About a year ago, one of my oldest, dearest friends told me she thought she had just met “the one.” She’d kissed more than a few frogs and felt pretty convinced that he had all of the qualities she was looking for. Ilana has a good head on her shoulders and I was so happy for her.

A year later she just didn’t sound like her old self. She had always been one of those friends who made others laugh; I realized I had not heard that carefree spirit in quite a while. I decided to share the changes I had noticed and make sure she wasn’t upset with me about something. She shared that she had not felt happy and couldn’t figure out why. She had no idea that it might be noticeable to others. We started to talk about her relationship. On paper, as they say, everything worked. But it turns out there were a few, critically important aspects that didn’t work.

1. Does love have to hurt? Remember that song? “Love hurts, love scars … love is like a flame that burns you when it’s hot…” Ilana acknowledged that part of what initially drew her to Ted was red-hot attraction. Upon reflection, she realized that Ted’s temper was also pretty red hot. He said hurtful things in anger and she often felt burned for days afterwards. She rationalized that it was just his way — as if he couldn’t control himself. Ilana had been trying to avoid his temper and felt as though she was walking on eggshells. She realized that this was not okay . Ilana began to convince herself that love hurts – because in order to be in a real relationship you have to be vulnerable. I pointed out that there is a big difference between the type of vulnerability that lets someone in to see the imperfections in you and the type of vulnerability that becomes unhealthy. It was time to step back and reclaim her power and be clear about the difference between arguments and just plain bad behavior.

2. Are you living small? A lot of women keep themselves, their skills, their successes, their acumen, purposefully low key so as not to threaten a partner’s ego. Without knowing it, Ilana was doing that very thing.  When they met, Ilana was launching a new business. She had a dream and through lots of hard work she found the business yielding early success. Ted had not been so professionally fortunate and (perhaps as a result) was not particularly supportive of hers. It wasn’t overt, but his regular criticism (rather than enthusiasm) resulted in Ilana’s playing down her potential. She stopped taking risks and thinking like the entrepreneur that she was.  She started thinking small. As a result, the business didn’t fail, but certainly did not thrive and grow. Don’t trust anyone who stifles your dreams because theirs don’t work out. Staying small for the sake of a relationship doesn’t lead to happiness. If you want a relationship that strives for real partnership, establish that reality at the outset.

3. Are these habits deal-breakers or just annoying? Ilana realized that rather than addressing the really important core issues mentioned above, she found herself being snarky about those habits Ted had that really bothered her. Like so many of us, she got sidetracked and distracted by the small stuff that we’ve learned we just aren’t supposed to sweat over. She just went crazy when Ted left all the dishes for her to wash, or when he was always 10 minutes behind schedule (she had a lot more examples, but I’ll stop there). It’s ironic — so many relationships have tension develop over annoying habits. But annoying habits typically aren’t the reasons to break up.

Ilana realized that being in a relationship meant accepting some of the irritating habits she wished would change, but probably wouldn’t. She realized that those habits served as a distraction from the deeper issues that needed to be addressed. Can Ted change? Will he recognize the impact he’s made on Ilana’s dreams and her historically carefree attitude? It’s up to her to share her truth with Ted and be clear about the importance of the support and love she demands from a relationship.

Have you ever been through something similar? Were you able to work it out with your partner or did you end up breaking up?

Learn more about Barbara Waxman, America’s Favorite Coach for Adults Midlife and Better.

The post ‘Why Am I Unhappy in This Relationship?’ appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

I am a fan of reading Harvey Mackay’s column in the Atlanta Business Chronicle each week. I think he offers really practical insights on a variety of topics. I find myself nodding my head in affirmation as I read his advice or his commentary each week.

A few weeks ago, he wrote a column entitled, “What I’d do if I had my life to live over…” I expected a bit of what I will call the “normal” things to be on a list like this. Things like, “I would have studied abroad. My parents were right when they told me that travel is a great teacher,” and “I would have interviewed my parents and grandparents and learned more about our family history and genealogy.” Great advice, for sure!

But, what really stuck out for me was the number one thing he put on his list of 11 items.  It said, “I would have been more available whenever a friend was in trouble or was going through a tough time due to divorce,” … (and then added, “or financial trouble, job loss, or even DUI.”)

Wow! I was so impressed that when Harvey wrote about being available to friends in need that the first thing he called out were friends who were going through divorce. I think we naturally think about other situations where our friends would need us, such as dealing with the death of a parent, or job loss (as he did mention!). To put the first focus on friends going though divorce was impactful to me.

