Research has shown that parental divorce can drastically alter the attachment style of a child, where they may be less likely to create a fully trusting relationship, and afraid to commit or open up to a partner. However, recent research by Robert Ackerman and colleagues at the University of Texas at Dallas focused on how positive family interactions in the teenage years can affect romantic relationships in adulthood.

The researchers found that individuals who came from families which expressed more positive engagement with one another were less likely to act hostile towards their partners as adults, and were more likely to have higher satisfaction with their relationships. Their partners were also found to be less hostile and have higher relationship satisfaction.

These results could be showing that the dynamics within a family can influence a teenager to form better methods of interacting with loved ones, which could be influencing their eventual partner in adulthood as well. It could also be that these individuals from positive families are seeking out partners who are similar to themselves and have had that same warm and nurturing environment growing up. The researchers believe it could be a combination of the two theories.

How can we use this information for our adult dating lives?

The next time you’re meeting somebody new, you might want to ask them a little more about the relationship with their family during their teen years. It could tell you quite a bit about how they form relationships and how likely they are to be warm and supportive with their own family later in life.

The post How Your Teen Past Affects Your Romantic Future appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Recent research has shown that people who follow more of these traditional gender roles in the bedroom with a dominant man and submissive woman had lower levels of sexual self-efficacy. Sexual self-efficacy includes how confident one feels in sexual situations, overall sexual satisfaction, and their ability to initiate safe-sex.  Overall, men were more likely to hold the belief that men should be more dominant sexually than women.  But both men and women who follow these traditional gender roles in the bedroom were less confident in sexual situations as well as less satisfied with their sexual relationships.  Women were also found to be less likely to initiate safe-sex practices, in that they would follow what their dominant partner would want or wait for their suggestion.

So if you take on these types of roles, chances are you’re not going to be nearly as satisfied with your sexual relationship as those who prefer gender equality in the bedroom, and you won’t be as confident in your own sexual prowess.  You should think about switching to an equality mentality so you and your partner will have an equal say in what goes on between the sheets, you’ll know exactly what satisfies your partner and how to achieve that, which will lead you both to a happier and more satisfying relationship.

The post Equality Now! Why You Should Strive for Equality in the Bedroom appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Recent research by Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury at UCLA investigated the effects of cold feet on the likelihood of divorce as well as effects on relationship satisfaction.  Out of the 232 couples they followed for 4 years, 47% of husbands and 38% of wives said they had some pre-wedding doubts, and overall, 12% of the couples divorced within 4 years.  Among the wives, only 8% of those who said they did not have pre-wedding doubts had their relationships end in divorce.  But for those wives who did have cold feet, 19% of them ended in divorce.  It was very similar for men, where only 9% of those without pre-wedding doubts ended in divorce, and 14% with doubts ended in divorce.  Overall, even if one person in a couple has the pre-wedding jitters, then their chances of getting divorced are generally increased.

But what about those who stayed together?  The researchers showed that couples who had cold feet were significantly less satisfied with their relationship than those without any doubts, and remained less satisfied throughout the first four years of marriage.  So even though these couples may have not divorced, they were still ultimately less happy in their marriage.

But what does that mean for us?  If you have any doubts, should you follow Julia Robert’s lead from Runaway Bride and high-tail it out of the relationship?  Definitely not.  One of the best things you can do is talk to your partner about it.  If you two talk about each other’s doubts and fears in taking the next step, you’ll start to understand one another better and can work to help calm each other’s nerves about the upcoming nuptials, and eventually alleviate all (or at least some) of the doubts altogether.

The post Is There More to the “Pre-Wedding Jitters” Than You Think? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

One way alcohol can affect your dating agenda is by altering who you would normally approach or ask out on a date.  I’m sure most of you have heard the term “beer goggles,” but for those who haven’t, it’s the term for finding people more attractive than they really are after having a few drinks. 

Recent research has shown that the beer goggle phenomenon does actually exist.  Comparing individuals who were moderately or highly intoxicated to sober individuals, the researchers found that both moderately and highly intoxicated individuals rated pictures of the opposite sex to be significantly more attractive than sober individuals did.

More recently, alcohol has also been shown to affect how attractive you think you are.  Research by Bègue and colleagues found that people who drank alcohol, as well as people who thought they drank alcohol, rated themselves as more attractive than those who hadn’t had any beverages.  But this jump in attractiveness was not seen by anyone else.  Independent reviewers did not find these intoxicated (or think-they’re-intoxicated) people any more attractive than their sober counterparts.

