Relationship taboos: Are some topics too personal to discuss?
by Erina Lee | September 16, 2011
{ 18 comments... read them below or add one}
Honesty and openness are important in any relationship – to get to know one another, to build trust in the relationship, etc. But are there times when too much honesty can hurt the relationship?
In a recent study, 104 young men and women (mean age = 20) in romantic relationships (average about 1 year) were asked to “list all the topics they avoided in their romantic relationship” (Anderson, Kunkel, & Dennis, 2010). Commonly avoided topics included:
1) Past relationships – including details about past sexual experiences (38%)
2) Controversial topics - like religion and politics (16%)
3) Relationship norms – like comfort with public displays of affection (13%)
4) Activities outside the relationship – any activity not involving the partner (13%)
5) The state of the relationship – where is this relationship headed? (11%)
Given that past relationships and past sexual experiences were at the top of the list, participants were also asked what reasons they had for avoiding that topic. Reasons were similar for men and women, and included explanations like:
1) To keep the past in the past, especially when it did not pertain to the current relationship
2) To avoid comparisons and insecurity about measuring up to past partners
3) Fear of harming the relationship – making it seem less special, ruining the closeness and trust
4) Causing embarrassment, hurt, or jealousy
Of course, the topics avoided and reasons for avoiding may be a reflection of the age of the participants in this study, but I think anyone can relate to the desire to side-step awkward or embarrassing conversations. And although it might be tempting to avoid difficult topics especially if you think it will hurt your partner or the relationship, continual avoidance may actually be detrimental to the long-term health of the relationship. Here are a few reasons why you might consider having those difficult conversations after all:
1) An enhanced sex life – talking about past experiences may help you learn about what your partner likes or dislikes in a relationship or in the bedroom
2) Coming to a better understanding – coming to agreement about what you both need or expect in a relationship; how will you know unless you ask?
3) Building trust – being able to strike the delicate balance between giving enough information to build trust but not too much detail to provoke insecurity
4) Creating intimacy – being able to accept all aspects of one’s partner
5) Physical health – to protect each other from physical harm (e.g., STDs, etc.)
In fact, in response to the question about why people avoid conversations, about 13% of participants in this study mentioned they were entirely comfortable talking about past sexual history and roughly a quarter felt it was especially good for the relationship to discuss.
When thinking about whether to broach a difficult topic, think about how the long-term benefits may outweigh the potential short-term cost. Are there topics you tend to avoid in relationships? What’s the best way you’ve found to broach the subject?
Further Reading:
Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M.R. (2011). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 48 (4), 381-91 PMID: 20432132
Very thought provoking article! I tend to avoid the topic of bowel movements, though I’ve had boyfriends in the past who seem to enjoy talking about them. Seriously, though, I like to use humor to broach difficult subjects. But it doesn’t always work. I think it would help if I were funnier.
I think it’s important to be able to talk about anything and everything in a relationship. I don’t need every last detail, but if a guy is hesitant to talk about something or worse, lies, then it’s a big red flag for me.
I have to agree with Arlene. I prefer open and honest vs hesitant and cagy / potential coverups. I am comfortable talking about anything..especially stuff that makes a woman smile. Gives me a warm feeling inside to see that.
In the past I avoided talking about my sexual history as there was a lot of early abuse involved but in my last relationship I decided to fully be myself and came out and mentioned it on the third date. Not only was my partner understanding he was supportive and let me know how he admired my courage to discuss it. It paved the way for meaningful intimacy early in the relationship.
Very interesting blog. I think though an important part of relationship is being missed. The biblical idea of intimacy is described as knowing. I think that is the best word to describe what should take place. Sex is very vulnerable part of our identity, it is letting someone let us know us in a way nobody else does, so knowing is the best description. The problem i see is that people don’t know each other, and when you don’t have that, it will lead to insecurity and distrust.You can’ really love someone you don’ know and you will never experience true intimacy without knowing someone deeply. But to love takes risk and vulnerability. That is the price you must pay to know love and to be loved. Everyone has a past, what we crave is having someone we can be ourselves with and not hide. That requires knowing them. Just something to think about.
I completely agree with Paul.Sometimes people enter into sex before knowing your partner which leads to emotional distress.
The problem with having an open discussion about our past sexual experiences is that neither partner really knows who is telling the biggest lie. Anyone that believes a relationship is enhanced by knowing the number of partners our current live-in had in the past and how each ranked is mistaken.
Paul, I’ve never commented on a blog before, but yours really touched me. Thank you for reminding me to only share myself with someone who truly knows me. You seem like a very smart & kind person. Thanks again.
I agree with honesty and openness, but too much can be damaging. I am in a 2 year relationship with a wonderful lady, and the physical part has been fantastic. Both of us are divorced, and about a year ago started getting serious. At that point my lady friend said she wanted to tell me about her past so that everything was in the open. I told her I knew she wasn’t a virgin, enjoyed sex, and didn’t really care about what happened before we met. Well, she went ahead and told me about her past lovers anyway; the when, the where, their names, and races. This was just TMI, and made her past experiences too personal to me. I sucked it up for awhile, but then one night she told me about her second lover “who was so big that she felt she was going to be split in half”, and she spread her hands apart to provide visual emphasis. Well, this was the last straw. An image was burned into my brain that I just can’t get rid of. This image comes uninvited especially during sex, and sometimes I can not continue. Our relationship has suffered, and at times I thought I was going nuts. I have talked to my doctor, a therapist, and my lady friend about this, but I still have demons. My lady friend doesn’t understand why this should matter because it happened a long time ago, it wasn’t pleasant, and our love should be unconditional. I told her that I didn’t think she intended to hurt me, but that unconditional love does not permit unconditional abuse of the relationship, and the physical details of her past lover did damage. My doctor and shrink have helped me understand my reaction, and given me tools to deal with this. The uninvited images are declining, and I pray to rid my brain of them soon. So in parting I will reiterate that too much disclosure isn’t always the way to go.
