1. Dogs Get You Moving
A March 2011 study published in the Journal of Physical Activity & Health found that dog owners are more likely to reach their fitness goals than those without canine companions. Researchers at Michigan State University found that dog owners are 34 percent more likely to fit in 150 minutes of walking per week than non-dog owners.

2. And Keep You Going
The same study from Michigan State found that owning a pet dog promotes health and fitness even after you take your pup for a stroll, increasing leisure-time physical activity by 69 percent.

3. Dogs Push You to the Next Level
A University of Missouri study found that walking with a dog leads to a 28 percent increase in walking speed, compared to a 4 percent increase found with a human walking buddy.

4. Dogs Don’t Accept Excuses
People who walk with dogs are more likely to stick to their fitness plans than those who walk with humans or alone, according to researchers at the University of Missouri.

5. Dogs Ease the Road to Recovery
Breakup? Romantic rough patch? Your furry friend is there for you in good times and bad. A study from the National Institutes of Health found dog owners had a better one-year survival rate following a heart attack than non-dog owners.

6. Dogs Lower Your Risk of Diabetes
Dog owners who walk their dogs regularly have one-third the risk of diabetes than those who don’t own and walk a dog, according to exercise scientist Cindy Lentino.

7. It’s Good for the Whole Family
A study from the University of Virginia found that teens from dog-owning families are more physically active than teens whose families don’t own a pet dog, clocking an extra 15 minutes of exercise each week.

8. Fewer Trips to the Doctor’s Office
Dog owners require 20 percent less medical care than non-dog owners, according to a UCLA study among the elderly.

9. Dogs Improve Your People Skills
Researchers at Central Michigan University found that when a dog is present in a collaborative group setting, group members rank their teammates higher in terms of trust, team cohesion, and intimacy.

10. Dogs Provide Preventative Healthcare
Scientist from the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine found that children from families with a history of allergies are less likely to develop eczema if they grow up with a pet dog starting at birth.

11. Puppies May Replace Your Pain Meds
Patients recovering from joint replacement therapy who use animal-assisted therapy need 50 percent less pain medication, according to Loyola University researchers.

12. Dogs Boost Your Social Life
It may seem counterintuitive, but being close with your pooch helps develop human relationships. Studies find that owning a dog, and particularly walking your dog, increases social interaction.

13. Dogs are Good for Your Heart
Sure, being more active will obviously lead to improved blood pressure, but studies have found that the mere act of petting your puppy will decrease your blood pressure.

14. Dogs Teach Us to Love
Child psychologist Robert Bierer of Albuquerque found that children who had experience caring for a dog had higher levels of empathy and self-esteem than children without pet dogs.

15. Dogs Are Powerful Listeners
Your pet pup could help your child learn to read. A study from the University of California, Davis found that kids who practice reading to a dog see a 12 percent improvement in reading skills over a 10-week period, compared to no improvement seen by kids who didn’t read to a pup.

Remember, pets are not something to have for a season or a few years. They are for life! We encourage everyone to consider adopting a pet – they will be eternally grateful.

More from Shape.com:

How to become a morning person

7 pantry staples every woman needs

Could you be addicted to Chapstick?

The post 15 Ways Puppies Improve Your Health appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Even though I had an amazing life, wonderful friends, and a successful career, at 43 I found myself still single with no real prospects for romance.  In a moment of inspiration, I decided to see if all the manifestation tools and techniques I had successfully used in my business would work in my love life. The first thing I did was invest some time, energy, attention, and intention into creating what I call a Soulmate Wish List.  It may sound simple on the surface, but you’ll be surprised by the wealth of information this one exercise will reveal.

Making the list requires hanging out in your heart long enough to hear what it is you most desire in a life partner. It also requires a leap of faith: Once you’ve clarified your unique goals, preferences, and tastes, you have to cultivate the trust that the one you’ve asked for is on the way. Think of it this way:

When you walk into your favorite coffee house you confidently tell the barista, “I will have a tall, half-caff, low-fat mocha latte, with a splash of non-sugar vanilla syrup to go.” The barista smiles, writes your order on the side of a cup and takes your money. Within minutes you are walking out the door with the precise, delicious cup of coffee that you ordered. Ordering up a soulmate from the Universe works in a similar way. It demands a bit more thought and it’s not always as instantaneous, but it can be just as precise. However, here is the key to unlocking the full manifestation powers of the Universe: You must clearly place your order.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably pretty clear about what you don’t want in a partner, but attracting your soulmate doesn’t work that way. You must ask for what you do want, and this is where your Soulmate Wish List comes in. By identifying what’s really important to you, you’ll begin to send out a strong and consistent signal that will draw to you a partner who has values and goals that are similar to yours. If, however, you get caught in the trap of “keeping all your options open,” you may confuse the Cosmic Order Taker as to what it is you really want.

God is in the Details

Begin by thinking about the aspects of your life that you look forward to sharing with a partner and the way you would like to feel in his or her presence. Here are some specific questions that will help you create and refine your list:

• How would I like to feel when I wake up in the morning next to my soulmate?
• What kind of lifestyle will we lead? Are you both workaholics or couch potatoes or a combination of the two?
• How do we spend our weekends? Hiking local trails, taking in movies or cultural events, or hanging out around the house?
• Do we have or want children – and, are you willing to accept someone else’s children into your life?

Telling the Universe the characteristics you are looking for in a soulmate is similar to typing a key word into an Internet search engine. The more specific you are, the greater the chances that your search will yield you exactly what you’re looking for.

To get you started, below are a handful of qualities and traits to consider when creating your soulmate list. Read these for ideas, but write down only the qualities and traits that are really important to you. If you have past lovers with whom you have happy memories (or perhaps you are still friends), think about the qualities that you appreciate most about them, as it might provide a clue as to the type of person you are ready to manifest now. Take as much time as you need to create your list, making it as short or as long as you would like.

• Abundant
• Affectionate
• Ambitious
• Articulate
• Adorable
• Beautiful
• Bubbly
• Caring
• Charismatic
• Considerate
• Creative
• Dog lover (or cat or fish or whatever your pet of preference is)
• Endearing
• Enjoys ________ (add your choice of  words – foreign films, travel, chanting, etc)
• Emotionally available
• Family oriented
• Flexible
• Fun, funny
• Happy
• Healthy
• Independent
• Generous (with money, time, affection, etc.)
• Great relationships (with family, children, ex-spouses, etc.)
• Loves to _______(cook, play golf, bungee jump or whatever turns you on)
• Loving
• Nurturing
• Playful
• Sexy
• Sensuous
• Spiritually open (or attends church, temple, mosque, etc.)
• Smart
• Successful
• Supportive (of your career, dreams, triathlon training, etc.)

Writing Your List

After you’ve contemplated the specific qualities that are important to you in a partner, write your list out in ink on a beautiful sheet of stationary. As you write each word, imagine that you are living with your soulmate right now, giving thanks for their presence in your life. Feel the feelings of joy, happiness, passion and peace that come with knowing that the hands of fate have reunited you with your beloved.

Releasing Your List

Now that you’ve created your list, it’s important to release it with some kind of sacred ceremony (be sure to keep a copy of the list somewhere for future reference). By symbolically releasing it, you are surrendering your attachment to how, where and when your soulmate will arrive, and allowing the Universe to handle the details. As Deepak Chopra writes in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, “in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire; it means you give up your attachment to the result.”

Pick a special day to perform this ritual. It can be a full moon, a new moon, a Friday (the day of Venus, Goddess of Love) or any other day you deem special.  Select a time of day and location that feels right for you. Begin by reading your list out loud, allowing the feeling of every word, trait, quality and desire to ripple through you. Then, as an act of faith that your wishes have been heard and granted, put it into a fire-safe container and burn it. As your list is turning to ash, know that your deepest intentions are being handed over to unseen forces that will orchestrate the time and place when you will one day meet your soulmate. Release the ashes into a body of water (the ocean, a river, a lake, etc.), or if that isn’t possible or practical, plant them in a garden.

Take a few minutes to sit quietly with your eyes closed, feeling your heart opening and expanding and knowing that your prayers have been released to the powers of the Universe. In the quiet of your heart, send a message to your beloved that you are looking forward to seeing them soon.

Celebrate

The last phase of your Soulmate List ritual is to create a private celebration for yourself. It can be as simple as enjoying a glass of champagne at an elegant location while you practice beaming love to everyone you see, or you may want to cook a delicious meal, light candles, play romantic music and bask in the knowingness that the wheels of destiny that will join you and your beloved have already been set into motion. Whatever kind of celebration feels right to you will be perfect.

Please remember, you don’t need to know exactly how, when, or where your soulmate will appear in your life. Your only job is to place your order by clarifying exactly what you desire and preparing yourself on all levels to receive him or her. Making your personal Soulmate Wish List is a great place to start.  The clearer and more specific you are when you ask, the easier it is for the Universe to answer your call.

Please join Arielle for a F*R*E*E* online seminar: “3 Keys to Manifesting True Love.” It starts Thursday, May 16th, at 5:00pm Pacific. It might make all the difference in helping you find your Soulmate!

Arielle Ford has spent the past 25 years living and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is the author of THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest the Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction (Harper One). She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband, Brian Hilliard.  Learn more about Arielle at www.arielleford.com, www.twitter.com/arielleford and www.facebook.com/ariellefordfanpage.

The post How to Create Your Soulmate Wish List appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

For instance, would you qualify video games as a hobby? Even if someone plays for hours each day, or forgoes sleep and human interaction to focus on a role-playing game? Or what about shopping? Lots of people love to shop, but could they be obsessed with the thrill of finding a bargain rather than actually owning the items in their cart?

Those activities aren’t merely hobbies at this point, or even bad habits; they’re more along the lines of addictions. And, according to Daily Telegraph columnist Damian Thompson, they could be ruining your life. ”More and more of the goods we’re surrounded by are sneakily drawing us into addictive behavior,” says Thompson, who recently penned “The Fix: How Addiction is Taking Over Your World.” In the new book, Thompson outlines the daily rituals or guilty pleasures that give us our much needed “fixes”: things as obvious as alcohol or painkillers, or as innocent as cupcakes and iPhones.

“There’s no doubt that people are moving toward more compulsive patterns,” notes Thompson. “The pace of life is accelerating … so the need for rewards must accelerate, too.” And unlike our ancestors, we don’t need to seek out those rewards — there are plenty of services that are more than happy to provide them. For starters, the internet caters to every hobby, habit or vice virtually instantaneously. You can check email, play games against your friends, or even watch whole seasons of your favorite television shows at once. “The box-set — and now Netflix — allows us to binge,” says Thompson, who admits to “mainlining” episodes of “Dexter” at the moment. “I don’t think people are aware they’re even experiencing these urges [to binge],” he says. “They don’t ask themselves, after watching an episode of ‘Dexter,’ why they’ve got to watch another one right after it.”

Sugary food, too, is becoming more of an addiction. Thompson explains how mini-desserts — especially the countless workday treats we use to reward ourselves — allow us to indulge in junk food unlike ever before. He cites a “cupcake craze,” specifically. ”The cupcake is the most essentially evil invention for people who enjoy a sugar fix, like me,” says Thompson. He argues that cupcakes and other cute desserts have been sanitized, romanticized, and nostalgia-fied to the point where adults sometimes squeal like children whenever they’re near.

But perhaps one of the worst offenders is the smart phone. “Our entire day … is ruled by the iPhone,” believes Thompson. “We’re talking about a gateway,” Thompson further explains. “A whole generation of people are becoming addicting to spending time online … digitally aroused, entertained and satisfied.” ”Everything is made easier for you.” But while an iPhone addiction seems trivial, Thompson argues that it’s now difficult for most of us to live without the temporary “fixes” we get from our gadgets. “It’s not so much harming you on the outside, but it has a corrosive effect on human interaction,” he believes. “We’re becoming a more gossip-centered society.  ”But there are people out there who will charge enormous amounts of money to help with your addictions,” he continues. “There’s a lot of money in it.”

Thompson himself sought help for his addiction to alcohol years ago, even though he doesn’t qualify any of these addictions as diseases that need to be treated as such. “[Alcoholics Anonymous] was very helpful to me,” he states, “but I never bought the line that I was suffering from a clinical disease.” Instead, Thompson feels that that our addictive behaviors are the product of advancements in technology and marketing, which allows manufacturers and advertisers zero in on our tastes and preferences. ”This is the paradox at the center of it. This is science getting better, smarter,” says Thompson. “But we also have to recognize that cancer treatments are better because of advancements in technology.”