So how can alcohol make or break you in the dating game?  The increased ratings of your own attractiveness can actually be a great thing.  If you’re feeling super attractive and on top of the world, your confidence levels are going to be just as high.  You’ll be more likely to approach that person you’ve had your eye on, and you’ll feel better about yourself while you do.  However, this could backfire.  Badly.  A few too many drinks, and you may suffer from “beer goggles” and approach and ask out someone you are not really attracted to, and may later regret it.

All in all, there is a fine line you should strive for when enjoying alcoholic drinks and trying to meet others, where you are loosened up, feel extra attractive and confident, but before your judgment is impaired.  As the “beer goggles” study showed, even moderately intoxicated people were shown to have an altered rating system in attractiveness.

Have you ever logged onto eHarmony after a few drinks?  Did you feel more confident in messaging your matches?

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Like what you read here? We suggest you also read the following:

Closing Time and Your Choice of a Wing-Man – Do people really get more attractive at the end of the night?  Probably not but your wing man can help!

How your attractiveness affects your perception of others – Have you ever been to a bar or other social hangout and been approached by someone who just doesn’t get the hint that you’re not interested? Why do we have such difficulty in accurately reading sexual cues from others?

The post How Alcohol Can Affect Your Quest for Love appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

This story made me think about how important first impressions can be, and what kinds of things can be telling so much about you without even knowing it.  Some recent research was interested in how limited non-interaction indicators, namely shoes, can reveal certain characteristics about people.  They found that observers, who were just shown pictures of people’s shoes, were able to accurately guess the person’s age, gender, and income, just based on a picture of their favorite kicks!  What was even more interesting, these observers were also able to accurately estimate the person’s level of attachment anxiety.

A person who has a high level of attachment anxiety needs to be noticed and be the center of attention constantly.  They need a strong level of reinforcement and are fearful of being abandoned.  The researchers suggest that people with high levels of attachment anxiety will wear shoes that are eye-catching and expressive of their own personalities, which will make them stand out more to others and they will receive the attention that they crave.  But most importantly, others can see through that!  Observers knew those who wore flashy, expressive shoes were more anxious in their attachments.

So before putting on your favorite shoes while getting ready for a date, you might want to keep in mind what kinds of things your shoes might be saying about you.

What are your favorite shoes to wear on a date?  What do you think they say about you?

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The post What Do Your Shoes Say About You? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

A recent study looked into the relationship between a person’s responsiveness to the feelings and needs of another and the amount of initial attraction felt towards that person, and found that overall, a responsive potential partner is more sexually desirable than an unresponsive partner.

However, when comparing the attraction to a responsive potential partner between men and women, the researchers found a key difference: men found responsive potential partners to be more sexually desirable, whereas women found responsive potential partners to actually be less sexually desirable.  So although everyone says they want a partner who understands and takes care of them, this isn’t necessarily true in the periods of initial attraction for women.  But what can these findings do for your dating life?

Women:  Be as kind as you can be to men.  But be sure you know what you’re saying with your kindness and responsiveness.  Men respond to it in a much different way than you do.  When men see your kindness and how responsive you are to them and their feelings, they can see it as a sign you want to be with them and eventually sleep with them.  If you’ve been crushing on a certain man in your life, show them how supportive and responsive you can be to them and their feelings and maybe they’ll see you in a different light.

Men:  It’s great that you consider yourself “a nice guy” and sensitive to a woman’s needs.  Seriously, keep that up or even work on strengthening it.  But, according to this study, don’t show that to a woman right off the bat.  Women do want to end up with a guy like you, but they’re not going to be sexually attracted to you right away.  Women could be mistaking your initial kindness and responsiveness for some type of ploy to get them into bed or even as desperation.  Try waiting just a bit to show them how attentive to their needs you can be.  Nice guys do end up winning, just not at first.

There has been plenty of research in the past showing that couples who are more responsive to one another are the most satisfied and strongest couples.  Being attentive to another’s feelings and needs is definitely an important part of a relationship and should be something you strive to be able to do for someone, just know how to use it in attracting potential dates.

Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

• Five Easy Ways to Have More Sex – Some of the easiest tactics you can do to boost your chances in the dating scene.
• Is He Generous or Does He Just Want to Have Sex? – Does a man show off his charity and generosity just to get with women?
• Trusting Your Partner Can Make You Live Longer – How can solid foundations of trust and responsiveness in a relationship decrease your chances of later physical ailments?

