eHarmony Blog http://www.eharmony.com/blog eHarmony experts’ take on dating, relationships and the science of love Thu, 23 Oct 2014 21:04:07 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Science Finds That Nice People Are Hot http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/23/science-finds-nice-people-hot/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/23/science-finds-nice-people-hot/#comments Thu, 23 Oct 2014 21:04:07 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=18034 A group of college students met on the first day of an architectural dig and were asked to rate each other’s physical attractiveness. Six weeks later, researchers asked them to re-evaluate. In this study, which was conducted by Kevin Kniffin and David Sloan Wilson, students were also asked to assess their classmates’ personality and character, […]

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nice equals more attractive1 300x224 Science Finds That Nice People Are HotA group of college students met on the first day of an architectural dig and were asked to rate each other’s physical attractiveness. Six weeks later, researchers asked them to re-evaluate.

In this study, which was conducted by Kevin Kniffin and David Sloan Wilson, students were also asked to assess their classmates’ personality and character, which turned out to have a substantial effect on their feelings about each individual’s physical appeal. For example, one woman received an “average” rating on the first day; after six weeks the other students found her lazy and uncooperative—and far less attractive than they did on day one. Meanwhile, another woman who was deemed to have below average looks at the start was considered very attractive by her peers at the end of the project, after they also saw that she was hard-working and congenial.

The finding isn’t really surprising—we all know that when we like someone’s personality we usually think they are cuter. And other studies have reached the same conclusion, as a recent piece in Scientific American notes.

But if you’re a woman, you might notice that these common sense findings fly in the face of a lot of dating advice. “Hard-working” and “cooperative” aren’t words we usually associate with feminine allure. Instead, women are often encouraged to attract men by being difficult, insisting that their dates book them far in advance and demanding the best tables and door-to-door pickup. We’re told to project an air of mystery by feigning unavailability and pretending not to care.

Meanwhile, nice women who pick up the phone because it rang and say yes to a last-minute date because it sounds like fun are told they are chumps, destined to be passed over for the divas.

Being elusive and difficult, we’re told, will empower us and make us seem more confident. The problem is, this kind of behavior actually reveals a supreme lack of confidence.

As University of Toronto professor Mari Ruti points out in her wonderful book, The Case For Falling in Love, there is nothing empowered about believing you need to manipulate and deceive in order to keep someone’s interest.

“Real self-possession is a matter of knowing that you have something precious to offer the right guy, and that you don’t need to pretend anything to attract that guy. Playing hard to get is a weak girl’s strategy. It’s a strategy you resort to when you’re not sure that you’re good enough as you are,” writes Ruti.

Sure some guys respond to the ice-queen act—but is that really the guy you want to be with?

If you’re helpful and easygoing, it would be a shame to change that to attract a man. The best guys will not only appreciate your temperament—they’ll think it’s hot.

About the Author:

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

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Online Dating: One Secret to Success http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/22/online-dating-one-secret-success/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/22/online-dating-one-secret-success/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2014 23:01:22 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=18002 How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience would have achieved success. — Elbert Hubbard I was talking to a lovely woman who works with me at eHarmony the other morning. She manages the customer care department, and deals with any and […]

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How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience would have achieved success. — Elbert Hubbard

online dating success 300x208 Online Dating: One Secret to SuccessI was talking to a lovely woman who works with me at eHarmony the other morning. She manages the customer care department, and deals with any and all issues regarding customer accounts, etc. I asked her what the most common complaint was for people using our service. Her response was not what I expected: “People want us to deliver the perfect match to them immediately. They get really disappointed if they have not seen anyone they are interested in — even after just a week or two on the site. So I would say the biggest issue is a lack of patience.”

I have to admit; I wondered how people could have such an expectation (then realized this was the perfect blog topic!).

In today’s world, we are very spoiled by the ability to pretty much have anything we want almost instantaneously. Love the lipstick Jennifer Lopez wore the other night? Just go to Us Weekly and you can find out where to snap it up. In three days, it arrives at your doorstep. Love a song you hear while out to dinner? Just tap your Shazam app, and you can download it in about 5 minutes. Want a date for the night? Yes, there are apps for that as well. You get my point.