And since society is always striving for that next big breakthrough, we’re sure to be seeing more and more habits, or vices, that we feel we just can’t live without. Our job, then, is to control those impulses. “We need to say, ‘No, I’m not going to eat another Cinnabon,’ or, ‘I’m not going to go on [indulging my obsessions] because I see a nice little buzz,’” says Thompson.  “Let’s put it this way: We’re going to be defined by the moment at which we can say no to temptation,” he adds. None of us are exempt from that temptation, either. And surprisingly enough, Thompson claims that none of us are free of addiction — be it the need to glance at a smart phone or add to a prized music collection. “To anyone reading ‘The Fix,’ I’d say this: See if you can find yourself in here,” he suggests. “Because you will.”

What do you think you are addicted to?

More from Fox News Magazine:

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What to Do When You Don’t Like Your Friend’s Guy

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The post Addiction or Habit: Understanding the Difference appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

This wonderful Universe of ours is set up to deliver the people and things we draw to us that our consistent with our personal belief system. If you don’t believe you will ever find the one for you, then, guess what? You get to be right…you probably won’t. If, however, you learn to believe that the one is not only out there but is also looking for you, then true love can be yours.

The basic law of attraction states that you will attract to you those things that match your state of belief. Believing that your soul mate is out there is critical to the preparation of manifestation.

I believe that the Universe is always mirroring back to us our beliefs about our selves and the world. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience. But, if we believe the world is a chaotic, stressful and fearful place, then that becomes our reality. So, believing and knowing that your soul mate is out there is the most important part of the formula.

What if I told you that it’s not your job to know how your soul mate is going to appear? What if I told you it’s only your job to be ready, willing and open to love. Think about it this way: you really don’t know where air comes from but you do believe that it’s always there for you, right?

The same is true for love.  It’s there for you.  It’s always been there for you.  You just need to remember the love that you are and once you do, the Universe will deliver to you the perfect soul mate.

Here is what worked for me and I know it can work for you: When I was in my early forties I decided to manifest my soulmate using everything I had ever learned about manifestation, psychology, spirituality, and the law of attraction.  My intentions became crystal clear while I simultaneously cleared out the clutter in my house AND in my heart. I learned and invented techniques, rituals, visualizations and prayers that helped me prepare my body, mind, spirit and home for an amazing relationship. And they worked. I met my husband, Brian, who has exceeded all of my desires and expectations. He was and is everything I ever wished for.

Big love is possible for any one of any age if you are willing to become a magnet for love. Continue to live each day in the knowingness that you are in a loving, committed relationship as you savor the waiting for your beloved to arrive.

The happily married couples I know didn’t just “get lucky.” Most of them invested time and energy in their own personal growth. They worked on themselves via therapy, coaches, workshops, books and seminars. They studied themselves and they studied “love.” They became experts in their own issues and evolved as individuals. And then, once they met and married their soulmate, they didn’t stop. They attended couples workshops, and read books on how to make a relationship really sing.

I am telling you this because if you truly want love, you need to make the investment of time, energy and yes, sometimes even money. Here’s a simple analogy: For those of you who love to cook…chances are you have more than one cookbook in your kitchen. You are always looking for “new” recipes. And, you don’t expect to always get a recipe right on the first try. You know that sometimes practice makes perfect. It’s like that in love as well.

I believe it is important that you first and foremost make a commitment to yourself to become the best you possible while you also manifest the best possible soulmate for yourself.

So, I encourage you to make an investment in yourself…spending your life with your best friend and lover is so worth it! With that in mind, please join me for a F*R*E*E* online seminar: “3 Keys to Manifesting True Love.” It starts Thursday, May 16th, at 5:00pm Pacific. It might make all the difference in helping you find your Soulmate!

Arielle Ford has spent the past 25 years living and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is the author of THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest the Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction (Harper One). She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband, Brian Hilliard. Follow her on Facebook!

The post The Key to Finding Love at Any Age appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

It’s an age of unprecedented 24/7 connection, in which Facebook, email, text messaging and other forms of electronic communication have us instantly connected to anyone and everyone around us. And yet, many of us are also experiencing a profound and pervasive sense of isolation and disconnectedness. We skate along the surface of our relationships, having swapped quantity for quality and frequency for depth.

The explanation for this seeming contradiction of isolation and disconnectedness in a massively interconnected world is that most of us have never learned – or seem to have forgotten – how to connect or even what it means to connect on a fundamental level.

Connection in the age of social media is even more challenging when electronic communication – including not only emails and texts but also posts, comments, likes and impromptu online chats – seduce us into believing that we are connecting more deeply than we really are.

While these forms of communication certainly broaden our opportunities to connect and can help us feel more connected, they can also crowd out the more human, meaningful and multi-dimensional ways of interacting, and even create the illusion of intimacy when in fact we are still emotionally disconnected.

So social media is helping to create more connections between people – think of everyone you know with several thousand friends on Facebook. But it’s also weakening those connections, degrading their quality, and in the process, degrading our ability to maintain them.

We’re more connected and yet less accessible…we’re more willing to broadcast the personal details of our lives and yet more guarded about revealing ourselves to those closest to us…we confuse our Facebook friends with our real friends and our social network with our social group.

What’s been missing from our lives is intimacy, which is really just the deeper level of connection that most of us talk about wanting in our personal relationships, but struggle to find in our modern-day lives.

What is Intimacy?

Most people talk about love, sex and feelings when they try to explain what intimacy means to them.

But while intimacy and love often go together, love is not intimacy, and love in a relationship does not guarantee intimacy. And although a sexual relationship may lead to an emotionally intimate one, you can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex. So sex is not intimacy either.

Finally, intimacy is not a feeling. Feelings – happy, sad, angry, afraid, hopeful, helpless, calm, proud, disappointed – are transient states of being that exist independently within you. By contrast, intimacy is an enduring state of being within a relationship that happens between you and your partner.

Put simply, emotional intimacy is about connecting and being connected on a deep emotional level to your partner. It’s the sharing of your innermost thoughts and feelings, coupled with all the ways of being together – a glance, a touch, a silent moment, a laugh, or just being present and attentive – that provide the foundation for an emotional connection in a personal relationship.

What do you think about how social media has affected your relationships?

Paul N. Weinberg is the coauthor of The I Factor, an inspirational and aspirational book about connection in the age of social media. The I Factor was recently published to rave reviews and endorsements from some of today’s biggest celebrities, including Larry King, Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, and Sofia Vergara. Available exclusively online in print and ebook versions through Amazon.com and the Apple iTunes Bookstore.

© 2012 by Paul N. Weinberg

The post The I Factor: Personal Connections in the Age of Social Media appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

When I suggest that to the over-40 single women in my dating workshops and coaching programs, I can see them cringe. Most of these otherwise outgoing women have no idea how to flirt with men, nor do they want to. They consider it quite childish, bordering on classless.

I have news for you: Here is what you get when you don’t flirt with nice men: a nice conversation. That’s it. You’re likely to stay in the dreaded friend zone. That means online you’ll never hear from him again, and offline he might ask you for lunch; but that’s all you’re going to get.

But you’re not looking for a buddy, right? When you see a man you’re attracted to, you want to be seen as a w-o-m-a-n! You want to be seen as someone he will consider asking out.

Here are four ways to flirt with flair and class – whether online or off – so you can get that date, and the next:

1.  Compliment him.

Have you ever noticed that we use compliments to connect with other women? “I love your purse!” “Your job sounds amazing!” “You crack me up!”

Why don’t you do that with men? Granted, it takes a different approach, but everyone likes to be complimented. Men love to know that you consider them to be smart, capable, fascinating and funny. A sincere compliment in those areas will give you a huge step forward toward connection. (Ahem: note the word “sincere.”)

You can tell him he has nice eyes, and he’ll appreciate it. But that won’t go so far as more substantive compliments. A confident, grownup good guy needs to hear more than you think he’s cute or you like his dog.

Tell him you agree with something he says; ask his opinion; let him suggest a book or restaurant; tell him you appreciate his jokes or that his business sounds interesting. Tell him you want to know more about something he’s interested in. When you’re online, pick something that stands out to you that the other thousands of women may not. Saying you like his dog is what every woman says. Instead, tell him you think it’s cool that he’s an engineer and ask him what he likes to create.

Men rarely receive compliments from women. When you do, you will stand out and he will take a second look.

2. Bare bits of your sweet soul!

Write like you’re chatting with him. I recommend that my clients ask and answer this question out loud: What do I like about him and what do I want him to know about me? Then just have a little conversation with yourself. This helps you get the words out so you can communicate in a genuine and open way.

When you write, let him know some real stuff about you. Share a funny or embarrassing thing that happened to you today. That tells him that you’re willing to be open and not take things too seriously. (Those are attractive qualities, don’t you think?) Tell him that you’re excited about taking your niece to the park and swinging on the swings with her. Tell him you’re studying French because you have dreams of going to Paris.

3. Show off, sister.

This may be difficult for you; it is for many women. We aren’t used to talking about ourselves because we’ve been told it’s selfish and braggadocios. (Love that word!) Real ladies are humble and let the man shine, right? No. It’s nonsense.

You’ve got to get over this if you want to help men get to know you. They want you to talk about yourself! (At least the good guys do.) He’s only going to know how fabulous you are – and if you’re a good match – if you get some of your shiny stuff out. Don’t be afraid to share your passions, interests, accomplishments, interesting life experiences and plans for the future.

You will get attention and get dates by showing the confidence to tell him who you are. You will be memorable and may be just a bit enticing. A warning though (as my husband says), men listen in headlines while women talk in stories! Don’t tell him long stories. Keep it brief, and if he’s a match for you, he will want more.

Whether online or off, it’s important that you show real and revealing glimpses of who you are and what you care about. The right guy will be drawn to you, and the wrong guy won’t. Isn’t that perfect?

4. Show clear interest.

A simple: “Nice talking to you” isn’t enough. Everyone says that, and it’s likely to be filed under the “she’s just being polite” category. Instead, add something to that. “It was nice talking to you, Bob. It would be nice to do it again.” That makes it clear that you’re open, and it shows that ever-attractive confidence. (You can apply this every step of the way: It was great to get your email, Bob. I look forward to continuing our conversation…and so on.)

There’s a big difference between this and asking him out. After you deliver this line, stop! You have helped him feel safe and appreciated. He knows you will say yes if he asks. (Men really do appreciate this…just think of how many times they’ve heard “no” in their lives!) If he’s interested he will make a move.

One last note: Remember that if he doesn’t go for your attempt, he probably knows something you don’t know about why you’re not a good match. (He wants someone taller, is obsessed with something you don’t like, sees his last horrible girlfriend in you, etc.)

Don’t let it discourage you. You’ll get points in your dating karma bank by making him feel good about himself, and it will be easier to do it the next time with the guy who may be your perfect match.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking flirting is tacky or that you can’t be good at it. Even if it doesn’t come naturally, there is hope! Use these techniques, keep on keepin’ on, and you’ll go from thinking of flirting as a necessary evil to looking forward to the next opportunity to strike up a connection and share yourself!

You can join Bobbi in person, along with other women just like you, at her upcoming Live Event: Mastering the Art of Magnetizing Men: Exclusively for Women over 40. In just two days you’ll know exactly how to flirt like a grownup, style yourself on dates, and much, much more.

The post Four Grownup Ways to E-Flirt With Class appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are 15 reasons to date a single mom.

1. She’s no wimp. Single moms are tough and independent.

2. She’s already a great mom. (And weren’t you looking for someone who would be a great mother? Look no further!)

3. She’s incredibly patient, but doesn’t have a lot of tolerance for bad behavior. She’ll be good for you.

4. She doesn’t play games. She doesn’t have time to just fool around. She takes her relationships seriously.

5. She’ll only keep you around if the relationship is a good thing for both her and her kids. You won’t have to guess if she’s into you.

6. Single moms are easy to pamper. (They don’t get breaks very often. Hint, hint.)

7. She’s loyal — and is fiercely protective of her little brood.

8. She can articulate what she wants and needs from a relationship.

9. Single moms are both practical and fun. There’s no room for diva behavior.

10. She’s no longer a party girl, but a fun night out is still very welcome.

11. She’s selfless. Single moms put others’ needs before their own.

12. Moms make the best lasagna and give the best back rubs.

13. You’ll get to take part in adventures to amusement parks, the zoo and the park. Bonus: You’ll have an excuse to play with toys.

14. She’s adaptable. She knows that life doesn’t always go as planned and has learned how to make the best of it.

15. Single moms can do it all, but are super-appreciative of a helping hand. Woo her with kindness and acts of service.

Why else should one date a single mom?

