Are you trying to woo your matches too soon? We’ve got some insight into the process of getting to know your potential love interests.
It’s natural and appropriate to put your best foot forward in the online relationship search process, but it’s also easy to overdo it! One of the biggest mistakes you can make when getting to know a match is wooing them too soon or trying too hard. You can catch yourself early on, though, and make your search a lot smoother for both you and your match.
So, could you be scaring away matches with your overzealous ”wooing” tendencies?
Check in with yourself: Some common tendencies of people who are more prone to premature wooing are …
- People pleasers
- Basing your worth on your performance
- Getting a thrill from “conquering” romantically
- Perceiving that good candidates are few and far between, thus placing too much “weight” on the “rare good match”
- Lacking dating experience
- Having been taught that dating is the same as pursuing
- Being prone to fantasy
- Fearing or thriving on competition in mate selection
The Guided Communication process is intended to help members determine how much potential a match may have. If you‘re trying to “win over” your match prematurely, you may be setting both parties up for a lose-lose situation. Beware of these 3 common tendencies!
Creating the Perfect Match (on paper!):
Let’s say this morning you get a match that seems to be the most promising one you’ve ever received, and they’re communicating with you, too! They sent their first questions, and one of them is “How often do you lose your temper?” You gulp, thinking of your frequent vicious rush hour rants. You deduce that this match must require an even-tempered partner, so you put, “Practically never.” Maybe you justified your answer somehow: “I get frustrated,” you may say, “Not angry.”
Do you kind of feel as if your match is your merciless professor, and you’re hoping to get an A+ with your answers? To you, “success” means that they are advancing the communication – mirroring you with responses, hopefully asking you out or accepting your invitation. Then you know you’ve made the grade.
If you’ve put your match on a pedestal before getting to know them better, and you’re just trying to get them to be “into you” too, you’re giving them too much power. This minimizes your value and inflates theirs.
And – the match whom you’ve put on a pedestal could fall for you – and once you’ve lost interest, they could come crashing down hard.
The Game Player:
Do you approach “getting through” the stages as if getting to the next level in a video game? There’s a buzz that you can get from knowing that your match is into you, and perhaps that you call the shots, you’re conquering them, and you’re in control.
But not really. Because they don’t know the real you – just the persona you’re presenting.
When is the right time to woo someone?
Do you fall into any of the above scenarios? If so, then you may want to take a step back and readjust your process. There’s a time to explore, to proceed cautiously, and to pursue with enthusiastic abandon. So when do you know that you’ve gathered enough information to move forward?
According to Gian Gonzaga, PhD, Senior Director of Research and Development and head of eHarmony Labs, different people feel comfortable wooing and being wooed earlier or later. “No time to start the wooing process in the relationship search is “wrong” or “right”, per se. However, the daters may want to keep their eyes open for either partner’s feelings to change (even abruptly), especially if the wooing process starts before you have had a chance to know each other at all.”
“Also keep in mind that it is going to take time before each of you is comfortable showing your ‘real selves,’ and partners keep discovering new things about each other for many years. But intimacy is built on showing and accepting the good and not so good aspects of each other,” says Gonzaga.
What can you do to get your timing right?
- Take time to get to know your match before jumping to conclusions.
- Get insights from honest, trustworthy friends.
- Create a topic on the discussion boards to get advice.
It’s a process of trial and error and you can always keeping learning. When it’s time, it will be that much more satisfying to invest your energy in wooing the right person for the right reasons!