Why do you have sex?
Amy Strachman, Ph.D., eHarmony Labs
Lack of sexual desire is the most common presenting problem at sex therapy clinics.12 In a survey of Americans, a lack of sexual desire was reported by 32% of women and 15% of men ages 18 to 29 years.3 Recent books by sex therapists and clinicians with such titles as Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages4 and Reclaiming desire: Four keys to finding your lost libido5 target couples who seek to rekindle sexual intimacy and passion in their relationships. Several large-scale surveys have also shown that sexual desire declines over time in relationships.67 Sexual desire typically peaks at the beginning of relationships when partners are just getting to know each other, and often decreases over the course of relationships.89 In a recent issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,10 my colleagues and I introduce approach relationship goals (i.e., goals focused on the pursuit of positive experiences in one’s relationship such as fun, growth, and development) as a factor that may help couples to maintain sexual desire over the course of their relationship.
Approach and Avoidance Relationship Goals
Approach relationship goals direct individuals toward potential positive outcomes such as intimacy or growth in the relationship, and avoidance relationship goals direct individuals away from potential negative outcomes such as conflict or rejection. For example, “having sex to express love for your partner” is an approach sexual goal whereas “having sex because you don’t want your partner to be angry” is an avoidance sexual goal. Similarly, “I want to deepen my relationship with my romantic partner” is an approach relationship goal whereas “I want to make sure nothing bad happens to my relationship” is an avoidance relationship goal. People with approach goals want something good to happen and those with avoidance goals don’t want anything bad to happen. It’s possible to be high in approach goals AND high in avoidance goals. It may seem like a small difference, but research has shown that people who are high in approach and low in avoidance tend to feel better about themselves and their relationship. And now, we have evidence to show that these goals can help our sexual relationship as well! Whereas people with weak approach goals (i.e., those possessing a lack of interest in pursuing growth, fun, and development in their relationships) experienced declines in sexual desire over the course of the 6-month study, people with strong approach goals (i.e., those who possessed a great deal of interest in pursuing positive outcomes in their relationships) maintained high levels of sexual desire over the course of the study.
How Can Approach Goals Help to Maintain High Levels of Sexual Desire?
In our research, we found that people who tend to think of their relationships in terms of approach-oriented goals (such as the ones above) were able to extend the good times and weather the bad times. Relationships have good days and bad days, and these ups and downs take their toll on our sex life. Some days, your partner may really get on your nerves and the last thing you want to do is have sex. People with strong approach-oriented goals, however, don’t let these bad days affect their sexual desire as much. Additionally, some days you and your partner just “click” and you feel your sexual urges heighten. People with strong approach-oriented goals are more likely to take advantage of these good days and feel even greater sexual desire.
Further Reading:
1. Beck, J. G. (1995). Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: An overview. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 63, 919-927.
2. Hawton, K., Catalan, J., & Fagg, J. (1991). Low sexual desire: Sex therapy results and prognostic factors. Behavioral Research and Therapy, 29, 217-224.
3. Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J. H., Michael, R. T., & Michaels, S. (1994). The social organization of sexuality. Sexual practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
4. McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2003). Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages. New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.
5. Goldstein, A., & Brandon, M. (2004). Reclaiming desire: Four keys to finding your lost libido. New York, NY: Rodale, Inc.
6. Johnson, A. M., Wadworth, J., Wellings, K., & Field, J. (1994). Sexual attitudes and lifestyles. London: Blackwell.
7. Klusmann, D. (2002). Sexual motivation and the duration of partnership. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31, 275-287.
8. Basson, R. (2002). Women’s sexual desire – Disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 17-28.
9. Levine, S. B. (2003). The nature of sexual desire: A clinician’s perspective. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 279-285.
10. Impett, E., Strachman, A., Finkel, E., & Gable., S. L. (2008). Maintaining sexual desire and sexual satisfaction: The importance of approach relationship goals. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 94, 808-823.