As you likely know, eHarmony is really about pairing you up with someone you can have a lasting, quality relationship with. This is by no means the equivalent to purchasing anything else online. Our research team, which consists of social scientists and PhD’s, are constantly working to learn more about what equals a successful relationship. The research takes months, sometimes years, and the data is then added into the matching mix (to put it simply!). They are also able to learn valuable information from eHarmony itself – like what type of person will be more likely to communicate with another type of person; they then can deliver more matches based on those findings.

What I am saying is that there is an extremely complex organization running behind the scenes here, with one ultimate goal: to find you the best match possible. It’s not easy. It’s not simple. It’s a process for us, and for you.

If you can try to remind yourself that it is absolutely worth it to have some patience when looking for the love of your life – that would be an amazing takeaway. I have personally met many eHarmony success couples the past six years I’ve worked here, and many of them were on the site (patiently) for 6 months to a year. It always strikes me how incredibly happy they are.

Patience is the companion of wisdom. — St. Augustine

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Franny Agnes Lee: Back in the Dating Mix http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/22/franny-agnes-lee-back-dating-game/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/22/franny-agnes-lee-back-dating-game/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2014 17:11:06 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17992 Franny took a little break from dating, which is highly understandable given all of her misadventures. Never one to give up, though, she and her faithful sidekick Caffeine return and get all dressed up for her latest evening out. Enjoy!   More Franny: See Franny’s summer date gone awry! Franny: Blind Date One Franny: Blind […]

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Franny took a little break from dating, which is highly understandable given all of her misadventures. Never one to give up, though, she and her faithful sidekick Caffeine return and get all dressed up for her latest evening out.

Enjoy!

Franny episode8 Franny Agnes Lee: Back in the Dating Mix

 

More Franny:

See Franny’s summer date gone awry!

Franny: Blind Date One

Franny: Blind Date Two

Franny: Blind Date Three

Franny: Blind Date Four

Franny: Blind Date Five

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Is it True Love, or Just Infatuation? http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/21/true-love-just-infatuation/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/21/true-love-just-infatuation/#comments Tue, 21 Oct 2014 22:28:40 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17983 It can be very hard to decipher the overwhelming feelings that come with meeting someone new. Relationship expert Aaron Kaplan breaks down the difference between love and infatuation in today’s guest blog. Written by Aaron Kaplan, YourTango It should be obvious that there are basic differences between being in love, infatuated, or just plain obsessed. […]

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It can be very hard to decipher the overwhelming feelings that come with meeting someone new. Relationship expert Aaron Kaplan breaks down the difference between love and infatuation in today’s guest blog.

Written by Aaron Kaplan, YourTango

obsessed or infatuated 300x192 Is it True Love, or Just Infatuation?It should be obvious that there are basic differences between being in love, infatuated, or just plain obsessed. Sadly, that is not always the case. Many people find themselves in relationships that they may think are loving when, in reality, it may just be an unhealthy infatuation.

Even when faced with the hard reality, it can be difficult to admit that you might just be more infatuated or obsessed than actually in love. Here are some signs that you might want to pay attention to:

You flake on responsibilities and commitments. This includes missing work, school or other important appointments because this person suddenly contacts you at the last minute wanting to go out with you on a particular date or time without any regard or consideration for your schedule or needs. When you miss commitments just to keep yourself available for this person, you may end up regretting your decision later on when you discover that this person no longer has room in their life for you.

You miss out on things that you love doing just to wait around, wondering if the object of your infatuation is going to call you. What you’re actually doing is putting your life on hold for another person. Now, this may be fine if you’re in a serious relationship or are married, but when this person has done nothing to show you that you mean much to them, it makes no sense for you to rearrange your life for this individual. You’re only missing out on a lot of fun by doing so.

Your friendships are taking a back seat to your obsession. When you’re obsessed with someone you are dating or someone that you WANT to date, you might find yourself ignoring your friends in favor of devoting all of your free time to the person you are infatuated with, and lusting after. Eventually, you might start driving your friends away from you because they sense that you are too self-absorbed in your own world, and are not making time for others.

If you notice any of these signs within yourself, think about how you may have lost your sense of perspective, and the bigger picture. Ask yourself; “What is the truth that I am not necessarily willing to acknowledge?” You’re not meant to stop living your life just in CASE someone decides to give you a call or suddenly shows up to take you to dinner. If it is necessary for you to always be available on the off chance that this person will call or want to go out on a date, then you may want to start asking yourself if you can really maintain your own sense of healthy individuality if you choose to develop a serious relationship with this person.

