The Secret to Dating Success

By eHarmony Staff

The Secret to Dating Success

Want to know an often-overlooked secret to dating success? What you tell yourself about yourself can radically improve not only the quantity of your dates, but also the quality of your love life.

It’s true: You will boost your odds of finding a fantastic partner if you become convinced deep down that you have a lot to offer. You bring many assets and attributes to a potential relationship, and you’ll radiate that fact when you regularly remind yourself of your best qualities. To move forward with confidence, believe the best about yourself and your future.

Begin by paying close attention to your self-talk, all those silent but powerful internal messages you continually send yourself. As psychologist Les Parrott wrote:

Most of the time we have little awareness of our internal dialogue. Yet this self-talk has a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. It is the single most important determiner of whether or not you feel profound significance at your core. Your self-talk is a primary tool for realizing your lovability. Healthy persons are keenly aware of what they say to themselves, how they say it, and when they say it.

Self-talk is closely related to self-fulfilling prophesies. What you believe will happen often does happen. Action follows attitude, behavior follows beliefs. Suppose you’re on a date with someone you really like, but things are off to a bumpy start. The conversation is stiff, and you’re both tense. You’re at a fancy restaurant, and your self-talk plays like this: “Why can’t I ever think of anything to say? My jokes are so lame. Why did I choose this outfit? It makes me look fat.”

If all of this is going on in your mind, it’s sure to leak out in your behavior. You’ll act nervous and self-conscious. It’s a cyclical process, since negative self-talk accelerates the downward spiral.

But suppose you shifted your internal dialogue: “It’s nice to be on a date. I’m just going to be me and have a great time. I think we’re starting to click.” All of these positive thoughts will enable you to be more confident, poised, and appealing.

Positive self-talk is not only important for brief periods of time, but can also provide optimism as you look toward the future. Imagine the single person whose internal messages say, “I’m never going to find a decent partner. My last relationship ended miserably. I’m destined to be single and alone all my life.” Replayed constantly, that kind of thinking will become ingrained.

What a difference it would make if the self-talk were affirmative and hopeful. “I can’t wait to find the person of my dreams. I’ll hold out as long as it takes to find the best partner for me. And while I’m waiting, I’m going to keep working on myself to grow, develop, and improve.” That kind of thinking builds momentum in a positive direction.

Want to find the love of your life? Start by muzzling your inner critic. Instead, become your own biggest booster, cheerleader and encourager.

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