Through this method I’ve found wonderful relationships that lasted years, been on first (and last!) dates that still to this day make me cringe, and have made lasting friendships that thrive today. I love and believe in online dating…but will be the first to admit that sometimes it ain’t easy!

In my role at eHarmony, I’ve talked with and observed conversations between thousands of singles via eHarmony’s Facebook page, Twitter, and in other social media outlets and online forums. Over time, I’ve observed (and lived!) the many ways in which we online daters are our own worst enemies and play a critical role in our own lack of success.

In the interest of seeing more of us succeed in our quest for love, I am putting it all out on the line – pouring my heart out to share these observations and tips with you. Please know that I’m in the trenches right along with you, and the things I’m about to discuss – including the “tough love” I’m about to dish – applies to me as much as to many of you.

Here are five ways we online daters are our own worst enemies:

1.  We’re really not that into it…

Some of us feel badly about “having to resort to online dating” to find the person we’re looking for. To be honest, we REALLY need to get over that. Not only is the stigma dead and buried (as well it should be!) but we’ve reached the point where we live so much of our lives online that it’s SMART to employ technology to help you find a happy relationship. Some of us go into it assuming it’s not going to work, that it’s going to be a waste of time (and often money) and that we’ll end up ultimately disappointed with the outcome – and still single, to boot. It’s a very easy trap to fall into and it takes conscious effort and work to not only keep a positive attitude and believe that it will work, but to maintain that positivity during the inevitable ups and downs during this process.

Take everything you’re about to do very seriously — for example, commit a couple of hours to answering those 200+ questions we ask at eHarmony. Consider each question and answer with what IS true, vs. what you WISH was true about yourself. It’s absolutely critical that you be completely honest in answering those questions, as THAT is the basis on which we match you with other singles on our site. To illustrate just how important this is, I’ll share a story: I recently had the good fortune of being on set for our new eHarmony commercial shoot, and talked with our couples. It completely changed the way I look at online dating. As we talked with each couple, themes emerged and “honesty” — both with ourselves about who we are and what we want, as well as with our matches – was a major theme in these couples stories of success. This process, particularly on eHarmony, is like anything in life: You get out of it what you put into it.

2.  Our profiles are “meh” — or, are rife with vagaries and negativities

You answered all the questions honestly and filled out your profile/uploaded a few photos. You’re getting lots of views to your profile, but no one’s communicating. Definitely frustrating. Clearly none of your matches are serious about this process, they’re all shallow and looking for a man (or a woman) who’s:  ______ (insert any one trait you think you don’t possess:  richer, taller, thinner, younger, etc. )

So, just what is the common denominator here, then? You guessed it…YOU. Or, more accurately, your profile. How do you feel about the profile you’ve created? Is it robust and does it include multiple recent photos that accurately convey you as you are TODAY (or at least very recently)? Is it free of typos/grammatical errors? Does it use cliche answers to critical questions? (“I’m passionate about so many things, it’s really hard to pick just one.” “I’m really not sure what people first notice about me….I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”)

This is your chance to demonstrate that you’re a good communicator. When you’re given an opportunity to be creative and stand out in a positive way, why wouldn’t you take it? Does your profile speak to who you are without expressing any negativity about you or your potential dates/matches — or prior romantic partners? There’s virtually no better way to repel great matches than by filling a profile with overt negativity toward the opposite sex, online dating, the dating process, or relationships in general. Don’t talk about what you don’t want — talk about the qualities you seek in a partner, and the good qualities you offer in return. If you need help with this, a close friend or family member of the opposite gender is a great place to start.

And a quick word on photos…the more, the better. They should be recent and captioned with dates. They should be varied — some closer up, some full body.  And finally, PLEASE do everyone (especially yourself!) a favor and resist the urge to take photos in your bathroom mirror. And if you must take them, please don’t post them on your profile! These are almost never flattering photos and they leave your match wondering, “Doesn’t he (or she) have anyone in their life who can snap a decent photo of them?”