I suspect this made his list because he has personal experience dealing with friends going through divorce. Presumably, he feels he wasn’t “available enough” for them in order for that comment to make his list.

If I have said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I would not have gotten through my divorce without my amazing friends rallying around me. My friends each filled their own unique niche in keeping me positive and getting me through the emotional and physical toll of divorce. Some made me laugh; some cried with me; some knew how to help (whether with the never-ending yard work, or by watching my kids for a few hours so I could have some alone time); some sent me cards each week as the months wore on just to let me know they were thinking about me, or whisked me off to Starbucks for a coffee and some girl talk.

One friend who I met at camp when I was in 8^th grade (and then have only seen less than ten times since because we live in different parts of the country) sent me the most wonderful care package. It arrived on a day when I really, really, really needed a pick-me-up. You know how some days in the divorce process are particularly painful and ugly? I arrived home from that day to open the mailbox and find a great and totally unexpected package.

This care package had a variety of items in it, each with a note about why it was in the box: a coffee cup “because I would love to sit and talk with you over a nice cup of coffee,” a tube of hand lotion “because I would hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be all right,” a package of tissues “because I would help to wipe the tears away when you are sad,” and my favorite item (which bought a huge smile to my face) was a bottle of flashy bright red nail polish “because even in our saddest and darkest moments, there is nothing like some bright red toe nails to brighten our spirits!”

What have I learned from all of this? I compare it to when a loved one passes away. People are very concerned and responsive at first, but as the weeks wear on, people get back to their own lives, and tend to forget the person grieving. Those “firsts” of everything that happen can be really tough, and it’s nice to know people, your friends, still remember and care for you.

It’s the same with divorce. When a pending divorce is first announced, people respond. But as the months wear on, people tend to go back to their own lives, forgetting that the ugly divorce process is likely taking it’s toll on the individual. I try to stay connected with people not just in the beginning, but throughout the divorce process, and even afterwards. And, just as my friends did for me, I try to find my “niche” as a friend, and determine what each person needs from me at that point in time. Do they need a listening ear? A dose of humor? An adventure to take their mind off divorce? A person to sit quietly with them? A card? A coffee? A bottle of bright red nail polish?  As Harvey said, it’s all about “being more available” to your friends who need you.

What about you? Are you making yourself available for friends going through divorce and other tough situations in life? Are you there for them, not just in the beginning, but as the months draw on as well?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com. 

The post ‘If I had to live my life over…I would be there for friends going through divorce.’ appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Even in your wildest dreams, you probably still could not imagine anything as horrible happening to you. When something so horrific happens, how does one recover? Of course, it’s hard to know how to make sense of something that makes no sense at all. Can these women, or anyone who experiences a trauma so severe, truly move on to have normal lives, or will they be forever traumatized?

Let’s start with the definition of trauma. A couple elements are required for an event to qualify as a psychological trauma: the person’s ability to integrate his or her emotional experience is overwhelmed, and the person subjectively experiences a threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity.*

The issue of control has everything to do with trauma. Part of what makes the experience for the Cleveland women so traumatic is the total lack of control over their circumstances. The major and life-threatening stress that follows an abduction and confinement can lead to extreme symptoms: psychotic episodes, labile mood or severe depression, suicide/homicide attempts, dissociation, and extreme sleeping and eating problems. Post-traumatic stress symptoms may appear, including reliving the event or nightmares. Based on my experience with men and women who have experienced major psychological trauma, it will take time for these women to regain emotional equilibrium. They may never trust male strangers again and will be extremely fearful – maybe even clinically paranoid – about the motives of unfamiliar men in their lives. They may be fearful about making plans for the future as they can’t fully trust that they will ever have control over future circumstances.

Recovery Plan

Social Reunions: These women should be asked whom they want to see when. Everyone around them should be careful to not put pressure on them in any way: They’ve experienced more stress in recent years than most people will experience in their entire lives.

Where to Recover: These women should recover wherever they are going to feel most safe. Some trauma victims will prefer to stay close to home, while others may feel the need to recover far from home. If the Cleveland women need a break from their surroundings and neighborhood, they should go somewhere quiet, away from cameras and media. An environment with plenty of nature can help, too: grass, trees, mountains, ponds, lakes or oceans can soothe individuals whose central nervous systems have been under siege from stress. Nature is one of the best vehicles to help a person get in touch with repressed feelings, which is why many private drug rehabilitation facilities and mental health clinics feature aquatic and equine therapies, among others.