Do you truly want to be in a relationship with someone for whom the world revolves entirely around them? This is something that could cause negative long-term consequences if you allow it. That is why you may want to think very seriously about whether this is genuine true love, or just a temporary infatuation or obsession. You are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who genuinely wants to share their life with you, will be considerate of your time and needs, and will want to foster a relationship that is truly a co-equal partnership.

More at YourTango:

7 Ways Love Transforms Your Brain

15 Ways Guys Show Their Love Without Saying It

 7 Surefire Signs He Loves You

Here’s The Real Way To Tell If You’re In Love

10 Ways To Tell If He’s In Love With You

 

Originally posted on YourTango: 3 Signs You are Dangerously Obsessed with Your New Relationship

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‘Is He Taking it Slow, or Just Not That Into Me?’ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/16/taking-slow-just/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/16/taking-slow-just/#comments Thu, 16 Oct 2014 21:33:32 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17973 This is a story of girl meets boy. Girl and boy play email-text-phone tag, girl and boy eventually go on a date three weeks later. And the cycle begins again. Beth O’Donnell, who runs the Single and the Sweet Side of 40 blog, was introduced to a man at a networking party and the two […]

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how do i know if he is into me or not 300x224 ‘Is He Taking it Slow, or Just Not That Into Me?’This is a story of girl meets boy. Girl and boy play email-text-phone tag, girl and boy eventually go on a date three weeks later. And the cycle begins again.

Beth O’Donnell, who runs the Single and the Sweet Side of 40 blog, was introduced to a man at a networking party and the two discovered they had a lot in common, having both attended Catholic schools in the same Philadelphia neighborhood.

They decided to get together, but afterwards Beth realized she had forgotten to give the man her number. Fortunately he gave his card to their mutual friend and she emailed him two days later.

“I’d like to tell you I waited the nun-approved amount of time to contact him, but the truth is, I was blogging for Single and the Sweet Side of 40 and forgot,” O’Donnell wrote in a post for Singular City.

That’s when the scheduling back and forth began. It was three weeks before they went on the first date, and another three before they went on the second date.

“If I wasn’t so busy, this might bug me,” Beth wrote to me. “Instead, I kind of like the pace. Still, someone did tell me that ‘It’s clear he’s just not that into you or he would make time.’ It’s not clear to me but maybe I’m kidding myself. Or maybe I’m only as into him as he is into me and it doesn’t matter.”

But she also had a question: “When do you ‘call it’– when do you say, ‘he’s just not that into me’ vs. ‘grown-ups have lives and must adjust their schedules accordingly’?”

It’s an interesting question. What is the difference between calm and chill and just plain apathetic?

But as I read Beth’s note, I realized I was far more interested in how she felt than how he did. Because whatever the man’s feeling are in this scenario, Beth made it very clear that she had yet to lose her head.

This is something I notice women do a lot. We’re so afraid of being ‘the crazy girl’ or ‘the needy girl’ that we bend over backwards to let everyone know just how blasé we are.

And if that’s what’s going on, fine. Sometimes it’s nice to just go out to dinner with a man who has vaguely indecent intentions, regardless of what happens down the line. Even if you never fall in love, it’s still an opportunity to break out of your routine—to put on lipstick, see a new neighborhood, and try to like jazz.

But sometimes you need to let the crazy girl in. After all, there’s nothing level-headed or rational about falling in love—losing your mind is kind of the point.

Sure lots of people couple up for reasons other than blinding passion, and that’s fine for them. But if you are single on the sweet side of 40–or 30 for that matter–chances are you’re looking do more than make a sober choice based on whether or not you both like movies and the outdoors. You want some heat. And to get that, I think you have to let yourself go a little nuts.

So when do you call it? Well, when you feel like it. When a date with this person just doesn’t seem worth the drive, or the cab fare or the saxophone solo. When you feel twitchy because you’ve booked him on Homeland night.

If the fledging relationship is meh, of course bail. But first, ask yourself this: Is your lack of passion happening because you truly don’t feel much, or because you are afraid you might feel a lot?

About the Author:

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

Do you have a question for Sara? Go to saraeckel.com/contact and ask.

