Recent research by Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury at UCLA investigated the effects of cold feet on the likelihood of divorce as well as effects on relationship satisfaction.  Out of the 232 couples they followed for 4 years, 47% of husbands and 38% of wives said they had some pre-wedding doubts, and overall, 12% of the couples divorced within 4 years.  Among the wives, only 8% of those who said they did not have pre-wedding doubts had their relationships end in divorce.  But for those wives who did have cold feet, 19% of them ended in divorce.  It was very similar for men, where only 9% of those without pre-wedding doubts ended in divorce, and 14% with doubts ended in divorce.  Overall, even if one person in a couple has the pre-wedding jitters, then their chances of getting divorced are generally increased.

But what about those who stayed together?  The researchers showed that couples who had cold feet were significantly less satisfied with their relationship than those without any doubts, and remained less satisfied throughout the first four years of marriage.  So even though these couples may have not divorced, they were still ultimately less happy in their marriage.

But what does that mean for us?  If you have any doubts, should you follow Julia Robert’s lead from Runaway Bride and high-tail it out of the relationship?  Definitely not.  One of the best things you can do is talk to your partner about it.  If you two talk about each other’s doubts and fears in taking the next step, you’ll start to understand one another better and can work to help calm each other’s nerves about the upcoming nuptials, and eventually alleviate all (or at least some) of the doubts altogether.

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Mothers influence the children’s relationship with the Father, even after divorce.

It’s important to understand the origin of situations like these in the constellation of the divorce process; many times it’s the mother that gets the benefit of the doubt, and the father has to prove his worth.  It’s possible for a good father to lose his cool after repeatedly being isolated and demeaned.   According to a review of literature on divorced fathers, Nielson (1999) reported that “the single most important factor [for parental relationships] is the mother’s attitude towards the father.  That is, fathers and children usually remain close only if the mother actively encourages and facilitates their relationship…too many divorced fathers end up with little or no relationship with their children in part because the mother has not been supportive.”  In other words, mothers still have a responsibility in nurturing and prioritizing their children’s relationship with their father after the divorce (provided there is no legitimate reason to separate them), even if it pains the ego to do so.

Sometimes my ex still tries to act like my spouse.  Why?

Looking at a case study supplied by Baum (2004), divorced parents have to outwardly sever the identity as a spouse, but inwardly those roles may remain joined.  This results in psychological “residuals” of the former identity as a spouse, affecting the man’s ability to create a new identity as a fully transitioned ex-husband and present father.  Worse yet, the more these residuals remain present, the easier it is for reminders of that former life to trigger strong emotions previously experienced by the marriage (something referred to in the paper as “refueling”).  This may in turn bring up old fires and ways of dealing with each other.  Both sides need to work to let go of the psychological identity of your former life in order to relate to each other in a decent, humane way.

Why does it matter who the children are close to- as long as they have one of us?  Read more about the consequences of cutting the kids off from the ex-spouse, here.

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