Sounds like you weren’t properly listening- and boy can we catch you on that one.  Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to the feelings of another person, and in relationships it is often thought the better a partner is at being empathically accurate the better the relationship is for both partners.  This is probably obvious when she’s coming home to share happy news about her day- and empathizing with her makes both you and her feel good.  What about during an argument?  A very typical response is for women to express themselves and men to withdraw or tune out.  For some, the idea of knowing negative emotions is just too threatening.  While it might feel better not to understand the exact amount of negative emotion your woman is feeling, it does not speak well for the future of your relationship if you can’t make an effort.

In fact effort might be all that you need to make.  A new study out in the Journal of Family Psychology found that women who perceived their men as visibly trying to understand them (men who were high on empathic effort) during times of conflict were more satisfied in the relationship.  The key word here is effort: a woman’s satisfaction was more strongly related to her perception that her man was actually trying to understand her negative emotions than for the man’s actual accuracy in reading those emotions.  Accuracy played a bigger role in identifying positive emotions (in the obvious directions for both partners).   So, when she comes to you angry and wanting to express herself, don’t try to brush off the argument with a quick apology- overall it will be better for you both if you make an effort to understand her feelings.  Don’t worry about creating a Rembrantesque picture of her emotional canvas- going for a water color level of accuracy may be all that you need.  As long as your behavior emphasizes the intent and investment to understand you’ll be on a better path to repair and reconnection.

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Like this post?  Here are some others you might enjoy reading:

The Top Ten ‘Can’t Stands’ for Men using eHarmony. It turns out that men nominate their top ten ‘can’t stands’ (deal-breakers) almost identically, regardless of what part of the US (or Canada) they call home.

How does your first name influence your dating success?  The curse of Sheldon.   New research points out that having a negative first name hurts your chances in the world of online dating (and beyond).

How many times do you look at a profile before communicating? You see a profile that you like. Before you communicate, do you wait and take another look at the profile just to make sure?

The post Mind-reading: Yes, women want it. Here’s why you should try. appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

How important is touch in our lives?

Physical contact can be so powerful that it can cause us to view people as more favorable, even if we don’t remember being touched by them.  We are more likely to tip more, buy products, oblige favors, and feel comfort if we are touched during these situations- however slight it may be.  Touch is fundamental to how we understand the world, and even provides us our first lessons in loving through cuddling we receive as newborns. New research shows that it is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves.

Researchers from Sweden recently looked at how the brain processes sensual contact.  Participants underwent MRI scans while their arms were stroked with a brush.   The brain responded in a region specific for social interactions and strongest when the stroke was slow (like a caress). Surprisingly, volunteers that were instructed to watch videos of people having their arms being caressed had the same kind of brain activation.  They concluded not only that the brain is able to distinguish sensual touch from other kinds of (nonromantic) touch, but also that watching sensual skin contact can make observers experience the emotional meaning of the touch without actually feeling the touch directly.

How does touch function in dating relationships?

Touching is tied to several components of healthy relationship functioning.  It is used in a variety of ways: to communicate affiliation in courtship, symbolize commitment, initiate physical intimacy or provide emotional comfort (to name a few).  In can also affect our health and stress level: those who report a history of receiving hugs often from their partner have lower blood pressure than those without that same history. Those that are aversive to touch have been linked to high levels of neuroticism, poor interpersonal skills, and lower self-esteem.  Individuals who are uncomfortable engaging in touching may also have trouble communicating their emotions.

The research above looks at social, sensual contact that is not overtly sexual.  Considering that the effects of watching some romantic behavior can activate the brain the same way as participating in the behavior, when would the bystanders most often see this kind of touching?  One way is through public displays of affection.  Are their certain stages of a relationship were public touch is more prevalent?   Previous research has found that couples who were in the intermediate stages of a relationship (committed, marriage bound but not yet married) were more likely to show their affection publicly than those who were dating casually or already married.   This usually amounted to more displays that communicated commitment, not necessarily necking or heavy petting (so that obnoxious couple at the table next to you making out profusely is not the kind we are talking about here).  Surprisingly, all forms of touch (both public and private) increases through each stage of a relationship until marriage, after which perceptions of touch drop.  Men- but not women- perceive that their partner touched them less after they were married than when they were dating.