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How Baking Cookies Really Can Lead to Romance http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/15/baking-cookies-leads-romance/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/15/baking-cookies-leads-romance/#comments Wed, 15 Oct 2014 16:01:45 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17963 There really is truth to the idea of baking your way into a man (or woman’s!) heart. Scent and attraction is a really interesting area to explore — a lot of what we are into is so primal and subconscious. Professor of Psychology Thalma Lobel sent over her latest blog on this very subject — […]

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Sensation 207x300 How Baking Cookies Really Can Lead to RomanceThere really is truth to the idea of baking your way into a man (or woman’s!) heart. Scent and attraction is a really interesting area to explore — a lot of what we are into is so primal and subconscious. Professor of Psychology Thalma Lobel sent over her latest blog on this very subject — hope you enjoy — and then get baking tonight! It’s the perfect time of year to make some delish pumpkin bread. Just sayin’!

Written by Thalma Lobel

We all want to be loved and enjoy a satisfying relationship with a significant other. People go to great lengths to succeed in the dating world and find the right person. Websites and workshops offer important tips for first dates, some based on scientific studies and others on common sense. However, there are numerous other factors that affect our behaviors, feelings and judgments of others that we aren’t aware of. And knowledge of such factors can tip the scales in your favor.

In my previous articles and in my book Sensation: The New Science of Physical Intelligence , I discussed the powerful influence of the color red on sexual attraction. Today I want to talk about scents.

Scents are known to play a role in social interactions and in sexual attraction. Both men and women often wear perfumes in order to feel good about themselves and to be perceived as attractive. A recent study has shown that pleasant smells—not only perfumes—have an effect on our interactions.

One of the most well-liked aromas is that of freshly baked cookies or pastries and a fresh cup of coffee. Imagine yourself in a small café in Paris or near your home. You are seated there, enjoying a freshly baked croissant with a fresh cup of coffee. You might like this smell yourself, but did you know that it can actually enhance your interactions with others?

A recent study found that the smell of fresh-baked pastries enhances romantic interactions. In a study conducted by Nicolas Guéguen in a shopping mall, five young men were instructed to approach young women and ask for their telephone numbers. In all, four hundred women were approached. The potential suitors approached the women in two areas of the mall: areas with pleasant ambient scents, such as pastry shops, bakeries and cafes, or areas near stores with no particular scent (such as clothing stores). The results were amazing. A significantly higher number of women gave out their phone numbers to men when approached in areas with the pleasant smells.

So what does this mean for you? If you’re looking to attract the attention of another person, try to do so in a nicely scented environment. If you happen to be in a mall, look for the nearest bakery or fresh-brewed coffee establishment and take action there!

If you are already on a date, try going to a place that has a nice ambient scent such as a bakery or a café. And if you are dining in a nice restaurant, suggest hopping over to a place that has the seductive scents of fresh pastries.

About the Author:

Thalma Lobel’s book is titled Sensation: The New Science of Physical Intelligence. Lobel is a professor of psychology at Tel Aviv University at the school of Psychological sciences and the director of the Adler Center for Research in Developmental Psychology and Psychopathology. Her research focuses on gender differences and gender roles and on embodied cognition. Her work has been published in prestigious journals including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Developmental Psychology and Evolution and Human Behavior.

Lobel received her B.A, M.A in clinical Psychology and a Ph.D in psychology from Tel Aviv University. She did her post doctorate studies at Harvard University. Lobel was the chair of the psychology department, the Dean of students and a member of the executive board of Tel Aviv University.

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Life Advice: Throw Out the Scorecard http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/14/life-advice-throw-scorecard/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/14/life-advice-throw-scorecard/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 23:07:03 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17955 I recently attended a party where a man delivered a long, fairly hostile monologue about his wife’s poor driving skills, giving everyone in the room blow-by-blows of each fender bender and exacting details about how much her snafus had raised their car insurance premiums. His wife, a beautiful and good-natured doctor, didn’t seem to mind. […]

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dating advice three 300x181 Life Advice: Throw Out the ScorecardI recently attended a party where a man delivered a long, fairly hostile monologue about his wife’s poor driving skills, giving everyone in the room blow-by-blows of each fender bender and exacting details about how much her snafus had raised their car insurance premiums. His wife, a beautiful and good-natured doctor, didn’t seem to mind. She laughed along, but the rest of us were horrified.

“I guess it’s not so bad being single,” one woman said quietly.

