***

Scene: Halloween party: two nerds dressed in ridiculous outfits:

Him: Are you seeing anyone else?

Me: No.  Are you?

Him:  Ah- no.  Of course not.

-pause-

Him: So, can I call you my girlfriend now?

Me: Sounds good.  Let’s get another drink!

***

Clearly this wasn’t our best, most romantic conversation ever.  But by the time we got around to officially rubber-stamping the boyfriend/girlfriend titles into our relationship, I already thought we were exclusive.

What are clues that someone can use to verify their relationship is serious- without “the conversation”?

A recent study looked at dating rituals that would need to happen in order for daters to consider a relationship exclusive:

• Attending social activities together:  Sure, this one seems obvious- and over 90% of their sample listed it as their top choice.  I mention it only because in the world of online dating, people can spend a lot of time talking to each other online before they ever meet.  This may give daters the illusion that their relationship is already serious before a date has even occurred!  If that date doesn’t work out, partners might feel more confused and rejected than they would have otherwise if so much time had not been spent communicating online.  Just remember, it isn’t serious until you are consistently seeing each other face-to-face.

• Hanging out with his/ or her friends:  Clearly if you are going to parties or other events and meeting your partner’s friends, this person feels confident in being seen with you.  They are sending out a visual signal to their social group that they are potentially off the market. If the friends already knew of you before you were introduced, even better.  This ranked especially high with Caucasians.
• Hanging out with his/her family members:  Think of the pressure!  For many the family represents a litmus test for the relationship.  Siblings may also be best friends.  If you are hanging out with the family, there is a good chance this partner thinks the relationship is serious.  Interestingly, this choice ranked higher for African Americans than Caucasians.
• Dressing up and going out: Are you going out on official dates to places that require reservations and menus, or are you still in the meet-up-for-coffee club?  Have you gone outside, or do you always seem to stay in and cook/order food?  Do you start the night together, or do you only get a phone call right around the time a bartender yells “last call?”  Think about where (and when) you spend your time together, and you’ll get a sense of how seriously it’s being considered.
• Buying gifts:  This wasn’t high up on the list, but it stood out for men: if they were buying the lady a gift (especially an expensive one), they were more likely to consider the relationship serious.  However, this wasn’t equally true for the ladies!  A gift doesn’t make you exclusive. Consider an affordable option next time you start seeing someone near the holidays.
• Sex:  No one reported that sexual intimacy by itself would indicate exclusivity, but sex was considered valued in a serious relationship.  Men were more likely than women to consider sex necessary for an exclusive relationship; the researchers point out this might have been more of men’s opinion about the importance of sex as a component of a serious relationship, not an accurate marker of one.

Keep in mind that all of these components need to be happening in constellation with each other.  Don’t assume because one is happening that you have the golden ticket for exclusivity.  While it’s always best to confirm that your feelings about the relationship are mutual, taking notice of these signs will help you feel more confident that the relationship is progressing in the desired direction.

Further Reading:

Jackson, P.B., Kleiner, S., Geist, C., & Cebulko, K. (2011). Conventions of courtship: Gender and race differences in the significance of dating rituals. Journal of Family Issues, 32 (5), 629-652. DOI:10.1177/0192513X10395113

The post When do you know if your relationship is exclusive (without asking)? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“Women often need to do nothing to promote a sexual encounter. Simply existing in time and space and being naked under their clothes is often enough to trigger approach attempts by men.” -D. Symons

Walk into any bar, coffee shop, bookstore, DMV, etc., etc.: anywhere men and women intermingle, there will be flirting.  The tendency for men and women to flirt with each other is widely accepted (and expected!) as a means of initiating romantic relationships.  Just exactly how we engage each other to communicate our romantic interests, however, allows more room for debate.  Who should make the first move?  Does flirting with someone always mean “I’m interested”?  Does a “one-night stand” flirt differently than someone interested in a long-term relationship?  And, given all the different ways there are to flirt, how much can you really determine about the flirter’s potential?

According to a recent study, you can learn quite a bit, including someone’s personality, attitudes and beliefs about courtship, self-presentation tendencies, and even past relationship behaviors.  Researchers developed the “Flirting Styles Inventory” to identify the individual differences in the communication of romantic interest (Hall, Carter, Cody, & Albright, 2010).  Specifically, they identified 5 distinct flirting styles…

Click here to see what your flirting style says about you.

The post What Type of Flirt Are You? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

When I read this, I nearly spit my coffee out onto my keyboard. Women have to wait 25 years in order to finally be optimally satisfied with their sex life?!  Well, no. Heiman and her fellow researchers with the Kinsey Institute are not saying that as soon as 25 years in a relationship hits, women can start enjoying themselves. Rather, they explain that over time, women are becoming more sexually satisfied with their partner, while their partner is becoming happier with the relationship overall. Over time, other factors begin to become more of a priority for both men and women in order to maintain relationship satisfaction. The following findings should also be pointed out (and bolded and underlined and italicized):

• More sexual partners in a man’s history predicted less sexual satisfaction
• For men, relationship happiness was more likely if he reported being in good health and if it was important to him that his partner experienced orgasm
• Frequent kissing or cuddling predicted happiness in the relationship for men, but not for women
• Compared to men, women showed lower sexual satisfaction early in the relationship and greater sexual satisfaction later

To learn more about these findings and what women can be doing NOW to improve their sexual satisfaction, click here.

The post The Key to Good Sex is in Your Head appeared first on eHarmony Blog.