But what kind of influence can this plethora of love songs have on our everyday lives?  Recent research looked at the effects of love songs on dating behavior.  In a study by Jacob et al (1999), the researchers looked at what kind of influence music can have at a flower shop.  Interestingly, they found that men, but not women, spent more money in the flower shop when romantic songs were playing  then when non-romantic pop songs or no music was played.

In another recent study, Guéguen et al (2010) conducted a “marketing” survey in which women were told they would be discussing organic products with another participant.  However, instead of a marketing survey, they were actually exposed to either a romantic or non-romantic song in the waiting room, and later asked for their phone number by another participant who was really part of the study.  The researchers found that women who listened to the romantic song before the experiment were much more likely to give out their phone number. 52% of women who listened to the romantic song gave out their phone numbers, whereas only 28% from the non-romantic song group gave out their numbers.

Not only can music change your mood, this research shows it can drastically alter your behavior as well.  Why does this happen?  Researchers believe it could be that this particular type of music lifts your overall mood, making you more open and receptive to a new possibility.  They also think love songs could prime you into a more romantic state, and lead you to look for these situations more and behave in a similar manner.  So if you’re single and at your favorite hangout, before approaching the person across the room you’ve been exchanging glances with, you might want to kick on something romantically charged like Michael Jackson or Al Green to up the chances of a receptive interaction!

The post How a Love Song Can Increase Your Chances of Getting a Date appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

One way alcohol can affect your dating agenda is by altering who you would normally approach or ask out on a date.  I’m sure most of you have heard the term “beer goggles,” but for those who haven’t, it’s the term for finding people more attractive than they really are after having a few drinks. 

Recent research has shown that the beer goggle phenomenon does actually exist.  Comparing individuals who were moderately or highly intoxicated to sober individuals, the researchers found that both moderately and highly intoxicated individuals rated pictures of the opposite sex to be significantly more attractive than sober individuals did.

More recently, alcohol has also been shown to affect how attractive you think you are.  Research by Bègue and colleagues found that people who drank alcohol, as well as people who thought they drank alcohol, rated themselves as more attractive than those who hadn’t had any beverages.  But this jump in attractiveness was not seen by anyone else.  Independent reviewers did not find these intoxicated (or think-they’re-intoxicated) people any more attractive than their sober counterparts.

So how can alcohol make or break you in the dating game?  The increased ratings of your own attractiveness can actually be a great thing.  If you’re feeling super attractive and on top of the world, your confidence levels are going to be just as high.  You’ll be more likely to approach that person you’ve had your eye on, and you’ll feel better about yourself while you do.  However, this could backfire.  Badly.  A few too many drinks, and you may suffer from “beer goggles” and approach and ask out someone you are not really attracted to, and may later regret it.

All in all, there is a fine line you should strive for when enjoying alcoholic drinks and trying to meet others, where you are loosened up, feel extra attractive and confident, but before your judgment is impaired.  As the “beer goggles” study showed, even moderately intoxicated people were shown to have an altered rating system in attractiveness.

Have you ever logged onto eHarmony after a few drinks?  Did you feel more confident in messaging your matches?

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Like what you read here? We suggest you also read the following:

Closing Time and Your Choice of a Wing-Man – Do people really get more attractive at the end of the night?  Probably not but your wing man can help!

How your attractiveness affects your perception of others – Have you ever been to a bar or other social hangout and been approached by someone who just doesn’t get the hint that you’re not interested? Why do we have such difficulty in accurately reading sexual cues from others?

The post How Alcohol Can Affect Your Quest for Love appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

This story made me think about how important first impressions can be, and what kinds of things can be telling so much about you without even knowing it.  Some recent research was interested in how limited non-interaction indicators, namely shoes, can reveal certain characteristics about people.  They found that observers, who were just shown pictures of people’s shoes, were able to accurately guess the person’s age, gender, and income, just based on a picture of their favorite kicks!  What was even more interesting, these observers were also able to accurately estimate the person’s level of attachment anxiety.

A person who has a high level of attachment anxiety needs to be noticed and be the center of attention constantly.  They need a strong level of reinforcement and are fearful of being abandoned.  The researchers suggest that people with high levels of attachment anxiety will wear shoes that are eye-catching and expressive of their own personalities, which will make them stand out more to others and they will receive the attention that they crave.  But most importantly, others can see through that!  Observers knew those who wore flashy, expressive shoes were more anxious in their attachments.