How to Express Yourself: The Cleveland survivors need to be reminded that when ready, they should try to express themselves in whichever way suits them best. Talking to family and friends – or even themselves – in the quiet of a private room can help them vent their feelings. Writing, too, is incredibly helpful for individuals who have experienced a psychological trauma. Whether these women want to document their thoughts in a journal, write letters that never get sent, or just scribble random thoughts here and there, the point is to express the thoughts so they don’t lead to greater anxiety or internalized shame. You might be surprised by the next intervention to encourage expression: making art. For trauma victims, talking or writing about their experiences early in their recovery sometimes hits too close to home, bringing back all the fear and anxiety from the original trauma. Art therapy gives recovering men and women a no-stress, fluid way of expressing themselves. With art, there’s no right answer or set structure, which can make these women feel safer to express their feelings.

Help Others: Many trauma victims find that helping other trauma victims helps them, too. The three Cleveland women should first focus on healing themselves, but they may find that volunteering in the future for missing-child organizations, for example, allows them to take some of the skills they developed in surviving their own trauma and use them to help other victims recover.

Psychotherapy/Counseling: Intensive trauma-focused therapy could help the Cleveland women – or anyone who’s experienced a trauma – gain clarity into their ‘trauma narrative’ and regain the belief that they have control over their life and environment.

In the past week, I read that Jaycee Dugard, who has her own survival story to tell, made a statement in response to the Cleveland women being found alive. Ms. Dugard simply said that the human spirit is incredibly resilient. As a therapist, I know this is true. I just wish bad things didn’t have to happen for all of us to learn that lesson.

Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers and his book Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

*Pearlman, Laurie Anne, and Karen W. Saakvitne. Trauma and the Therapist. New York: Norton, p.60, 1995.

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The day I turned 40, I was in shock because I was still single. How had I reached this milestone birthday and remained unattached? Honestly, I felt devastated and wondered how this could have happened to me.

But then I got serious about looking for love. After some soul-searching, I decided to start doing whatever it took to meet a lot of men. I wanted to meet a wonderful guy who had a good heart and was kind, fun to be with, attractive, employed and someone who could accept my spiritual viewpoints about life. Connecting with a man who would be my partner and soulmate was my goal.

In 15 months, I dated 30 men. I ended up finding Paul, the man I married. I smile as I write this, because we just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary! And I have to tell you, my husband is still totally adorable and continues to make me laugh.

It wasn’t obvious at first that Paul was the right man for me because we were so different. Our backgrounds, family upbringings, religions, and careers were polar opposites. But here is how I looked past all of that and came to realize I had found my soulmate:

1. At the end of our first date, Paul walked me to my car. He stopped to ask if he could see me again, to which I responded, “Yes!” Then he kissed me on the cheek and started to walk back to his car. Before he got there, he turned around and asked, “When are you available again?” Soulmate check! That melted my heart because he wanted more of me!

2. There were cosmic signs. On our third date, we walked along the beach and sat down on a bench with a gorgeous view of the water. Paul kissed me under the moonlight and I saw a shooting star brighten the night sky. Soulmate check! Something cosmic and romantic was unfolding.

3. For our fourth date, Paul was an hour late (for good reason). When I answered the door feeling angry and frantic, wondering what had happened to him, he handed me flowers and apologized. When I invited him in, he explained how on his way over to see me, he had stopped to help a woman with three small grandchildren whose car had broken down in the middle of the street. Soulmate check! I knew he had a good heart.

4. Of all the men I had dated, my time with Paul seemed very different. Things felt light and peaceful, which was in contrast to my normal high-energy, fast-paced life. This was a welcome change for me. Other men may have brought out more excitement or intellectual conversation, but with Paul, I felt an ease in a way that was uncommon and enjoyable. Soulmate check! We were compatible and it felt really good to spend time with him.

5. I wanted a man who would accept my spiritual viewpoints. He didn’t have to agree with them, but I wanted to be respected. I realized we had different but compatible spiritual viewpoints when Paul and I spent time in nature. He pointed out animals and plants that I wouldn’t have noticed without him. Soulmate check! We both revered the earth.

6. I can be silly and vulnerable in front of him. I once mentioned to Paul that I had had a dream about Paul Newman. I never dreamt about movie stars, so I was puzzled about it. He figured it out right away, asking me, “You had a dream about ‘Paul the New Man?’” We laughed about that together for a long time. Soulmate check! Paul was quick to see the “pun” of my dream and made me laugh.

