Sounds like you weren’t properly listening- and boy can we catch you on that one.  Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to the feelings of another person, and in relationships it is often thought the better a partner is at being empathically accurate the better the relationship is for both partners.  This is probably obvious when she’s coming home to share happy news about her day- and empathizing with her makes both you and her feel good.  What about during an argument?  A very typical response is for women to express themselves and men to withdraw or tune out.  For some, the idea of knowing negative emotions is just too threatening.  While it might feel better not to understand the exact amount of negative emotion your woman is feeling, it does not speak well for the future of your relationship if you can’t make an effort.

In fact effort might be all that you need to make.  A new study out in the Journal of Family Psychology found that women who perceived their men as visibly trying to understand them (men who were high on empathic effort) during times of conflict were more satisfied in the relationship.  The key word here is effort: a woman’s satisfaction was more strongly related to her perception that her man was actually trying to understand her negative emotions than for the man’s actual accuracy in reading those emotions.  Accuracy played a bigger role in identifying positive emotions (in the obvious directions for both partners).   So, when she comes to you angry and wanting to express herself, don’t try to brush off the argument with a quick apology- overall it will be better for you both if you make an effort to understand her feelings.  Don’t worry about creating a Rembrantesque picture of her emotional canvas- going for a water color level of accuracy may be all that you need.  As long as your behavior emphasizes the intent and investment to understand you’ll be on a better path to repair and reconnection.

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Like this post?  Here are some others you might enjoy reading:

The Top Ten ‘Can’t Stands’ for Men using eHarmony. It turns out that men nominate their top ten ‘can’t stands’ (deal-breakers) almost identically, regardless of what part of the US (or Canada) they call home.

How does your first name influence your dating success?  The curse of Sheldon.   New research points out that having a negative first name hurts your chances in the world of online dating (and beyond).

How many times do you look at a profile before communicating? You see a profile that you like. Before you communicate, do you wait and take another look at the profile just to make sure?

The post Mind-reading: Yes, women want it. Here’s why you should try. appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Researchers at UC Berkeley are looking at just this kind of communication, labeled prosocial gossip, to see if it indeed is used in this way.  The study had participants watch individuals play a game where one person cheated in order to keep more money.  Their heart rate went up, and they felt an increase of negative feelings on behalf of the victim of the game.  Participants eagerly took the opportunity to warn (i.e. gossip with) future players of the cheater in the game.  It was only by gossiping that their heart rate went down and their negative feelings were ameliorated.  Gossip used in this way can help you decrease your feelings of injustice and safeguard those around you from potential harm.  Go ahead- write that negative review!  Warn others about that guy misusing the dating site!

Of course, not everyone gossips to protect others.  Sometimes it just feels good.  In fact, holding similar negative opinions towards a third party has been shown to bring strangers closer together.  Why?  When you share a lightly held negative belief with a stranger- and this belief is reciprocated- you feel like you know them better (and more than if you shared a similarly positive belief).  Have you ever been on a date and bonded over your mutual dislike of some restaurant, band, or movie star?  This is another type of gossip in action.  One reason why this might be a bonding situation is that sharing negative beliefs is somewhat of a risk- if it is not shared, people may want to distance themselves.

There are plenty of ways in which gossip can be destructive.  Gossiping with malicious intent or as a form of indirect aggression has damaging results.  However, there are some instances where gossip not only helps you physically and mentally, it helps others as well.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might like:

Does online dating level the playing field on attractiveness? Online dating should theoretically give individuals an even chance to appear attractive, since the text in their profile could help offset aesthetic deficiencies.  Is this idea true?

Psst!  Listen to this:Go ahead and gossip – turns out some gossip may be good for our relationships.

To text or Not to Text: Dating and your Cell phone: When you are starting a new relationship, how should you use your phone? Should you call or text them? What kind of underlying signals are you sending along with your text message?

The post Gossip can be good for you (when it’s not about you) appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In the Beginning, there was the illusion of perfection

A burgeoning relationship (which I define as the first three months) is so filled with infatuation and (for some) physical interaction that it’s natural to feel the overwhelming positive wave that comes with the hope that the right person has finally arrived.  We push aside- or don’t ever see- some of their faults, and vault up their strengths to a label that sounds a lot like perfection.  We idealize.  We put on rose-colored-glasses of love, or what psychologists refer to as “positive illusions.”

Is this bad?  Not always, but for couples where the reality of the partner’s wants, needs, and behaviors is a gulf-wide difference to their idealized form, this spells trouble.  When this “perfect” partner is paired with a fairytale level of extremely high romantic beliefs, the inevitable disillusionment and disappointment might be too much to handle.

Fairytale beliefs about love lead to quick burnout in reality

What are some examples of fairytale romanticism?

Love can overcome any obstacle.  AKA: Love is all you need.  Turns out supportiveness, responsiveness, fidelity, communication, financial security and manageable stress (to name a few) are just as important to the success of a relationship.

There is only one ideal partner for me.  AKA: Soulmates.  This belief is a great way to turn yourself into a neurotic mess by 35.  There are many compatible relationship partners for someone out in the world.