So before putting on your favorite shoes while getting ready for a date, you might want to keep in mind what kinds of things your shoes might be saying about you.

What are your favorite shoes to wear on a date?  What do you think they say about you?

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The post What Do Your Shoes Say About You? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

A recent study looked into the relationship between a person’s responsiveness to the feelings and needs of another and the amount of initial attraction felt towards that person, and found that overall, a responsive potential partner is more sexually desirable than an unresponsive partner.

However, when comparing the attraction to a responsive potential partner between men and women, the researchers found a key difference: men found responsive potential partners to be more sexually desirable, whereas women found responsive potential partners to actually be less sexually desirable.  So although everyone says they want a partner who understands and takes care of them, this isn’t necessarily true in the periods of initial attraction for women.  But what can these findings do for your dating life?

Women:  Be as kind as you can be to men.  But be sure you know what you’re saying with your kindness and responsiveness.  Men respond to it in a much different way than you do.  When men see your kindness and how responsive you are to them and their feelings, they can see it as a sign you want to be with them and eventually sleep with them.  If you’ve been crushing on a certain man in your life, show them how supportive and responsive you can be to them and their feelings and maybe they’ll see you in a different light.

Men:  It’s great that you consider yourself “a nice guy” and sensitive to a woman’s needs.  Seriously, keep that up or even work on strengthening it.  But, according to this study, don’t show that to a woman right off the bat.  Women do want to end up with a guy like you, but they’re not going to be sexually attracted to you right away.  Women could be mistaking your initial kindness and responsiveness for some type of ploy to get them into bed or even as desperation.  Try waiting just a bit to show them how attentive to their needs you can be.  Nice guys do end up winning, just not at first.

There has been plenty of research in the past showing that couples who are more responsive to one another are the most satisfied and strongest couples.  Being attentive to another’s feelings and needs is definitely an important part of a relationship and should be something you strive to be able to do for someone, just know how to use it in attracting potential dates.

Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

• Five Easy Ways to Have More Sex – Some of the easiest tactics you can do to boost your chances in the dating scene.
• Is He Generous or Does He Just Want to Have Sex? – Does a man show off his charity and generosity just to get with women?
• Trusting Your Partner Can Make You Live Longer – How can solid foundations of trust and responsiveness in a relationship decrease your chances of later physical ailments?

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The post No More Mister Nice Guy: A Guide to Attracting Partners appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Sounds like you weren’t properly listening- and boy can we catch you on that one.  Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to the feelings of another person, and in relationships it is often thought the better a partner is at being empathically accurate the better the relationship is for both partners.  This is probably obvious when she’s coming home to share happy news about her day- and empathizing with her makes both you and her feel good.  What about during an argument?  A very typical response is for women to express themselves and men to withdraw or tune out.  For some, the idea of knowing negative emotions is just too threatening.  While it might feel better not to understand the exact amount of negative emotion your woman is feeling, it does not speak well for the future of your relationship if you can’t make an effort.

In fact effort might be all that you need to make.  A new study out in the Journal of Family Psychology found that women who perceived their men as visibly trying to understand them (men who were high on empathic effort) during times of conflict were more satisfied in the relationship.  The key word here is effort: a woman’s satisfaction was more strongly related to her perception that her man was actually trying to understand her negative emotions than for the man’s actual accuracy in reading those emotions.  Accuracy played a bigger role in identifying positive emotions (in the obvious directions for both partners).   So, when she comes to you angry and wanting to express herself, don’t try to brush off the argument with a quick apology- overall it will be better for you both if you make an effort to understand her feelings.  Don’t worry about creating a Rembrantesque picture of her emotional canvas- going for a water color level of accuracy may be all that you need.  As long as your behavior emphasizes the intent and investment to understand you’ll be on a better path to repair and reconnection.

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Like this post?  Here are some others you might enjoy reading:

The Top Ten ‘Can’t Stands’ for Men using eHarmony. It turns out that men nominate their top ten ‘can’t stands’ (deal-breakers) almost identically, regardless of what part of the US (or Canada) they call home.

How does your first name influence your dating success?  The curse of Sheldon.   New research points out that having a negative first name hurts your chances in the world of online dating (and beyond).

How many times do you look at a profile before communicating? You see a profile that you like. Before you communicate, do you wait and take another look at the profile just to make sure?

