Why Are All of My Matches So Different?

by eHarmony Staff

Why Are All of My Matches So Different?

Does this letter sound familiar?

I have been on eHarmony for a couple of months and have been matched with over 60 women; have been in touch with over 30 women; 10 of them let me read their personality profile; I actually met 3 women all of whom were good matches for me but no two of them are remotely the same. I understand that the goal of this service is to match people on the basis of their personality. My question is as follows: How can all these dramatically different women be a good match for me?

Well, we’d be happy to answer your question. eHarmony is searching for someone who is like you in a number of important ways. As you probably, know we base our compatibility assessment on 29 dimensions. 29 areas that my research has shown are vital for a couple’s long term relationship success.

These dimensions are widely varied and touch on many different areas, including Kindness, Intelligence, Anger Management, Curiosity, Ambition, Emotional Health, Adaptability. These are just a few of the 29 dimensions we consider when choosing a match for you.

Why is it important that a life mate be similar to you in these areas? In our time researching successful couples we noticed one trend above all others: people who enjoyed long and happy marriages were very similar in a number of important and basic ways. They aren’t clones. They have space within their relationship, and often that space includes some separate friends, separate interests and the like. But on the big personality traits – on the big social, and lifestyle issues – there was great similarity between them on the day they met.

Every significant difference between you and your spouse will create the need for a compromise. Over a lifetime that compromise is a weight on the marriage. We’re not talking about compromising on where you’ll have dinner on Friday night. We’re looking at compromise in the 29 dimensions. If you are very ambitious and she is not. If you are a very kind person and she is not. If education is very important to you and has little value to her. Fundamental disagreement on these issues will gnaw away a relationship.

Let’s draw the analogy to a bank account. Each similarity is a deposit and each compromise is a withdrawal. If your relationship has a significant number of similarities there will be enough in the bank account to endure the occasional withdrawal. But when the dissimilarities begin to stack up there is great possibility of overdrawing the account.

Because of the number of dimensions we match on and the wide range of human activity within each dimension, the people who would be a great match for you vary greatly.

• A person who has a tremendous analytical intelligence, a great degree of curiosity in several specific areas, a general ambition, and a very small amount of anger might be a great fit for you.

• A person who has a substantial human intelligence, a moderate degree of curiosity in all things, a driving career ambition and a very effective way of blowing off their more considerable natural anger, might also be a great match for you.

If you met these two people side by side, they would seem very different, and this is just considering four dimensions. The important thing to remember is that we only present a match to you when we’ve found someone we feel is special. All our matches fit with you in fundamental and important ways.

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