What happens to you when you see a public display of affection?  Do you get tense and resentful and maybe say “Get a room!”, or do you smile sheepishly, feeling more relaxed and somewhat nostalgic, as if you too have received a physical touch of affection?  At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?

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Of course not- although George benefits from us watching the rest of the movie.  Promises from loved ones come in all shapes- from nebulous ones about general behavior “I promise I’ll be nicer to your mother,” to concrete and specific tasks “I promise to call you on Friday,” and grand gestures “I’ll move across the country for you!”  Romantic promises have the instant benefit of making one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them.  One who is promised something gets an instant boost of positive feelings, and if that promise is kept the relationship is often strengthened.  The risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or flat out broken.  We have all come in contact with people who promise something with all the love and authenticity in their heart, and then completely forget about it the very next day.  What gives?

In the context of relationships, people tend to let their feelings get the better of them when it comes to promising.  Research shows that people who feel most for their partner make promises more often and with more ambition, but are not any better at keeping them.  The feelings direct the motivation and the size of the promise (i.e., the more love they felt, the more ambitious the promise became), but not the follow-through.  George’s promise to lasso the moon indicates that he really loves Mary; making grand gestures to secure her love in return. In reality, this may look like your partner promising to pick up the dry cleaning, get groceries, and deposit those checks all before returning home.  However, once a promise is said, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior.

People in love often lead with their feelings but not their follow-through.  There might be an expectation of an ambitious and purposefully difficult promise in order to prove that love.  While everyone might be good at feeling love and a desire to please their partner, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it).  Promises are comprised of two parts: verbal intent and task completion.  If someone is good at being responsive but not great with self-discipline they may not be able to fulfill their promises.  In other words a person sincerely full of love might frequently over-promise and under-deliver.  In a strange way, those that feel more for their partner might actually let them down and endanger the relationship more often.

What this means is that one cannot judge their partner’s love necessarily based on their ability to fulfill promises.  In fact, it may be the case that your partner’s love may be fueling your partner to over-promise and let you down.  Well-meaning individuals typically promise more to their romantic other than what they can actually complete.

How have loved ones broken promises (both big and small)?  Were you able to give them the benefit of the doubt or did it erode your relationship?

The post Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Disagreement is always destructive: Do you think that partners should agree on all matters, getting extremely upset if your partner disagrees with you on even casual beliefs?  Can you not let an idea go until you both agree (or your partner agrees with you) even if it means you are up half the night arguing?   Do you feel that the relationship (or your feelings) is falling apart if you have a disagreement?  You might have an unrealistic belief about conflict in your relationship.  When couples can address their negative feelings is a safe and constructive way, it can actually help a relationship grow stronger.

Relationship partners should sense each other’s thoughts and feelings without having to verbalize them:  This is tantamount to mind-reading.  Do you expect your partner to understand your moods simply by the huff in your voice?  Do you think people really in love should be attuned to each other at all times?  While partners should be empathetic to one another, super powers are for comic book heroes.  You are expecting too much from nonverbal communication.  While it’s risky to pipe up and talk about vulnerable feelings, it’s the only way to true intimacy with the one you love.

Are there some ‘rules for a relationship’ that you just can’t give up?  Have you fallen victim to unrealistic expectations in the past?  Read about three more, and tell us your own- here.

The post Dating Advice: Do you have unrealistic expectations for a relationship? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

But do you follow your own advice?  Knowing the right thing to do in relationships and actually choosing to do it are not always tied together.   A recent study had participants reading choose your own adventure-type dating scenarios and to pick either a relationship-enhancing or a relationship-worsening outcome.

Here is an example of a hypothetical vignette referencing support:

Your grandmother is hospitalized and you are upset. Do you:

(a) Discuss this with your partner to get it off your chest

(b) Not mention the incident; it might ruin the night

Participants were asked to either choose which option was better through each vignette, or play the reading game by indicating which option they would choose. The results highlighted what many of us have to begrudgingly admit: we often know what to do in a relationship and do something different when it’s us in the scenario.  It’s akin to snoozing instead of exercising, eating fries instead of the salad, or “forgetting” to call your mom back. Thinking your “life experience” might help you?  Not so fast: individuals who were high in relationship knowledge were the best at knowing what to do, but that didn’t help them choose the better option.   By the way, the answer to the above was ‘A.’

