The trouble with in-laws…..

I should probably start by saying that not all in-laws are bad. Some people have very gratifying relationships with their new familial addition. For others, it isn’t so easy. In-laws are consistently cited by my friends as a significant source of stress in their relationships – more so than a past relationship or an annoying friend. In-laws are some of the most important members of spouses’ social networks because: 1) put simply, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your in-laws, and 2) in-laws can be a source of stress for those who have emotional and/or psychological ties to their own kin.

I’ve noticed that the subject of in-laws begins to creep up more and more when a friend is planning a wedding (Momster of the Bride, anyone?). S/he will start weighing the pros and cons of confronting an in-law who is being too pushy; or maybe they start feeling the need to referee between their family and their partner’s. This is also the time where they may be finding  discomfort in choosing to identify their in-laws as “mom”, “dad”, etc., since many people consider their family of origin (along with those labels) sacred. Additionally, during this process they are starting to grapple with the idea that they are separating from the families they grew up with and are now creating a family of their own.

It has been shown that in newlywed couples, conflict with in-laws is a significant factor in predicting marital happiness for both husbands and wives (Timmer & Veroff, 2000). But do in-laws have the same effect after many years of being married? A study from Iowa State University (Bryant, Conger & Meehan, 2001) looked at over 450 couples who have been married for an average of almost 20 years.  Their findings suggest that parents-in-law are influential far beyond the first years of marriage.

Couples will have less conflict with their in-laws IF:

• They are both happy in their marriage – researchers speculate that parents are less intrusive if they feel that their child is being cared for.

Men will be happier in their marriage IF:

• He has a low level of conflict with his mother-in-law
• His wife has low level of conflict with his mother

Women will be happier in their marriage IF:

• She has a low level of conflict with both mother-in-law and father-in-law (perhaps because women are primarily responsible for maintaining relationships)

The bottom line is that our in-laws play a huge role in how we view our marriage success even after decades of being together. The good thing about this is that this means their influence can help guide your relationship in the right direction. The bad thing about this is that, put bluntly, in-laws don’t go away – so if you are having issues with them, you need to work to resolve them. Getting past struggles in these relationships is paramount to the overall success of your marriage.

What are your methods of improving or maintaining a good relationship with your in-laws?

Further Reading:

Bryant, C., Conger, R., & Meehan, J. (2001). The Influence of In-Laws on Change in Marital Success Journal of Marriage and Family, 63 (3), 614-626 DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00614.x

Timmer, S., & Veroff, J. (2000). Family Ties and the Discontinuity of Divorce in Black and White Newlywed Couples Journal of Marriage and Family, 62 (2), 349-361 DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00349.x