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The post No More Mister Nice Guy: A Guide to Attracting Partners appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

How important is touch in our lives?

Physical contact can be so powerful that it can cause us to view people as more favorable, even if we don’t remember being touched by them.  We are more likely to tip more, buy products, oblige favors, and feel comfort if we are touched during these situations- however slight it may be.  Touch is fundamental to how we understand the world, and even provides us our first lessons in loving through cuddling we receive as newborns. New research shows that it is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves.

Researchers from Sweden recently looked at how the brain processes sensual contact.  Participants underwent MRI scans while their arms were stroked with a brush.   The brain responded in a region specific for social interactions and strongest when the stroke was slow (like a caress). Surprisingly, volunteers that were instructed to watch videos of people having their arms being caressed had the same kind of brain activation.  They concluded not only that the brain is able to distinguish sensual touch from other kinds of (nonromantic) touch, but also that watching sensual skin contact can make observers experience the emotional meaning of the touch without actually feeling the touch directly.

How does touch function in dating relationships?

Touching is tied to several components of healthy relationship functioning.  It is used in a variety of ways: to communicate affiliation in courtship, symbolize commitment, initiate physical intimacy or provide emotional comfort (to name a few).  In can also affect our health and stress level: those who report a history of receiving hugs often from their partner have lower blood pressure than those without that same history. Those that are aversive to touch have been linked to high levels of neuroticism, poor interpersonal skills, and lower self-esteem.  Individuals who are uncomfortable engaging in touching may also have trouble communicating their emotions.

The research above looks at social, sensual contact that is not overtly sexual.  Considering that the effects of watching some romantic behavior can activate the brain the same way as participating in the behavior, when would the bystanders most often see this kind of touching?  One way is through public displays of affection.  Are their certain stages of a relationship were public touch is more prevalent?   Previous research has found that couples who were in the intermediate stages of a relationship (committed, marriage bound but not yet married) were more likely to show their affection publicly than those who were dating casually or already married.   This usually amounted to more displays that communicated commitment, not necessarily necking or heavy petting (so that obnoxious couple at the table next to you making out profusely is not the kind we are talking about here).  Surprisingly, all forms of touch (both public and private) increases through each stage of a relationship until marriage, after which perceptions of touch drop.  Men- but not women- perceive that their partner touched them less after they were married than when they were dating.

What happens to you when you see a public display of affection?  Do you get tense and resentful and maybe say “Get a room!”, or do you smile sheepishly, feeling more relaxed and somewhat nostalgic, as if you too have received a physical touch of affection?  At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?

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The post Touch, relationships and public displays of affection appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

If you’re anything like me, you tell your hairdresser everything. It’s almost a form of therapy – no judgment, I get to talk (and talk) to a captive audience, and when I leave, I feel great about myself! A few weeks ago, I was getting my hair cut from my hairdresser and longtime friend, Ryan Lewis. Ryan had just joined eHarmony and was discussing his experience when he started to bring up some really interesting correlations between his encounters with women on the site and the daily interaction he has with his clients. Because a part of his job is listening to women (and men!) discuss their relationships, he has incredible insight and is able to observe patterns of behavior that we might not otherwise see. And so, for your reading enjoyment, I asked him to write something which discusses these observations from the point of view of someone who is not only heard it all when it comes to relationship hang-ups, but is also a new member to eHarmony.

Consultation/eHarmony Questionnaire

by Ryan Lewis

My wise dad always told me that being in a relationship acts like a mirror for you to see who you truly are. I never understood that when I was younger, but after 10 years as a hairdresser, the mirror I look into every day is becoming a little clearer. Whether it is a client or a girl I’m dating, the idea of creating a better relationship is always on my mind. I never had a problem finding girls to date but my ability to choose the one best for me was always an issue.

After joining eHarmony, I was faced with the fact that a lot of the girls I dated in the past had followed a fairly consistent pattern. I was determined to get to the bottom of why I am attracted to certain qualities,  and how I can use my knowledge to become better at picking the perfect girl for me. The relationships I keep behind the chair and the experiences I have with dating seem to go hand in hand and I’m fascinated with the idea of linking them together.  This is my colorful and somewhat neurotic analysis of people in my chair and how it translates into every relationship we have with the people we want to love, especially ourselves.

The first step to any healthy relationship is coming into it with complete honesty. The eHarmony Relationship Questionnaire is a platform for people to begin an honest relationship with themselves. Answering all of those important questions should really narrow down what expectations you have with others but most importantly, the expectations you have with yourself. Truly being honest with who you are seems easy, but it’s actually one of the hardest things we face.   We don’t want to show anyone the things that make us insecure or undesirable.