The post 15 Reasons to Date a Single Mom appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are 15 reasons to date a single dad:

1. The obvious: He likes kids. He’s good with them. There’s no guessing if he’ll be a good father; you KNOW that he is.

2. It’s easy to bless him: just lend a helping hand. (French-braiding a 6-year-old’s hair is tricky.)

3. He knows how to be patient, gentle and encouraging.

4. He’s emotionally mature. Nothing helps someone “grow up” faster than a dependent child.

5. He understands his role as a leader and role model.

6. Dads are protective and create safe environments for their loved ones.

7. You can observe how he loves and cares for others. (Which, by the way, is super-attractive.)

8. He can adapt. Even the most macho dads can be tenderhearted nurturers when the situation calls for it.

9. Single dads are handy. They can fix toys, tape hockey sticks and build a mean LEGO tower.

10. He’s looking for a good woman, not just a hot one. He values character and commitment over shallower qualities.

11. He’s unselfish, having learned to put his youngsters first.

12. Single dads are playful and have a great sense of humor. (They also know really cheesy family-friendly jokes.)

13. He takes the high road. Because of his kids, he still treats his ex and her family with respect.

14. He doesn’t just introduce anyone to his kids. If you make the cut, he’s serious about the relationship.

15. If he doesn’t have full custody, he likely has every other weekend free. Plan accordingly.

Do you know any amazing, handsome single dads? Please enter them in iVillage’s Hot Dads Photo Contest!

Why else should one date a single dad?

The post 15 Reasons to Date a Single Dad appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Successful relationships are those in which people truly listen. The best guidelines for how to listen come from an unlikely source, the “Instructions to the jury” read by judges. The judge instructs jurors to “keep an open mind,” “not form or express an opinion about this case while the trial is going on” and “not decide on a verdict until after you have heard all the evidence and have discussed it thoroughly with your fellow jurors…”

These words also describe what it takes to be a good listener. Good listening has the power of forging bonds between strangers, saving a struggling child, transforming a company, revitalizing stagnant relationships, saving a friendship and even preventing a suicide. Learning to really “be with” another person by listening to them as if our lives depended on it, can and has positively changed the course of a life, family, community and a nation.

What does it take to be an exceptional listener? Here are a few keys:

1. Provide A Safe Environment: At the core of good listening is safety. Good listeners allow others a kind of safe haven — a place where they aren’t judged, but where their thoughts and feelings are welcomed, respected, explored, and understood. People feel safe being who they are and saying what they really feel. Feeling understood allows them to trust you genuinely care.

2. Release All Judgment: Suspending one’s judgment and truly listening to the merits of what somebody is saying in an unbiased way is a profound and powerful way of putting one’s own emotions and reactions on hold and tuning in to the substance of any given conversation. Right now, if I’m listening to you, it’s about you. It’s not about what I feel, what I may think, or whether I agree. It’s not about my personal reaction. All of that can come later — after I have a true understanding of your position. And, if I’ve done a good job demonstrating I care about you by listening well, then you’re more likely to want to listen to me in return.

3. Use Prefacing to Set the Tone and Intention: At the beginning of a conversation, I suggest both parties make a statement of good intention. “What I want from bringing this issue up is …” That conveys good faith. I call this technique “prefacing.” Prefacing means, quite literally, setting a clear and positive tone for the conversation that’s about to take place. In a corporate environment, you might say, “The reason I wanted to talk with you is to __________. I’d like to talk for a few minutes. Then, I’d love to hear your thoughts and brainstorm about how to move forward. I’m hoping we can come out of this with __________ [the desired outcome].”

4. Show Empathy and Compassion: True listening doesn’t mean, “All right, yeah, okay, got it, thanks” or “Yes, but …” These phrases smack of impatience. I’m talking about listening that’s real and authentic. Selfless. Uncontaminated. Patient. Compassionate. Free of projection or unsolicited advice. Empathy and compassion are also reflected in affirming, patient and relaxed body language.

5. Calm Your Thoughts and Impulses: The temptation to speak out, venture an opinion, give unsolicited advice and/or find a solution to the other person’s “problem” can be great. Some of us have great difficulty containing our impulse to say something when the best, most loving and effective thing we can do is simply listen, draw the other person out with open-ended questions, help them explore their options and arrive at sound decisions. If you need to bite your tongue to restrain yourself, that’s OK. The best parents and spouses and executives in the world have scar tissue on their tongues. Take a deep breath and relax. Trust the process!

6. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Becoming a more effective listener requires tuning in and mastering the art of asking open-ended or clarifying questions – talking less and listening more. Here are some sample questions that you could agree to start asking more frequently. 

“I am not sure what you mean? Please explain.”

“What was it like for you when that happened?” 

“What do you think your next step should be?” 

“What are your options?”

“Can you tell me more?”

“When you say [insert what the person has said], what I’m hearing is that [insert your interpretation of what was said]. Is that correct?”

Good listening means being in service to the other person. Showing up. Tuning in. Focusing on them. Our minds are still and calm. We are present. This is not about our thoughts, feelings, needs and/or agenda. We’re are not trying to fix or figure them out, trying to take away their pain or “heal” them. We are there as a caring witness and support, showing empathy and compassion. Listening.  Attentive.  Whether it’s between a parent and child, husband and wife, lovers, friends, family members, business associates, executive management teammates or nations, the willingness to listen and have a real conversation can make all the difference.

Ken Druck, Ph.D., a renowned communications and resilience expert, is the author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House, May 2013). Visit www.KenDruck.com for a free self-assessment tool, The Listening Report Card, or pick up a copy of The Real Rules of Life for further examples of how good listening can transform your life.

The post Dr. Ken Druck: Six Ways to Become an Exceptional Listener appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

While co-habitation can be convenient and easier on your wallet, it isn’t always a step toward happily-ever-after. Here are the most common reasons couples decide to shack up, and why some relationship experts warn against it.

Reason #1: You aren’t engaged…but are hoping it’s a step toward a proposal.

Deciding to move in together is a good idea only if you’ve had honest, open conversations about getting married to each other, says relationship expert April Beyer. “I’ve seen plenty of men say yes to a future when they felt backed against the wall, only to back out at a later date. If you have a reluctant fiancé, you’ve also got a reluctant husband!” Beyer says.

According to dating coach Samantha Karlin, “living with someone without a firm eye towards marriage means that anyone can get up and leave at any time, which breeds mutual disrespect, as opposed to mutual respect.” Karlin adds that she has “known a lot of women who move in with their boyfriends with the assumption that a proposal is one step away — but then two, three, four years later, the proposal still hasn’t come. I think that’s because some people move in together not because they genuinely want to see this person every morning upon waking, but because it’s convenient.”

Reason #2: You want to see if you’re compatible as roommates.

A roommate and a romantic partner are not the same thing, yet many couples think that living together will give them the chance to see how their relationship works with the live-in dynamic. “Living with someone as a roommate is different than cohabitating as partners,” says relationship therapist Kimberly Seltzer. “As roommates, there is always an underlying notion that you can ‘get out’ if things don’t work.” However, Beyer says if you and your partner are eyeing the same goals with the same timelines, then she believes living together “could save you from marrying the wrong man.”

Reason #3: You want to save money on rent.

Moving in together can solve a lot of logistical problems, as well as cut your living costs. You don’t have to worry about whether or not your favorite dress is at his place or yours, and it’s easy to split bills and other household expenses. But experts warn that moving in for the sake of convenience could hurt your relationship in the long run. “Never move in together simply because it makes sense to lower rent and save money,” advises Beyer. “It makes it more difficult to break up later if you also have to leave your roommate and figure out a way to afford a new place.”

Reason #4: You’re “practically living together anyway.”

There’s a difference between spending all your time at one another’s apartments and officially residing under one roof. “The fact that it is a ‘practically temporary’ situation still has the connotation that you can get out if it doesn’t work,” Seltzer cautions. “If the going gets tough, the tough might get going and the couple splits instead of working on issues together,” she adds.

Not all experts warn against shacking up before settling down. Some say the experience is necessary to allow a couple to grow and sort out their differences before making a life-long commitment to each other. “It’s important to be roommates and see how that impacts your relationship,” says relationship expert Rachel Sussman. Sussman, who is also the author of “The Breakup Bible,” advises that it’s good for couples to learn how to handle arguments over things like finances and cleanliness around the house before getting married. Relationship coach Allison Pescosolido agrees that couples should live together ahead of marriage because it gives them the chance to “ease into the greater commitment of marriage without the prospect of divorce.” However, Pescosolido, who is the founder of Divorce Detox, does not advise that couples make the jump to cohabitating too quickly, saying that “it’s important that a relationship naturally progress.”

What has your experience been like in this area? Would you live with someone before marriage?

More from Fox News Magazine:

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 Kelly Osbourne’s Secret to Staying Slim

Top Ten Qualities Men Are Secretly Looking for in a Woman

The post Reasons Couples Move in Together Before Marriage…and Why They Shouldn’t appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

We realize some may consider that approach to be hopelessly outdated. If TV shows and movies are any guide, fulfilling first-date sex is routine these days — a long way from the bygone standards of proper etiquette. But if you are serious about building a lasting relationship, on a solid footing of mutual respect, then the first move is clear: Go slow.

To understand the reasons why, it is necessary to see the differences between physical “touch” and “affection.” These words are by no means synonymous and convey very different messages between two people who have only just met each another.

Here are a few examples of incidental touching that can actually deepen a first-date experience and contribute to your goal of getting to know important things about each other:

• A man reaches for his date’s hand to help her from the car.
• His fingers brush her shoulders when he takes her coat in the restaurant.
• She lightly and briefly touches his forearm across the table to emphasize the point she’s making in conversation.
• Their elbows touch on the movie theater armrest between them.
• He places his hand on her back to steady her as she walks on high heels up a flight of steps.

Touch is inevitable, and even desirable, between people who have chosen to spend time together in close enough contact to explore their romantic compatibility. When it happens lightly and spontaneously, as described above, it can provide valuable evidence of healthy respect and a commitment to honor one another’s personal boundaries and dignity — while still acknowledging the possibility of mutual attraction and future closeness.

However, the type of contact we would term “affection” is the physical expression of inner feelings of intimacy — emotions that cannot genuinely exist between strangers. That’s because it requires a foundation of familiarity, compatibility, and vulnerability that always take time to develop. The first several dates are meant to lay that groundwork and allow ample time for those feelings to surface naturally — or not.

Without that, intimate physical contact that might be welcomed in a few weeks or month’s time can be uncomfortable or downright threatening on a first date. It certainly runs the risk of sending the wrong signal and destroying any chance of landing a second date.

Here are three possible causes of premature affection:

1. Sexual overeagerness. It does not take a genius to know the biggest question on a woman’s mind when out on a first date: Is he truly interested in me, or only in getting me in bed as quickly as possible? A man who can’t keep his hands to himself removes all doubt.

2. Hasty desperation. Excessive physical contact on a first date may signal a desire to rush through the “formalities” of getting to know each another and fast forward to the benefits of a settled relationship. Generally this is a symptom of dating fatigue and loneliness — an understandable state recognizable to anyone who has been single for some time. But these people mistakenly put the cart before the horse and hope that displaying outward affection will be the same as having the emotional intimacy to support it, without the usual work and waiting.

3. Possessiveness. One of the quickest ways to chase away a prospective partner is to smother them with premature expectations. Public affection creates the illusion of much greater intimacy and deeper involvement than ever exist on a first date — and can foreshadow potential problems around issues of personal space and autonomy later on.

Here’s the bottom line: Gentle touch on a first date indicates your care, interest and respect in the other person. There is plenty of time for physical affection as you get to know one another on a deeper level.

The post First Date Affection: How Much is Too Much? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

If a guy prefers country music and his girlfriend likes classical, that’s a difference that may cause irritation but can probably be negotiated. If a woman’s top choice for vacation is skiing and her man hates the cold, there’s a good chance these two can figure a way to please both of them. But there are more significant differences that will spell big trouble over the long haul, and these are usually the kind that relate to innate qualities or ingrained habits.

In the early phases of a relationship, when idealism and romanticism can cloud clear thinking, it’s easy to dismiss differences as insignificant when in fact they’re very significant. Here are six differences you should take seriously:

1. Ambition. Some people are content to take life as it comes, never worrying much about career advancement, monetary gain, or achieving big goals. Other people are just the opposite — they are highly motivated to do more, be more, have more. Are you content to put in your forty-hour workweek, come home and relax in the front of the TV? If so, you need a partner who is similar. But if you are a go-getter who is motivated by goals and lofty dreams for the future, you need to find someone who shares your level of ambition.

2. Core Values. This refers to an individual’s most dearly held beliefs and motivations about the essential aspects of life. A couple’s values about social issues, politics, and the environment are highly important. They should also be in agreement about financial issues — saving, spending, and giving. Perhaps most the significant core values relate to marriage and family: how to raise children, roles and expectations for spouses, what traditions to follow, and what religious beliefs to emphasize.

