Humans are pack animals. We are designed to live, eat, work, and play together. When we are single, in most cases, we are continually scanning and searching for the ideal mate to connect with and share our lives with. It is an instinctive, healthy drive. In my mentoring practice, I see many clients searching outside themselves for satisfaction.

In relationships, if we don’t possess a healthy sense of self, we end up matching up with someone who perfectly fits the pieces of us we have discounted, disowned, and rejected. For example, let’s say you are a woman who grew up with a distant, emotionally unavailable father. You may choose a man whose attention you have to work hard for.

Initially, you have strong chemistry with this man and you feel like you can’t live without him near you. But soon, within three months to three years, you find that he drives you crazy—and not in a good way. The very needs you want met, he seems unable to even see, never mind fulfill. You want affection, adoration, and gifts, and he grants you the occasional dinner out.

What do you do? You do more for him. You cook him more dinners at home, dress up in sexy lingerie, and suggest therapy. It doesn’t do a damn thing to get you back to those hot sexy days when you first met. And the more you do for him, the less he feels he has to do to woo you. The relationship fizzles. And the cycle begins again.

There is a way to break this cycle, but 95 percent of the people who read this article won’t do it. I dare you to do it. If you do, you become a part of what I call the “5 percent club.” The 5 percent club is the most exclusive club in the world. This is the club that no one invites you to join, and only you can accept or reject yourself. This club is based on self-love.

To achieve self-love, it is vital to develop your ability to receive love, support, and help. You need to be able to accept a compliment with a simple “thank you,” instead of a long story about how you bought the dress on sale after a friend told you about it. To love yourself, you must also develop your selfishness muscle. I know a bit about this, as I am recovering from breast cancer. The breasts literally exist for nurturing, sex, and feeding. I gave and gave and gave, thinking it would grant me love in return. Instead, it wore my spirit and my body out. Looking at the scar where my breast used to be, I am astounded at the love that came to me when I simply said, “I surrender.” People, from ex-boyfriends to long-lost friends, stepped up to help me in my hour of need. I wondered whether I should have learned to ask for support before life brought me to my knees.

Now, I’m not suggesting that if you over-give and forget yourself you are going to get cancer, but it doesn’t help matters. If you really crave true romance and an ideal partner, here are my five tips for making sure you are ready to receive love before you enter the dating market:

1. Write out your intention for the relationship. How do you want to feel and be treated? How does your partner live his life? What is your spiritual goal for the relationship?

2. Make a list of all the things your previous partners had in common—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then, next to each item, make a note if it reminds you of one or both of your parents.

3. Make a list of what you most want to receive from the relationship. When you have a partner, ask them to do the same and trade lists. Are you willing to love them in the way they want to be loved—so that you can be loved in the way you want to be loved?

4. Track how you spend your time for one month. Now, go through your time inventory with a highlighter and highlight all the activities you love doing. In another color pen, circle all the activities you don’t like doing. Are you willing to be self-loving enough to ditch, delegate, or re-design these activities to suit you?

5. Create a dream board of images that reflect your true feelings about love, relationships, sex, marriage, and family. Put it in a place where it’s the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you see before you go to bed at night. You are programming your subconscious to help you focus on attracting what you most desire. For additional success, release everything materially that isn’t useful, beautiful, or essential to your life. Make sure that whatever you put your eyes and hands on stirs up love in your heart.

More at YourTango:

3 Secret Reasons He Sabotages Your Relationship

Friend or More? The Affair You Don’t Realize You’re Having

This article was originally published on YourTango: 5 Ways to Avoid Those Dreaded Dead-End Relationships

The post Tired of Dead-End Relationships? Then Read This… appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

1. Don’t take things personally (because SURPRISE … it isn’t all about you!) This comes from Don Miguel Ruiz’ The Four Agreements. When someone isn’t friendly, it’s not because you did anything wrong (often times). If someone isn’t into you after that first date, it is not because there is anything wrong with you – the connection just isn’t there. If a friend flakes on you, don’t take it to the place of ‘I guess I am not that important.’ We internalize and assume so much (wrongly!) when we need to be telling ourselves that it’s not about us. Do not make her bad mood or his rudeness about you – because it is really about something that is going on inside of them. Spending lots of energy and worrying about these sorts of things is a waste of time.