Nearly every unattached person in the room seemed to be having the same thought.

When you’re struggling with being single—that is, trying to not be single—there is something reassuring about knowing the couples in your life might have just as many problems, albeit different ones.

It makes life feel less unfair. Okay she has beautiful twin daughters and a country house, but her husband is boring and her career is stalled. So sure dating sucks and I get lonely sometimes but I have lots of cool friends and an interesting career. So there.

Sometimes married friends play along, telling their single pals how much they envy their freedom and complaining about their spouses’ snoring. It can make everyone feel more comfortable to decide that the math balances out perfectly.

The problem is, this only works if the equation is balanced. But what do you do when the mother of adorable twins has a smart, funny husband and fascinating and well-paying job? What if you don’t have a thrilling career and glittery social life?

Then the bean-counting gets darker. If you’re committed to the fair-and-equal game, you’ll need to poke around a bit. Maybe that husband isn’t so terrific after all? Didn’t she mention something about an overbearing mother-in-law?

At that point, you’ve dipped your big toe into a vortex, one that could quickly have you swirling in a cesspool of bitterness, anger, and self-hatred. Take it from one who knows.

The funny thing is, it doesn’t feel that way at first. At first it feels … sort of good.

I remember going out for drinks with my single friends, doing our usual complaining about dating or, as the case often was, not dating. Someone would inevitably bring up a story of a miserable married friend. And everyone at the table would perk up a little bit. The conversation got a little more animated and we’d order another round and toast ourselves for having the strength and smarts to stay single.

Buddhist nun Pema Chodron likens this kind of chatter to scratching an itch: “It gives you short-term relief, but it also makes the poison spread.”

Even though we’re told as children that life isn’t fair, most of us can’t handle being in the one-down position. Studies have found that people will opt for a lower salary over a higher one, so long as they are still making more than their friends. We seemed to be hard-wired to not tolerate unfairness. One study found that even capuchin monkeys become outraged when confronted with unequally distributed grapes. The monkeys who got the shaft refused the grapes, and some even threw them back in the researchers’ faces.

And while we are told life is unfair, our culture usually sends out the opposite message: we all get what we deserve. This is presented as empowering (“You control your destiny!”) but the flip side is that if all your hard work and action plans don’t work out, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

So we try to equalize. Cataloging the flaws in other people’s lives is a way to assure ourselves we’re doing okay, despite our disappointments.

It’s certainly easier than contemplating the idea that someone else truly is having a better time.

I’m not saying your married friends are as happy as a car commerical—I’m saying who-the-heck-knows, and anyway it’s irrelevant.

Our life experiences are too complicated to be reduced to a scorecard. So instead of devoting all this energy to tallying those columns of numbers, why not relax into the fact that you actually have no idea what is going on with other people, and also that life is long and complicated and can turn on a dime.

About the Author:

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

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How to Meet People and Date When You Move to a New City http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/13/meet-people-date-move-new-city/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/13/meet-people-date-move-new-city/#comments Mon, 13 Oct 2014 16:46:11 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17943 With many jobs becoming more home-based, we’re reminded that not everyone has the luxury of meeting loads of prospective dates at work. If only! If you have moved to a new city or town, the best scenario is that you find a large group of people there in your age range who share the same […]

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how to meet someone after a move 300x200 How to Meet People and Date When You Move to a New CityWith many jobs becoming more home-based, we’re reminded that not everyone has the luxury of meeting loads of prospective dates at work. If only! If you have moved to a new city or town, the best scenario is that you find a large group of people there in your age range who share the same single relationship status. But most men and women who move to a new place will have to work hard to meet new people because they work from home, have a small office, or find that nearly everyone’s married at work. Ugh, right?

New to the city, the most important need is to establish connections. Don’t focus too much on dating when you first move somewhere because the truth is that what you probably need more are a few good friends. The indirect benefit: New friends mean new social circles you can join, so meeting a new friend may end up leading you to a new date. How do you do this, especially if you don’t necessarily have the energy or interest in putting yourself out there and slugging through the (sometimes) uncomfortable experience of meeting new people?

Simply put, you have to suck it up and do it. It’s like professional networking, which most people hate but do anyways because doing it brings a better chance that they’ll find what they’re looking for.

What to do:

Meet the people in closest proximity to you.