3. Intelligence. This is a delicate subject because no one wants to be considered unintelligent. But the fact is, difference in levels of intellect between two people is sure to cause frustration and a sense of inequality. Research indicates that intellectual equivalence is crucial to a happy, healthy partnership. There is no evidence that two people do better in marriage if they are extremely bright, but these is evidence that they need to be at a similar intellect level, whatever that level may be.

4. Emotional Intelligence. This refers to the interpersonal skills that foster harmony and closeness in relationships. Qualities include empathy, cooperation, compassion, affirmation, appropriate humor, the ability to compromise, and a high degree of impulse control. For the past few decades, considerable research has been conducted on this topic, with many social scientists asserting that emotional intelligence is even more vital than intelligence in determining success or failure in most aspects of life. If two people have significantly different skill sets in relating emotionally, frustration is sure to follow.

5. Spiritual Beliefs. We are not referring to shared “religious affiliation,” though this is sometimes important, too. This refers to the deeper matter of spirituality, which has to do with the larger context within which people perceive their lives to be lived. If one person has a strong spiritual interest and the person is indifferent, trouble is sure to ensue. If you are deeply spiritual and your partner has almost no spiritual interest, the two of you are bound to encounter a barrier that separates you.

6. Grooming, Weight Management, and Other Personal Habits. The way a person cares for his/her teeth, waistline, hair, clothes, car, and living space are important while dating — and usually even more important when married. If you’re dating someone whose hygiene and habits irritate you, don’t expect to reform that person’s standards over time … because there’s a good chance you won’t.

When you find your relationship is moving from casual to serious, pay close attention to differences — and know which are trivial and which will be trouble. Based on your experience, you may have a critical difference to add to this list — if so, leave a comment and see if other readers agree!

The post Unsure if You’ve Met ‘The One?’ Six Key Things to Consider appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

He was the father to a beautiful young daughter, the son to a mother, the brother to a sister who would not give up on him and the best friend of a man who believed in him. He had just been in a terrible car accident that left him with a severe head injury. He wasn’t going to live and everyone knew it.

The next few days were a struggle for everyone. What happened? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Friends and family flocked to tell him how much they loved him, what he meant to them and to say their final goodbyes. If loved ones couldn’t make it to the hospital, we called them, using speakerphone so they could speak to him. Incoherent as he was, I’m not sure whether he could hear those words or not. I like to think that he did. These moments were both beautiful and extremely painful to witness.

Everyone was hoping for a miracle. It never came. He passed away on my birthday.

That week changed me. I made a promise to myself that I would make sure everyone in my life knew how I felt about them. They would know the impact they had on my life. They would know I loved them.

My reasoning was this: if I should pass away suddenly, those closest to me would know exactly how I felt. How deeply I cared for them. And on the flipside, if they should suddenly leave my life for whatever reason — whether death or a breakup — I would be left knowing I had said everything I could. I wouldn’t regret not saying everything I wanted to. It was a lesson I swore to take with me for the rest of my life.

For a long time, I did just that. I made phone calls, sent emails basically reciting the love letter I had written for each and every one of those people. I wasn’t going to forget. If my boyfriend and I had a fight, no matter how angry or upset I felt, I made sure to say “I love you” … just in case. He affectionately referred to it as “love overkill.”

Eventually that relationship ended and I began the next chapter in my life. I found a new place to live, added a great second job, new hobbies and passions, dated and suddenly I found myself “very busy.” Little by little, I noticed those “I love you” calls and emails going out less and less. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel those things, I just wasn’t letting anyone know I was telling myself things like, “I’m too busy … I’ll call them later.” Even writing those words seem cold to me. But I really believed them … in a way.

How many of us take for granted that tomorrow will come and that a particular person will always be in our lives? How many of us walk around punishing ourselves, asking, “What if I’d just said what I always wanted to say? Did he know how much I loved him? Why didn’t I tell her every day?”

What is stopping those of us who are not saying “I love you” from doing so? What’s in the way? What’s stopping us from saying things like, “I really appreciate that you’re in my life.” “You mean the world to me.” “When I’m with you, I’m always smiling.” “I love you.” I can honestly say I don’t have an answer for myself. This embarrasses me quite a bit.

I’m recommitting to that promise I made a few years ago. I will make those calls that I used to make. I will write those emails I used to send. I invite anyone who reads this to do the same. We don’t even have to say very much. Who doesn’t like to hear how much they’re loved and how special they are? Let’s bestow that gift upon those we love.

As I write this, I pick up the phone and dial my 95-year-old grandfather. He is very hard of hearing. I struggle through a conversation with him, practically shouting to get my point across, even if that point is just, “I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” The important thing is, the part I wanted him to hear, he did. It was simple. He heard, “I love you” and with that, I knew his day was made.

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The post What Tragedy Can Teach Us About Love appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

1. Avocados

Rich, creamy, and packed with good-for-you monounsaturated fats, avocados are the ultimate get-gorgeous food. Key for healthy hair, skin, and nails, monounsaturated fatty acids or “good fats” can aid in lowering LDL (bad) cholesterol levels, while improving HDL (good) cholesterol levels. Avocados also contain antioxidants, fiber, potassium, magnesium, and folate; and one avocado is packed with more potassium than a medium banana — almost 900 grams! Additionally, studies show that avocados are “nutrient boosters,” meaning they aid the body in absorption of nutrients from other foods.

2. Greek Yogurt

It’s one of those foods you eat and think, “There’s no way this is good for me.” It feels so naughty to consume, but really, yogurt is a mega get-gorgeous food! Greek yogurt is packed with calcium and protein to help maintain those beautiful teeth (everyone loves a gorgeous grin). Yogurt also contains natural live active cultures or “good” bacteria that aid in digestion, help boost immunity, and mitigate the effects of lactose intolerance, leading to a flat and “happy” belly!

3. Berries

Berries are loaded with anti-inflammatory agents and vitamins that help protect you from premature aging. The antioxidants in berries help minimize the damage of free radicals, which can accelerate wrinkle formation and cause disease. Additionally, berries are packed with vitamin C, which helps produce skin that’s firm and strong. Also known as ascorbic acid, vitamin C is a nutrient that’s essential to the production of collagen, a protein that aids in the growth of cells and blood vessels.

4. Flaxseed Meal

Flaxseeds provide a mega boost of omega-3 fatty acids, which are necessary for optimum brain function, a healthy heart, and radiant skin. Studies show both omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids in flaxseed help soothe skin conditions like acne or eczema. The anti-inflammatory properties of omega-3s can aid in lowering cholesterol and help maintain a healthy rate of skin cell renewal. Flaxseeds also contain fiber, which can reduce bloating and promote digestion. To ensure your body absorbs all these beauty-boosting benefits, consume flaxseed in ground or “meal” form.

5. Almond Butter

A great source of satisfying fiber and protein, almond nut butter can help keep your body lean and trim when incorporated into a healthy diet. This tasty spread is also packed with vitamin E, manganese, and selenium, which help keep your hair shiny. The vitamin E in almonds and almond butter can also help protect your skin from the sun’s damaging UV rays. Vitamin E and almond oil can also be used topically on the body as a beauty serum.

6. Seaweed

Also known as “wakame” or “hijiki salad,” sea vegetables have been consumed by my Japanese ancestors for thousands of years. My 62-year-old mother and 93-year-old grandmother are both slim and just radiant, and this superfood may be one reason why! Chock-full of iron and phytonutrients, seaweed can aid circulation and help you attain gorgeous, smooth legs and fabulous, supple skin! Nutrients in sea plants, such as iron, manganese, iodine, copper, zinc, omega-3 fatty acids, and selenium, can help boost reproductive health and are essential for gorgeous hair, skin, and nails. Pair seaweed salad with some sushi or miso and you’ve got a Kumai-approved meal to a gorgeous new you.

7. Sweet Potatoes

Sweet potatoes can help boost immunity and promote glowing, gorgeous skin. Full of beta-carotene, sweet potatoes can help maintain bright, healthy eyes and protect your beautiful skin from UV exposure. Sweet potatoes are bursting with Vitamins A, C, and E, which can help improve the look of your hair and skin. Enjoy these nutritious spuds steamed, baked, sautéed, or roasted into sweet potato fries (my favorite!). Serve with organic ketchup and you’ll be on your way to radiance.

8. Kale

It’s time to give your salad a makeover! Iceberg and romaine salads are so last season. Kale is the trendy green of choice and it’s also one of the most nutrient-dense superfoods in the produce section. Kale is packed with vitamins A, B6, C, and K, manganese, fiber, and omegas. One cup of kale provides about 10% of the RDA of omega-3 fatty acids, which help reduce inflammation in the body. With almost 200% of the RDA of vitamin A, one cup of kale is an effective antioxidant, boosts immunity, and maintains healthy bones and gorgeous teeth. Toss this healthy green into soups, bake it to make chips, or swap it in your salads.

9. Quinoa

This tiny grain-like seed is a nutritional powerhouse. Quinoa contains large amounts of protein and all essential amino acids. The best part about quinoa? You can eat it for breakfast (as a quinoa porridge with peaches and shaved coconut), lunch (with some mixed greens, shaved fennel, and a balsamic vinaigrette), or for dinner (in a quinoa lasagna) — just to name a few examples. The amino acids, vitamin B6, iron, and zinc in quinoa will help fire up immunity. Fiber will help keep you regular and moving.

10. Dark 70% Cacao Chocolate

I consider this the queen of get-gorgeous foods! Chocolate contains anti-aging antioxidants called flavonoids, which fight free radicals to protect your skin from UV damage and help prevent the appearance of wrinkles, fine lines, and skin discolorations. A 2006 study published in the Journal of Nutrition found that participants who consumed a chocolate beverage high in flavonols (think dark chocolate—the higher the cocoa content the higher the health benefits) experienced improved skin texture and hydration, less sensitivity to the sun, and had 25 percent less skin redness in response to UV light exposure. Chocolate also makes you feel happy — when you eat it, the brain releases endorphins, your body’s natural feel-good chemical, and phenylethylamine, which elicits that feeling of falling in love. And when you feel good, you look good!

More from Shape.com:

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The post Revealed: The Top Ten Beauty-Enhancing Foods appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are 15 reasons to date a pharmacist:

1. Pharmacists are trained to be very aware of your health needs – this makes them extremely good listeners.

2. Your date will have the ability to make decisions and offer advice on the spot.

3. Most pharmacists have strong people skills. They’re friendly, intuitive, gentle and reassuring.

4. The fun “drug dealer” jokes.

5. Pharmacists make great money – and have job security. We’ll always need people to dispense prescriptions and offer over-the-counter medical advice.

6. Pharmacists are in demand and can work almost anywhere. If your job transfers you across the country, your pharmacist partner will likely be able to transfer, too.

7. Pharmacists have great knowledge of human anatomy. Just sayin’.

8. That smart and sexy white lab coat.

9. Pharmacists are humble and wise enough to suggest seeking a doctor’s opinion when they don’t have the answers or diagnostic abilities.

10. Pharmacists play by the rules. People trust them to not take chances when it comes to potentially risky drug interactions.

11. They know exactly how to take care of your upset tummy or allergy attacks.

12. Sparks will fly. After all, pharmacists have a comprehensive knowledge of “chemistry.”

13. They have built up some great immune systems.

14. Obvious perk: free blood pressure checks!

15. Pharmacists make people feel better.

Tell us, why else should one date a pharmacist?

The post 15 Reasons to Date a Pharmacist appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

1. It probably started out innocently.

Chances are they didn’t set out to cheat. Maybe they were bored and lonely, or just vaguely unsatisfied. Perhaps they “reconnected” on Facebook, forged a friendship at work or started flirting with a friend. At some point, the line between right and wrong got blurry…but in hindsight, all of the signs were there.

2.They didn’t consider the ramifications until it was too late.

It felt good or right or just different enough, and at the time they felt powerless to resist. When hormones were raging and someone was telling them that they were beautiful and special and fabulous and really listening to them, thoughts of broken families and hearts were a million miles away. It wouldn’t be until they physically crossed that line that they realized everything they stood to lose.

3.They lived in constant fear.

What if their lover called? What if he didn’t? What if someone saw them together? Should they call him? Were they acting differently? Dressing differently? When they were not busy obsessing about these questions, these women were playing over all of the possible outcomes in their heads until they were spinning.

4. The guilt was all-consuming.

They are someone’s wife, possibly someone’s mother. They took vows and were building a life and a family. Now they were living a lie, day in and day out. They cried in the shower, in the car, in the bathroom at work. Sometimes they were not even sure how this all happened. They used to talk with friends about skanky cheaters, and they were so sure they’d get what was coming to them. Now the cheater was them, and the shame would never, ever go away.