2. Don’t give the thoughts that run through your mind too much power. They are just thoughts and not necessarily an accurate reflection of a current situation. I got this from talking to Deepak Chopra recently (which was a total thrill for me!). I like to think of my brain as my own personal memory-based encyclopedia. It is a challenge to not let your fears and other negative thoughts have an impact on enjoying the present. We tell ourselves so much crap that just isn’t true! Whenever my thoughts turn anxious or negative, I imagine them being thrown into the trash — goodbye negative thought, I recognize that you have risen from my memory encyclopedia, but you can leave now.

3. Be grateful every day for all that you have. This has been written about so much but I firmly believe that starting each day thinking about what you are thankful for sets a positive tone for your experience. Gratitude is so powerful to one’s spirit – studies actually show that the act of practicing gratitude affects your health and happiness in hugely positive ways. It’s pretty simple to just jot down a list of what you are grateful for, right?

4. Be what you want to attract. I have to say I have heard this point made by several incredibly smart people. We interviewed Dr. Wayne Dyer about attracting romance into your life – and his response was, “Whatever it is that you want from a relationship, I would say, ‘Be that.’ If what you are looking for in a relationship with another person is an exquisite sense of love, then be that. You do not attract into your life what you want. You attract what you are.” His other point was to stop thinking of a relationship  in terms of what someone will do for you and give you – but what you have to offer and how you can be a positive force in their life.

5. Accept that people are operating at their own level of consciousness. I can’t remember exactly where I heard this, but it always helps me when I find myself judging another’s behavior, or bewildered at decisions being made. All I can change (and control!) is my own level of awareness, right? And be grateful about the fact that I think about living consciously!

6. Give everyone you encounter a gift (this can be a compliment, a silent prayer, or something like that). I love this – from Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. It forces me to think positively throughout the day. It takes away the temptation to sometimes judge another, and replaces that thought with something good. It just makes me feel better.

7. The most important decision you will make in life is who to marry. This sentiment is from our own CEO, Dr. Neil Clark Warren. Boy, was he right on. I see evidence of poor marital partner choices all around me — and it can have a catastrophic impact on your finances, your mental well-being, your children, and your options. This extends to relationships as well, not just marriage. Make sure to get involved with someone who has good character, and take time to see what someone is about. Do not rush into a relationship! You can’t really know someone after a month or two.

OK, I will get off of my soapbox now. I would love to hear what your favorite advice is … and what really resonates with you.

The post The Seven Best Pieces of Advice I’ve Heard… appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In Why Women Hang In There With the Wrong Guys, I examined many of the reasons women stay in a relationships with the wrong guys.

What I left out is that the real reason women hang in there is that they can’t quite put their finger on the one thing that’s missing, which represents the best reason to leave the relationship.

Almost without exception, what’s missing is that they have no emotional connection with the guy. And as I explained in my post titled Emotional Awakenings, women don’t realize this because they’re often not yet aware of their own emotional needs, and how important an emotional connection is to sustaining a long-term relationship.

So once you wake up and figure out what your emotional needs are, or simply that you have emotional needs, how do you find an emotional connection?

First, don’t look for the perfect guy because there’s no such thing as the perfect guy. Look instead for someone who is perfect for you.

Second, consider all the qualities and qualifications that would fit on a résumé. And then forget about them. Because an emotional connection is what you feel, not what you think, and certainly not what fits on a piece of paper.

Third, learn to trust your gut reaction, your first instinct, what Malcolm Gladwell calls your blink response. Many women ignore it, cloud it with their thoughts, and then start to doubt it.

Fourth, don’t confuse sexual chemistry with an emotional connection. A sexual connection can certainly start your relationship off with a bang – no pun intended – but it doesn’t necessarily lead to an emotional connection.