7. My subconscious mind felt safe with Paul. The first night we spent together, I dreamt about us. In my dream, I was some sort of Celtic spiritual woman and he was a warrior. (He’s of Irish and English decent, but I’m not.) We were considering marriage and I asked him if he would protect me. He stood firm, then bowed and answered solemnly, “Yes, I will.”

Knowing whether the person you’re dating is your soulmate is an individual process. Having been through this myself and as a dating coach for women, one thing I know is that compatibility and respect are the keys to a lasting partnership. The seven soulmate checkpoints above helped me identify Paul as the right man for me. Take the time to figure out what matters most to you and use that as your own soulmate guide.

More from YourTango:

How Your Inner Child is Ruining Your Love Life

5 Words that will kill your Relationship

When Your Husband Refuses to Meet With the Kid’s Therapist

The post Finding ‘The One’ After 40 appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

I will never forget having lunch with a colleague several years ago who had recently wrapped up a painful divorce. We were talking about re-entering the dating scene, and she was sharing with me some of the things she was looking for in an ideal man. She wanted someone who was between 45-55 years old, and then listed a few other qualities and traits that were important to her … then she dropped this requirement on me, “This I know for sure … I am not interested in dating anyone who has been divorced.”

My initial response was one of shock, and I asked, “Why would you want to date a man who has never been married before? Wouldn’t you wonder why he hadn’t married by age 45 or 55?” Now, I recognize that is very narrow thinking, but in honesty, that was my first reaction. What followed was a really great discussion about the perceived pros and cons of dating (or potentially marrying) someone who had never been married before, versus someone who had gone through a divorce.

Was it “better” to have someone who understood what marriage was all about and was familiar with all of the compromises, the peaks and the valleys?  Was it “better” to have someone who may likely already have children? Was it “better” to have someone who had lived as part of a couple before? Or, was it “better” to have someone who hadn’t been through the negative parts of marriage and divorce, someone who might not potentially be coming in with lots of baggage and chips on his shoulder? Would someone who had never been married be able to adjust to sharing his life with someone else? People are pretty set in their ways, especially by age 50. Would it be difficult to adapt and compromise?  We didn’t have any answers, but we had a great dialogue about the perceived pros and cons.

At the same time, I think we were both astute enough to recognize that we were making complete assumptions based on stereotypes. Of course, we realized that every situation is unique, and every individual brings their own perspective to a relationship regardless of whether they are previously divorced or perpetually single!

I had a similar conversation with a new friend last weekend. She just turned 50, has never married, and we were talking about the dating scene. I asked her if she had a preference for dating someone who had been divorced, or had never married. Her response was interesting. She said she has absolutely no preference one way or the other. But, she did say as someone who has never been married, she wonders if men might assume that she is too set in her ways to change much if a partnership were to develop. She wonders if they question why she has never married. She even admitted that she likes certain aspects of her independent life. She laughed and said, “I like that I can decide to have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I feel like it without worrying about having to cook or eat a ‘real’ dinner.”

At the end of the day, she said, she doesn’t have any preconceived notions about what kind of man she would most like to date. She said divorced or never married doesn’t matter to her.  She said ethnicity doesn’t matter. She said age doesn’t matter. What is important is sharing a common religion and having someone who can keep up with her active lifestyle! She pointed out that one’s prior marital status is completely irrelevant to the things she deems most important. I told her I would keep my ears open for someone who might be a great match for her!

Going back to the colleague I mentioned earlier — oh the irony! She met a wonderful man a couple of years later who swept her off her feet! They have since married … and guess what? He was divorced when they met!

What’s the moral of this story? While we may have an idea of what is important to us, the reality is we that have to be flexible and open to having our preconceived notions change or we might miss out on meeting, dating, or even marrying, a really fabulous person! I’m glad my husband didn’t have blinders on when we met. If he had said he wasn’t interested in dating an older woman with two kids, we wouldn’t have just celebrated four fabulous years of marriage!

What constraints are you putting on your dating? Are they the really important factors, or just some preconceived notion based on stereotypes? At the end of the day, what’s really important to you? Are you flexible to thinking outside your “usual” specs? You might be pleasantly surprised!

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com. 

The post ‘Do You Prefer Divorced or Never Married?’ appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I attended a fabulous seminar in Atlanta two weeks ago. It was about Transcendental Meditation and the health benefits of allowing your mind, body and spirit to slow down for at least twenty minutes twice a day. The audience was a room of Type-A work-hard/play-hard women who were striving to have it “all.” The message was intense and, as an audience, we listened intently.