5. They pulled away from their friends.

In the beginning, the totally exclusive, utterly secretive nature of the affair was one of its biggest appeals. It was the two of them against the world and they relished that bond. But eventually something happened and they wanted to talk to someone about it, and there was nowhere to turn. They realized that even telling a best friend would put her in a bad position, and could possibly put the affair at risk. So they stewed quietly and felt very much alone.

6. They discovered that no relationship was perfect.

Just when they least expected it, this perfect lover — the one they risked life and limb to be with at every secretive turn — would do something to irritate, disillusion or disappoint. The arms they sought solace in to escape a spouse’s apathy would turn indifferent; the one who drew them in with quiet confidence would turn needy. All relationships take sacrifice, work and compromise, they realized. This ah-ha moment was as profound as it was painful.

7. Guarding the computer and cell phone was a full-time job.

Even if they tried to keep communication to the bare minimum, they had to arrange risqué rendezvous. Which meant the computer and cell phone harbored all sorts of damning evidence. They suffered regular panic attacks wondering if they actually left the laptop open, and when they forgot the mobile phone – they had to run home to retrieve it immediately, every single time.

8. They appreciated things about their spouse they had never noticed before.

Blame it on intense guilt (or maybe they were suffering a bit of buyer’s remorse), but when their spouse would bring them coffee just the way they liked it, or remembered to send their stepmom a birthday card, their hearts would break just a tiny bit.

9. To conceal or confess? Both options suck.

At some point, a part of them — maybe a huge chunk from armpits to ankles – got tired of the lies and desperately wanted to come clean. And then they’d remember what was at stake and shuddered deeply. Fessing up would likely mean the end of their marriage. It would hurt and anger their partner and, if there were kids, upend their world if the marriage dissolved. They would be branded with the scarlet A, and life would never be the same again.

10. They have serious regrets.

Even if the affair was the catalyst that ended a disastrous, miserable marriage, there were things they wish they’d done differently. Hearts, promises and trust were broken, and if they knew then what they say they know now, they wish they could go back and rewrite at least a few pages of history.

 Have you ever been tempted to cheat? What advice would you have for those considering this poor choice?

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The post What They’d Wish They’d Known: The Fallout from Infidelity appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

1. Quoting your date will make you sound smarter: “My boyfriend is a lawyer and he says…”

2. Your mom and dad will be impressed. Plus: A lawyer in the family is always a good thing!

3. Most lawyers are fantastic dressers. (Yes, there’s more than one suit in his/her closet.)

4. Lawyers are financially secure.

5. Lawyers know how to present themselves well – and up the charm. Your date will likely make a great impression with your friends and colleagues.

6. Your date will stand up for you, even when you’re wrong.

7. Lawyers are often invited to interesting social events. Most of them include an open bar.

8. Lawyers are very experienced negotiators and excel at conflict resolution.

9. Like to debate? Your date is always up for that type of challenge.

10. Lawyers have good memories – or at least good note-taking skills.

11. Speaking of note-taking, there will be plenty of free legal pads lying around.

12. Your date will have interesting law-school stories (and lots of life experience). As a general rule, lawyers work hard and play hard.

13. Lawyers are eloquent, articulate and very insightful when it comes to reading another person’s character.

14. Eloquence is sexy. So are briefcases.

15. If you ever need your partner’s services, he/she will work especially hard for you.

Why else should one date a lawyer?

The post 15 Reasons to Date a Lawyer appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

That is when Showfety was inspired to head to the bookstore, where she bought a slew of dating self-help books, and each month, she used the advice from a different book in her search for love.

She turned her experience into a hilarious book of her own called Dating By the Books: One Blundering Singleton’s Search for Love in the Self-Help Aisle, and, happily, it turned out that writing the book was the lead up to meeting her husband, whom she met during the ninth month of the experiment.

“What people can get from my book is a relatable story — one that will let them see that it is possible to turn a bad dating life around,” says Showfety, who has been married for a year and is now a mom to newborn daughter Avery. “It was totally unpredictable for me that I would be dating a great guy and getting married two years after I wrote the book because the way my dating life was going was not that way.” If you are looking for a roadmap to help in your own quest to find love, read Showfety’s interview, which is full of advice on how to transform yourself from  “a dating disaster to a relationship master.”

eH: What was your dating life like before you bought the self-help books?

SS: It was really unfulfilling. I had a lot of short-term, what I call a lot of text relationships, where there would be a lot of texting. I was having a really hard time finding someone who wanted the same things that I wanted. So there was a lot of swinging and missing. I feel like I tried everything. I tried online dating, I tried speed dating, I tried blind dating, so I would say my dating life was very active, but pretty unfruitful.

eH: What inspired you to buy the books to use as a tool?

SS: There was this a-ha moment I had on my birthday. I was having a party in my apartment and most of the people there were married, having babies, and I realized at this party that it was my ninth consecutive birthday without a boyfriend. I had had boyfriends and had been dating people over the years but none had fallen on my birthday. None had lasted long enough to make my birthday. I was really quite alarmed by that statistic. So the next day I woke up alone, and I resolved something had to change. I didn’t know how, but I resolved, “I have had enough. This year is not going to be like last year. I really want to make a change in my dating life and get on the right track.”

eH: What kind of advice did you look for in the books?

SS: What I was looking for was a way to stop making the same mistakes I had been making, which was falling for people who did not have long-term intentions, or falling for someone who was really charismatic and handsome but also wanted to date around. So breaking some of my habits and patterns was the advice I was looking for. Also how to choose better, how to avoid some of the early dating pitfalls because early dating is such a delicate time frame, where you are trying to be open but not an open book. It’s a dance. You want to share yourself but not reveal too much, not say something that might inadvertently drive the other person away.

eH: How quickly did things change?

SS: I had some early success in the first month or two — what I thought was success — but what I learned is it was faux success. Even though I thought I was making progress, I was still doing the same things I had always done. It was like re-dating the same guy — he just looks different and sounds different. I would say it took awhile. When things really started to turn around was not until seven or eight months into the experiment.

eH: What was it that finally worked for you?

SS: What finally worked was not just taking the advice. Advice alone is not going to get anyone the guy. What I did was I paired the advice, the tips and the tricks with a foundational overhaul of my sense of self and what I deserved in a relationship. That was really the key. I had this month where I actually gave up the books. It was summertime. I realized that instead of being hell bent on trying to find a man on a timeline what I really needed to do was get back my sense of joy and create more happiness in my life with just who I was and where I was in my life, so I took a month — I called it “Take Back Sarah Month” — and what I did was all of these activities that I absolutely loved and I didn’t focus on dating. I still had some dates, but I was not maniacally pursuing dates. I got my sense of joy back.

Following my sense of intuition, I booked a trip at the last minute to hike the trail to Machu Picchu, because adventure travel is something I have always loved. Then, a week later, I ended up meeting a guy who had hiked Mount Kilimanjaro and he became my husband.

I don’t think it is a coincidence. I think me generating my own sense of well-being and joie de vivre and detaching from the outcome — don’t get me wrong. I still wanted to meet a guy. It is not as if I wasn’t trying, but I had to shift focus for a little while. Once I got more okay with my station in life, then I attracted what I really wanted.

eH: What are the biggest revelations you had after doing this self-exploration?

SS: It links back to what I just said. The biggest revelation was that no how-to kit on its own is going to change someone’s deeply engrained thoughts, habits and patterns. What I wanted was a quick fix. I say this in the book: I wanted to put on my love lab coat and get out my check list and be, “Okay, I exhibited open body language. Good for me.” And check off all these things but that stuff doesn’t work unless you do the inner work and become really present to your own patterns.

If you are not aware of how you yourself are contributing to these negative outcomes, you can’t shift the outcome. So the main thing was instead of blaming the scene, or my parents, or the past guys I dated, I really had to make a shift to personal responsibility: What have I done to actually cause or create these outcomes I don’t want? You have to take a look at some things that you may not want to take a look at or admit. But really where I think I made the most progress was getting really honest with myself, how I was sabotaging, some of the bad decisions I was making, and getting really responsible for them and changing them.

eH: What would you say to the woman who says, I am 50 years old and destined to be single forever…

SS: If that is what you think, you are probably right.

eH: One of the things I gather from what you have said so far, but you haven’t used the word, is you learned not to be desperate.

SS: I would say that. To that question you just asked, I don’t want it to sound harsh, but whatever you think you are going to have is what you are going to create. So the first step for someone who thinks they are going to be single forever is to do whatever it takes to get a more positive outlook. To actually get back in touch with possibility. Because if you believe there is no possibility, that is what you are going to continually create.

Another thing I learned is if you are really downtrodden about yourself, dating and men, take yourself out of the game for a little while. You are not going to be achieving much if you are going out into the dating pool down and out about your prospects and thinking that you have no chance. That is probably what you are going to confirm. So you need to take yourself out of the game and do whatever, like therapy, or coaching, or take a massive trip that is going to be rejuvenating, or take a class. Get back in touch with things you love. It all starts with you and what you believe you can have.

eH: How did you know your husband was The One?

SS: I knew he was really different from the start because he was really different from all the other guys in New York City. He called when he said he was going to call; he was always the last person to e-mail when we were e-mailing each other; for our first date, he made a reservation for dinner and, it might not sound like much, but for how the dating scene is in New York, that is pretty rare. I would say really rare. He geared toward the “old fashioned.” It is old fashioned now to go out to dinner. Because now in New York City, it is very common to text and text and text and maybe meet for drinks or meet up late, or be in the same volleyball league. There is all different ways it is happening now and he was really kind of traditional.

That is what I was looking for, so I was, “Hallelujah” when he established his reliability. Also, I knew there was a lot of potential because the conversations we were having early on were the conversations that are so absolutely imperative when you are looking to find a spouse — and he was the one initiating them. He brought up marriage and kids — if I wanted to get married and have kids — on our second or third date. To me, that indicates that a guy is serious.

I think that is important for people who are single to know. If you are looking to have fun, you don’t need to have these conversations so early, or at all. If you are looking for a lifetime partner, you need to be sure to have these conversations about marriage, family, and where you see yourself living pretty early on. I think a lot of people are afraid to have these conversations because they are afraid they will scare the other person away. Wouldn’t you rather know in the first four to six weeks of dating if there is any long-term potential? Wouldn’t you rather that than spend six months to a year with someone that you have no future with?

I think that is a big mistake that women make and I used to make — a lot of just going with the flow. I don’t advocate it. If you are looking for a long-term partner, it is not a good idea to just go with the flow. You need to be more willing to have bigger conversations sooner.

eH: So you think that is one of the biggest mistakes that women make. Anything else?

SS: I want to make a distinction: Women who are looking for a life-long partner are different from women who are casually dating. Both are fine, but I think a lot of women who are looking for a life-long partner are acting as if they are casually dating and that is a mistake. Myself included. I want to be sure to say that. It is not as if it is them and not me. I used to do it, too. What I learned is that just going with the flow, and seeing whatever happens and not finding out if the person is seeing anyone else, sleeping with anyone else, not interested in marriage, not interested in kids when that is what you want, that is a dating mistake right there.

eH: One of the things you said attracted you to your husband was his reliability. Are there other qualities one needs in a partner to make the relationship successful?

SS: Absolutely. I would say it depends on the person. What works for me is not going to work for other people, but what I would say is important is that, again, people looking for a serious partner need to know and get very clear on the things that are non-negotiable to them.

Another symptom or misstep that people make is: He or she is cute and smart and funny, so they think, “Great. Let’s see what happens.” That’s fine up to a point but, I think, you will have a better chance at success if you think long and hard about the values and personality traits and qualities that are non-negotiable to you in a partner, not just nice to have but the things that really mean a lot to you. Then come up with a list. There is a difference between coming up with a long laundry list and coming up with five to ten things that you must have in a partner, in terms of values and personality. A good place to look is: What does a person need to have financially, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, geographically. Get clear on what that is before you spend months and months dating someone who doesn’t have those things.

eH: Besides having a good time, what can women learn from reading your book?

SS: It is a relatable personal story that is also full of dating tips and tricks from many different experts. I like to say I have read them all, so you don’t have to. Instead of someone going to Barnes & Noble and spending hundreds of dollars on 20 different self-help, dating books, they can just read mine. They are going to get a lot of the top how-to dating Dos and Don’ts embedded in a funny, relatable story by someone who turned her dating life around. I hope it gives people a sense of hope for themselves. That no matter how discouraged they might be in dating, it is possible to do a 180 and create exactly what they want, if they are willing to do some work.

The post How to Go From ‘Dating Disaster’ to ‘Relationship Master’ appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

These single years can be an extraordinary time of growth, where you can come home to the center of yourself, connect more deeply with your own feelings, needs and desires, discover your own authentic voice, and reflect upon the impact your beliefs and assumptions have had on your past relationships. And do this in a way that supports you to evolve your consciousness to a healthier place from which to create your next relationship. In short, you actually have the time and the space right now to identify and release your internal barriers to loving partnership, and to prepare yourself to co-create a relationship that reflects the highest possibility you hold of deeply nourishing, inspired, happy, healthy love!