Finally, realize that you don’t “date your way” into an emotional connection. It’s either there or it’s not, and if you don’t feel it on the first or second date, going on five or ten or fifty more dates won’t change that.

Personally, I’ve never dated my way into an emotional connection with a woman. I’ve always felt the connection almost instantly, and every one of my long-term relationships started the first night we were together. By contrast, many women hope that “feelings will develop” or the emotional connection will “develop over time.”

But think about all the times you really clicked with someone and ended up together. It probably happened almost immediately for you as well.

Have you ever tried to make a relationship work despite not having a great emotional connection?

Paul N. Weinberg is the coauthor of The I Factor, an inspirational and aspirational book about connection in the age of social media.  The I Factor was recently published to rave reviews and endorsements from some of today’s biggest celebrities, including Larry King, Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, and Sofia Vergara. Available exclusively online in print and ebook versions through Amazon.com and the Apple iTunes Bookstore.

© 2012 by Paul N. Weinberg

The post The I Factor: How To Find an Emotional Connection appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Advancements in our modern day society have provided women with a newfound sense of financial freedom. Compared to fifty years ago, more women can buy their own homes, pay their own bills, purchase luxury items and afford nice vacations. The only problem is they can’t buy love. If you’re a successful woman struggling to find success in your love life, it’s not your fault. Over the decades, love has become a bit more complicated.

Back in the day, relationships were easier because they were well defined. There was courtship instead of dating. Men wooed women. Now, men and women hang out and hook up. Many people have sex thinking it’s the beginning of a relationship rather than having a relationship first and then expressing their love and commitment through sex.

Casual Hookups Raise Insecurities

When you are intimate before really getting to know one another (and one another’s intentions), it’s the exception that your encounters will turn into a healthy love relationship. You’ll tend to behave and act in ways that you think will please him, rather than show your real self. Instead of saying what you completely mean, you’ll only partially say what you mean.

You’ll also tend to read more into the relationship than what’s actually there. You’ll think there’s more of a connection then there really is. You’ll think that he’s more into you than he really is. Then you’ll become disappointed, sad or angry when things don’t work out.

Courtship Boosts Your Self-Worth

In courtship, you and your partner take the time to get to know and care for each other and develop trust. You’re both more vested in your relationship because of the time and effort you’ve put into each other. You’re physically intimate when it’s right for both of you and when you do, it is magical.

Courtship takes more courage because you have to be authentic, open, vulnerable and live without knowing the outcome. If you choose the path of courtship, you’ll become clearer on what matters most to you, what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you and realize your self-worth. You’ll feel cherished, cared for and respected.

The Choice Is Yours

I casually dated through most of my single years, not realizing that I actually wanted to be courted until I met my current husband. In hindsight, dating for me was about reacting to the men I met. This led me to feeling uncertain and settling for less.

Courtship is more about responding based on what’s important to you. You get to choose whether or not you want to date or be courted. If you’re consistently let down and feel unfulfilled in your experiences with potential partners, try letting a man woo you instead of date you. If he’s a good man, this means being receptive to who he is and what he has to offer, rather than being resistant or controlling. It means letting him open doors for you, plan dates, pay for your meals (you can still offer), keep his word, give you flowers, etc. It means treating him with respect and trust, and accepting him for who he is.

If you’re a woman who is used to taking charge, don’t initiate or pursue men. If you do, there’s a high chance that you’ll end up in a “friends with benefits” relationship. You’ll end up settling for less than you deserve. Continuing to approach relationships as if you’re the exception to the rule is never in your best interest, unless you don’t want a commitment. While it’s possible, it’s not probable. It’s your choice: Do you choose dating or courting?

What do you think about dating vs. courting?

More at YourTango:

Hit The Road! 7 Romantic Fourth Of July Getaways For Couples

Three secrets to strengthen your long-term relationship

He said, she said: How do I get my partner to open up?