So what gives?  What makes us better spectators at relationships than participants?  Read why, here.

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One such way that is gaining empirical traction is practicing acceptance, especially with the help of a therapist trained in Integrative Behavior Couple Therapy (Christensen & Jacobson, 2000). Acceptance is defined as coming to terms with the unpleasant things about the other. This concept is deeper than just tolerance, but not as intense as forgiveness. This type of intervention isn’t set on changing the frequency of perceived negative behavior. It is a process by which one lets go of those things that they wish were different. By learning and practicing acceptance, couples can change the way they think and react to previously unacceptable behaviors.

Recent research finds that the emotional reaction to the perceived incompatibility is more upsetting and harmful than the differences themselves (South, Doss, & Christensen 2010). Focusing solely on change can be a trap for couples, since it naturally pits individuals against each other. Many couples get locked into a pattern of distress, since partners tend to reciprocate negative behaviors more than positive ones, thereby creating a cycle of destruction. And the frequency of positive and negative relationship behaviors between partners is a critical determinant of marital distress (Cordova, Jacobson & Christensen, 1998).

Researchers have found that one’s own behavior, either positive or negative, seems in part to be a function of the acceptability of the other partner’s behavior, and not just an appraisal of the relationship as a whole. In other words, many of couples practice a tit-for-tat behavior exchange- and this gets them into trouble when all the behaviors are judged as negative and the acceptance of those negative behaviors are low. Acceptance interventions help to break the repetitive cycle of negative, hurtful blame and behavior.

Express soft emotions first: This doesn’t mean whisper, or skirting around the issue. Certain emotions can evoke more constructive reactions from partners than others. There is greater potential for partners to feel close to one another despite their issues when “soft” emotions such as hurt, loneliness, insecurity, fear, desire, or love are expressed. Soft emotions are more likely to evoke empathy and emotional closeness, as well as willingness to work on potential problems.

On the other hand, “hard” emotional expressions are accusatory, and communicate hostile anger, contempt, and intolerance. When seen in clinical practice they often leave the other partner feeling defensive and resentful- and more likely to respond in kind. Clinicians have long theorized that the longer couples remain angry and polarized, the more motivated they are to fight rather than solve problems.

Detach yourself from the emotion in the problem: It helps to talk about the problem away from its context; away from the emotional heat. Talking about the problem instead of engaging in the problem directly may give partners a way to reframe the problem as a common enemy that they can tackle together. Think of it as an intellectual analysis instead of a screaming crying cage-match. One way to do this is to talk about the issue as if you are a window-shopper, looking in from the outside. The more partners can discuss their problems without blaming and struggling against each other, the more they may be able to understand how this issue impacts all those involved.

Try to see the upside: Partners might become so entrenched in a perspective that the potential positives it has to the relationship are missed. Is it possible that a partner’s saving practices provided a safety net during a job loss? Do another partner’s spending habits provide much needed stress outlets in the form of vacations or fun shared activities? Thinking about what the behavior provides to the relationship as a whole might increase its acceptance.

Practice unresentful self-care: There are some realities to a relationship such as a certain job schedule or set of in-laws that are not likely to change and exceptionally hard to accept. In those cases, practicing self-care may be the best option. For example, if your partner has to work a late-night shift as part of her job, instead of getting angry because you’re home alone, come up with an alternative activity that satisfies your needs without blaming your partner.

Learning how to practice acceptance might be extremely difficult if couples are constantly seeing red. It may be best in those cases to learn how acceptance can work with the help of a therapist. It’s important to note that acceptance may not be recommended for every situation a couple encounters, especially infidelity, substance abuse, and partner violence.

More information about Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy can be found here including resources, articles, and therapist referrals.

Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N. (2000). Reconcilable differences. New York: Guilford Press.

Cordova, J.V., Jacobson, N.J., &Christensen, A. (1998) Acceptance versus chance interventions in behaviors couple therapy: Impact on couples’ in-session communication. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 24, 437-455.

Dimidjian, S., Martell, C.R., & Christensen, A. (2008). Integrative behavioral couple therapy. In A.S. Gurman (ed.) Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp.73- 103). New York; Guilford Press.

South, S.C., Doss, B.D., &Christensen, A. (2010). Through the eyes of the beholder: The mediating role of relationship acceptance in the impact of partner behavior. Family Relations, 59, 611-622.

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