Are secret relationships alluring or damaging?
by Erina Lee | September 30, 2011
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Have you ever had a secret romantic relationship – a covert liaison that you kept from others? Maybe it was just something you wanted to keep to yourselves – a romantic escapade between just the two of you. Or maybe it was something you had to keep from gossipy coworkers, critical parents, or disapproving friends. Although secret relationships can be alluring and sometimes necessary, does the secrecy have further consequences?
Researchers found that 15-33% of dating participants across their multiple studies were currently in a relationship that they hid from at least one other person (Foster & Campbell, 2005).
There is definitely something to secrecy that is exciting. For example, in one study, participants were assigned to touch the feet of another partner under the table while playing cards (Wegner, Lane, & Dimitri, 1994). Those told to do it stealthily, had more attraction for their partner compared to those who performed the action out in the open (in front of other card players). Researchers explained that the more you try to suppress a secret, the stronger it comes out, and therefore the more you think about it. Perhaps it was also the thrill of the secret that somehow got passed on to the partner, making him or her seem more thrilling as well.
In another study, researchers found that secrecy in the relationship was also associated with less commitment (Lehmiller, 2009). They found that in hiding the relationship from others, secret-keepers were less likely to think of themselves and their partners as a joint pair and therefore limited the closeness and connection they felt in the relationship.
As an important note, the findings were supported such that secrecy predicted commitment rather than the other way around. It would be easy to think of an example where someone were embarrassed about a relationship partner (i.e., had less commitment to the relationship) and therefore wanted to hide it from his/her friends (i.e., developed secretive behaviors). However this pattern may be more of an exception than a rule as it was not supported by the data.
The bottom line is that keeping relationship partners hidden might unintentionally undermine the foundation of the relationship – something to keep in mind before your next secret tryst.
Further Reading:
Foster, C., & Campbell, W. (2005). The adversity of secret relationships Personal Relationships, 12 (1), 125-143 DOI: 10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00105.x
Lehmiller, J.J. (2009). Secret romantic relationships: consequences for personal and relational well-being. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 35 (11), 1452-66 PMID: 19713569
Wegner, D., Lane, J., & Dimitri, S. (1994). The allure of secret relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66 (2), 287-300 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.66.2.287
There was this gentleman and he wanted to keep me a secret. I had to make sure I was not seen going into his apartment and we only watched wrestling and listen to music and other shows. This had me feel cheap for this was done for teo and half years. Woman were jealous is what I was told by many men. In a senior place and I just could not deal with it for still care but he is with a drunk and he says he is feed up with it . On the site found this guy and after a month found out he is a scam. Now this gentleman wants to email can not do it for I do not have the funds to join for will just let the Lord handle everything.
I’ve been in a secret relationship for almost 5 months now.My date and i meet at least once a week because of my situation. I don’t want to be selfish to him coz i cant give him fully my time. Although m at d losing end here coz of d situation since i like him more , we try to compromise and hope that this relationship would last. We went out and became good friends during teenager but got reconnected a year ago after 20 yrs thru fb.He’s very much single and m separated although technically married.
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