This blog was originally published on YourTango: Making The Case For Courtship: Let Yourself Be Wooed

The post Dating vs. Courting: Why We Should Go Back to the Days of Courtship appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Fast forward to a conversation I had just yesterday with one of my dearest friends. She has been dating a guy for the past five months, and called with the realization that she is really interested in…yes, you got it…“just being friends.” She wants to put him in the “friend zone!” She was nervous about how to tell him. After all, she does care for him and doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, but she knows that they don’t have a future together.

What should she do? I said, “You telling him the truth, and not leading him on or continuing your relationship, is a gift to him.” He may not see it now, but it is. He wants to meet his soulmate. He wants to settle down. He wants to meet someone who loves him unconditionally in return. My friend knows none of these things are possible with her. The gift she is giving him is the honesty that he belongs in the friend zone with her, which allows him the opportunity to look for his soulmate.

Sure, this kind of honesty may hurt his feelings in the short-term, and he may not be interested in being friends, but that’s no reason to continue a relationship. Whenever I talk with someone who is upset about a break-up, I always say, “Better to find out now that someone really isn’t that into you rather than 16 years and two kids later.” Isn’t that the truth?

When is it time to call it quits? When is it time to realize that your feelings aren’t as strong as they should be? When is it time to cut your losses and move on? Some people say they know in a matter of one or two dates if there is potential, and if there isn’t, there are no third dates. Others, like my friend, find out after several months of dating that there are underlying issues that are deal breakers.

My friend made a really good point that I think all of us should pay more attention to. She said, “I started thinking about how he might be able to change (the thing that bothered me), and I realized how wrong that is!” Absolutely! It’s not about changing who someone is; it’s about embracing every piece of them. We have all seen too many divorces where one spouse says, “I honestly thought I could change him (or her) and I couldn’t.” Not only “you couldn’t,” but also “you shouldn’t!” Those things that you would like to change, which are seemingly small, inconsequential or annoyingly cute while dating, seemingly turn into deal breakers years later!

I think alarm bells should clang loudly whenever you start to hear your inner-voice talking about what you might be able to change in someone you are dating. So many problems start from that foundation of, “After we are married, I am sure he or she won’t…(fill in the blank)…anymore.” Nice intentions, bad idea. The reality is that that too many marriages fail from this kind of thinking. He or she doesn’t change — doesn’t want to change — and suddenly all sorts of issues arise. One thing leads to another and 16 years and two kids later, nothing has changed but the fact that he or she still isn’t that into you. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be put in the friend zone earlier rather than finding out later. I do consider that a gift.

What about you? Have you been put into the friend zone? Did it ultimately end up being a gift?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com.

The post Finding Yourself in the Friend Zone appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth got engaged in May, 2012 when the starlet was just 19, and she publicly acknowledged that she wanted to have a long engagement (which is smart, considering she hadn’t broken into her 20s on or near engagement day).

But almost since the day he put a ring on her finger, the media has questioned the couple’s choice to have a long engagement (and whether they’re even still engaged).

If you find yourself in a similar situation to “Miam” — you’re planning to have or are in the midst of a long engagement — how can you deal with questions from well-meaning friends and family?

Dating with Dignity has some answers for you.

1. As partners, agree on the length of time for your engagement, determine a reasonable wedding date, and calmly answer accordingly. Perhaps one of you is finishing school, waiting on a promotion, or just too busy. You can answer honestly! For example: “We’re saving a bit until we can afford the wedding we want” or “I have two more years of law school; once I can breathe, then we can get to wedding planning” or “We have five weddings to attend in the next year, and we want to focus on celebrating our friends’ love before we get to celebrating ours!” All these can be authentic answers — and ones you should feel comfortable sharing.

2. Turn the question around. If the person asking the question is in a long-term relationship, ask how long it took before they decided to commit to each other (and feel free to ask if they planned a date!). Or, if it’s a married friend, ask how long they waited to tie the knot: do they wish they’d waited longer to throw around the “fiance” term before it turned to “husband and wife”? Listen to their answers! The bottom line is this: Turning their inquisition into a meaningful conversation can create a deeper connection as long as you remember there’s no reason to be defensive or irritated!

