We all have insecurities. Our cultural obsession with flipping through magazines and looking at flawless celebrities with their seemingly perfect and glossy partners doesn’t help either. We may stand in front of the mirror poking our slightly bulging bellies, wishing our eye color was different, or willing ourselves to grow an extra inch or two. These insecurities may spill over into your larger worry of why you are still single.
However, whether or not your eyes are blue is not a reason for your singlehood-such things are beyond our control. Perhaps the real reason you are alone on a Saturday night is because you are in denial. We often think of denial as it pertains to larger issues such as alcohol abuse or mental illness. Yet denial can live in every aspect of our daily lives. Denial can even hold us back from achieving our goals, or even realizing that we have goals. You may be wondering, How would I recognize denial if I’m in denial about it? There are easy steps to help you realize what you are in denial about, which will lead you to open yourself up to love. If you don’t want to be single anymore, go back to that mirror and truly look at yourself. No, not to unfairly put yourself down about your hair or your skin, but to figure out what is holding you back on the inside. Facing your denial and fixing it is the first step to finding your own “perfect and glossy” love.
Why We Deny
There are many reasons why we can be in denial and keeping ourselves from finding a partner. Denial at its root may be a defense mechanism to spare ourselves what we don’t want to see or hear.
Some reasons for denial could be:
- You don’t want to do the work.
- You don’t want to feel rejected.
- You don’t know what the first step is.
- You don’t think your problem is a problem.
If you’re in denial for more than one reason, breaking you out of denial’s spell will take a little more effort. There may be one main reason why you deny, but your additional reason can make you more skeptical about your decision to break out of denial, giving you more justification for staying hidden behind your wall.
Behaviors We Are in Denial About
Now we need to skip the sugarcoating and get right to the issues that are holding us back from finding love. Look past the superficial and really think about the negative behaviors you have been unwilling to see because you don’t want to see them. It’s time to be honest. Make a list of the things you think are holding you back.
How does your denial create or manifest itself?
- Do I have bad manners?
- Do I lack the confidence to talk to someone?
- Am I rude and obnoxious?
- Do I shy away from social situations?
- Am I willing to try new ways to find people to date
Get a Second Opinion
It’s time to bring in the reinforcements. Talk to someone you trust and get honest feedback. (No, not your mom, because she, of course, thinks you are perfect.) Choose a friend or a counselor who will talk to you candidly and in a straightforward manner. Ask them to take some time and sit with you to discuss your list. Look it over and be as honest with them as you were with yourself in order to write it. This person should be willing to point out such things as “You never return calls” or “You boss people around instead of partnering with them,” so that you’ll be able to see yourself clearly and get past the denial.
Stay Out of Denial
Now that you and someone you trust have uncovered your weaknesses and flaws-what’s next? It’s important not to let your list shut you down to improving yourself, by being hesitant to face your own flaws. We all have traits we need to work on. Take contrary action when you start to engage in behaviors that have thus far gotten you nowhere. If you have a tendency to be rude or don’t let people get a word in, try to take a backseat in the conversation, keep your negative thoughts to yourself, and let others speak. If you are aggressive and full of pressure tactics, like calling someone repeatedly, try slowing down and being patient.
You could be just starting your search for that special partner or already have your eye on someone. No matter what, know that it is possible to get a different reaction from those around you and succeed, but you have to first face it and fix it.
You can also browse inside the book here!
World-renowned “interventionist” Ken Seeley, one of the hosts of A&E’s hit television series Intervention , has spent the past twenty years helping people and their families deal with and overcome life-threatening addictions. His clients have ranged from the homeless to multimillionaires, each needing professional help with every problem imaginable.