Whether you live in an apartment building or a house, your first goal should be to introduce yourself to each one of your neighbors (unless somebody seems too scary, creepy, or downright annoying). One of the best ways to ingratiate yourself to a neighbor is to bring them some sort of edible treat. If you’re a cook or baker, make a batch of deliciousness and drop the treats off in person; if you’re not someone to custom-wrap bags of cookies with bedazzled origami notes, buy a couple of cases of wine and start your friendly Alcohol Delivery Service. Who could say no to that, after all?

Carefully survey the social scene at several gyms.

I know, the gym isn’t a bar or restaurant, so it shouldn’t be treated like it is with everyone checking out everyone else – and not always working out so much. But that’s the inevitable reality when you get a group of people and put them in a space together: They start forming relationships. If you really want to meet new people, don’t just go to the gym that is cheapest or most convenient. Check out several gyms to see the type of people who hang out there, because driving five extra minutes or paying a little more each month might be worth it if it means you’re more likely to meet someone who could become a new friend or more.

Always, always try online dating as an option.

People are so busy these days that online dating is a reality that’s here to stay. Online dating is simply one of the best avenues you can choose to meet new people. We don’t need to beat this one to death.

One word: volunteer.

Of course, I always believe that my suggestions are pretty good. Let’s hope all those years of graduate school were good for something! But volunteering is my best suggestion for one obvious and one not-so-obvious reason. You will obviously meet new people – men and women – in any type of volunteering setting, but volunteering will also help you get to know your community better when you’re new to a city. Pick something you like or care about – anything from public parks to animal rescues, political campaigns to children’s charities – and you will inevitably start feeling a deeper connection and attachment to the city you now call home. These sorts of things root us in our lives, and feeling rooted and connected usually leads to feeling happier.

Attend your new city’s major festivals and sports events.

Even if you’re not a sports fan, pay a visit to your nearest stadium and support a local team. If you don’t have anyone to go with, who cares? Go by yourself and pay a little extra for a good ticket so that you can be as close to the action as possible. Every city also has festivals (from the Peach Cobbler County Fair to the new exhibit at the art museum), so make an effort to attend as many as you can in your first year in the new city.

The reassuring part of the road ahead for you is that you will inevitably meet people over time. How long it takes you to establish a social circle and meet someone to seriously date – that’s up to you. The more you put yourself out there when you’re new to a city, the sooner you’ll have the relationships you need.

book Dr Seths Love Prescription lg 190x300 How to Meet People and Date When You Move to a New CityAbout the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

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Why Does eHarmony Offer Matchmakers with eH+? http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/10/eharmony-offer-matchmakers-eh/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/10/eharmony-offer-matchmakers-eh/#comments Fri, 10 Oct 2014 15:10:11 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17928 Staff writer at Entrepreneur magazine Laura Entis published an article today with a very provocative question as its headline: Why on Earth does eHarmony Offer Real-Life Matchmakers? I’m happy to answer that question. As most of you may know, in January eHarmony launched a new service called eH+, which combines eHarmony’s compatibility matching model with […]

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ehplus logo Why Does eHarmony Offer Matchmakers with eH+?Staff writer at Entrepreneur magazine Laura Entis published an article today with a very provocative question as its headline: Why on Earth does eHarmony Offer Real-Life Matchmakers?

I’m happy to answer that question.

As most of you may know, in January eHarmony launched a new service called eH+, which combines eHarmony’s compatibility matching model with personal matchmakers. This service was designed to address a market that was not currently being addressed at eHarmony.com. It’s a market that might not use an online service, despite its advantages, for a few reasons.

The number one reason to provide real-life matchmakers is because some percentage of people prefer to have the help of a coach or a matchmaker during their search for love. They want someone they can call to discuss a potential match or to do a post-date analysis. They want a person who will give them feedback about their choices and preferences. They also want someone to personally vet their matches, and eH+ matchmakers perform that service.

The second reason to provide a real-life matchmaker is because having a professional person talk with you, ask questions about your romantic past, listen to your concerns, and understand the needs underneath your expressed thoughts helps us choose matches who are more compatible with you. We provide this service in addition to the standard eHarmony Relationship Questionnaire that everyone takes. It’s like getting an extra layer of analysis, a human layer on top of the compatibility algorithm.