The kinds of shifts that are possible in these precious times of solitude will, however, require much of you. In order to dramatically transform your relationship patterns, you must be willing to see clearly how you yourself co-created the old ones, as well as take responsibility to begin showing up in completely new ways.

What do these ways look like? Like a mature adult, and not simply a child in a grown-up body who is holding others hostage to your old wounds from childhood. Or as a person who is willing to let go of your solo dance in service to becoming ready to be a part of a couple. And being willing to take full responsibility for those things within yourself that you’ve been blaming others for.

Becoming ready for authentic, happy, healthy love isn’t always easy. But it is always well worth the effort on the other side. While setting an intention to find love is a good thing, it is really just the beginning of the journey.

When you have the courage to say yes to the possibility of love, it will often mean facing things about yourself you’ve not been willing to really look at until now. Such as the part of you that may not actually want to be in a committed relationship. Or maybe the part of you that doesn’t actually want to risk being sexual again. Or the part of you that doesn’t want anyone else’s wants and needs to interfere with getting your own tended to.

Using your single time as a time to prepare for love, often means a radical departure from your old, automatic, and probably pretty comfortable ways of doing things! I’m talking about those patterns and habits that may identify who you think you are, such as “I am fiercely independent and never ask anyone for help,” or “I’m such a loving person that I always take care of other people before myself.” Everything you think about yourself is suddenly suspect. Is it really your nature to be that independent? Or is it a defense against being disappointed again like you were when you were a child? A creative and compensatory response to no one really ever being there for you in the way you needed when you were young? Is it really loving to self abandon constantly, and to source your value from pleasing other people? Or is it a destructive pattern that keeps you invisible and makes it nearly impossible for you to ever fully commit yourself to someone else because you don’t trust that your authentic self will ever be taken care of?

This time alone grants you the ability to consciously challenge these old ways of seeing yourself, and to begin identifying and practicing new ways of showing up in relationship to yourself and others that are most likely outside of who we’ve known yourself to be. So, I encourage you to use this time wisely. Moving into a place of stillness for a while and getting into a deeper relationship with yourself can be the most vital and wonderful preparation for receiving a beloved into your life. If more people took advantage of this time alone, there would be a lot more healthy and happy unions we could point to as role models for what we ourselves are committed to creating.

It all comes down to really doing the work to transform yourself from the inside out while you are still single. To recreate yourself anew, and to focus on becoming the best potential partner you have the capacity to be, so that when you do call in your wonderful, made-for-you soulmate, you’ll actually be worthy of their devotion and their love.

Katherine Woodward Thomas, MA, MFT is the national bestselling author of Calling in “The One.” She is a licensed psychotherapist and creator of the Calling in “The One” 7-week Interactive Online Course, which has supported many thousands of people around the globe in finding their soulmate. She is a creative and inspired transformative educator with over 20 years experience designing and facilitating leading-edge seminars that support the emergence of life-altering shifts in consciousness both in individuals and in groups.

The post Single and Looking? How to Get Ready for a Happy Relationship appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are 15 reasons to date an accountant:

1. Need to calculate a tip? Your date thinks numbers are fun.

2. Accountants are exceptional decision-makers.

3. They’re ethical. Accountants abide by strict accounting standards. If you like playing by the rules, an accountant might be your perfect match.

4. They’re also good at finding loopholes. Accountants know the rules so well, they can make them work for you.

5. Brains are beautiful.

6. Accountants are always learning and updating their knowledge base.

7. Accountants are not afraid of commitment. (They stuck with accounting, right?)

8. They’ve got moves like Jagger. Literally. Mick Jagger was once a student of accountancy. So was Janet Jackson.

9. They’ll take the fear out of money matters. Date an accountant, and there’s no need to fear being audited.

10. You’ll have tax-season help.

11. Accountants are both teachers and stress-relievers, helping other people make sense of confusing rules and terms.

12. If “financially responsible” is on your must-have list, look no further.

13. Got a secret? Accountants are trustworthy, reliable and can handle confidential information.

14. You’ll receive free financial advice from someone you know has your best interests at heart.

15. Accountants are up for a challenge.

This post was inspired by the humorous work of accounting student, Dave Howard, from his young professionals blog, Jump Factor.

Tell us, why else should one date an accountant?

The post 15 Reasons to Date an Accountant appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Why some people find love and others don’t has nothing to do with fate or worthiness but whether one has identified and cultivated the capacities that support happy, healthy, real love to flourish and thrive. The best place to begin creating a very different kind of relationship than any you’ve had in your past, is in your own relationship with yourself.

Any relationship you’ll ever have is only going to be as good as the relationship you have with yourself. And those places where you have problems relating to yourself will also be troublesome in creating a relationship with someone else. For instance, if you’re constantly making yourself wrong, you’ll find that eventually others will be more than happy for you to take the blame for everything going wrong between you. If you chronically berate yourself and speak in disrespectful ways to yourself and about yourself, you will exert an almost magnetic pull on even the most loving people around you to begin doing the same.

Some of these patterns might not show up immediately, but eventually they will. And when they do, you’ll be startled. You’ll wonder, how did I create another relationship with my critical father? How did I get into bed yet again with someone who is always making me wrong just like my mom? Yet, it’s not really your mother or your father. They may have treated you that way 20, 30, even 40 years ago, but actually it’s you who has been treating yourself the same way ever since.

Inside of not evolving that dynamic in your own relationship with yourself (which we will often not do when stuck in blaming our parents to the point where we are not taking responsibility for the choices we are making to perpetuate the same dynamic with ourselves), you will have a tendency to duplicate your old painful patterns in love again and again and again.

The way you can begin to make great progress in your relationship with yourself is to make a deep commitment to recognize and stand for your own value and worthiness to love and be loved.

Make a promise to yourself to do whatever it takes…to go the extra mile in your efforts to become the man or woman you’d need to be in order to prepare yourself to have authentic love in your life.

Your commitment to yourself needs to then begin showing up in your actions…

Are they reflective of your commitment to have a great love in your life?

Are you living in integrity with that vision?

Are you taking the risk to show up in ways that are generative of the life you’re committed to creating?

To support you in your budding commitment towards self-love, let me explain where most people tend to get stuck: It’s often in learning how to connect with and honor our own feelings and needs. Most of us were not taught how to check in with ourselves so we could learn to be aware and respectful of our own needs and desires. Some of us were even trained out of having our feelings and asserting our needs in ways that would have created healthy dynamics of mutuality, depth, understanding and authentic care. Yet these skills of self-awareness and self-care are foundational to being able to set clear, healthy boundaries that allow a relationship to flourish.

I’m not talking about walls here. Walls don’t let anybody else in. Boundaries, however, are fluid and allow us to be clear with others about what we can do, and what we can’t do, what we want and what we don’t want. They allow us to say no when something doesn’t feel aligned with our own well-being or integrity, and to say yes to those things that do. And, contrary to our fear that if we don’t give someone else everything they want from us, they might leave, boundaries actually serve to make our container of love stronger.

For good boundaries, the ability to recognize yourself as a separate autonomous individual who is holding ultimate responsibility for your own happiness in life, is necessary in order to create a healthy, happy relationship with another human being.

A wonderful way to begin practicing honoring your own feelings and needs and setting good, healthy boundaries is to ask yourself in any given moment, “Where is my attention?” Most of us have our first attention on others and are more aware of the feelings and needs of others than we are of our own feelings and needs. This is the core of co-dependence and will create toxicity in relationships over time. For example, have you ever felt yourself merge so much with another that you became unable to differentiate their emotions and needs from your own? Have you ever believed that things would get better and that the relationship would succeed if you could just give more and step so fully into the other person’s shoes that you could entirely understand them? Have you ever found yourself disappearing your own feelings and needs in order to care for the feelings and needs of someone else? Many of us have. And it’s a misunderstanding of what mature love really is.

And so, in taking a stand to create happy, healthy love, you want to identify the growth and development you must begin to engage now in preparation for having this love. This particular practice is learning how to keep your first attention on yourself while also being sensitive and available to care for the feelings and needs of others.

For many of us, this is a real evolutionary edge, for we have only before known either self-abandonment or self-absorption! But true love will require more of us. And our task in making a commitment to call in great love is to become a great lover. A lover of maturity and depth who has cultivated the capacity to show up as a grown-up in order to co-create a grown-up love. Commit to your own evolution in love…and your beloved cannot help but follow.

With love,

Katherine

Katherine Woodward Thomas, MA, MFT is the national bestselling author of Calling in “The One.” She is a licensed psychotherapist and creator of the Calling in “The One” 7-week Interactive Online Course, which has supported many thousands of people around the globe in finding their soulmate. She is a creative and inspired transformative educator with over 20 years experience designing and facilitating leading-edge seminars that support the emergence of life-altering shifts in consciousness both in individuals and in groups.

The post How to Stop Repeating Past Mistakes in Love appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are 15 reasons to date a dentist:

1. Sweet kisses. Expect impeccable dental hygiene and fresh breath.

2. Dentists are smart. Smart is sexy.

3. Your parents will be impressed.

4. Not that money is everything…but most dentists make a great living.

5. Dentists work consistent, family-friendly hours. Unlike others in the medical field, most dentists have their evenings free.

6. Obvious perk: free checkups and immediate access to emergency dental work.

7. You’ll never be scared to visit the dentist again.

8. Because they often deal with anxiety-ridden patients, dentists are patient, reassuring and gentle.

9. Your significant other will look forward to date night. After a long day of talking to people with their mouths stuck wide open, chatting with someone who can move their jaw is a nice change of pace.

10. Dentistry is a noble profession: your date alleviates discomfort and make people’s lives better.

11. For the more ”adult-minded,” there are plenty of “drill” jokes to reference.

12. After spending the day in scrubs, your dentist date will “scrub up” well.

13. Not sure which toothpaste to buy? Your partner can help you make that decision, or even supply a free tube or two.

14. Dentists aren’t easily grossed out. After spending the day staring at infected gums and hygiene disasters, nothing you bring to the relationship health-wise will faze your date.

15. Dentists wash their hands – well. If you’re a germaphobe, a dentist is your dream date.

Tell us why else someone should date a dentist!

The post 15 Reasons to Date a Dentist appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

1. Put Each Other First (Yes, Before the Kids)

When it comes to building a healthy (and sexy!) marriage when you’re not only husband-and-wife but mom-and-dad, too — what should come first? Your spouse or your kids? Relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…is Men says it’s your hubby! “It’s not that the kids matter ‘less’,” Orlando says. “It’s that the marriage is the backbone of the house and everyone needs to see it and feel it.” Orlando’s suggestion: Make a beeline for your spouse the minute you walk in the door, and give him a big, fat kiss. It will make your partner feel special (and — bonus — your kids will feel secure).

2. Don’t Tell Dad How to Spend Time with the Kids

Moms and dads have very different roles in a child’s life. In most cases Mom is the nurturer, the vegetable-pusher, the kisser-of-skinned-knees. Dad is the fun one, the dude who lets them eat brownies for breakfast when you’re out of town (“It won’t kill them!”). Even though your methods are clearly superior (and safer), there’s no better way of saying “I trust and respect you” than biting your tongue and letting your hubby do it his way.

3. Just Say Yes

Research shows that the frequency with which you respond to requests in a positive manner is directly related to how happy and satisfying your relationships will be. Pay attention to how often you say things like, ‘Yes, that makes sense, tell me more,” or “You’re starting to convince me,” says Christine Carter PhD, sociologist, author and creator of the Raising Happiness online parenting classes. “Finding opportunities to say yes in a multitude of ways is a very controllable way to positively impact your marriage,” Carter adds.

4. Present a United Front

“Being your partner’s biggest fan is one of the key predictors of a great relationship,” Carter says. A fan doesn’t undermine your every decision or declaration, but backs it up with enthusiastic support. When your kids try to play the “But daddy said we could do it” card, resist the urge to fire back with “Well mommy says you can’t.” (This will admittedly require an excess of restraint.) A consistent show of solidarity also lets your kids know that together, mom and dad are a force to be reckoned with.

5. Exercise!

Being active keeps you healthy and models positive behavior for your kids. Plus “working out produces endorphins that make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands,” says one practical married mom we know. Even if you don’t have time for daily doubles matches or trots on the treadmill (and um, who does?), a family bike ride or after-dinner stroll will give all of you a bonding, feel-good boost.

6. Make Sex a Priority (Again)

“Sex makes babies, so it’s ironic that children often threaten the very romance that brought that child into being,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic. It’s never hard to find a reason not to do it, but sex really is the glue that holds a marriage together. So lock the bedroom door and get busy.