One of the things the speaker stated was that she starts every morning, not with a focused meditation per se, but rather with a conscious mental conversation reviewing the things for which she is grateful in her life. She does this before she even gets out of bed. She said that some people may call this a prayer. Others may make a more formal attempt at recording this mental conversation and keep a gratitude journal. She chooses to simply review in her mind the things in her life that make her happy, that bring a smile to her face, and that she believes she needs to give thanks for.

I was intrigued by this because I do the same thing. Most mornings, I spend a “snooze” worth of time mentally reviewing the things for which I am grateful, those things which I need to work on, my plans for the day, my worries, my concerns, my goals. This sounds like it might take a while, but in reality, it takes less than the 9 minutes before my alarm sounds again. Given that I have a strong faith, this turns out to be part prayer, part reflection, part mental to-do list.

I find those mornings where I am rushing out of bed and don’t take those extra few minutes to reflect are the days when something seems a bit out of sync in my life. I need that time to pause … to be still … and to be thoughtful and thankful. And, when the Medical Doctor who was speaking shared all the health benefits of taking those few extra moments to reflect, I was even more grateful that I have developed this habit in my life.

Too many people focus on the negative things going on in their lives, to the detriment of recognizing all the positive things for which they should be grateful. It’s the proverbial half-glass-full vs. glass-half-empty perspective. Why focus on the negative side of something when you can focus on the positive side … simply by just shifting your perspective slightly?

Going through a divorce is one of those times when many people have a hard time focusing on the positive. The anger, fear, and loneliness can at times present a situation where even the most optimistic of individuals has a hard time seeing those things for which he or she can be grateful. I suggest that there are always things to focus on, and I’m a big proponent of using humor when all else fails.

One woman I spoke with recently was really down in the dumps about her pending divorce. Like many women, she was scared, unsure of what the future would bring, and her self-esteem and self-image had been knocked pretty hard. She was having a hard time being optimistic about anything, and was pretty blunt about letting me know that she wasn’t an optimistic person in a good year, let alone in a year like the one she was living through at that moment. I smiled, and told her that no matter how small, we would be able to find something about her pending divorce for which she could be grateful. I encouraged her to come up with something … anything!

I got her to crack a smile. She told me she was grateful that she was no longer sharing a bed with a man who farted in his sleep! Perfect! Score 1 for the optimistic and grateful side; 0 for the negative side! She smiled again and told me she was grateful that she would no longer be finding his toe-nail clippings on the floor next to the toilet! Score 2 to 0! You can see where we were headed! She was able to find something positive to occupy her thoughts for a moment. Granted, these weren’t earth-shattering positive thoughts, but they were thoughts, they were things for which she was grateful, and they did bring a smile to her face! Success!

What about you? Do you take time each day to pause, reflect and be grateful? If not, why? Start small, and go from there!

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com. 

The post Cultivating the Art of Gratitude appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In some couples, one member of the couple notices more than the other that the sex has stopped. In other relationships, however, both partners grow detached and emotionally disconnected, and neither wants to acknowledge the problem the lack of sex has become. Do couples have to have sex to be happy? No, but provided that the couple is young and healthy, it is normal for couples to occasionally engage in some type of sexual behavior. When the sex stops, it usually stops for a few basic reasons.

Reason #1: Resentment

Pop quiz: What’s the difference between anger and resentment? The former is a feeling you have in response to an upsetting situation; the latter is accumulated anger over a period of time. Resentment is probably the one element that can erode a relationship more effectively than any other, because it causes one to see the other person as an opponent or enemy rather than a friend or ally. Just imagine having sex with an enemy. Unthinkable, right? It would never happen, which is why sex often stops in relationships where one or both members of the couple has a high level of resentment towards the other.

Reason #2: Boredom or Depression

If the sex has stopped, it may be because one or both members of the couple feel bored or depressed. In terms of boredom, it may stem from feeling stagnant in any of the following areas of life: relationship, career, or social life. Often couples get into set patterns to the point that the spontaneity and excitement goes away.

In terms of depression, it’s critical to understand that the depressed person will rarely voluntarily declare, “I am depressed and need a little help.” In particular, I find that depressed men are far less likely to open up about their depression than women. It can manifest as irritability, too much or too little sleeping, too much or too little eating, withdrawing from friends, and isolating within the home. Rarely will a depressed person feel sexual; the idea of sex sounds too intimate and draining, and that’s a problem when the depressed person already has little energy to spread around.

