One way alcohol can affect your dating agenda is by altering who you would normally approach or ask out on a date.  I’m sure most of you have heard the term “beer goggles,” but for those who haven’t, it’s the term for finding people more attractive than they really are after having a few drinks. 

Recent research has shown that the beer goggle phenomenon does actually exist.  Comparing individuals who were moderately or highly intoxicated to sober individuals, the researchers found that both moderately and highly intoxicated individuals rated pictures of the opposite sex to be significantly more attractive than sober individuals did.

More recently, alcohol has also been shown to affect how attractive you think you are.  Research by Bègue and colleagues found that people who drank alcohol, as well as people who thought they drank alcohol, rated themselves as more attractive than those who hadn’t had any beverages.  But this jump in attractiveness was not seen by anyone else.  Independent reviewers did not find these intoxicated (or think-they’re-intoxicated) people any more attractive than their sober counterparts.

So how can alcohol make or break you in the dating game?  The increased ratings of your own attractiveness can actually be a great thing.  If you’re feeling super attractive and on top of the world, your confidence levels are going to be just as high.  You’ll be more likely to approach that person you’ve had your eye on, and you’ll feel better about yourself while you do.  However, this could backfire.  Badly.  A few too many drinks, and you may suffer from “beer goggles” and approach and ask out someone you are not really attracted to, and may later regret it.

All in all, there is a fine line you should strive for when enjoying alcoholic drinks and trying to meet others, where you are loosened up, feel extra attractive and confident, but before your judgment is impaired.  As the “beer goggles” study showed, even moderately intoxicated people were shown to have an altered rating system in attractiveness.

Have you ever logged onto eHarmony after a few drinks?  Did you feel more confident in messaging your matches?

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Like what you read here? We suggest you also read the following:

Closing Time and Your Choice of a Wing-Man – Do people really get more attractive at the end of the night?  Probably not but your wing man can help!

How your attractiveness affects your perception of others – Have you ever been to a bar or other social hangout and been approached by someone who just doesn’t get the hint that you’re not interested? Why do we have such difficulty in accurately reading sexual cues from others?

The post How Alcohol Can Affect Your Quest for Love appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“I am only attracted to one type of guy (girl), and he (she) jerks me around.  What’s wrong with me?”

There are a lot of things that go into attraction and partner selection.  Often people find themselves in patterns of one type of partner that never turns out well.  We at eHarmony Labs have written about some of the interesting reason like interpersonal transference before but there are other potential reasons for why this happens.

You keep looking in the same places.

You can only find a partner from those people you meet.  It used to be that you were most likely to marry someone who lived within 3-4 blocks.  But because the same types of people tend to live in the same areas, and go to the same places it can mean you are only meeting a certain type of person.  Often people hang out in places where they are unlikely to find potential partners who are good relationship material.  For example, our own research has shown that partners who meet in bars, clubs, and social events tend to have relationships that are less satisfying and divorce at a higher rate.  So if you keep looking for a partner in your local watering hole you are probably not going to meet anyone who is different.

You are looking at the wrong time.

Over the last 20-30 years the age of first marriage has been going up steadily in America.  People are getting more education and delaying marriage so they can become established in their own lives.  While this is changing the way Americans perceive marriage, most still want to and do get married.  What it means is that not everyone is quite ready to get married.  So if you are looking for someone to settle down with, and you are in your early to mid 20s, you may find a stream of potential partners who are busy finishing their advanced degrees and setting themselves up in their careers.  People still desire fulfilling long term relationships across all ages, but getting there may be a little different than in decades past.

You may be acting out a self-fulfilling prophecy

It may also be that you are going out with the same type of partner because of how you view yourself and what you expect in relationships.  We aren’t always aware of these expectations and they exert powerful influences on our behavior.  Often, we behave in a way that can make those expectations come true, even when it means a relationship will go badly.

Your attachment style is a good example.

Attachment style is the basic psychology of how we see ourselves and our partners in relationships.  Some people have a secure attachment style, which means they believe they are worthy of a good relationship and that close partners will treat them well.  Others have an avoidant attachment style.  They think that close partners are unlikely to treat them well, so close relationships should be avoided.  Finally, there are some who have an anxious attachment style.  They believe that they are unworthy of being treated well by romantic partner but want to be in a relationship.  Your attachment style is rooted all the way back to your childhood and as John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, said will impact you “from cradle to grave”.

Your attachment style is not just your expectations of a relationship.  Attachment also changes the way you act with a partner.  And you will act in a way that makes your expectations of a relationship come true.   For example, if a partner doesn’t call when they said they would, someone with a secure attachment style would most likely attribute it to bad circumstances “they must have gotten caught late at work” and would be quick to forgive that partner when they did call.  Someone with an anxious attachment style may worry that their partner has found someone else and be angry,  accuse their partner of cheating the next time they speak, or for proclamations of love or commitment beyond what the situation demands.  I go into more depth about this in my book “Dating the Second Time Around”.

These different behaviors change the way partners react.  The partner of a secure individual gets the message that they are trusted, and the relationship is solid enough that it can survive the minor transgression of not calling relatively easily.  This allows the relationship to grow stronger and more trusting.  The partner of an anxious individual may end up defensive and stressed trying to explain that not calling isn’t a reflection of his commitment or feelings toward the partner.  .  If this happens a lot, they may become so frustrated that they leave the relationship, which fulfills the expectation of the anxiously attached individual.

But it isn’t all doom and gloom.  Attachment styles can change over time.  When individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles get into secure relationships they tend to become more securely attached over time.  Moreover, as people gain more experience in relationships they also gain perspective on what makes up a good relationship and how to achieve it.  You can even do simple things to help your confidence in relationships or optimism.

There are many reasons why you may be dating the same type of person repeatedly.  If this is a dynamic you wish to break out of, look to meet people in a different place (on-line dating can help you expand your pool of potential partners), or who is in a stage of life that is ready to handle a relationship.  Once you meet this person, don’t rush the expectations for love (or the sex, for that matter).  If you find yourself in particularly destructive self-fulfilling prophecies you may consider getting professional help.  With these few steps, you will learn more about yourself and your relationship goals, giving you a better chance of finding someone better suited for you.

The post But the guys I date are always jerks! appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“Women often need to do nothing to promote a sexual encounter. Simply existing in time and space and being naked under their clothes is often enough to trigger approach attempts by men.” -D. Symons

Walk into any bar, coffee shop, bookstore, DMV, etc., etc.: anywhere men and women intermingle, there will be flirting.  The tendency for men and women to flirt with each other is widely accepted (and expected!) as a means of initiating romantic relationships.  Just exactly how we engage each other to communicate our romantic interests, however, allows more room for debate.  Who should make the first move?  Does flirting with someone always mean “I’m interested”?  Does a “one-night stand” flirt differently than someone interested in a long-term relationship?  And, given all the different ways there are to flirt, how much can you really determine about the flirter’s potential?

According to a recent study, you can learn quite a bit, including someone’s personality, attitudes and beliefs about courtship, self-presentation tendencies, and even past relationship behaviors.  Researchers developed the “Flirting Styles Inventory” to identify the individual differences in the communication of romantic interest (Hall, Carter, Cody, & Albright, 2010).  Specifically, they identified 5 distinct flirting styles…

Click here to see what your flirting style says about you.

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