7. Choose Your Battles

If you go ballistic when he packs the wrong sandwich for your son’s lunch or misses the deadline to sign your daughter up for soccer, what’s left in your arsenal when he really screws up? Similarly, if you’re ready to take it to the mat over which children’s toothpaste is indeed best, you won’t have the energy to fight the bigger battles to come (think cell phones, homework, dating and curfews, to name but a few). Another argument for zipping your lip: If you’re always hovering nearby ready to ream your husband for every little blunder, he may stop making an effort altogether, says Mama Bird Diaries blogger Kelcey Kintner. Ask yourself “Will this matter in five minutes/weeks/years?” If the answer is “not really,” take a deep breath and let it go.

8. Accept That Not All Problems Are Solvable

A lot of your fights are probably based on fundamental personality differences when it comes to parenting (he’s a free-range dad, you’re a helicopter mom) and will likely come up again and again in different contexts. Consciously recognizing this leads to what Carter calls an upward spiral: When you accept that there are certain things about your partner that will never change, there’s no need to try to convince him that you’re right (and that subsequently, he’s wrong), she explains. Instead, you can focus on the commonalities — like the fact that you both care deeply and passionately about your kids. “Even if you’re at polar-opposite sides of an issue, that shared interest makes it not a deal-breaker for the marriage,” Carter adds.

9. Remember, You Were “Man and Wife” Before “Mom and Dad”

Before you have kids, having fun is pretty much your job as a couple. After the stork makes a visit, co-parenting becomes your single, most important collaboration. (Did you schedule her dentist appointment? Should he see a speech therapist? Don’t forget her recital is on Saturday!) That’s natural — but it also means you have to work a little harder to maintain your connection as a couple. “Research shows that having an activity that you can do together predicts intimacy in a relationship,” Carter says. Take up tennis, go bowling, have a picnic, go for a hike, put down
your damned iPhone/Blackberry/Droid and just have an actual conversation. Someday the kids will be grown and gone, and you’ll be glad you’re married to a guy you know how to have fun with.

Continue reading for more secrets to a happy marriage…with children!

More at iVillage:

15 things no one told you about sex after baby

6 things men enjoy that might surprise you

The post Nine Secrets to a Happy Marriage — with Children! appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

But the time inevitably comes for prospective partners to go deeper than outward impressions allow — to truly see and be seen. This is when you begin to evaluate your compatibility based on more than meets the eye in casual contact. This is when you open a door — literally — and give your date access to the one place you don’t bother to be anything other than what you are. You take them to your HOME.

The fact is, your house or apartment is a veritable Rosetta Stone of insight into deciphering the puzzle of who you really are. Your stuff (or lack thereof) and how you maintain it (or don’t) speaks volumes, whether you want it to or not. This obviously offers your date a chance to assess whether your respective values, habits, goals, and standards share enough common ground to build a relationship on. But it is also an excellent opportunity for you to run a self-diagnostic test.

Try to see your living space with fresh eyes and ask yourself: Do I like what I see? If the answer is no, then the reasons for that constitute a road map for self-improvement — a process that will not only better your chances for lasting romance, but increase your enjoyment of everyday life as well.

Here are four key areas to examine for clues:

Tidiness. Deepak Chopra wrote a story in which the wizard Merlin said to young Arthur: “I once walked around like you, and when I looked at a person, all I saw was a form of flesh and bones. But after a while I noticed that a person lives in a house that extends that body — unhappy people with messy emotions live in messy houses; happy, contented people live in orderly houses. When I see a house, I am actually seeing more of that person.”

Naturally, such generalizations have exceptions; but as a loose guideline this is true. The state of your house is a measurement of important personal qualities: discipline, self-esteem, emotional stability, standards of hygiene, and so on. Are you a pack rat, unable to part with cherished stuff even when it crowds your space? Your date will know at a glance.

At the other end of the spectrum, are you a “neat freak” without a single object out of place? Recognizing that about you will help someone answer the question: Are we compatible or not?

Furnishings. The style and quality of your possessions offer a window into your material values and what you invest in. Some homes are filled with expensive and trendy furniture, knick-knacks, and artwork — a sure sign that the person who lives there places a premium on quality and isn’t afraid to spend money on nice things. Another place will feature reclaimed objects and thrift store treasures with plenty of personality, but which cost very little. That person appreciates value, and uses his or her money for other pursuits.

No set of preferences is right or wrong per se. If your dates don’t approve of your style, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you — only that they feel they may be wrong for you.

Food. The contents of your kitchen are a remarkably revealing window into your lifestyle and personal habits. If your refrigerator holds three sodas and a bottle of ketchup, your date will draw one of two conclusions: you always eat poorly, or you always eat out — or both.

This offers insight into your attitude toward your health, or money spent on restaurant food, or whether you enjoy staying home some evenings instead of being constantly on the go. It may be that these are traits you have in common. If not, it is a legitimate cause for reflection before moving on in the relationship.

Home entertainment. If you spend any time there at all, your house or apartment will contain the books, movies, magazines, and games you enjoy. Do you like horror? Romance? Roman history? Opera? Comic books? The evidence is there. If you are into sports, your skis will be standing in the corner, or your baseball bat and glove will lie by the door. Are you an artist? Your paints or pencils will give you away.

Here’s the bottom line: Your living space is an extension of your SELF. Your partner will learn more about you in an evening in your home than on a dozen dates. Use that knowledge to be sure that the person you are is who you’d most like to be.

Do you clean up before a new love interest pays you a visit…or do you leave things as is? Have you ever broken it off with someone because their house was a disaster?

The post Messy House, Messy Emotions? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only charged up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning.

Where did their therapy go wrong? Too many struggling couples never seek therapy. But of the many that do, marital counseling falls short. It’s easy to say that it’s the couple’s fault; they weren’t committed enough, didn’t give it enough time or one spouse never had their heart in it in the first place. Any one of these reasons for therapy failure could be spot on but it doesn’t explain the whole story.

Marriage therapy fails for some clear significant reasons:

1. The Therapist Has Little Direction

This is the worst problem of all. Many therapists are good listeners, a crucial skill. But marital therapy needs a measure of leadership, and skilled listening has to be quickly and effectively turned into a deeper understanding of each spouse. Spouses in crisis are looking for direction, concrete steps to help them mend their problems. Through listening, the counselor needs to quickly assess what has gone wrong, explain this theory to the couple and chart a course for change. This course doesn’t have to be completely figured out but must include an action plan and a time frame to accomplish these goals.

In Stacy and George’s case, they had to be shown that the problem wasn’t his “ex” but rather, the lack of love Stacy was feeling from George that was causing her to feel particularly threatened by energy spent on his ex. George had to recognize what he needed to change in order to help Stacy feel more part of a team instead of George giving her the feeling of isolation when dealing with his ex. Stacy needed to recognize that her intensity over this issue and poor communication made George feel attacked, causing him to get defensive instead of understanding. These are serious issues that they needed to start discussing and learning specific tools to combat. It would have lead them to have greater insight to many other of their issues as well.

2. Spouses Aren’t Asked to Confront Themselves  

It’s helpful and often crucial for each spouse to understand their own relationship to love and marriage. The messages their parents imbued in them through their own model has everything to do with the couple’s expectations and actions in the marriage. There are therapists who believe one should not look to the past to explain or help change the present, but I find it necessary for each spouse to own their perspectives so that each one can reexamine them and choose to change them. We often act illogically and hurt our spouse and marriage when in truth, all we want is happiness and love. Therapy is the place to start understanding the deeper reasons as to why we might choose to behave in ways that don’t bring us all that warm love and fuzzies we say we want.

3. There Isn’t Enough Time

I’m often given a preamble of years of marital discord with immense crisis and I’m supposed to follow up with, “Let’s spend 50-60 minutes and get to the heart of this.” The weekly therapeutic hour (this commonly translates to a mere 50 minutes) just isn’t nearly enough time to even begin to really solve and heal intense marital strife. Couples come to marriage therapists as the “expert.” It’s the therapist’s job to assess how much time is necessary to accomplish the goals of therapy.

Too many therapists are skittish about sounding too pushy, too self-serving, too hungry for client hours, when in truth it’s their job to give it to the couple straight and tell them what is the ideal course. If the couple chooses not to follow that course, the therapist can either decline to help them or agree to try it in the manner that the couple wishes. However, a therapist should not agree to anything that he/she feels doesn’t give the proper time needed to help significantly. My job is to turn this couple’s marriage around with changes that will last. I need to help them understand what I need as far as time and their concentrated energy for me to do that job. I’m always happy to hear their thoughts and change my plan based on their circumstances. But I will commonly decline working with a couple if I feel I’m just not given the opportunity to give them the help they’ve come to me to receive.

4. Therapy is Costly  

It’s a simple fact that therapy costs add up quickly. If the therapy is the tool that saves a marriage and creates a healthier future, any amount of money is worth it. But unfortunately, therapy costs can become an additional stress to an already difficult situation. This is another reason the therapist should be up front about the projected amount of meetings and length of therapy. The couple needs to know the plan and be prepared for the costs involved.

Stacy and George needed a course of action that gave them the confidence that they were headed in the right direction. Recently, I developed the Neuman Method: Creating Your Best Marriage, an 11 DVD program complete with a 280-page workbook because I felt so many couples who truly wanted help weren’t offered effective plans for an affordable cost.

FYI: if your marital therapist isn’t asking a lot of you as far as energy and focus, your therapist isn’t working hard enough either. When considering therapy, remember to ask yourself:

- Is my therapist offering enough clear direction? If you are in the midst of marital crisis, get the right help that gives you the concrete plan you need and deserve.

- Are each of us being asked to confront ourselves and understand some deeper personal issues?

- Are we giving ourselves enough time and energy to make a critical difference?

- What is this going to approximately cost and am I prepared to go the distance with this therapeutic plan?

If your marriage has spun out of control — getting it back will likely start with taking some control over your marital therapy first.

M. Gary Neuman is a New York Times best-selling author, rabbi, and creator of Neuman Method Programs.  Tweet Gary questions at twitter.com/mgaryneuman and follow Gary on Facebook.

More at Fox News Magazine:

Do 50% of Marriages Really End in Divorce?

Secrets of Those Who Lived Past 100

Is Heaven Real? A Neurosurgeon Shares His Story About the Afterlife

The post Four Main Reasons Couple’s Therapy Fails appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Even if you’re highly compatible with someone on paper, actually uncovering that deeper connection depends on your ability to communicate it. The biggest myth about communication is that, if you’re talking, you’re automatically communicating, but there’s actually a bit more to it than that. Effective communication requires regular practice and a conscious effort to be a good speaker and a good listener. This also includes a better awareness of our own communication mistakes that may prevent a potential partner from feeling that spark.

Is your communication getting in the way of a second date? Here are five common communication pitfalls to avoid:

1. Planning Ahead

What it is: Thinking about what you’re going to say in response to what your date is saying while your date is still talking.

Why it’s bad: While we may want our response to be well crafted, if your brain is busy thinking of what you’re going to say next, it isn’t able to listen to what your date is saying right now. You may be hearing him, but you’re not able to listen to understand him and his point of view when you are preoccupied with your own.

How to fix it: Listen to what your date is saying as if you had to repeat it all back to him, word for word. This allows you to really hear and understand him by shutting up the background noise of your own opinions, judgments or rebuttals that may get in the way.

2. Interrupting

What it is: Jumping in with your response while your date is still talking

Why it’s bad: Even if you’re in complete agreement, interrupting does more harm than good. It tells your date that you think whatever you have to say is more important than what he is saying, or that you don’t respect his opinion enough to hear him out.

How to fix it: Bite your tongue. If you enthusiastically agree, show it with your body language by smiling, leaning in, and nodding. If you don’t feel the same way, wait until your date is done talking, and then respond in a way that shows him that you appreciate his opinion but happen to see it another way.

3. Steamrolling

What it is: Talking, at length, and then talking some more, without give your date a chance to say anything.

Why it’s bad: No matter how interesting or funny your story might be, not pausing to hear what your date has to say communicates that you aren’t particularly interested in her thoughts. And even if your date is trying to listen to understand you, the brain can only absorb so much, and at some point she will eventually just tune you out.

How to fix it: First dates are for getting to know each other equally, and thus the time spent talking should be split relatively evenly, too. If you do get into a lengthy story, take breaks to let your date ask questions (if she’s interested) or change the subject (if she’s not), and don’t take it too personally if she does. Monopolizing the evening with a story she’s not into is a lose-lose; you’ll feel slighted by her obvious disinterest and she’ll feel reluctant to ask you a question ever again.

4. Pontificating  

What it is: Making a declarative statement as if it is an unchallengeable fact when it is really based on subjective opinion or assumptions (“Of course this is how it is. What else could it be?”)

