How can you tell if someone is interested?
by Erina Lee | October 14, 2011
{ 36 comments... read them below or add one}
If you have been on a date trying to interpret subtle signals like her body language or what he says at the end of the night, you know that the answer to this question is a difficult one. In fact, studies show that most people are really bad at knowing who is interested in them (e.g., Back et al., 2011a). Although human attraction is a complex issue, psychologists have made a few steps in helping to solve this riddle. 
In a recent study of speed daters, researchers found that certain personality types were better at predicting whether speed dating partners wanted a second date (Back et al., 2011a). The set up was typical of a speed-dating event. A group of single men and women were paired up such that each man talked to each woman for 3 minutes. After the end of each date, participants indicated whether they wanted to see that person again and whether they felt the person wanted to see him or her.
Men who were more promiscuous (also known as sociosexually unrestricted) and women who had warm/kind personalities (also known as agreeable) were better at telling who was interested in them. Researchers suggest that there is something to having a more stereotypical personality that makes sexually-open men and kind women more accurate. Maybe being more “normal” makes others more comfortable with them and therefore easier to read or perhaps “normalcy” gives these people more opportunity and practice at attracting potential mates.
Another study looked to see if other things like flirting behavior would add anything more to this riddle (Back at al, 2011b). In general, people flirted with others who flirted with them and people were attracted to flirters. However, flirting itself wasn’t associated with choosing others more. In other words, flirters (relative to non-flirters) were not more attracted to others. Despite this general finding, at the individual level, people were more likely to choose partners who they flirted with. So perhaps the lesson is that flirting is a hint that things are going in the right direction but not the entire key.
Other ways to tell if someone is interested: 1) pay more attention to the end of the date than the beginning, and 2) ask someone who’s already in a relationship.
Want more insight into your own character? Try taking our new personality quiz to find out how others see you. Or if you have been wrong about what you thought was interest from someone else, here is some advice on how to recover from a good date that doesn’t call.
Further Reading:
Back, M.D., Penke, L., Schmukle, S.C., & Asendorpf, J.B. (2011). Knowing your own mate value: sex-specific personality effects on the accuracy of expected mate choices. Psychological Science, 22 (8), 984-9 PMID: 21724949
Back, M., Penke, L., Schmukle, S., Sachse, K., Borkenau, P., & Asendorpf, J. (2011). Why mate choices are not as reciprocal as we assume: The role of personality, flirting and physical attractiveness European Journal of Personality, 25 (2), 120-132 DOI: 10.1002/per.806
Never having participated in speed dating, I’m not sure how any initial attraction bodes for long term relationships but it is rather interesting that so many people have a difficult time telling whether or not people are attracted to them.
i must admit that I love to flirt, not always when I’m interested in someone but also because it’s fun and flattering. I don’t intentionally do it to lead anyone else on and I think I’m not alone based on this blog. Do others agree?
I love to flirt if I like someone who is really flattering. I also don’t intentionally do it and wait to see if they like me first. Usually they start and don’t know how to stop or can’t move on…
I was the quiet guy for many years and still have trouble learning how to flirt. And even though I’m pretty good and reading people I am still unable to tell how a woman feels toward me. What’s a young, old fashion guy like me supposed to do?
The fool proof only way to know if someone likes you is to ask.
What a completely useless article, how about provide some content instead of aimless speculation.
This gave NO info.
Seriously, that article really didn’t provide any useful information. I thought it would at least list out how to tell if someone is interested. That was a total let down.
I think the point is that there’s no easy list. I’ve had people tell me to look for eye contact, smiling, flirtatious touching on the arm and it works sometimes but not always. I’m with Jonni, the only foolproof way to know is by asking.
Being a veteran at dating and from the older set, I can say if a man asks personal questions or those pertinent to a relationship as in, “So do you like guys who—. or How do you feel about guys who___” chances are they care how you feel about aspects that are important for them to decide about the yes or no question. Otherwise they would not waste time asking.
