“Women often need to do nothing to promote a sexual encounter. Simply existing in time and space and being naked under their clothes is often enough to trigger approach attempts by men.” -D. Symons

Walk into any bar, coffee shop, bookstore, DMV, etc., etc.: anywhere men and women intermingle, there will be flirting.  The tendency for men and women to flirt with each other is widely accepted (and expected!) as a means of initiating romantic relationships.  Just exactly how we engage each other to communicate our romantic interests, however, allows more room for debate.  Who should make the first move?  Does flirting with someone always mean “I’m interested”?  Does a “one-night stand” flirt differently than someone interested in a long-term relationship?  And, given all the different ways there are to flirt, how much can you really determine about the flirter’s potential?

According to a recent study, you can learn quite a bit, including someone’s personality, attitudes and beliefs about courtship, self-presentation tendencies, and even past relationship behaviors.  Researchers developed the “Flirting Styles Inventory” to identify the individual differences in the communication of romantic interest (Hall, Carter, Cody, & Albright, 2010).  Specifically, they identified 5 distinct flirting styles…

Click here to see what your flirting style says about you.

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A phenomenon coined “mate choice copying,” in which an animal is more likely to select a mate previously chosen by another, has been observed in a variety of nonhuman species.  From an evolutionary perspective, copying another’s mate may act as a shortcut by which the costs of active mate assessment (like time, energy, and predation risk) are diminished while also improving the mating outcome; choosing a mate who has previously mated with another helps ensure that an individual less experienced in selecting a mate will indeed mate successfully.

As humans, our tendency to copy others’ choices has been well documented by researchers across a variety of human activities, including fashion decisions, business strategies, “copycat” crimes, and, yes, restaurant orders.  Recently, mate copying has been further indicated in human mating, as humans are particularly skilled at incorporating the social cues of others as a means of determining their intentions and attitudes (Jones, DeBruine, Little, Burriss, & Feinberg, 2007).  Subtleties such as one person’s proximity to another, their facial expression, or a slight gaze potentially relay a wealth of information regarding the value of an unknown individual before you even learn their name.  Given the highly ambiguous nature of social dating, in which it seems utterly impossible to size-up every potential partner you see, mate copying may allow our already-overworked brains just the shortcut they need.

This is especially true for women, as their ideal mate preferences are influenced by those factors that best indicate that a man will be able and willing to stick around and invest in herself and her offspring, like his socioeconomic status, career, and social dominance.  Unfortunately, many of these qualities cannot be determined simply by giving a man a good onceover, and instead women must employ other means of assessing a potential mate’s value (unless Sally is around to offer her screaming approval).

So how has the female species adapted to differentiate the good guys from the bad ones with just a glance?  Read more to find out…

The post I’ll Have What She’s Having (but only if she’s good looking) appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Should I “play hard to get?”

If you are a woman, surveys say yes. These studies have found that women who are physically attractive, appear healthy and youthful, and are “hard to get” correlates with them being reproductively valuable to men. In other words, “playing hard to get” is a tactic used by women that show men that they are something to be valued and therefore are more desirable to men.

Women who “play hard to get” give the appearance that they are more selective in choosing a mate and will not just date (or for that matter mate) just any guy. We know from earlier blogs how high-maintenance women use this tactic in spades. This theory suggests that “playing hard to get” functions to test a man’s motivation, ability to invest resources (time, money, effort, etc.), and/or a sign of his fidelity. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that “playing hard to get” is a beneficial tactic for women to use.

But what about men, should they play hard to get?

A new study by Whitchurch , Wilson, and Gilbert (2011) on uncertainty and romantic attraction would also say affirmative. They found that women were most attracted to men when they were uncertain of whether these men liked them in return. In this study, the researchers told the women that men from different universities rated their Facebook profiles. The researchers informed the women that they were rated based on the degree to which the men thought they would get along with each woman (but what the women did not know was that these men and their Facebook profiles were fictitious). The women in this study were either told that the four male profiles they were examining were men that liked them best, liked them an average amount, or in the uncertain condition (which meant that the men either liked them the best or liked them an average amount, and the women were unaware of what the men had rated them).

The study found that the women were most attracted to the men when they did not know how they were rated (aka the uncertain condition). Also the women in the uncertain condition reported thinking about the men the most and it is suggested that this enhanced their attraction toward these men. It is proposed that the reason for this increased attraction is that the women might have spent more time thinking about these men and wondering how the men felt about them. This study suggests that men who create a sense of uncertainty (kept the woman they are dating guessing about how they feel about them), can actually increase that woman’s interest.

So what does this mean for me in the dating world?

It means that if you are a woman you can maximize the chances of getting into a relationship by valuing your self-worth and “playing hard to get.” You can do this by not being overly available and having (or just appearing to have) other male options. For men, it means that you should not immediately tell the woman you are dating that you like her and leave your feelings about her a mystery for awhile. By leaving your feelings a mystery she may think about you more and therefore be more attracted to you. Of course if both women and men play too hard to get then there will be no chance of anyone getting together. So please “play hard to get” responsibly.

Further Reading:

Buss, D.M. (1988). The evolution of human intrasexual competition: Tactics of mate attraction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54 (4), 616-28 PMID: 3367282

Walster, E., Walster, G., Piliavin, J., & Schmidt, L. (1973). “Playing hard to get”: Understanding an elusive phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 26 (1), 113-121 DOI: 10.1037/h0034234

Whitchurch, E.R., Wilson, T.D., & Gilbert, D.T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not . . . “: uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22 (2), 172-175 PMID: 21169522 DOI: 10.1177/0956797610393745

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