This brilliant guest blog comes from relationship coach and author Kristina Marchant — who breaks it all down when it comes to some widespread myths we’ve been told about men.
Here’s the scenario: You’re out with the gals and one of them is smack dab in the middle of a dating crisis. One of your friends offers the group what she thinks is stellar advice on men and you’re left thinking, “Jeez, is that really what men want?”
So many of us grew up being told lies about what men want in a relationship and what men are looking for in a wife. These lies are so rampant that I get questions every day in my inbox asking me advice based on these lies: How do I make him think I don’t like him so that he wants me? How do I act more “chill” like his friend, so that he enjoys hanging out with me? How do I pretend I’m not mad at him when I feel so angry inside?
The truth is that most men are a lot more emotionally deft and capable of intimacy than we’ve given them credit for. Most times, we let society’s lies create fear in us and this fear get in the way of us being ourselves around men and communicating our needs. We’re left feeling despaired about love and forced to assume men are enigmas.
Lie #1: Men Want a Woman Who is “One of the Guys”
Maybe this was true in high school and college. Those are the years when you can hang with the guys in big groups, make out with a few male friends and act as if love and commitment is silly. That’s when a friends-with-benefits situation can work and everyone can experiment with relationships as they grow up.
But you aren’t in school anymore and grown, masculine, mature men want feminine women. They want to feel like they have to be on their best behavior to impress a date. Men fall in love when they feel that a certain woman pushes them to be a better man. And the best way to do this is to be a classy, elegant, confident lady who doesn’t accept “hang-out buddies with perks” as a substitue for a real relationship.
Lie #2: Men Hate Emotional Women
We’ve all heard how men shut down when a woman gets emotional. Most of us have been referred to as irrational and even crazy. However, men don’t hate emotional women, they just hate when a woman can’t communicate her feelings in a safe, simple, direct way. Communication in relationships is key. What men want is to feel like they can hear you, understand what comes out of your mouth and then help you to feel better. When a man can soothe a woman’s feelings, he feels on top of the world. But when he feels overwhelmed by tears and screaming, he feels like a failure and withdraws.
Lie #3: Men Love Mystery
This is one of the biggest misinterpretations of the dating world. Men don’t want to be left wondering who you really are and what you’re actually doing when you elusively say you’re “just busy.” Don’t make a man feel unsafe with you. Keeping a man interested by keeping him feeling uncertain is not going to lead to love. What men want is to be caught up in the mystery of your femininity. Men love how foreign we can seem: all those beauty products, so much empathy and softness, such ease in expressing vulnerability, such luscious sensuality. Feminine mystique is the kind of mystery a man loves.
Lie #4: Men Don’t Appreciate Smart, Funny Women
Don’t listen to Joan Rivers when she barks about how men don’t appreciate funny women. There is a time and a place for certain types of jokes. If your jokes are more spiteful and raunchy than endearing and goofy, maybe you need to step back and take a better look at yourself. What men want is to feel emotionally safe with a woman and have a good time with her. If your sense of humor puts him on the defensive, then he’s not going to appreciate your humor.
Lie #5: Men Only Want What They Can’t Have
This goes along with the lie that men love mystery. A mature, commitment-friendly man who is looking for a wife and wants a family isn’t interested in chasing your skirt. He wants to know you more. Men who only want what they can’t have are unaccountable boys.
What men want is to feel like the women they date have worth. And that starts with your self-worth. If you respect yourself and you politely and kindly demand only his best behavior, a great man will scramble to please you and will work hard to take you off the market. You don’t have to play games.
Guys, do you agree that these are dating myths?
Ladies, do you think men appreciate emotional, honest, smart and funny women?
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This article was originally published on YourTango: 5 Lies You’ve Been Told About What Men Want