Sounds like you weren’t properly listening- and boy can we catch you on that one.  Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to the feelings of another person, and in relationships it is often thought the better a partner is at being empathically accurate the better the relationship is for both partners.  This is probably obvious when she’s coming home to share happy news about her day- and empathizing with her makes both you and her feel good.  What about during an argument?  A very typical response is for women to express themselves and men to withdraw or tune out.  For some, the idea of knowing negative emotions is just too threatening.  While it might feel better not to understand the exact amount of negative emotion your woman is feeling, it does not speak well for the future of your relationship if you can’t make an effort.

In fact effort might be all that you need to make.  A new study out in the Journal of Family Psychology found that women who perceived their men as visibly trying to understand them (men who were high on empathic effort) during times of conflict were more satisfied in the relationship.  The key word here is effort: a woman’s satisfaction was more strongly related to her perception that her man was actually trying to understand her negative emotions than for the man’s actual accuracy in reading those emotions.  Accuracy played a bigger role in identifying positive emotions (in the obvious directions for both partners).   So, when she comes to you angry and wanting to express herself, don’t try to brush off the argument with a quick apology- overall it will be better for you both if you make an effort to understand her feelings.  Don’t worry about creating a Rembrantesque picture of her emotional canvas- going for a water color level of accuracy may be all that you need.  As long as your behavior emphasizes the intent and investment to understand you’ll be on a better path to repair and reconnection.

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Like this post?  Here are some others you might enjoy reading:

The Top Ten ‘Can’t Stands’ for Men using eHarmony. It turns out that men nominate their top ten ‘can’t stands’ (deal-breakers) almost identically, regardless of what part of the US (or Canada) they call home.

How does your first name influence your dating success?  The curse of Sheldon.   New research points out that having a negative first name hurts your chances in the world of online dating (and beyond).

How many times do you look at a profile before communicating? You see a profile that you like. Before you communicate, do you wait and take another look at the profile just to make sure?

The post Mind-reading: Yes, women want it. Here’s why you should try. appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Researchers at UC Berkeley are looking at just this kind of communication, labeled prosocial gossip, to see if it indeed is used in this way.  The study had participants watch individuals play a game where one person cheated in order to keep more money.  Their heart rate went up, and they felt an increase of negative feelings on behalf of the victim of the game.  Participants eagerly took the opportunity to warn (i.e. gossip with) future players of the cheater in the game.  It was only by gossiping that their heart rate went down and their negative feelings were ameliorated.  Gossip used in this way can help you decrease your feelings of injustice and safeguard those around you from potential harm.  Go ahead- write that negative review!  Warn others about that guy misusing the dating site!

Of course, not everyone gossips to protect others.  Sometimes it just feels good.  In fact, holding similar negative opinions towards a third party has been shown to bring strangers closer together.  Why?  When you share a lightly held negative belief with a stranger- and this belief is reciprocated- you feel like you know them better (and more than if you shared a similarly positive belief).  Have you ever been on a date and bonded over your mutual dislike of some restaurant, band, or movie star?  This is another type of gossip in action.  One reason why this might be a bonding situation is that sharing negative beliefs is somewhat of a risk- if it is not shared, people may want to distance themselves.

There are plenty of ways in which gossip can be destructive.  Gossiping with malicious intent or as a form of indirect aggression has damaging results.  However, there are some instances where gossip not only helps you physically and mentally, it helps others as well.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might like:

Does online dating level the playing field on attractiveness? Online dating should theoretically give individuals an even chance to appear attractive, since the text in their profile could help offset aesthetic deficiencies.  Is this idea true?

Psst!  Listen to this:Go ahead and gossip – turns out some gossip may be good for our relationships.

To text or Not to Text: Dating and your Cell phone: When you are starting a new relationship, how should you use your phone? Should you call or text them? What kind of underlying signals are you sending along with your text message?

The post Gossip can be good for you (when it’s not about you) appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

How important is touch in our lives?

Physical contact can be so powerful that it can cause us to view people as more favorable, even if we don’t remember being touched by them.  We are more likely to tip more, buy products, oblige favors, and feel comfort if we are touched during these situations- however slight it may be.  Touch is fundamental to how we understand the world, and even provides us our first lessons in loving through cuddling we receive as newborns. New research shows that it is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves.