3. Ignore and change the subject. When prying eyes or ears get to be too much, simply change the subject. You can give a short reply like “We haven’t thought about it much yet. Can you pass the salt?” It really is no one’s business but your own when you get married, when you get pregnant, or really even when you wash the dishes. There’s no need to go into detail over dinner about your wedding date. Enjoy your time together and disclose your plans at your own discretion.

Remember, when you are engaged, it’s your time to savor the time spent with your fiance; no need to let other’s questions take away from the celebration!

Learn more about relationship coach Marni Battista and Dating with Dignity.

The post How to Deal with Questions about a Lengthy Engagement appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Gain insight into your shy behavior. If you are truly committed to un-shying yourself, take inventory of all your shy behaviors. Make a list of a few situations that would make you feel most shy. Next, ask yourself what these situations have in common? Underneath your shyness, are you afraid of something? Let’s take an example and break it down. You’re at a party with a friend and your friend excuses herself and leaves you with a guy you don’t know – but find attractive. If you were to (uncharacteristically) start a conversation with him, how would you feel? What would you be afraid might happen if you started talking? Would you ask yourself what he’s thinking about you? Should you even care what anyone you’ve just met thinks of you?

Stop indulging your shy behaviors and do the opposite. Ask yourself what you’d prefer to do in the situation above (e.g., grab your keys and get the heck out of there) and do the opposite. Facing your anxiety – and not avoiding it – is a necessary step to overcoming shyness. In anxiety-provoking situations, you must force yourself to do the opposite behavior (e.g., start a conversation and engage). Honestly, I don’t want you to care one bit what the new guy at the party thinks of you. What anyone thinks of you only matters once you’ve gotten to know a person and have determined he or she is a quality person worth your investment.

Socialize with outgoing friends and take notes like a secretary. One of the best ways to learn how to do something new is to mimic the actions of someone who excels at the desired behavior. Make arrangements to go out with a friend who is especially outgoing and watch them as they interact with strangers. Watch their body language, listen to the tone of their voice, and take note of how they use humor. Most importantly, take inventory of their mood. Does your friend seem anxious or relaxed? Is your friend enjoying and living in the moment, or trapped inside his or her thoughts? Most outgoing men and women don’t take themselves too seriously and are not too critical of themselves. In fact, saying harsh things to yourself and worrying what others think often come with shyness. Don’t forget that shy people have a tendency to miss out on a lot because they’re too shy to do or say what they want.

Cultivate a new identity as an outgoing person using self-monitoring and praise. Monitor the language you use when you talk about yourself. Catch yourself saying, “I’m really shy,” and change it to, “I used to be really shy.” Your unconscious mind hears the words you say out loud, which reinforces your identity. When you face your fear and do the opposite behavior (say, walking up to a small group of people at work and asking how their weekend was), praise yourself for your efforts. Say to yourself, “Good for you for trying,” or “I’m proud you’re taking action and doing something about your shyness.” It may sound silly, but it works.

If shyness is one of your struggles, please trust that you can un-shy yourself provided that you do the work and sit with the discomfort that comes with change. No one ever said shyness is bad or wrong, but outgoing people often enjoy dating more, have more fun and have less social anxiety than their shy counterparts. Try some of the techniques described above and use trial and error to figure out which techniques are the most effective for you. If you take away only one tidbit from this article, take this: Do the opposite!

Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers – and get more information about his fantastic book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription!

The post Four Ways to Overcome Shyness and Enjoy Dating appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Dating and lying. Seems like one is something we first learn to do in our teens and twenties. It seems like the other is something we first learn NOT to do when we are what … age 3, or 4, or 5? Certainly by age 10 (and I’m probably being generous here) we know what lying is and what lying isn’t. So how come I can be writing a post that talks about both dating and lying simultaneously?

I was talking with a friend two weeks ago. She met a guy online and they agreed to meet. She had seen a photo of him, and read that his height was 5’8”.  She arrived at the restaurant where she was meeting him for dinner and searched for a man who looked like the photo she had seen online.  Hmmm … she searched, and searched some more. She told me she only saw one person who vaguely resembled the photo … but looked more like he could be the father of her date! He saw her, got up out of his seat, and walked towards her. My sweet friend, who is all of 5’3” tall on a good day, towered over him.