The post Mind-reading: Yes, women want it. Here’s why you should try. appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Researchers at UC Berkeley are looking at just this kind of communication, labeled prosocial gossip, to see if it indeed is used in this way.  The study had participants watch individuals play a game where one person cheated in order to keep more money.  Their heart rate went up, and they felt an increase of negative feelings on behalf of the victim of the game.  Participants eagerly took the opportunity to warn (i.e. gossip with) future players of the cheater in the game.  It was only by gossiping that their heart rate went down and their negative feelings were ameliorated.  Gossip used in this way can help you decrease your feelings of injustice and safeguard those around you from potential harm.  Go ahead- write that negative review!  Warn others about that guy misusing the dating site!

Of course, not everyone gossips to protect others.  Sometimes it just feels good.  In fact, holding similar negative opinions towards a third party has been shown to bring strangers closer together.  Why?  When you share a lightly held negative belief with a stranger- and this belief is reciprocated- you feel like you know them better (and more than if you shared a similarly positive belief).  Have you ever been on a date and bonded over your mutual dislike of some restaurant, band, or movie star?  This is another type of gossip in action.  One reason why this might be a bonding situation is that sharing negative beliefs is somewhat of a risk- if it is not shared, people may want to distance themselves.

There are plenty of ways in which gossip can be destructive.  Gossiping with malicious intent or as a form of indirect aggression has damaging results.  However, there are some instances where gossip not only helps you physically and mentally, it helps others as well.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might like:

Does online dating level the playing field on attractiveness? Online dating should theoretically give individuals an even chance to appear attractive, since the text in their profile could help offset aesthetic deficiencies.  Is this idea true?

Psst!  Listen to this:Go ahead and gossip – turns out some gossip may be good for our relationships.

To text or Not to Text: Dating and your Cell phone: When you are starting a new relationship, how should you use your phone? Should you call or text them? What kind of underlying signals are you sending along with your text message?

The post Gossip can be good for you (when it’s not about you) appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

How important is touch in our lives?

Physical contact can be so powerful that it can cause us to view people as more favorable, even if we don’t remember being touched by them.  We are more likely to tip more, buy products, oblige favors, and feel comfort if we are touched during these situations- however slight it may be.  Touch is fundamental to how we understand the world, and even provides us our first lessons in loving through cuddling we receive as newborns. New research shows that it is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves.

Researchers from Sweden recently looked at how the brain processes sensual contact.  Participants underwent MRI scans while their arms were stroked with a brush.   The brain responded in a region specific for social interactions and strongest when the stroke was slow (like a caress). Surprisingly, volunteers that were instructed to watch videos of people having their arms being caressed had the same kind of brain activation.  They concluded not only that the brain is able to distinguish sensual touch from other kinds of (nonromantic) touch, but also that watching sensual skin contact can make observers experience the emotional meaning of the touch without actually feeling the touch directly.

How does touch function in dating relationships?

Touching is tied to several components of healthy relationship functioning.  It is used in a variety of ways: to communicate affiliation in courtship, symbolize commitment, initiate physical intimacy or provide emotional comfort (to name a few).  In can also affect our health and stress level: those who report a history of receiving hugs often from their partner have lower blood pressure than those without that same history. Those that are aversive to touch have been linked to high levels of neuroticism, poor interpersonal skills, and lower self-esteem.  Individuals who are uncomfortable engaging in touching may also have trouble communicating their emotions.

The research above looks at social, sensual contact that is not overtly sexual.  Considering that the effects of watching some romantic behavior can activate the brain the same way as participating in the behavior, when would the bystanders most often see this kind of touching?  One way is through public displays of affection.  Are their certain stages of a relationship were public touch is more prevalent?   Previous research has found that couples who were in the intermediate stages of a relationship (committed, marriage bound but not yet married) were more likely to show their affection publicly than those who were dating casually or already married.   This usually amounted to more displays that communicated commitment, not necessarily necking or heavy petting (so that obnoxious couple at the table next to you making out profusely is not the kind we are talking about here).  Surprisingly, all forms of touch (both public and private) increases through each stage of a relationship until marriage, after which perceptions of touch drop.  Men- but not women- perceive that their partner touched them less after they were married than when they were dating.

What happens to you when you see a public display of affection?  Do you get tense and resentful and maybe say “Get a room!”, or do you smile sheepishly, feeling more relaxed and somewhat nostalgic, as if you too have received a physical touch of affection?  At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?