Finally, I would be remiss in discussing this topic without mentioning one of the chief complaints that members express to us, that their matches are non-paying members who can’t communicate with them. In many cases that may be true, since we do offer everyone who joins the site the chance to review their matches for free before communicating — but we work very hard to provide affordable opportunities for subscriptions to anyone who wants them. And we have reams of data which prove that when someone sees a match they truly want to communicate with, they WILL subscribe.

3.  Our expectations are too high, in a couple of very damaging ways.

It seems that many of us expect to either rarely or even never face rejection as part of the process — and we often take it very personally, even harmfully internalizing it when we are rejected. Remember, rejection is part of the process. Just as you won’t feel moved to communicate with ALL of your matches, not every one of your matches will want to communicate with you, and that’s okay. If someone closes you out as a match, all it means is that they weren’t the one for you. It’s not a sign that you’re “undateable”, that you’ll “always be alone” or that “love’s just not for you.” While it’s easy to get negative when a rejection happens, it’s critical that you don’t go there — otherwise you’ll be putting negative energy out there about yourself — and in doing so, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In his renowned career planning book What Color Is Your Parachute?, author Richard Bolles once included the picture of a typical job search, an entire page of his book that contained the following:

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YES

The search for love can look a lot like this as well. And in both cases the thing that really counts is the YES. It makes all the NO’s you had to go through to get there (be it one closed match, or a few less than great dates, or some promising prospects who up and disappear) completely worthwhile in the end. You can’t expect it to happen overnight. While some people are lucky and are matched to their love quickly, the vast majority have to wait a bit longer.

4. We often fail to “keep our eye on the ball.”

As we evaluate our matches, many of us get hung up on things that in the long run are not terribly important to a happy long-term relationship. Our service is designed to dig into the things that DO promote long-term satisfaction in relationships, and match you up with others who score similarly in those areas. Even if the profile doesn’t shine with awesome, (and many don’t, since people are notoriously bad at writing about themselves) if we’ve matched you, the potential IS there. Maybe they’re a couple of years older than you hoped, or he’s not quite as tall as you’d like…sticking doggedly to a “type” when your goal is to find a long-term relationship is a recipe for failure.

Now, this isn’t to say that you should date someone you do not find at all attractive or who lives 1500 miles away just because they might be a wonderful person. But if all signs are a go except one thing — and that one thing is not something that lends itself to long-term relationship satisfaction — you’re simply not taking an active role in your own success if you don’t at least try to talk to that person. Love is often found where you least expect it, and can come in a package that isn’t quite as tall, or is a few years older, or a few miles further away than you thought it would be.

5.  Dead end communicator…

So, you’ve put together a sparkling profile, one that virtually oozes with indicators of just how terrific a person and partner you are. You’re rocking a bunch of recent, varied photos. You’re getting attention – so much so, it’s almost hard to keep up with replying to everyone who writes you. Even if there’s temptation to reply only to the people who are REALLY interesting to you – don’t. Reply to everyone. Even if it’s a simple, “Thanks so much but I don’t think we’d be a good match – I wish you the best of luck!”

Everyone deserves to be acknowledged. They were probably excited to reach out to you, and to do so and simply not hear back is probably one of the most disheartening parts of online dating, so don’t do that to someone else. As for the matches you’re excited to communicate with, be sure to be an exciting and engaging communicator. Glance over their profile and personalize your approach. Be sure to end with a question about them, so they have a reason to want to respond to you. Before you hit “send,” read your message and ask, “Would this make ME want to hit ‘reply’?”

Sometimes over the course of communication, like after one or two dates that are clearly not leading anywhere, there’s a temptation to just disappear. Again…don’t. There’s a lot of debate about the most appropriate format for breaking off conversation at various stages of the online dating process, but the bottom line is it’s unspeakably rude to just leave someone hanging. You wouldn’t want someone you were interested in to do that to you, would you? Then don’t do it to anyone else. It’s common courtesy to at least send a text or an email to close things off.