He approached her, introduced himself, and then immediately said, “There are probably two things I should tell you. I am older than I said, and shorter than I said.” My friend, who has a great sense of humor, just looked at him and said, “No s*&!@!” And then she asked, “This is how you expect to start a date … by lying at the outset?” No thanks! And she left!

I applaud her for calling him on his lies. Were they harmful? No. Were they deceitful? Yes! Did he need to lie? No. Did it create more problems for him than simply being truthful? Yes! There wasn’t a first date, and certainly no chance for a second.

Another friend was recently dating a guy whom she was really starting to like. They had been out a few times, and had gotten past all the initial conversations. At dinner on this particular night, the conversation turned to previous relationships. Based on her own personal experience, she had a “sensitivity” to men who cheat. She asked him if he had ever cheated on anyone, and he said no. She believed him, of course.

But, as small world stories go, she met someone a few weeks later who knew this guy and filled her in on the story of how he cheated on a former girlfriend. It was a bad decision; he used poor judgment, and he had to suffer the consequences. Would it have been a deal breaker with this new date? Maybe. Maybe not. But lying about it made it an absolute deal breaker. She said, “Adios”

What’s the moral of this story? We all have things in our lives that we wish were different. It may be a physical feature. It may be a part of our past. It may be something we find distressful in our present day situation. Whatever it is, it’s something that we are so worried about personally, that we find it important to distort the truth about it.  We have trouble accepting the truth of it, so we assume everyone else will as well. We lie about it. And it gets us in trouble. Eventually, we will be found out, and I argue that those consequences can be even greater than the consequences of being forthright from the beginning. Some people rationalize their lies by telling themselves that they have to lie about this particular thing, in order for this person to spend more time with them and get to know the “true” them. Really? You think a lie will be less hurtful a year from now, or five years from now, when I have really opened myself up to you and trusted you only to find out you lied early in our relationship? Is that supposed to inspire confidence in everything else you have shared with me?

At the end of the day, stop the lies. Be honest. Be truthful. Be you. If the truth is so offensive to your date, then clearly you aren’t meant to be together. As relationships evolve, people have to accept the whole package of what you offer, not just the “good” things. It’s not as if we get to pick … “I’ll take this part of you, but not that part.” When people choose to continue dating, it’s an expectation that they are accepting all of you … the good parts and the not-so-good parts. And, there is an expectation that all of these parts have come with full-on honesty.

When we find out later that we’ve accepted you “as is” and that “as-is” isn’t really “as it really is,” then problems develop! Major problems like, “If you lied about that, what else have you lied about” kinds of problems!

Lies can be easy in the short-term. Lies may work when they have no future. But, I would seriously think about the consequences of lying if you are looking for a future. That doesn’t work so well.

Would my friend have agreed to meet this guy for a date if he told her he was really 15 years older and 8 inches shorter than he said? Actually, yes, she would have! Would my other friend have continued to date this guy who cheated on a former girlfriend? Possibly. I am sure she would have wanted the truth. She would have wanted to have some honest conversations about the circumstances of the situation, and then she would have been better equipped to make a decision about whether to continue investing in this relationship.

It’s really not a difficult decision. Lies hurt. Lies only protect the present, but they have absolutely no investment potential in the long-term. It’s up to you to determine which is more important. It seems as if taking the high road is a much better, safer, and more successful long-term option!

What do you think? Is it ever OK to lie when dating? Have you been burned by having someone lie to you, or by being caught in a lie you told?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com.

The post The Ultimate Dating Don’t: Liar, Liar… appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

According to a new landmark study and important research data released today, couples who meet online have significantly better relationships than those who meet offline. The happiest couples meeting through any means had met on eHarmony. eHarmony is responsible for creating the most marriages between 2005-2012, and eHarmony marriages are also significantly less likely to have ended in divorce or separation than marriages that began in any other way.