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The post Touch, relationships and public displays of affection appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Of course not- although George benefits from us watching the rest of the movie.  Promises from loved ones come in all shapes- from nebulous ones about general behavior “I promise I’ll be nicer to your mother,” to concrete and specific tasks “I promise to call you on Friday,” and grand gestures “I’ll move across the country for you!”  Romantic promises have the instant benefit of making one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them.  One who is promised something gets an instant boost of positive feelings, and if that promise is kept the relationship is often strengthened.  The risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or flat out broken.  We have all come in contact with people who promise something with all the love and authenticity in their heart, and then completely forget about it the very next day.  What gives?

In the context of relationships, people tend to let their feelings get the better of them when it comes to promising.  Research shows that people who feel most for their partner make promises more often and with more ambition, but are not any better at keeping them.  The feelings direct the motivation and the size of the promise (i.e., the more love they felt, the more ambitious the promise became), but not the follow-through.  George’s promise to lasso the moon indicates that he really loves Mary; making grand gestures to secure her love in return. In reality, this may look like your partner promising to pick up the dry cleaning, get groceries, and deposit those checks all before returning home.  However, once a promise is said, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior.

People in love often lead with their feelings but not their follow-through.  There might be an expectation of an ambitious and purposefully difficult promise in order to prove that love.  While everyone might be good at feeling love and a desire to please their partner, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it).  Promises are comprised of two parts: verbal intent and task completion.  If someone is good at being responsive but not great with self-discipline they may not be able to fulfill their promises.  In other words a person sincerely full of love might frequently over-promise and under-deliver.  In a strange way, those that feel more for their partner might actually let them down and endanger the relationship more often.

What this means is that one cannot judge their partner’s love necessarily based on their ability to fulfill promises.  In fact, it may be the case that your partner’s love may be fueling your partner to over-promise and let you down.  Well-meaning individuals typically promise more to their romantic other than what they can actually complete.

How have loved ones broken promises (both big and small)?  Were you able to give them the benefit of the doubt or did it erode your relationship?

The post Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In the Beginning, there was the illusion of perfection

A burgeoning relationship (which I define as the first three months) is so filled with infatuation and (for some) physical interaction that it’s natural to feel the overwhelming positive wave that comes with the hope that the right person has finally arrived.  We push aside- or don’t ever see- some of their faults, and vault up their strengths to a label that sounds a lot like perfection.  We idealize.  We put on rose-colored-glasses of love, or what psychologists refer to as “positive illusions.”

Is this bad?  Not always, but for couples where the reality of the partner’s wants, needs, and behaviors is a gulf-wide difference to their idealized form, this spells trouble.  When this “perfect” partner is paired with a fairytale level of extremely high romantic beliefs, the inevitable disillusionment and disappointment might be too much to handle.

Fairytale beliefs about love lead to quick burnout in reality

What are some examples of fairytale romanticism?

Love can overcome any obstacle.  AKA: Love is all you need.  Turns out supportiveness, responsiveness, fidelity, communication, financial security and manageable stress (to name a few) are just as important to the success of a relationship.

There is only one ideal partner for me.  AKA: Soulmates.  This belief is a great way to turn yourself into a neurotic mess by 35.  There are many compatible relationship partners for someone out in the world.

True relationships are perfect, and so is my partner.  As it turns out, all humans have faults.  How couples handle each other’s shortcomings is vital to the success of their relationship.  Denying the presence faults might be the worst way to deal.

Does love feel the same to everyone?  Read about two more fairytale beliefs- and how to address them- here.

The post ‘We’re so in love, we’ll work it out’ and other Dating Myths appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

But do you follow your own advice?  Knowing the right thing to do in relationships and actually choosing to do it are not always tied together.   A recent study had participants reading choose your own adventure-type dating scenarios and to pick either a relationship-enhancing or a relationship-worsening outcome.

Here is an example of a hypothetical vignette referencing support:

Your grandmother is hospitalized and you are upset. Do you:

(a) Discuss this with your partner to get it off your chest

(b) Not mention the incident; it might ruin the night

Participants were asked to either choose which option was better through each vignette, or play the reading game by indicating which option they would choose. The results highlighted what many of us have to begrudgingly admit: we often know what to do in a relationship and do something different when it’s us in the scenario.  It’s akin to snoozing instead of exercising, eating fries instead of the salad, or “forgetting” to call your mom back. Thinking your “life experience” might help you?  Not so fast: individuals who were high in relationship knowledge were the best at knowing what to do, but that didn’t help them choose the better option.   By the way, the answer to the above was ‘A.’

So what gives?  What makes us better spectators at relationships than participants?  Read why, here.

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The post Do you follow your own relationship advice? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.