In my industry, most salons offer what is known as a consultation. In a few short minutes, the hairdresser and prospective client sit down and lay everything out on the line. In some ways this is my time to impress my client with skill and talent, but in actuality if we are both being honest it’s an opportunity for me to understand their expectations. In these short moments, we will have an idea if this relationship stands a chance. As the consultation progresses, I absorb things which will help me understand clients better. I take a look at their face shape, what clothes they wear, what they do for work, and what things they do for fun. On top of that,  I try and get a sense of how committed they are to the new style I may give them, and how often they will try to duplicate it. I also want to know how this person sees him or herself in the mirror. I want to make this person feel hot, so I need to know what makes them feel attractive.

In my mind, the questionnaire was asking the same very important things. It wanted to know what I looked like, my must-haves, can’t-stands, if I am committed to being in a monogamous relationship, how committed I am to making a relationship work, and my favorite question, which asked how sexy would I rate myself (!). All this information gets put into a secure place, so when the decision is made to go to the next step with someone, neither me nor my first date are going in blind.

So whether it’s a consultation at the salon or signing up for eHarmony, the best plan is to be thoughtful, honest and ready for something new!

The post Advice From a Hairdresser appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Of course not- although George benefits from us watching the rest of the movie.  Promises from loved ones come in all shapes- from nebulous ones about general behavior “I promise I’ll be nicer to your mother,” to concrete and specific tasks “I promise to call you on Friday,” and grand gestures “I’ll move across the country for you!”  Romantic promises have the instant benefit of making one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them.  One who is promised something gets an instant boost of positive feelings, and if that promise is kept the relationship is often strengthened.  The risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or flat out broken.  We have all come in contact with people who promise something with all the love and authenticity in their heart, and then completely forget about it the very next day.  What gives?

In the context of relationships, people tend to let their feelings get the better of them when it comes to promising.  Research shows that people who feel most for their partner make promises more often and with more ambition, but are not any better at keeping them.  The feelings direct the motivation and the size of the promise (i.e., the more love they felt, the more ambitious the promise became), but not the follow-through.  George’s promise to lasso the moon indicates that he really loves Mary; making grand gestures to secure her love in return. In reality, this may look like your partner promising to pick up the dry cleaning, get groceries, and deposit those checks all before returning home.  However, once a promise is said, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior.

People in love often lead with their feelings but not their follow-through.  There might be an expectation of an ambitious and purposefully difficult promise in order to prove that love.  While everyone might be good at feeling love and a desire to please their partner, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it).  Promises are comprised of two parts: verbal intent and task completion.  If someone is good at being responsive but not great with self-discipline they may not be able to fulfill their promises.  In other words a person sincerely full of love might frequently over-promise and under-deliver.  In a strange way, those that feel more for their partner might actually let them down and endanger the relationship more often.

What this means is that one cannot judge their partner’s love necessarily based on their ability to fulfill promises.  In fact, it may be the case that your partner’s love may be fueling your partner to over-promise and let you down.  Well-meaning individuals typically promise more to their romantic other than what they can actually complete.

How have loved ones broken promises (both big and small)?  Were you able to give them the benefit of the doubt or did it erode your relationship?

The post Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Disagreement is always destructive: Do you think that partners should agree on all matters, getting extremely upset if your partner disagrees with you on even casual beliefs?  Can you not let an idea go until you both agree (or your partner agrees with you) even if it means you are up half the night arguing?   Do you feel that the relationship (or your feelings) is falling apart if you have a disagreement?  You might have an unrealistic belief about conflict in your relationship.  When couples can address their negative feelings is a safe and constructive way, it can actually help a relationship grow stronger.

Relationship partners should sense each other’s thoughts and feelings without having to verbalize them:  This is tantamount to mind-reading.  Do you expect your partner to understand your moods simply by the huff in your voice?  Do you think people really in love should be attuned to each other at all times?  While partners should be empathetic to one another, super powers are for comic book heroes.  You are expecting too much from nonverbal communication.  While it’s risky to pipe up and talk about vulnerable feelings, it’s the only way to true intimacy with the one you love.

Are there some ‘rules for a relationship’ that you just can’t give up?  Have you fallen victim to unrealistic expectations in the past?  Read about three more, and tell us your own- here.

The post Dating Advice: Do you have unrealistic expectations for a relationship? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.