I wrote a post for eHarmony back in August 2013 called How Dating’s Like Fishing: Hook, Line and Sinker. That post focused on the fact that if you always fish in the same pond, you are always going to be catching the same fish. It was about switching up your dating routine and finding new ways to meet new people.
I received a lot of great feedback from that article, and now feel compelled to take it one step further based on a conversation I had with a guy last week. This guy was pretty blunt, as he tends to be, in telling me, “There are no good women to date out there. All the good ones are married. All the single ones have issues, bring baggage, and have poor values.” I had to disagree! I started to tell him that he was wrong as I personally know many single women who I think are absolutely terrific. But then, I stopped myself! If I told him I knew all these great single women (women with great values, great personalities, great jobs, great morals, great energy, great looks) then he would want me to set him up with some of them. And, I had no interest in doing that whatsoever.
I had to think about that one. I love the idea of helping great men and women connect and find great friendship and/or true love! The fact that my first reaction to this guy was to keep my mouth shut about all my great single friends was clearly important. Why didn’t I want him to meet my friends? The truth is that I find him to be a bit smarmy and sleazy. He’s a bit too desperate. He’s a bit too arrogant. He’s a bit too rehearsed.
What does it say about a guy who is only looking for girlfriends at bars? Does he honestly expect to find the woman who meets his high standards hanging out at a bar every single Friday and Saturday night? He may find someone who appears interesting, but after a date or two, he said he would realize that she is not really what he is looking for. She didn’t “meet the spec.”
When he does meet someone he is interested in (he gave an example of a “perfect” woman he met at a work function and who was really centered, active in her church, and had a lot of great stuff going on in her life) he said they would go out on a few dates and then she would tend to back off and disappear. He said he would be brushed off and he wasn’t sure why. I had a few thoughts that I gently suggested. One, perhaps in his haste, eagerness, and delight at finding what he thought might be the “perfect” woman, had he come on too strong and scared her off? Two, perhaps while he was requiring a list of “values, morals, energy, looks” of his dates, they too had a list that he wasn’t measuring up to!?
Here’s the thing: looking for love requires you to know what you are looking for in someone else, but also (and perhaps more importantly) to know what you are projecting to other people! Would you want to date you? Are you the complete package? Would you want to bring you home to meet your friends and family?
That’s where my bait analogy comes in. What kind of bait are you using to attract the kind of dates you want? I’m not a fishing expert, but I do know that certain bait and certain kinds of lures are designed to attract certain kinds of fish. Know what kind of fish you are seeking, and use the right bait. Don’t think you are going to catch the perfect fish with a smelly, old worm! Don’t try to catch a bass with bait designed to catch a catfish. I have no idea if my fishing analogy makes sense to you, but it works for me!
At the end of the day, it’s not fair to make a blanket statement that “there are no good single women (or men) out there.” Perhaps instead of focusing on what we can’t control, we can turn the mirror around and take some personal accountability to look at what we are bringing as a potential date to a potential relationship.
What about you? Would you date you? If you met you, would you be impressed and want to learn more, or would you run for the hills as fast as you could? Would you set you up with your single friends?
Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” (2010) in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys, and “The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a better view” (2013) to provide perspectives on love, marriage, divorce and everything in between. The books are available on Amazon.com. Learn more at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.