Reason #3: Exhaustion

Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. There are many reasons a person may be especially tired, though some of the main reasons include the following: taking care of an infant or young child, working and going to school at the same time, working at a job where you stand or move a lot, having trouble sleeping, and so on. A lot of times, women who have partners who are strong, solid men often have a hard time believing that a strong man could really be so tired that he’d turn down sex. Well, ladies, believe it! Many men feel exhausted but don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability and telling their partner just how exhausted they are. For some men, to admit exhaustion would be to admit weakness, distorted as that is.

Reason #4: Losing Interest

This reason, I find, is the one a lot of people are most afraid of when their partner stops wanting to have sex. She’s not attracted to me anymore or I just don’t think he likes me anymore are common versions of the feeling. How can you tell when this is the reason, as opposed to one or a mix of the others? Look at the individual’s overall daily lifestyle, including work habits, social life, exercise schedule, and mood. If he or she is happily and successfully swimming through most parts of their life but simultaneously seem to have little interest in sex with you, it’s very possible that the problem is detachment due to losing interest.

I always tell couples not to worry too much when the sex stops. Sure, you need to figure out the reason and start discussing it together, but it’s not something anyone should panic about or blow out of proportion. The most important takeaway when it comes to the sex stopping in a relationship is to learn to accept that a long-term relationship has cycles, and that sex disappearing is actually a fairly natural trend that occurs at least a few – or few hundred?! – times over the course of the relationship.

Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers and his book Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post When the Sex Stops in a Relationship: Common Reasons Why appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”  – Dr. Seuss

I love Dr. Seuss. Always have. Always will! And, I love this quote about finding someone whose weirdness is compatible with our own level of weirdness. I don’t claim to be a dating expert. After all, I married the first guy I dated after my divorce, but I do think there is something to being compatible with the person you fall in love with.

There are two sides to that equation and they can be counter-intuitive and confusing. What are we to believe? Is it “opposites attract” or “two peas in a pod?”

Let’s start with personality traits. Many times, successful relationships are found where the couple balances each other out. One is a planner; the other a bit more spontaneous. One likes to save; the other encourages a bit of spending now and them. One is a neat-freak; the other brings a bit of organized chaos. How boring would it be if both people were stringent savers? You might never go out to eat, or go on vacation. How boring would it be if both people were neat-freaks? You might spend all of your free time cleaning up and organizing to the detriment of enjoying a beautiful day outside. How boring would it be if both people are planners? You might find yourself so overly planned that all joy is lost in experiencing the moment.

Some couples find these differences cute and appealing when they first meet. They are willing to overlook these potential “irritating” behaviors, and instead find them cute or acceptable – or part of dating and relationships. Perhaps they foolishly believe, “I can change this person” and then they get frustrated when they are not able to do so. Suddenly the “cute” trait becomes a monster issue within their marriage! As one friend recently said to me, “I heard all about how important it was to share common values, a religious faith, and a solid foundation of love when I first started getting serious with my girlfiend – now wife – but no one told me how many fights we would have over the fact that she doesn’t understand what silverware caddies are for (all the silverware goes in any slot!), or that she doesn’t believe in using hangers (because all of her clothes are on the floor).”

I’ve seen successful couples understand these differences and embrace them. “Sure, it’s annoying that he is as thrifty as he is and we haven’t gone out to dinner in five years, but I’m also thankful that he is such a good saver and we have college tuition and our retirement well-planned.” These couples recognize that their personality traits or style differences have the potential to build a wedge between them, and instead choose to embrace those differences and value them.

What about compatibility around hobbies or activities? Does the saying, “the couple who plays together, stays together” hold true? Yes! I truly believe that it does. I believe that in the short-term, couples can survive despite not having any mutual interests but longer-term, this can lead to problems. If both people are gone every night of the week and every weekend pursuing their own interests, they begin to drift apart. That’s a dangerous place to be. Before you know it, they are vacationing on their own (he’s golfing at Hilton Head, while she is at the Bead Show in Asheville).

I’m not saying that every couple needs to share the exact same hobbies. I am saying that having mutual interests, activities and/or hobbies is important. That’s what being a part of a relationship is all about – spending time together, enjoying each other’s company, and enjoying doing things together.

There does need to be that level of mutual weirdness that drives compatibility. Maybe your significant other thinks your passion for rustic backpacking through the Grand Canyon is crazy. After all, to him, roughing it is staying at the Holiday Inn. And, the idea of you spending six hours on a Saturday walking slowly across an overly manicured lawn hitting small balls with a skinny stick is enough to make you want to pull your fingernails out. Go your own way – absolutely! Have at it. But, also focus on what you enjoy doing together. Are you foodies? Try that newest Thai restaurant – together. Do you like to garden? Plant all the stuff you need to make that great salsa – together. Do you like to exercise? Train for that 10k – together.