Elizabeth Dwoskin of the Wall Street Journal did ask if a computer algorithm could be designed to do exactly what the matchmaker is doing. Maybe someday, but that day is far, far in the future. For now, human therapists and psychologists play a unique and important role.

There are some other reasons eH+ uses matchmakers – it’s offline and some people don’t want to spend the time to manage their own online dating profiles. eH+ provides anonymity, and matchmakers are great at helping clients understand why they may have had a hard time finding love online. At the end of the day, we think eH+ serves a person who isn’t getting what they need from online dating options, and more choice is a good thing.

Thanks to Laura Entis for asking such a great question. If you want more information, visit eH+.

 

Thanks,

Grant

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Are You Binge-Dating? The Difference Between Going After Your Goals and Losing Your Mind http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/08/binge-dating-difference-going-goals-losing-mind/ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/10/08/binge-dating-difference-going-goals-losing-mind/#comments Wed, 08 Oct 2014 22:08:25 +0000 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=17916 After my book about how egg freezing affects women’s lives came out last year, readers consistently told me that one of their favorite passages was about a woman who went on so many dates she had to create a spreadsheet to keep them all straight. She’d cut and paste thumbnail photos next to their names […]

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binge dating 300x185 Are You Binge Dating? The Difference Between Going After Your Goals and Losing Your Mind After my book about how egg freezing affects women’s lives came out last year, readers consistently told me that one of their favorite passages was about a woman who went on so many dates she had to create a spreadsheet to keep them all straight. She’d cut and paste thumbnail photos next to their names and include key details: Did she owe anyone a phone call? What had they talked about? Names of kids and pets? Every night she’d update the document and print out a copy that she could carry in her bag, in case she received a text or call during the day.

Most readers found the anecdote inspiring in a “Way to take your love life by the horns” kind of way. Yet others thought her approach was neurotic – even exhausting – because finding love shouldn’t be a full-time job, right?

Actually, if it’s important to you, it should at least be a part-time job. Even though my book character admits to being teased for being “so extreme” in her focused quest to find a good man, she ended up going on a date nearly every night of the week and within a couple months met someone who became a serious boyfriend. At one point, she was dating three men with names that started with “S” and had to refer to her cheat sheet to keep them all straight.

One of the best advantages of online dating is the ability to control the pace of romantic prospects. Want more dates? Respond to more matches. Send out more emails. Work on your profile. Update your photos. Return texts and phone calls. Be creative in planning dates. In fact, you can get so good at managing your pipeline you can easily set up several dates a week.

My friend calls this “binge-dating.” She believes that finding love is a numbers game and the more people you get in front of and ask “So what do you do for fun?” the better chance you give yourself to find what you’re looking for.

Of course, there is a real risk of burning out before you can answer, “What do you do for fun?” And if the mere mention of that question makes you want to sigh or scream back, “I like going to brunch, the movies, the beach, like most other normal people. Why would you ask that anyway?” then it’s time to go on a dating diet. It might also be good for your liver, too.

When less is more:

1) Be more selective

Preserve your energy for the people you’re most excited about meeting. Some experts suggest you go out with a wide variety of people to learn more about who you are and what you like. This is especially true if you’re coming out of a long relationship and need to get your bearings again. Plus, all that flurry of activity in the beginning is exciting and fun. But there’s a fine line between being open-minded and going out with anyone who can string together three sentences in a decent email. Make a list of your deal breakers and stick to them. Also, while some people enjoy the spontaneity of meeting without speaking on the phone, a quick screening chat can help weed out the underwhelming match. Aim for one quality date a week.

2) Take breaks

If you’re looking to land a sweetie before the holidays or feel you’re on a certain timeline for marriage and kids, taking a break can feel counter-productive, if you’re not taking action towards your goals. Still, you won’t sabotage your entire future if you go off the grid for a week or even a month or two. You’ll hopefully return refreshed and perhaps even more curious about what your date does for fun.

Can’t seem to slow down your dating pace? You’ve heard this a million times, but you’ll enjoy it more if you ditch all expectations and focus on connecting with another person. Some people like the social aspect of dating and think of romance as a bonus. If that’s your style, a spreadsheet might come in handy.

How often do you date?

About the Author:

Sarah Elizabeth Richards is a journalist and the author of Motherhood, Rescheduled: The New Frontier of Egg Freezing and the Women Who Tried It. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Slate and Salon.

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