Research it / learn from history — the biggest and most emotionally damaging problems between people or peoples … have been due to something that was known [to at least one party] … but was NOT said.
Multiply just a 20-year glimpse into reality by 3 or 300 and you will consistantly find rationalizing any reason to ‘avoid’ a potentially uncomfortable ‘situation’ now … only delays it.
It’s too similar to like ‘buying’ a relationship on credit … borrowing ‘good times’ [past or present].
Eventually we all have to ‘pay’ that time back when the cosmic truth seeks it’s own balance — and the things lost most in such borrowed time, is interest.
The truth shall set you {both} free – to truly love.
Honesty is the best policy. But, I believe that there are certain things that you should not share from your past if it has the potential to hurt your relationship. Especially, sexual details with past lovers. Those things should be kept private only intended for you and that individual. If you still have feelings for past lovers I believe you should be honest about them otherwise it will stunt your growth with your new relationships. Are you truly ready to move on? Are you totally healed from the past? Are you bringing the past into the present? Are you bringing your past sexual relations into your new bed?
I am . A widow of 1 yr,I was married for 1/2 my life,and now I feel like I need to have a male friend /companion. I have to use oxygen 24/7 and I carry it with me at all times.I also have severe arthiris in my knees. Now with all this I had been on steriods because of an autoimmune disease that I have, and I gained alot of weight,sounds pretty dreadful,huh,ha
Ah, but my heart is light I have agreat amount of love I am attractive,I keep myself up ,the best I can I have lost 60lbs so far,and contiue albeit slowly , MY question,is will anyone give me a chance once they see the oxygen and cane. I am funny have beutiful eyes. I am a grest listener,
I am financially Ok,I don’t want to get married. I just want to have a good friend possible lover.
But as you can tell I am unsure of myself. When I was young I was considered quite lovely, but with age and disease it has me at an awkward disadvantage, anyway that is how I feel
However, I have had men in the grocery try to have coffee with me ,so I guess I am not so bad, but I guess I keep mesuring myself against what I was befor I got sick,20yrs ago.
Give me some input,as to what you think I should expect.I really would appreciate some help.
Thank you
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I think i have some of the same questions as Sandy; I am a 44 yr old divorced, single mom of two young adult children, relocated & starting over in a new state & living on my own for the 1st time & really enjoying life! I spent over 15 years single & celibate after my divorce & have only had 1 recent relationship which ended when i moved. I am a vibrant, happy, giving & loving woman who has so much to give but i have concerns because i have some rather challenging health issues. 1st i was diagnosed several years back with being in the early stages of bone marrow cancer which does cause me some pain but it is manageable most days; i also had major reconstructive back surgery 4 years ago that has left my back & right side rather scarred. This is very delicate for me because i am so full of life & so ready to live life but i am reminded that my health could decline at anytime; having such a condition, can be really difficult & I struggle with knowing when to share such information. Also, since i have children, i have to be very selective in choosing a mate, in case things take a turn for the worst. Just wondering if anyone would share their thoughts; should i continue my search for love or abandon all hope???
i personally try to find out all the info about the person before i invest feelings in them.if we fall in love,then i find out later that shes been divorced, has children somewhere, has had way too many partners,or has been with someone like ron jeremy,lol,then i know it aint gonna work out so i ask up front.if they dont want to tell e how many people they have been with,whether its few or many, it’ll be haunting me in the back of my mind,and that sux.i’d be upfront about everything,and no matter how much we like/love each other,if she cant accept something ive done,i totally understand because relationships are nothing more than a business transaction.
BE HONEST in all you do. But TMI is a terrible thing. The lady friend of King — who insisted she share all the gory details with him, including the incredible size of Lover #2′s love unit…. oh my. Reminds me of my last manfriend who, while watching TV one night, told me that Angelina Jolie is what a woman ought to be. Obivously I am NOT Angelina Jolie or I would not be writing this — I’d be doing SOMEthing with Brad Pitt… but with that one casual remark, let me know just what a disappointment I was to him as a woman. That, and a whole bucket of emotional turd, ended the sorry saga. But that was certainly a case where sex began too quickly in the relationship and for all the wrong reasons. I wanted him to know more about me and always wanted to know more about him but it gradually became clear to me that I was nothing more than a free place to stay when he was in town. Having a “relationship” was not what the guy wanted… at least not with me. He seemed more interested in my daughter which is an entirely different creepy deal. If you are with someone and they aren’t interested in learning what makes you who you are (you shouldn’t go into great detail but the rough outlines are good for them to know) and of course you want to know who they are and why, for example, certain things are hard for them… based on things that have happened in the past. NO ONE comes to a relationship without having had some hurts, sorrows, regrets, joys etc… and knowing what those are, helps us to truly PARTNER with them in the joyous business of living. But those who have been hurt are going to feel that the information would eventually be used against them and I sympathize with that reaction because it’s where I am now. But, in an ideal world, people can share who they are with another — that’s a relationship. Anything else is —- I don’t know what it is but it’s not something I want.
I would normally agree with all that say throw all of it out there in the name of honesty. But I want to make people aware that some of us out here that do plan to do just that have a very personal decision to make about then WHEN some information is revealed. I was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder when I was twenty- five years old. I am now forty-four, and newly divorced. People in a well state of a mood disorder want what anyone does, love, life and peace in their hearts. The exact timing of this information is varied with each person’s attitude about themselves, stigma they’ve faced before, and their life experiences with the disorder.
I work diligently online everywhere I can to fight the stigma of mental illness folks. I really just hope some people who NEED to see what I write here do. Thank you.
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