I spoke with a woman last week who has been married for 42 years … to the same man! To say they each lead busy, active lives would be an understatement. They both have a lot going on and differing interests. More importantly, they come together over a couple of shared hobbies about which they are both really passionate (some might say fanatical!). She said, “We love our busy lives, we love our friends, but really, at the end of the day, he is my best friend and we are most comfortable hanging out with each other.” Major compatibility!

Returning to Dr. Seuss, what are you doing to find someone whose weirdness is compatible with yours? Are you willing to try something new in order to spend time with someone? Are you passionate about sharing your hobbies with someone else in hopes that he or she will eventually share your enthusiasm? Are you open to learning and embracing new things?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com. 

The post Dating to Fall in Mutual Weirdness! appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

“I’m not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who’d owned a lunch box with my picture on it.”  Shaun Cassidy

I saw this quote, and I laughed out loud. I think it hit too close to home. While I never owned a Shaun Cassidy lunch box (my mom made me carry my lunch in those little brown bags!), I did have posters of him hanging all over my room. His album was the first one I ever bought!  The year was 1977. I paid $4.97, and I thought “Da Doo Ron Ron” was the best song ever! What was I thinking?

Dating someone who used to own a lunch box with your picture on it is something that most of us can’t relate to. That’s a 1970’s Shaun Cassidy, BeeGees, or Osmond brother kind of problem. The rest of us never have to worry about dating someone who carried their PB&J’s and Hostess Twinkies to school each day in a metal box bearing our likeness. But, that doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have other risks associated with dating!

As I was flying back from Miami a few weeks ago, I got into a conversation with the woman sitting next to me. As the conversation progressed, I mentioned that I had been divorced, and was now remarried. That opened the floodgates of conversation. She immediately opened up and started talking a mile a minute. Like me, she was also divorced (and had been for nearly 5 years). She was in her mid-40’s, and she was incredibly frustrated with the dating scene and never finding “Mr. Right.”

As she and I began to talk, I got an earful of not only how bad so many of her previous dates had been, but also how horrible her ex-husband was. I got a play-by-play of negativity and sarcasm. It seemed nobody could do anything right, and yet she seemed genuinely surprised when she told me that she wasn’t frequently asked to go out on a second date or third date.  Seriously?

This presented a dilemma for me. Did I call her out and suggest that perhaps she wasn’t asked out again because it wasn’t fun to be surrounded by all that negativity on a first date (or a second or third)? Or, was this an instance where I should keep my mouth shut? Aw heck … I was never going to see her again, and perhaps it was destiny that we had come to sit next to each other on this flight. I broached the subject … very carefully!

I asked her how long ago it had been since her divorce. She reminded me that it had been nearly five years. I knew that … I just wanted her to hear it again. Five years! Half a decade! And yet, she was still angry at her ex-husband and still full of negativity. When she spoke about him, you could feel the hatred radiate from her.

If I was feeling this much negativity in just our short conversation on our flight, I wondered how much her dates were picking up from her when they went out. I asked her what she found most attractive in a man, and she provided me with a litany of great traits – funny, kind, good to his mom, had to make her laugh, healthy (she said good looking was a bonus!). Never once did she say negative, sarcastic, or pessimistic. I asked her why, and she seemed surprised. “Why would I want to date someone who was negative?” she asked.

I carefully suggested that perhaps it was time to lose her own anger and the negativity over her ex-husband, and time to make a commitment that he would not be mentioned on future dates, no matter how interested or willing the other person was to discuss what had happened. It really can’t be any fun to date someone who is continuing to bash her ex.  It also would make me wonder if there is still too much emotion tied up there, leaving her less emotionally available for someone else. It also comes off as pretty ugly behavior to not be able to let go of the past – especially on a date.

Once I got home, I asked one of my good friends for his take on this subject. He’s in the dating pool, and he said if anyone he dates dominates the conversation bad-mouthing an ex, he tends to end the date relatively quickly, and there is no second date to be had. His rule was this: First dates should be for getting to know each other. Sure, maybe a history of a past relationship will come out later (and if it was negative and hurtful, that is part of the story, and may/should come out), but save that for after the first date, and even then, discuss it, then move on. Don’t harp on it. I thought that was pretty good advice. He added this point: “Even the most attractive woman – in both looks and personality — can turn ugly if all she does is use our date to complain about other men.”