Well, it seems that the answer to the question in the title is “It’s hard to tell.” And I totally disagree with several of the comments here. I am a long time reader, first time caller, and I always find good info here. And even if the answer is vague, at least it is based on recent scientific research. So what if the answer is “it’s not that easy.” All of us daters know that already, and it’s nice to know that the science apparently supports our experience. I think you actually gave a lot of info based on what science has actually shown us. I appreciate that you don’t blow a lot of hot air around and pretend to know all the answers. Any kind of “list” that pretends to tell us the answers to these kinds of questions is usually a bunch of bs anyways. Thanks for your honest blogs!
Not having dated in over 20 years and being in my 60′s I have no idea how to tell. I’m not a teenager anymore and I don’t know if those kind of things have changed or what.
I’d like to “not” play those games at this point. I think it would save a lot of heart-ache. Why not be straight-forward and real; I’m not cutesy poo anymore, I’m more serious but do I live in the 21st Century or be the old-fashioned “lady” that I really am?
Sexually promiscuous is the new “normal” eh? Wow… we’ve come so far. I’m suprised ‘warm and caring’ was listed as normal for women. That is good to hear. Was thinking the new age ‘normal’ would be something like driven and career-minded, like my husband, while the kids get raised by someone else. But the money! And I’m liberated! You know that word used in that context was liberalated? Yeah… look it up. Liberalated didn’t sound good in the media.
I’m going thru this right now! A fellow commuter is interested, its obvious. He tries to catch my eye and his friend even tried to get a seat near me on the train. Id like for him to say hello but he hasn’t yet. My friends say I should make the first move but I’m terrified… just out of long term relationship. Plus, I led things in my last relationship and id really like to know someone that can be the guy…instead of me.
I’ve never been able to tell if a man is truely interested, rather than him simply perusing the fast food menu of single women he perceives. When men arrive at the airport having flown across the country to meet me, then I can tell, they’re interested.
useless article
At age 72, I met up online with a fellow who was regal in every way. Then, all of a sudden, he was not paying attention, so I was doing all of the relationship “WORK” until I realized it was so very out of balance. He sent flowers for occasions, wrote cards for occasions, called frequently. However, he did not come forward to me as much as I felt I was going towards him. Recently, I just kind of let it all dwindle. Of course, I miss him; but I also feel he does not miss me at all… though I did hang up on him, I feel if he cared at all, he would have contacted me after 4 weeks now. Was I correct in my assumptions? Please tell me what you think. I have to know so that this does not happen again that I would be the one WORKING the relationship with another person. It has to be at least 50-50, doesn’t it? Thank you. Fran
I read all the comments here and I believe if he or she is interested the flirtation is recipricated. I don’t believe there are any checklists that can narrow it down because everyone is different. For me, I naturally flirt, its fun, and if they like me back they pursue it. If not hey I had fun. Recently I have been flirting with a friend of mine but I cannot read him whatsoever. I dropped him off at work and he just started rambling bout his tatt and other stuff. There were a couple silent moments and he and I were just looking at each other. Finally he got out of the car and said we should catch lunch some time? What does that mean? Is he into me?
Yes, I like to flirt and have others flirt back, but this dose not mean I am interested in the person, or that they are with me. I see nothing wrong with flirting. The best way to know if one is into is to ask away!
useless article.i am in my early 60′s ,,flirting is just flirting,it could mean he is interested, but maybe that is what he does with everyone.I have been dating a long time,divorced for many years . If they ask for your number, call you a lot,ask you out, then they are probably or possibly interested.These guys are having a ball playing the field on these sites, watch out.They could be dating you and still checking out lots of women on these sites.Also, what is the saying , “kisses are not contracts or promises’Sometimes you just have to ask. If they evade the question or do not answer, then there is the obvious answer.
I personally am very confused by how these sites even work. My question is, since I am fairly attractive, fit and secure, (I am 45 but am regularly told that I look like I am in my early 30s) if a guy views my profile repeatedly, is he interested? The problem is, I never hear from these viewers. They just keep looking at my profile pics. So then I thought, “Well, is that my cue to contact them?” but then they don’t respond. I don’t get it. When my subscriptions run out, I am finished trying to find anybody through these sites. From reading profiles and just how the guys act, I get the distinct impression that they are on here to play games. Bummer.
