quick which was scary but also exciting. But reality hit me after about 5 months that I had these feelings and wanted something more than just dating. I knew how I felt but kept suppressing it since I saw that he wasn’t even telling me that he cared for me or giving me any compliments. No cards, flowers — nothing that showed me I was ‘special’ to him, although I was sending cards, buying him gifts and even sent flowers to let him know he was special. I finally told him how much I cared for him – and he seemed distant and far from what I thought I would hear. He told me that he was not ready or at the same place I am today. His family told me clearly he was not the marrying kind and was in a 7 year relationship that he should have left years ago. But I thought at 62 and 54 we could figure out this dating/love thing easier than when we were 20 or even 30. I didn’t think that I had to block my feelings for him since they were really there. But now I don’t know what to do since my friends are telling me he won’t change – and my life will be this way without a commitment and I should move on. Yet his 30 year old daughter who I get along with very well – told me that I am good for her Dad but he isn’t a marrying guy. So — finally my heart falls for someone and I would love to have a ring on my finger — and I seem to have someone that might not ever want to marry me. Is it too soon for me to think of this – am I crazy for falling this quickly for him? Isn’t it sensible as we get older it’s easier to make decisions and know what we want – and not have to take the 2-4 years the 20′s and 30′s take to settle into marriage? I would love to hear perspective on age vs. love and how that falls into the bigger picture. Can we fall in love in a few months and it could last? But if someone tells you that they are not ready – is that a bad sign that tells me to move on and they will never be ready? What do you think – be grateful for what I have and hang on and give it more time and he will eventually fall in love or should I realize that this relationship won’t move much farther than where he is which is very comfortable in his mind – should I move on or wait for the ring
?
If you ladies will keep your response short and concise, we guys will appreciate it. My partner is seperated about 18 months ago and divorced about six months. We dated about a year now, in between the seperation and divorce. Am a three year old widower. She thinks am taking too long to commit and I think she is going too fast. Who is right?
i have been in a relationship for 15 years and because of a stupid argument , my girlfriend wants to breakup. I really love her, but said she didn’t want to marry me now. She’s 43, i’ m 65. A healithy 65. I look late 30′- early 40′s. We didn’t marry earlier because we are both stubborn, and sometime argue to prove a point. I want to make this love work. She she is the first women that I have met in year that has everything that I need in a women. I had 3 bad marriages before. Bad women, wrong choice, family problems-racism. So I really want to make this work. . Plus I have no children and I want at least one. I’ m the last male in my family line.
En
This artical is confusing to me. I never read these, but this one seemed worth it. First and foremost, I love what you said, Morgan, my favorite comment “Living together is a kind of non-committal way of playing at marriage” I am 27, I have been with my boyfriend 9mo, he is 33. We have a fantastic relationship, he is trully by best friend. He was engaged 5yrs ago and was cheated on, has been single since. I am only the second woman he has said “I love you” to or asked to move in. I’ve been proposed to 3x by 3 seperate men, and I turned them all down, which I was then told by my friends and family that I am “too picky” which I do not believe. I just knew there was that one person out there who would completely make my heart pound with every word or look. I’ve read most of these comments, and to the women who are in their 50s-60s, don’t settle for these men because you feel you have slim pickings, you are probably beautiful women inside and out, if you want marriage… and he doesn’t, don’t you dare compromise on that. You will grow a resentment. I’ve seen on more than one occasion the guys who “don’t want marriage” (and visa versa guys) and magically months or yrs later, they’re married. I’m sorry, I’m not buying it, its complete BS. I talk about marriage with my boyfriend all the time. I tell him flat out, “I want to spend my life with you, I want to have your children” and he tells me he feels the same. We have even planned to have our wedding in our backyard. He is NOT by any means a hopeless romantic, but he means what he says and he says what he means. If a man wants to marry you, he shouldn’t be freaked out by the conversation if you bring it up. If he gets freaked out, he is clearly not on your level. We are all romantics in some shape or form, please, don’t settle or change your statards/wants/needs, they are NON-NEGOTIABLE!! I hope with all of my heart that I spend my life with this man. It may be 9mo… but I KNEW h it was different almost right away. I hope all of you women (and men) find what you WANT, and to Mr. T, I’m sorry that she is not on the same playing field as you. I can see you obviously love her.. but if she doesn’t want to marry you… well you have to find someone who does. Good luck! =)
It’s sad to see the article making it seem okay to have children and “cohabitate” without marriage. People dont realize that making a relationship work is a choice, thats it. You make the decision that you will do what it takes to love this person and stick with them forever! Children before marriage and marriages that stem from impulsivity is what is wrong with this society to begin with. Love like anything else is work! But that is coming from a Christian perspective and what the bible teaches about marriage. I may never get married but if I decide to I will choose to make it work and not bail the moment i become to selfish to put forth the effort!
And if you desire marriage and the person doesnt, dont waste anymore time and move on. Rather move on then live with resentment for that person bc they dont share your desires. Sharing goals, not just love is what makes two people happy.
Well my response to all of this nonsense is – I live alone by choice and have wasted years with 1 failed marriage and 1 failed live in situation. My husband turned out to be an drunk and the second man turned out to be an severly abusive pot head. I clearly have accepted that my choice in men is disasterous to my life. I have been single for 3 years and at 48 am happy not to have the ridiculous stress of a relationship. I work alot obviously to make ends meet and it does get lonely, at times, but still much better than that last relationship I got into. Individuals need to regognize their own issues. We tend to pick people that nake us feel a certain way – going home syndrome – mentally healthy people find other like minded people to spend time with. I am finally feeling strong again in my life and I work hard to select the peole I put myself around these days!!! Take ownership afterall finding the wrong or right person to be with really depends on if your alright yourself.
I just want to say thanks to all of you for the insight. I am 40 and my boyfriend is 48. We have been going out for about 1 year 10 months now but had been freinds for about 14 or so years prior to dating. I bring up the subject, and he clams up. I was very open with him in the beginning and told him of my expectations. I guess after nudging him once in awhile and not getting an acceptable verbal commitment or even being able to discuss his plans/my plans/our plans i sadly feel like i’m drifting away from him. Sometimes… its not just love that keeps people together but a common goal. At 40 years old, i realize the dating pool for women is slim but I just really don’t like girlfriend-hood (that stage in between being independent and single and living a life with the one you love). To be somebody’s girlfriend for 4-5-8+ years to me is just too gray of an area to be comfortable with. Alas… i gave myself a deadline and though He wants to finish his practicum before he does anything… to me… its just an exuse. I guess i’m at the point of building up my strength to leave… how do you do that when he’s my best friend too and not loose that friendship? Its a chance i’ll take not because i just want a ring… not because society favors those who are married… but because i want a partner to live, grow old, have fun, get on each others nerves with
,etc… together till the end. Most people that i know who dated for a long time hoping the other person would come around ended up breaking up. And that is my biggest fear – becoming one of those sorry statistics wasting all of that time just because I waited for him. Then again, perhaps i’m being too hasty? According to the studies i’m not.
From speaking to a lot of my friends, “What are the issues that might be holding him back?” is often the fact that, this is THE biggest step they’ve made in their life. Short of deciding to have kids, no man has faced committed more so than when physically going out and buying a ring.
Just don’t pressure him. He obviously loves you if you’ve talked about it. You wouldn’t like to have your hand forced on anything by him so regardless of how keen you are to get engaged and ‘get that ring,’ you shouldn’t be pushing him into doing so – he may end up resenting you for it.
Matt.
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