True relationships are perfect, and so is my partner.  As it turns out, all humans have faults.  How couples handle each other’s shortcomings is vital to the success of their relationship.  Denying the presence faults might be the worst way to deal.

Does love feel the same to everyone?  Read about two more fairytale beliefs- and how to address them- here.

The post ‘We’re so in love, we’ll work it out’ and other Dating Myths appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

***

Scene: Halloween party: two nerds dressed in ridiculous outfits:

Him: Are you seeing anyone else?

Me: No.  Are you?

Him:  Ah- no.  Of course not.

-pause-

Him: So, can I call you my girlfriend now?

Me: Sounds good.  Let’s get another drink!

***

Clearly this wasn’t our best, most romantic conversation ever.  But by the time we got around to officially rubber-stamping the boyfriend/girlfriend titles into our relationship, I already thought we were exclusive.

What are clues that someone can use to verify their relationship is serious- without “the conversation”?

A recent study looked at dating rituals that would need to happen in order for daters to consider a relationship exclusive:

• Attending social activities together:  Sure, this one seems obvious- and over 90% of their sample listed it as their top choice.  I mention it only because in the world of online dating, people can spend a lot of time talking to each other online before they ever meet.  This may give daters the illusion that their relationship is already serious before a date has even occurred!  If that date doesn’t work out, partners might feel more confused and rejected than they would have otherwise if so much time had not been spent communicating online.  Just remember, it isn’t serious until you are consistently seeing each other face-to-face.

• Hanging out with his/ or her friends:  Clearly if you are going to parties or other events and meeting your partner’s friends, this person feels confident in being seen with you.  They are sending out a visual signal to their social group that they are potentially off the market. If the friends already knew of you before you were introduced, even better.  This ranked especially high with Caucasians.
• Hanging out with his/her family members:  Think of the pressure!  For many the family represents a litmus test for the relationship.  Siblings may also be best friends.  If you are hanging out with the family, there is a good chance this partner thinks the relationship is serious.  Interestingly, this choice ranked higher for African Americans than Caucasians.
• Dressing up and going out: Are you going out on official dates to places that require reservations and menus, or are you still in the meet-up-for-coffee club?  Have you gone outside, or do you always seem to stay in and cook/order food?  Do you start the night together, or do you only get a phone call right around the time a bartender yells “last call?”  Think about where (and when) you spend your time together, and you’ll get a sense of how seriously it’s being considered.
• Buying gifts:  This wasn’t high up on the list, but it stood out for men: if they were buying the lady a gift (especially an expensive one), they were more likely to consider the relationship serious.  However, this wasn’t equally true for the ladies!  A gift doesn’t make you exclusive. Consider an affordable option next time you start seeing someone near the holidays.
• Sex:  No one reported that sexual intimacy by itself would indicate exclusivity, but sex was considered valued in a serious relationship.  Men were more likely than women to consider sex necessary for an exclusive relationship; the researchers point out this might have been more of men’s opinion about the importance of sex as a component of a serious relationship, not an accurate marker of one.

Keep in mind that all of these components need to be happening in constellation with each other.  Don’t assume because one is happening that you have the golden ticket for exclusivity.  While it’s always best to confirm that your feelings about the relationship are mutual, taking notice of these signs will help you feel more confident that the relationship is progressing in the desired direction.

Further Reading:

Jackson, P.B., Kleiner, S., Geist, C., & Cebulko, K. (2011). Conventions of courtship: Gender and race differences in the significance of dating rituals. Journal of Family Issues, 32 (5), 629-652. DOI:10.1177/0192513X10395113

The post When do you know if your relationship is exclusive (without asking)? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“Women often need to do nothing to promote a sexual encounter. Simply existing in time and space and being naked under their clothes is often enough to trigger approach attempts by men.” -D. Symons

Walk into any bar, coffee shop, bookstore, DMV, etc., etc.: anywhere men and women intermingle, there will be flirting.  The tendency for men and women to flirt with each other is widely accepted (and expected!) as a means of initiating romantic relationships.  Just exactly how we engage each other to communicate our romantic interests, however, allows more room for debate.  Who should make the first move?  Does flirting with someone always mean “I’m interested”?  Does a “one-night stand” flirt differently than someone interested in a long-term relationship?  And, given all the different ways there are to flirt, how much can you really determine about the flirter’s potential?

According to a recent study, you can learn quite a bit, including someone’s personality, attitudes and beliefs about courtship, self-presentation tendencies, and even past relationship behaviors.  Researchers developed the “Flirting Styles Inventory” to identify the individual differences in the communication of romantic interest (Hall, Carter, Cody, & Albright, 2010).  Specifically, they identified 5 distinct flirting styles…

Click here to see what your flirting style says about you.

The post What Type of Flirt Are You? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

See the two shapes above? Which is a bouba and which is a kiki?

If you are like an estimated 98% of the rest of the world, you would say that the image to the left is a “kiki” and the image to the right is a “bouba.”