Thus ends my rant, manifesto, whatever you want to call it. Go forth and be kind. Relax and seek out the FUN in the process. All easier said than done sometimes, but all entirely worth the effort and it will not just make for a better dating experience – it’ll make you a better person and partner in the process.

Have you been guilty of any of these online dating behaviors? What have you learned that you would like to share with others?

The post Why We Online Daters Are Our Own Worst Enemies appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Dear eHarmony,

After a six month run on eHarmony, 29-year-old Eli decided to let his membership expire. While the experience had been interesting and entertaining, he hadn’t met anyone compelling enough to keep up the monthly payments. He had a successful job, loving friends and family, plenty of opportunities for adventure and travel. Being single, he decided, was okay. To his surprise, Eli kept receiving matches the day after his membership expired. What he had forgotten was the automatic renewal policy. In that batch of “post expiration” matches was me…and we were married one year and one day later.

Eli and I hit it off from the start. I think what struck us about each other from the beginning was just how much we had in common. We were both the children of parents who were both pastors, heavily involved with service work in our communities, and interested in traveling and living abroad. Eli was always easy to be around. So many pieces of who he was reminded me of where I had come from. We had a comfort and familiarity between us – the kind that makes you wonder if our futures might be connected.

It took us about seven months to answer that question. Since we lived in different states, weekends were our coveted time to spend together. We went to the movies, the circus, the aquarium, comedy shows and hung out with friends. There were hours of nightly phone calls, checking in on each other and enjoying the pleasure of having someone to share that with. Christmas brought our first exchange of “I love you’s” and Valentine’s Day progressed the momentum of feelings and attachment between us. (The 14 consecutive Valentine’s Day cards mailed my way between Feb. 1 and Feb. 14th might have had something to do with that!). With spring came my birthday…and the gift of a lifetime. Eli handed me a plane ticket to join him on a service trip to Togo, West Africa. It would not only be our first trip together, but also our first time working and serving side by side. In May, a week before the big trip, Eli asked me to take the train into NYC after work to meet him for some Friday night salsa dancing. On the way there, we stopped in Times Square at a caricature artist’s station. I curiously watched as she began to draw the two of us together…and then Eli on one knee…and then a diamond in his hand! Eli, grinning from ear-to-ear with tears welling up, followed suit, retrieved a small box out of his pocket, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him right there in Times Square.

Our parents married us three months later in a Poughkeepsie garden overlooking the Hudson River. Precious is how I would describe the day. Rain clouds parted overhead for a patch of blue sky just moments before the ceremony. We released butterflies as a symbol of us being released to each other and the rest of the world. Guests said they had never felt so confident around the future of a couple than they had about us that day as we said our vows. One of the best parts of the day was giving all the single guests eHarmony cards. Who needs to rely on the strange superstitions of retrieving garter belts and tossing bouquets when a team of experts are just waiting to match you with the love of your life?! Over the first few months of our marriage, we have received numerous emails and updates from our single guests who are quite excitedly posting profiles, receiving matches, and meeting who might very well be the other halves to their “stories.”
We are immensely thankful to eHarmony for giving us our Once Upon a Time, and love having the rest of our lives together to see what the rest of the story brings!

Love,
Stefanie & Eli
Matched 9/17/08
Married 9/18/09

We recently received a joyful update from the happy couple – join us in congratulating Stefanie & Eli on the birth of their beautiful daughter, Karis Juliet!

The post Dear eHarmony: Stephanie & Eli’s Love Story appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Well folks, eHarmony has only ever used real eHarmony success couples in our commercials and other advertising.  After all, with almost 5% of marriages in the United States attributable to our service, it’s not as if we’ve got a shortage of couples to choose from.  

All the same, we know that pictures speak a thousand words, and so we’re delighted to be able to share with you some wedding photos of one of our couples in our recent TV campaign (and the eHarmony.com homepage), Justin and Kate.