The way to know if a guy likes a woman is really pretty simple. If the guy tries to talk to a woman and she’s not interested, that’s the guy! The way to know a woman likes a man is a little more difficult but still somewhat easy. If you’re not extremely handsome to way above average levels or filthy rich, then the way to tell is she’ll be ridiculously less attractive than you and/or completely useless in terms of reliability or too old for a future family or simply is totally counter to what you want. If you decide that she was right after all, then she’ll change her mind. Hope this helps.
Read the book, He’s Just Not That Into You and it will open your eyes. If he is truly interested, he will let you know. If he is “trolling” he will just check you out and not care if you like him. If he is just looking to score, he will flatter you, act interested and when he does score , he will be gone faster than the last piece of chocolate in the box. No, I did not write the book, but they sure have men down to a science.
Frances…it’s obvious you need to read He’s Just Not That Into You…if a guy wants to make it work–then he comes calling. If you’re putting forth more effort than he is, then he really just isn’t interested.
I flirt, as Jen said I do it for fun!
To answer your question, Hazel: Either the guy is shy or he saw the “look” in your eyes and he is not into you and he did not know how to handle the situation, hence the silence. So which was it? I myself love to flirt but only with those I am interested in. If the guy is interested in you, he will respond positively, Theses days though, guys are so lazy, they want the ladies to do all the work. It really should be 50-50
Im a little smart mouth. But im told im funny, in a good way, and love it ehen a guy has a bit of fight in him too. Just playful and fun.
Not sure how to figure out if a guy just likes,me or,would like to get to know me more. But I am fun to be around
@Fran, I’m glad to hear that you are still dating. I’m not much younger than you and I haven’t given up on love either.
Speaking as what I feel is a typical guy, It seems that you may be expecting a little much of a guy that age. Flowers, cards, and all of the stuff he said to gain your intrest are all indicators that he IS intrested. Some of us are “guarded” with their emotions. This possibly comes from years of wearing his heart on his sleeve and then getting hurt. I haven’t reached this point YET, but I can see where there could be advantages to this.
Plus, logic would dictate that if a woman hangs up on you, she no longer wants to talk to you. Actions speak LOUDER than words, i’m afraid.
My advice…. Call him and ask him where you stand. He may just tell you.
@Hazel… Take him up on his offer for lunch, what have you got to lose. He may even pay. Don’t try to figure us out it’ll only make you crazy.
Totally useless and uninformative article. Question in title was not addressed.
I tried 3 different dating sites and was not happy with any of them. It seemed as though the guys were just looking-for what? They say a relationship, but when they are contacted you either never hear from them or in a couple of circumstances just looking for sex. Honestly, are we still 16? Anyway, would like some feedback from the guys. Currently interested in a guy who I have known for 8 years; just recently began a relationship. Have been out and spent intimate time together. I do most of the contacting. He always responds and seems interested. Says he was in a loveless marriage and has known women that he found out too late in the relationship they were not for him. Not in any hurry, but need to know if he is interested. Have tried to discuss it, but do not want to seem pushy. So here is the question: If a guy isn’t interested would he continue to text me and see me on a regular basis? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
@Lydia you are so right about that book!
Any guy who peppers me with questions like “So do you like a guy who does this, do you like a guy who does that” is just trying to get information from me about what kind of guy he should pretend to be in order to get with me. There is no value in either the question, or whatever lame answer I come up with – it’s not going to help us get to know each other on any meaningful level, it’s just a tool to help him score faster.
Speed dating would not be for me. I’d rather go slow unless there is a attraction disconnect. Then I would try to get the guy away from me as soon as possible.
There seems to be a few comments above that indicate that this article was ‘useless,’ to them. While it certainly wasn’t packed full of sure-fire tips on how to tell is someone is interested in you, you have to keep in mind that tips like that ARE only speculation at the best of times.
The article, for me at least, posed the question ‘can you tell?’ as opposed to insisting that it had the answers ‘how to tell.’
A flirt, a wink, a stare, a good vibe – these are all SIGNS that someone is interested but if you’re after a sure thing or a 100% guarantee I’m sorry to say that doesn’t actually exist, other everyone would be reading each other like poker players. There would be no mystery
The first movement a man will do …is to hold her hand with his with such gentlelness and warm and is eye looking inside hers …will for sure render sincere interest in is date…I know…;-)
Thank you eHarmony…
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