The Online Dating Guide for Modest People

by eHarmony Staff

The Online Dating Guide for Modest People

Dating can be difficult for everyone. But if you’re the type of person who is quiet, introverted, and modest you often experience an additional set of problems. We’ve put together several suggestions to help.

In this loud, shameless world modest people can have a tough time. It can be easy to look around and draw the conclusion that the only way to succeed is to be flashy, self-promoting, and aggressive. Of course, that’s because aggressive people do succeed. They push and push and the people around them often give in to the onslaught.

What if you’re one of those people who aren’t aggressive? What is your best path to success in online dating?

1.Understand that “Modest” Can’t Mean “Passive”

In the world of online dating passive is the surest path to failure. This has been a problem for many women who were taught that a lady doesn’t initiate a relationship with a man. This idea may or may not hold water in the “real world”, but in an online world, where so many people are available, it won’t work.

Say, for example, that you’re a woman who has a match and you’re acting under the assumption that “If he likes me, he’ll reach out to me.” This man may have a dozen matches or more that he’s trying to manage along with his busy life. The woman who contacts him and says, “Hi,” is going to fair much better than the one that simply waits.

If you were taught to believe that you shouldn’t contact a man in this way, remember, you’re not asking him on a date. You’re simply saying “Hello.” You’re making small talk and in the end you may leave it up to him to push the relationship forward.

2.Get Help With Your Profile

If you’re so modest that you find it impossible to describe yourself on paper in an interesting way, you’re going to need help. When your match gets your written profile they are using that to determine if you’re worth communication. If you consider that they have several others to choose from, it makes it clear that you need to be at your best at that moment.

Modest people often feel that sharing their accomplishments and passions is bragging. It can be unseemly to write a sentence that trumpets your best traits. So, they end up with a collection of sentences like, “I just want to live a simple life and meet someone nice.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting a simple life and meeting someone nice, but if your profile is a long and lukewarm collection of that observation you can see how it doesn’t do you justice in the eyes of your matches. No matter how low-key and modest you may be, you have interests, loves, and passions that, if properly described, make you interesting.

Finding a person to help you write a great profile may be difficult. After all, they need to know you well enough to help highlight your most interesting facets, and they need to have some ability to put together an interesting collection of your facts. But it is highly likely that you’ll end up with a better experience if you can find someone to help create an attractive profile.

As an additional suggestion, if you’re having a tough time finding someone to help craft your profile you can visit our eHarmony Advice Community where users are more than happy to help make suggestions for improvement.

3.Be Up Front About Your Modest Nature

People who are quiet or modest are often misunderstood. People mistake their lack of expressiveness as a lack of interest or arrogance. It’s always a good idea to mention early in the getting-to-know-you phase that you have a quiet disposition. This will help your date gauge your reaction to the evening.

This certainly extends to the physical part of dating as well. So many great first dates end up as last dates because the two people have a fundamental misunderstanding about what happened. When asked why they didn’t call for a second date men will say, “It didn’t seem like she had a good time. I tried to kiss her at the end of the night and she pulled away.” To him that may mean that she wasn’t attracted to him. To her it may just be a policy against kissing on the first date, no matter how attracted she is.

Of course, this conversation can be a little awkward, but if you had a great time, make sure you say so. Make sure you say, “I’d really love to see you again.” If the other person leans in for a kiss and you feel that you can’t because it is inappropriate on the first date just say something like, “I’m very attracted to you, but I generally don’t share a kiss on the first date.” Anything to let you partner know there is a physical connection.

4. Understand That You May Need to Compromise

Compromise is a funny thing. For the wrong person, it never seems worth it. For the right one, it can be painless. As we’ve learned by looking at the Must Haves that men choose most often an affectionate partner is high on their list. Many people love a certain degree of small scale public affection – holding hands, a short kiss, hugging or walking around arm in arm. Modest people can have a big problem with this.

In the grand scheme of relationship compatibility you never want to lose a great partner because you aren’t comfortable holding hands in public. It’s going to be an area where you want to seek a compromise, and since affection isn’t something you typically plan out, there are going to be times where things happen that make you uneasy. Bring a spirit of compromise to the issue and chances are you’ll be able to reach a place where both of you feel more-or-less comfortable.

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