In 2001, USCD psychologist Vilayanur Ramachandran presented these shapes to both American and Indian populations. Similar to the original research of this subject (Köhler, 1929; 1947), Ramacharndran found that almost the entire sample responded the same way, in that they assigned the image with the jagged edge as a “kiki”, and the image with the rounded edges as a “bouba.”

Why do most people respond this way?

Presumably, subjects tend to map the name “kiki” onto the figure on the left because the of the sharp inflection in both the pointy drawing and the harsh sound of the word, “kiki.” Similarly, the rounded shaping of the edges of the image on the right makes it more like the rounded auditory inflection of “bouba.” Ramachadran theorizes that the human brain is somehow able to extract abstract properties from shapes and sounds.

Click here to learn more about why this research is important to understanding empathy and how it impacts your relationship.

The post Where does your empathy come from? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

One such way that is gaining empirical traction is practicing acceptance, especially with the help of a therapist trained in Integrative Behavior Couple Therapy (Christensen & Jacobson, 2000). Acceptance is defined as coming to terms with the unpleasant things about the other. This concept is deeper than just tolerance, but not as intense as forgiveness. This type of intervention isn’t set on changing the frequency of perceived negative behavior. It is a process by which one lets go of those things that they wish were different. By learning and practicing acceptance, couples can change the way they think and react to previously unacceptable behaviors.

Recent research finds that the emotional reaction to the perceived incompatibility is more upsetting and harmful than the differences themselves (South, Doss, & Christensen 2010). Focusing solely on change can be a trap for couples, since it naturally pits individuals against each other. Many couples get locked into a pattern of distress, since partners tend to reciprocate negative behaviors more than positive ones, thereby creating a cycle of destruction. And the frequency of positive and negative relationship behaviors between partners is a critical determinant of marital distress (Cordova, Jacobson & Christensen, 1998).

Researchers have found that one’s own behavior, either positive or negative, seems in part to be a function of the acceptability of the other partner’s behavior, and not just an appraisal of the relationship as a whole. In other words, many of couples practice a tit-for-tat behavior exchange- and this gets them into trouble when all the behaviors are judged as negative and the acceptance of those negative behaviors are low. Acceptance interventions help to break the repetitive cycle of negative, hurtful blame and behavior.

Express soft emotions first: This doesn’t mean whisper, or skirting around the issue. Certain emotions can evoke more constructive reactions from partners than others. There is greater potential for partners to feel close to one another despite their issues when “soft” emotions such as hurt, loneliness, insecurity, fear, desire, or love are expressed. Soft emotions are more likely to evoke empathy and emotional closeness, as well as willingness to work on potential problems.

On the other hand, “hard” emotional expressions are accusatory, and communicate hostile anger, contempt, and intolerance. When seen in clinical practice they often leave the other partner feeling defensive and resentful- and more likely to respond in kind. Clinicians have long theorized that the longer couples remain angry and polarized, the more motivated they are to fight rather than solve problems.

Detach yourself from the emotion in the problem: It helps to talk about the problem away from its context; away from the emotional heat. Talking about the problem instead of engaging in the problem directly may give partners a way to reframe the problem as a common enemy that they can tackle together. Think of it as an intellectual analysis instead of a screaming crying cage-match. One way to do this is to talk about the issue as if you are a window-shopper, looking in from the outside. The more partners can discuss their problems without blaming and struggling against each other, the more they may be able to understand how this issue impacts all those involved.

Try to see the upside: Partners might become so entrenched in a perspective that the potential positives it has to the relationship are missed. Is it possible that a partner’s saving practices provided a safety net during a job loss? Do another partner’s spending habits provide much needed stress outlets in the form of vacations or fun shared activities? Thinking about what the behavior provides to the relationship as a whole might increase its acceptance.

Practice unresentful self-care: There are some realities to a relationship such as a certain job schedule or set of in-laws that are not likely to change and exceptionally hard to accept. In those cases, practicing self-care may be the best option. For example, if your partner has to work a late-night shift as part of her job, instead of getting angry because you’re home alone, come up with an alternative activity that satisfies your needs without blaming your partner.

Learning how to practice acceptance might be extremely difficult if couples are constantly seeing red. It may be best in those cases to learn how acceptance can work with the help of a therapist. It’s important to note that acceptance may not be recommended for every situation a couple encounters, especially infidelity, substance abuse, and partner violence.

More information about Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy can be found here including resources, articles, and therapist referrals.

Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N. (2000). Reconcilable differences. New York: Guilford Press.

Cordova, J.V., Jacobson, N.J., &Christensen, A. (1998) Acceptance versus chance interventions in behaviors couple therapy: Impact on couples’ in-session communication. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 24, 437-455.

Dimidjian, S., Martell, C.R., & Christensen, A. (2008). Integrative behavioral couple therapy. In A.S. Gurman (ed.) Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp.73- 103). New York; Guilford Press.

South, S.C., Doss, B.D., &Christensen, A. (2010). Through the eyes of the beholder: The mediating role of relationship acceptance in the impact of partner behavior. Family Relations, 59, 611-622.

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