Check out the highlights from the research:

New Video: Dr. Neil Clark Warren talks about love, eHarmony and a social revolution!

FURTHER ANALYSIS OF THE DATA HERE

The post The Research is In: eHarmony Ranks Number One! appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

People often make the mistake of calling anyone who works too much a “workaholic,” but that’s not always an appropriate categorization. There are two different kinds of people who work too much: people who love their work and work endless hours because they love it, and people who are workaholics.

Type 1: You simply love your work.
If someone loves their work so much that they choose to spend countless hours engaged in it, there’s nothing inherently problematic with this dynamic. However, it’s critical for someone who loves their work so much to explain their needs at the outset of a new relationship. For example, let’s consider someone like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook’s founder. I have to believe that he spends an awful lot of time working, time which could be spent with his wife. But Mark’s need to work and create is probably greater than his need to spend time with his wife, which is fine as long as he and his wife are okay with it. While some women need their partner to be present more often, there are other women who feel differently: They don’t have the need to share as much of their daily lives with their partner. You simply need to know who you are and which category best fits you.

Type 2: You’re a true workaholic.
Unlike the small subset of men and women who work too much because they simply love their job (I know, I know), the vast majority of men and women who work too much have more dysfunctional motivations.

Avoiding Home: Aside from cases where a person is holding down multiple jobs and living check to check to pay the bills, avoiding what’s going on at home is the most common motivation for the workaholic. Whether she’s staying at work because she’s been fighting with him at home, or he works until late at night because he feels little connection to her anymore at home, avoiding home is a serious problem that both partners need to address.

Getting Unmet Needs Met: The well-rounded individual cultivates friendships and other relationships outside of work, and these relationships help to meet the overall emotional needs of the individual. Workaholics, on the other hand, try to tell themselves they don’t have significant social needs and find it easier to meet the needs they do acknowledge with relationships at work. Many workaholics stay at work because they feel they get more attention from people at work than at home or in their social life.

Need for Approval: More than any of us would like to believe, we all have at least a tiny part of us that seeks approval from others. Some people look to their peers or loved ones for approval, while workaholics tend to seek approval from their supervisors or bosses. The Achilles heel of many workaholics is the need to prove themselves, or to show their bosses how good and valuable they are.

Regardless of the motivation, the danger of working too much is that you can ruin your relationship by not caring for it properly. There are several ways that working too much negatively impacts the quality of a relationship. Check out the ways below and see if any of them apply to you and your love life.

Social Time: Not only do you miss out on crucial bonding time with your partner by working too much, but you also miss out on socializing with your partner and friends together. This type of socialization is extremely important because your social circle is your support network, and you only receive the benefits of social support if you put in the effort and truly develop these relationships. Not only do you need a social network when things go badly and you need help, but simply knowing you have a close network makes you consistently feel noticed and cared for, feelings that contribute to overall well-being.

Body Image & Sex: Think about the negative effect working too much has on your body and body image. If you’re working too much and not working out regularly, you’re going to feel less positive about your body, which may make you want to have sex less frequently. This effect, of course, indirectly hurts your relationship because sexual intimacy is one way to feel close to and comforted by your partner. What’s more, you have little energy for sexual intimacy if you work yourself like a dog.

Eating Behavior: Everything is affected when someone works too much. When you’re spending most of your time working, you typically eat less healthfully as you grab things on the go and shove fast-food or prepared food down your hungry little throat. Eating well is an important activity that makes you feel emotionally grounded and physically nourished. The impact on your relationship is direct, too: Having dinner together after work is one of the best ways to connect with your partner, but you miss out on this ritual when you work too much.

It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s a good cliché (if that’s not too oxymoronic): A relationship is like a garden that needs regular tending in order to flourish. No relationship has ever been good without sufficient time spent between the two partners. If you happen to be a workaholic or to be in a relationship with one, make sure to take time throughout the day – several times, thankyouverymuch – and connect with your partner. Without extra vigilance to protect the sanctity of the relationship, yours will run its course from smoke to fire to rubble.

Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers – and get more information about his fantastic book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription!

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