Why it’s bad: Asserting a strong opinion as “fact” without offering room for discussion or debate can seem abrasive, closed-minded, or downright offensive. And if your date doesn’t happen to agree with you, this can make him defensive and turn him off from wanting to discuss much of anything else with you.

How to fix it: Frame a strongly held belief or opinion as one of many possible positions on the issue, not the only right one, by shifting your language. Instead of asserting, “The east side of town is such a dump,” say, “I haven’t spent much time on the east side because it doesn’t seem like super safe neighborhood; have you found any hidden gems since you started working over there?”

5. Story Matching

What it is: Responding to all of your date’s stories with ones of your own. “I totally know what you mean. One time I…”

Why it’s bad: While it can be helpful once in awhile to help highlight some of your similarities, regularly “one-upping” her story-for-story can come off as more competitive than collaborative.

How to fix it: Your date isn’t sharing her story to serve as the opening act for yours, so save your similar tale for another time. Instead, following up with a question to clarify or get more info shows her that you were listening and are interested in her thoughts.

Sarah Schmermund specializes in marriage and family therapy, working with couples, individuals, and families via her private practice in Washington, D.C.

The post Five Communication Pitfalls That May Make Your First Date Your Last appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Here are the 10 biggest excuses to not try online dating — and our responses to them.

1. “I’d rather meet someone organically.” Wouldn’t everyone? Unfortunately, that’s not always reality. If you haven’t met someone organically, why not try a fresh approach in your search for love?

2. “There are too many scams out there.” Yes, there are scams. There are also legitimate dating sites with verifiable testimonials. Most of your friends are likely already dating online. When in doubt, ask for their recommendations. (Obvious suggestion: We like and trust eHarmony.)

3. “I don’t want anyone to know I met my significant other online.” The online-dating stigma is fast disappearing. Besides, isn’t it better to meet someone online, even if it hurts your pride a bit, than to never meet him/her at all? Do not let your ego get in the way of happiness.

4. “I don’t know which site to use.” If you’ve never dated online before, the options can be overwhelming. Ask your friends for recommendations and evaluate what you want your online-dating experience to look like. If you’re seeking someone from a specific faith background or you’re looking for a certain level of commitment, some sites will be better fits than others.

5. “I’ve never done it before.” Fear of the unknown should never be a reason to not do something. Before you decide online dating isn’t for you, give yourself a trial period on a dating site or two.

6. “I’m too busy.” That’s what online dating is for! Sites like eHarmony help you streamline the looking-for-love process by matching you with like-minded individuals in your area. Dating online can actually be quite time-efficient.

7. “Only socially awkward people use those sites.” Don’t preemptively judge online daters. If you’re considering using a site, it’s more than likely that an equally charming, intelligent, and hilarious singleton is doing the same.

8. “I’m too insecure.” Fear of rejection is a common excuse to avoid online dating. But if you can learn to get over the “nos” and get excited for the opportunities for more “yeses,” it becomes less about rejection and more about a new adventure in your life. If you meet someone and it doesn’t work out, that just means you are even closer to finding the right person for you.

9. “I don’t want to set up a public profile.” Then don’t. Free sites are more likely to use public profiles, so opt for a paid account on a site like eHarmony. Use privacy settings and some strategic web savvy – don’t use your full name or address-identifying photos on your profile – to ensure any personal information is safe.

10. “It won’t work.” You don’t know that. And for many, it does. Don’t let skepticism rob you of an opportunity to meet that special someone.

What has been your reason not to try online dating?

The post Challenging the Ten Biggest Excuses to Not Try Online Dating appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

In Kardashian’s case, it was pregnancy weight that was making her feel insecure, but it isn’t uncommon for women to pack on pounds when they enter into a relationship. In fact, a recent study concluded that couples living together were more likely to become obese.

But when is it acceptable for your partner to weigh in? And is brutal honesty helpful or hurtful?

“Nobody EVER loses weight because of being criticized by a loved one, in fact the opposite is true,” says Nina Atwood, therapist and author of “Soul Talk.” “Criticism diminishes self-esteem, and low self-esteem is related to increased weight problems. Brutal honesty is hurtful in this situation because it hurts the relationship by signaling lack of acceptance. When you love someone, you are supportive. Love is acceptance, so if the person you love accepts you, his only job is to continue loving you,” she adds.

“Many people think that being hurtful will motivate someone to do something faster,” says relationship expert Lindsay Kriger. “It’s possible that your partner wants you to lose weight, but isn’t sure how else to get you to do it. I have heard a wife call her husband a ‘fat pig’ before. Instead of being a motivating force, it causes people to shut down, do the opposite or develop resentment and anger towards the criticizer.”

There may be many reasons a man would address his partner’s weight gain, ranging from loss of attraction to being controlling, but it could be as simple as genuine concern. “Sometimes we need to get things off our chest and we don’t know how to express something that is bothering us,” explains Marina Pearson, founder of Divorce Shift and author of “Goodbye Mr. Ex.” “I believe we are always doing the best we can with the resources we have. Being hurt by another person’s opinion is something to look at. And something to remember is that we are only hurt by something we judge about ourselves.”

Of course, it can be difficult to discuss such issues without hurting feelings. “There has to be a way to talk about the situation without blaming or criticizing,” says Beverly Hills-based psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish. “It’s very important to acknowledge out loud that you’re feeling hurt. It’s also important to take an honest look at yourself and ask if there’s any way your partner can talk about this without you getting defensive. The person delivering the critique also needs to ask, ‘Why do I care so much?’ And the receiving person should hopefully be open enough to do self-exploration and understand why they’re overweight. Discussing the matter could actually make couples feel more bonded.”

On the other hand, Atwood says if your partner can’t be supportive, kick him to the curb. “If your partner tells you that you are fat, lose the partner first, then work on yourself,” says Atwood. “You should never put up with being criticized in a hurtful way. You may be allowing him to stay in your life because he reflects the bad feelings you have about yourself. To accomplish positive goals, you must first accept yourself, be honest with yourself in a caring way and then only allow supportive people close to you.”

Has anyone ever been able to tell you that you were overweight without it hurting your feelings?

More from Fox News Magazine:

Are Divorced Men Capable of Commitment?

The Ten Worst Husbands in Hollywood

Why Does Your Date Keep Cancelling Plans?

The post He Said I Was Fat…Now What? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

How do you cope when someone you care about ends your relationship and you’re not entirely sure why? Here are four things you really need to do (plus one thing you’re going to do regardless of what anyone tells you to do):

Obsess (within reason). Let’s face it. You’re going to do this no matter what, and that’s okay (to a certain point!). It’s natural to wrestle with events we don’t understand, and if your partner’s reasons for breaking up seem lame to you, you’re undoubtedly struggling to wrap your head around it all. Give yourself permission to run through the history of the relationship, to try and figure out where things went south. Talking with a trusted friend might even help shed some light. Desperately wanting to figure things out is inevitable. It’s also part of grieving, which you’re starting to do. But even though it’s normal to find yourself obsessing over the whats, hows and whys of it all, this is not a place you want to get stuck. In other words, it may be an important stop on your journey back to joy, but don’t unpack your bags and sign a long-term lease.

Connect with someone. This isn’t the time to withdraw from people who love you. You’re going to need friends with whom you can talk, cry, laugh and ultimately travel forward together out of this unhappy spot you’re in. Especially if you’ve been so caught up in your now-defunct relationship that you’ve missed spending time with good friends, this is the time to reconnect.

Write about it. In her book “The Chocolate Diaries,” Karen Linamen says, “When you and I are surprised by painful events, we can see these events as ‘senseless’ and ‘random.’ In the puzzle of life, they can feel like pieces that don’t fit. They’re floaters without a purpose. Twists of plot without a story. Our brains keep returning to the rogue puzzle pieces, trying to figure out where they belong in the big picture of our lives.” One solution: Journal about it. When we write about hurts that don’t make sense — especially as we explore connections between those hurts and other things in our lives (for example, our childhood, our health, other people we’ve dated, a particular season in life, or whatever), we often find ourselves less haunted by the randomness of it all. We’ve put the senseless hurt in some sort of context, which is a big step to healing.

Pursue an unrelated goal. Do something. Anything. Train for a marathon. Buy a bicycle. Learn to cook Asian cuisine. Sign up for scuba-diving lessons. Just take action and make sure your new endeavor is something unrelated to your past relationship. Pursuing a new experience, goal, or skill is not only distracting, but it’s also a good reminder that there is life beyond your breakup.

Finally, let go of the need to know. You’ve been mentally gnawing at those excuses they gave you, haven’t you? On some days you tell yourself there has to be a deeper, darker reason this person broke up with you, and if you could just figure out what it is, there’s a chance the two of you could solve it and live happily ever after. On other days, you wonder if their lame excuse is really as deep as it gets, and you hurt over the idea that you must not have meant much to each other if they could walk away over something that trivial.

Wasn’t your relationship worth fighting for? Weren’t you worth fighting for? You may never know the real reasons it did not work out. More importantly, one day you’ll realize that — whether your ex was hiding something from you, or whether they just fell out of love — it doesn’t really matter. Often times it is really more about where someone is in their lives, and just not being in a place to really accept love (for whatever reason), than anything you did or said.

Sometimes love ends, and whether it ends with a war cry or a whimper doesn’t change what you get to do next: Grieve. Laugh. Heal. Live. Let go and move forward, toward what you deserve … which is someone who sees you as beautiful, inside and out, and worth fighting for.

Has this happened to you? How did you deal with it?

The post Five Ways to Deal with the ‘Blindsided’ Breakup appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Should you give this person a second chance? Is it worth a second date? Those dates in the mediocre zone can be puzzling. How important are first impressions, anyway? Can someone give a poor first impression, and yet turn out to be the perfect person for you?

Here are some things to consider as you evaluate whether or not to follow up your vanilla latte with dinner:

Did you feel safe?

Let’s get this one dealt with right away. If at any point during your date, you felt intimated, put down or at risk, don’t even think about a second date. Trust your intuition when it comes to your safety. Other no brainers? Don’t go out a second time with someone who has an addiction, or anyone you catch in a lie. Similarly, someone who led you to believe they were divorced when, in fact, they are separated from a spouse is also a poor candidate for a second date.

What about bored?

Dating is supposed to be interesting. Entertaining, even. So finding yourself bored the first time you meet someone can definitely be a turn-off. What boredom isn’t, however, is proof-positive that your date is actually boring. A less-than-thrilling evening can be the result of lots of things. The same can be said for an evening in which things felt awkward or disconnected. Boredom, awkwardness and disconnection can be attributed to first-meeting-jitters, tiredness or even plain ol’ unfamiliarity. For that matter, feelings like those can stem from something going on entirely in your world or head-space and not reflect anything at all about the person you just met.

If the worst thing you can say about your time together is that it didn’t inspire feelings of interest, excitement or connection, you might be surprised to find yourself singing a different tune after getting to know each other better.

Did your interest-ometer budge at all during your time together?

On an interest level of 1 to 10, perhaps you walked away from the evening at a whopping 3. That’s not very impressive … unless you began your date at a 1 or 2. If you felt yourself warming even the teensiest bit toward your date after an hour or two, would the trend continue through a second, third or fourth date? It may well be worth the time to find out. After all, if your goal is to arrive at true love, you don’t need to get there an hour after you leave your garage. Enjoy the journey.

Check your list.

What’s on the short list of things you’re looking for in a partner? If there are, say, five things you’re really drawn to in a person, did your date impress you with one of them? Even if the other four items on your list seemed AWOL, even one “must-have” element could signal that a second date is in order. Remember, a second date is not a lifetime commitment. It’s not even a relationship yet. A second date simply means you’re still figuring out who this person is.

The other list to check is your deal-breakers. And if you haven’t thought about what items you would put on a list like that, you should. While there are good reasons to give yourself time — and that means more than a quick coffee date — to get to know someone, there’s no need to explore possibilities with someone you already know won’t be the right partner for you.

Chemistry is in the brain of someone in love.

It’s possible that you’re not sure about a second date because of a lack of chemistry. Without suggesting that chemistry is possible with just anyone, there’s no reason to limit second-date-candidates to people with whom you feel instant chemistry. For one thing, chemistry isn’t always immediate. It can develop over time, or even kick in unexpectedly as emotional intimacy is established. Plus, chemistry has its pros and cons. Once it kicks in (especially in the early stages) it can be all consuming, to the point of making“thinking clearly” more difficult.

And while everyone loves that “love at first sight” feeling, delayed chemistry isn’t a bad thing. It may allow you to take time getting to know someone, establishing a more solid foundation for true love — and, yes, chemistry — down the line.

The post Undecided After the First Date? Five Things to Consider appeared first on eHarmony Advice.