Do you take your own relationship advice?

When I read the community boards, I see a lot of great advice given by members.  Many of you know just what to do in a shady situation, how to figure out a relationship quandary, and decipher ambiguity from a date (some also stress that their instinctual “truths” are better than scientifically-tested outcomes but that’s a blog for another day).  You are wise.

But do you follow your own advice?  Knowing the right thing to do in relationships and actually choosing to do it are not always tied together.   A recent study had participants reading choose your own adventure-type dating scenarios and to pick either a relationship-enhancing or a relationship-worsening outcome.

Here is an example of a hypothetical vignette referencing support:

Your grandmother is hospitalized and you are upset. Do you:

(a) Discuss this with your partner to get it off your chest

(b) Not mention the incident; it might ruin the night

Participants were asked to either choose which option was better through each vignette, or play the reading game by indicating which option they would choose. The results highlighted what many of us have to begrudgingly admit: we often know what to do in a relationship and do something different when it’s us in the scenario.  It’s akin to snoozing instead of exercising, eating fries instead of the salad, or “forgetting” to call your mom back. Thinking your “life experience” might help you?  Not so fast: individuals who were high in relationship knowledge were the best at knowing what to do, but that didn’t help them choose the better option.   By the way, the answer to the above was ‘A.’

So what gives?  One reason might be an individual’s general level of anxiety.  Those who were highly anxious or more avoidant of intimacy were less likely to make the right choice.  Another one may be that generally individuals have a hard time asking for assistance, or wince at the idea of expressing vulnerability.  Underneath those excuses lay the real reasons: fear of rejection and trust issues.  In the study, those that had a high relationship savvy and a general motivation to have supportive partners did best in picking up on outcomes that reflected warmth and support.

Being the one outside of the relationship (or date, phone call, or other scenario that gets posted on the boards) seems to give laser vision on “what to do.”  There are a lot of definitive statements on the comments board.  However, being the one in the relationship is always more nuanced and complicated- and it happens to us all.  While it might not be you posting, someday you might.  Keep that in mind the next time the answer seems obvious.

Further Reading:

Turan, B., & Vicary, A.M. (2010). Who recognizes and chooses behaviors that are best for a relationship? The separate roles of knowledge, attachment, and motivation. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 36 (1), 119-31 PMID: 19884652

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