It became clear to me. This negativity was her “risk,” or rather, this was the “risk” that men were taking when asking her out on a date. Shaun Cassidy risked dating women who had his photo on their lunchbox. My flight-mate risked turning off the very men she wanted to get to know better by focusing too much on negativity in relationships from her past. I think she intellectually understood this paradox when we spoke, and she agreed to try to work on it.

What about you? What are your dating risks? Do you exude positive energy towards others, or do you sap their energy with your complaints?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys.

The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com. 

The post What is Your Dating Risk? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

You’ve managed to capture love’s brass ring: a positive romantic relationship where each of you brings out the best in the other.

No one should ever apologize for wanting or having great sex. When you find the right partner, sex can be so many things, depending on the moment and mood: an exciting, exploratory adventure; a soothing and comforting interlude; and a love-filled interaction between two people who care deeply for each other.

Quick caveat: Good sex should also make you feel good emotionally. What’s bad about good sex is that too often people stay in a dead-end relationship because the sex is so hard to give up. If you find yourself in a relationship where the sex is great, make sure to ask yourself if you’re happy overall in the relationship. It’s terrific if the relationship meets your sexual needs, but that’s not enough to sustain a real relationship.

Typically, people who stay in relationships because the sex is so good have relationships that fall into one of two categories: relationships with too little or too much emotion.

The Relationship With Too Little Emotion

In relationships where there is too little emotion, the couple connects sexually but there is little else that bonds them. Imagine the couple, for example, who has phenomenal sex and then goes out to eat later, with neither member having much to say as they sit across the table from each other. Imagine another couple that has great sex, but neither wants to introduce the other to their family or friends. There is little emotional intimacy in these relationships, with sex providing the primary bond.

If this is the kind of relationship you’ve fallen into, it’s time to be honest with yourself about how happy – er, unhappy – you are in the relationship. The most common reason people stay in such a scenario is fear: fear that someone who meets both their sexual and emotional needs doesn’t really exist. Make no mistake: Staying for sex is a version of settling.

As I write this, I’m reminded of so many clients I’ve worked with who kill time in a relationship with someone who isn’t the right one for them, telling themselves that they are open to meeting someone new, should someone better come along. Simply put, this notion sends me through the roof! It is wishful, distorted thinking to believe that you are in the right mindset to meet someone healthy and new as long as your mental – and sexual energy, thankyouverymuch – is already invested in someone else.

Odds are that you wouldn’t keep putting change in a pocket full of holes, so don’t be more careless with your heart than you are with your hard-earned money! The goal is to never, ever let yourself rationalize your behavior to the point that you feel okay about staying in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you emotionally.

The Relationship With Too Much Emotion

Another reason why people stay in relationships for sex, even when they’re not happy overall with each other, is because they’ve gotten hooked on the incredible intensity of the relationship. In relationships with great sex but too much emotion, the couple often succumbs to jealousy, paranoia, poor communication, and extreme fights or arguing. The couple tries to convince themselves that the intensity of the sex – and all the emotional drama in between – is proof of how much they love each other. How misguided that notion is, unfortunately.

The truth is that these individuals don’t know what good love really looks like. Instead, they’re stuck in a self-destructive cycle of trying to prove themselves, waiting for their partner to change, or prove everyone else wrong who says these two individuals are bad for each other. Relationships with amazing sex but too much emotion are doomed because the couple never truly deals with and processes their feelings with each other; instead, they use sex to work out their issues. In turn, negative feelings keep coming back and getting more intense, so the dysfunctional couple needs the positive feelings that come with sex more than ever to help them self-medicate. The couple finds themselves desperately trying to reconnect through sex, as sex becomes the only way the couple emotionally connects at all.

There’s an old saying that has some truth to it: “In bad relationships, sex means everything; in good relationships, it means very little.” While I don’t believe the latter point is entirely true, you get the meaning. Great sex within the context of a bad relationship is a like a drug that will keep everyone coming back for more until each member of the couple gets honest with themselves and admits the truth: The relationship is broken or, worse, not much of a ‘relationship’ at all.

Getting caught up in a good-sex/bad-relationship dynamic can do serious damage to your peace of mind and self-esteem, making you lose faith in your judgment and your ability to attract quality partners. Be honest with yourself about the quality of your relationship, and remember that sex is supposed to be just one of many parts that make up a satisfying romantic relationship.

Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers and his book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post Sex as Glue: Staying in a Relationship for the Wrong Reasons appeared first on eHarmony Blog.