Becoming Your Most Attractive Self

by eHarmony Staff

Becoming Your Most Attractive Self

at-trac-tive adj. 1. providing pleasure or delight, esp. in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring. 2. arousing interest or engaging one’s thought, consideration 3. having the quality of attracting

Let’s be honest. Everybody wants to be considered attractive – especially when you’re on the market and trying to find that special someone. On some level, every single person equates attractiveness with more options, better opportunities and, ultimately, greater dating success.

But what’s really at the heart of attractiveness? Is it objective or subjective? Is it just physical? Are there ways to enhance your attractiveness, or are you stuck with what you’ve got? Read on for our take on how to attract the right person into your life by focusing on becoming your most attractive self.

The Beauty Trap

We know, we know. Our culture tends to equate attractiveness first and foremost with physical appearance. We are inundated with messages that being attractive means fitting into a cookie-cutter mold of physical beauty. These expectations are unrealistic, frustrating and demoralizing. They make us feel bad about ourselves and send others negative messages about ourselves, which is not attractive. It’s a vicious cycle. We know. That’s why this isn’t another article extolling the virtues of a new haircut or an updated wardrobe (even though we can appreciate a good makeover article as much as anyone). We want to start shifting the conversation and challenge you to look at your attractiveness quotient in a more holistic, more productive way.

In the end, yes, physical appearance is undeniably part of the total attractiveness equation. But it is not the entire picture. Your manner, your outlook, the way you engage people can be just as important as what you look like. Need proof? Think about that average-looking person you know who always seems to captivate members of the opposite sex with a sparkling, winning way. Or think about the physically stunning people you’ve met who turn hideously unattractive once you glimpse a negative disposition or unfriendly attitude.

Beyond the Physical

That’s why we’d like you to focus on your often neglected inner self. Personal growth is always a good thing. Personal transformation and evolution are things we can and should aspire to, since none of us will ever be perfect. Here are some quick inner-beauty tips to keep in mind as you navigate the dating jungle:

Confidence is Attractive

Insecurity is never appealing. People prefer to be around individuals who are comfortable with who they are and like themselves. After all, no one enjoys hearing people put themselves down. Or worse, put others down to build up their own self-esteem. So tap into your inner strength and power. Pinpoint what makes you feel confident. Clearly define what you have to offer the world – and a partner. Once you own all the qualities that make you unique, interesting and worthy, you will radiate and attract others like a beacon of light.

Passion is Attractive

Living your life with purpose and intention is always more appealing than the alternative. We all know too many people who just drift through life, never showing much passion for anything. Conversely, people who love what they do and do what they love tend to be extremely alluring. So pursue your interests. Take up hobbies that you’ve been meaning to explore. Everyone is great at something. Develop your skills and expertise. Do the things that make you feel like you and bring you real fulfillment and joy. 

Expressing yourself is Attractive

Consider how charming and appealing good conversationalists are. They tend to be the most popular people in any room. They make us feel good about ourselves. They engage us. They seem to always know just the right thing to say that will break the tension or make people laugh. Communication is truly an art. And research shows that good communication skills are learned not inherent. So if you aren’t the best communicator, you can make the effort to learn, and hone your skills with every conversation.

Tuning into Others is Attractive

Take another close look at that definition of attractive at the top of this article. Notice how it speaks about evoking a positive emotion in the other person. What can you do to evoke “pleasure or delight” in someone else? There is no better way to do this than by listening intently and showing genuine interest in another person. This is a very powerful tactic that is often neglected. We can all work on our listening skills, and doing so can really affect how we are perceived by the opposite sex. Try it!

Optimism is attractive. Ever notice that negativity tends to breed more negativity? And, on the flip side, that a positive outlook can be infectious? Or that no one likes to be around a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelson? They just aren’t very attractive. So take stock. Are you a glass-half-empty type of person? If so, focus on shifting your outlook. Your topics of conversation should follow. We challenge you to start thinking about attractiveness in a broader way than you have in the past. Pay attention to what you find attractive in others. Then identify your own strengths and weakness. Be honest with yourself. Open yourself up to real personal growth and progress. After all, at the heart of any great relationship is the idea of transformation, of merging two into one, of challenging each other and making each other better.

When it comes to finding lasting love, we think it takes more than just a new hairstyle or sassy outfit. We recommend that you seriously focus on increasing your appeal from the inside out!

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