Justin prepares for the big day

Kate gets the finishing touches before her walk down the aisle

Taking their vows

The kiss!

The wedding party

How sweet it is!

Bride and groom get down and boogie!

So glad we could bring you two together!

Special thanks to Kate and Justin and their talented wedding photographer Krista Lee for allowing us to share these photos!

Still need more convincing?   You can interact with real success couples on our Facebook page,  and read stories of eHarmony success here.   Do YOU know any eHarmony success stories from among your own circle of family and friends?  Please comment and tell us about them!

The post Answering the Most Common Question about eHarmony appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

According to the Eldregdes, one of the keys to their successful marriage is that both partners are willing to own up to their part in creating the current “challenge,” whatever it may be.  Read more here: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2566#ixzz0jsEeuwIT

The post eHarmony Advice Giving Away 50 Copies of New Marriage Tips Book appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

One of the best ways to find new friends on Advice is to visit our Groups section.  Groups are created and led by Community Members on a huge variety of topics: from Intelligent Conversation to Completely Stupid Conversations and everything in between. Fitness and Shaping Up, Monty Python Fans, Groups for 20-Somethings, 30-Somethings, 40-Somethings, 50-Somethings, 60-Somethings, Hopeful Romantics, Introverts, Australians – you name it, we’ve got it and if we don’t you can create your own Group (registration required) – it’s easy, fun and free.

Visit the eHarmony Advice Community today for support, feedback, friendship and fun.   We’re looking forward to welcoming you aboard!

The post eHarmony Advice Groups Provide Something for Everyone appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Often, we look for red flags in relationships as excuses to bolt. While discerning serious red flags is important, only concentrating on minor red flags (which I like to call “pink” flags) can sink a relationship before it even starts. Recently, eHarmony Advice asked the community to name their green flags—the important things they’re looking for in a partner.

Several eHarmony Advice members posted their thoughts, and their green flags ranged from thoughtfulness and honesty to compatibility and humor. Click here to read more of their comments.

The notion of green flags fits with one of eHarmony’s steps of Guided Communication, in which you’re encouraged to develop your own list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” and share them with your matches. Composing this list is a great way for you to focus on exactly what you want in a relationship—and what you don’t.

Even if you’re not on eHarmony, it can be a fun and educational process to develop your list of Must Haves. When you’ve put some thought into what’s important to you, you’ll be attuned to those attributes in potential partners that could lead to a “green” relationship—growing, healthy, and thriving.

The post Popular eHarmony Advice Article: What are Your ‘Green Flags’? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Launched in November 2007, eHarmony Advice recently reached a milestone, exceeding 25,000 topics on our Community Discussion Boards.  Our Community discusses all kinds of subjects, ranging from the practical (profile feedback, match settings, getting the most out of eHarmony features) to the philosophical (“What does it mean when he….”, “How can I know she’s interested?”, etc.)   Come share and get support from other daters like you, read articles, and learn how to maximize your eHarmony experience.

The post eHarmony Advice Milestone: 25,000 Topics appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In addition to features such as a Pregnancy Calendar, Due Date Calculator, Baby Names lists and polls, and Children’s Growth Calculator, JustMommies also features a helpful and vibrant online Community for help and support with virtually any parenting concern or problem. Visit us online at JustMommies.com.

The post New Look for JustMommies.com appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

eHarmony Profile Workshop: Question 1:  What are you most passionate about?
http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/showthread.php?t=24399

eHarmony Profile Workshop: Question 2: What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/showthread.php?t=24755

eHarmony Profile Workshop: Question 3:  Who Has been most influential person in your life, and why?

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/showthread.php?t=25135

eHarmony Profile Workshop: Question 6: What is the most important quality you seek in another?

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/showthread.php?p=632675#post632675

Come join the conversation.

The post eHarmony Profile Workshop on Advice appeared first on eHarmony Blog.