Researchers from Sweden recently looked at how the brain processes sensual contact.  Participants underwent MRI scans while their arms were stroked with a brush.   The brain responded in a region specific for social interactions and strongest when the stroke was slow (like a caress). Surprisingly, volunteers that were instructed to watch videos of people having their arms being caressed had the same kind of brain activation.  They concluded not only that the brain is able to distinguish sensual touch from other kinds of (nonromantic) touch, but also that watching sensual skin contact can make observers experience the emotional meaning of the touch without actually feeling the touch directly.

How does touch function in dating relationships?

Touching is tied to several components of healthy relationship functioning.  It is used in a variety of ways: to communicate affiliation in courtship, symbolize commitment, initiate physical intimacy or provide emotional comfort (to name a few).  In can also affect our health and stress level: those who report a history of receiving hugs often from their partner have lower blood pressure than those without that same history. Those that are aversive to touch have been linked to high levels of neuroticism, poor interpersonal skills, and lower self-esteem.  Individuals who are uncomfortable engaging in touching may also have trouble communicating their emotions.

The research above looks at social, sensual contact that is not overtly sexual.  Considering that the effects of watching some romantic behavior can activate the brain the same way as participating in the behavior, when would the bystanders most often see this kind of touching?  One way is through public displays of affection.  Are their certain stages of a relationship were public touch is more prevalent?   Previous research has found that couples who were in the intermediate stages of a relationship (committed, marriage bound but not yet married) were more likely to show their affection publicly than those who were dating casually or already married.   This usually amounted to more displays that communicated commitment, not necessarily necking or heavy petting (so that obnoxious couple at the table next to you making out profusely is not the kind we are talking about here).  Surprisingly, all forms of touch (both public and private) increases through each stage of a relationship until marriage, after which perceptions of touch drop.  Men- but not women- perceive that their partner touched them less after they were married than when they were dating.

What happens to you when you see a public display of affection?  Do you get tense and resentful and maybe say “Get a room!”, or do you smile sheepishly, feeling more relaxed and somewhat nostalgic, as if you too have received a physical touch of affection?  At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?

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Of course not- although George benefits from us watching the rest of the movie.  Promises from loved ones come in all shapes- from nebulous ones about general behavior “I promise I’ll be nicer to your mother,” to concrete and specific tasks “I promise to call you on Friday,” and grand gestures “I’ll move across the country for you!”  Romantic promises have the instant benefit of making one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them.  One who is promised something gets an instant boost of positive feelings, and if that promise is kept the relationship is often strengthened.  The risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or flat out broken.  We have all come in contact with people who promise something with all the love and authenticity in their heart, and then completely forget about it the very next day.  What gives?

In the context of relationships, people tend to let their feelings get the better of them when it comes to promising.  Research shows that people who feel most for their partner make promises more often and with more ambition, but are not any better at keeping them.  The feelings direct the motivation and the size of the promise (i.e., the more love they felt, the more ambitious the promise became), but not the follow-through.  George’s promise to lasso the moon indicates that he really loves Mary; making grand gestures to secure her love in return. In reality, this may look like your partner promising to pick up the dry cleaning, get groceries, and deposit those checks all before returning home.  However, once a promise is said, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior.

People in love often lead with their feelings but not their follow-through.  There might be an expectation of an ambitious and purposefully difficult promise in order to prove that love.  While everyone might be good at feeling love and a desire to please their partner, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it).  Promises are comprised of two parts: verbal intent and task completion.  If someone is good at being responsive but not great with self-discipline they may not be able to fulfill their promises.  In other words a person sincerely full of love might frequently over-promise and under-deliver.  In a strange way, those that feel more for their partner might actually let them down and endanger the relationship more often.

What this means is that one cannot judge their partner’s love necessarily based on their ability to fulfill promises.  In fact, it may be the case that your partner’s love may be fueling your partner to over-promise and let you down.  Well-meaning individuals typically promise more to their romantic other than what they can actually complete.

How have loved ones broken promises (both big and small)?  Were you able to give them the benefit of the doubt or did it erode your relationship?

The post Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Disagreement is always destructive: Do you think that partners should agree on all matters, getting extremely upset if your partner disagrees with you on even casual beliefs?  Can you not let an idea go until you both agree (or your partner agrees with you) even if it means you are up half the night arguing?   Do you feel that the relationship (or your feelings) is falling apart if you have a disagreement?  You might have an unrealistic belief about conflict in your relationship.  When couples can address their negative feelings is a safe and constructive way, it can actually help a relationship grow stronger.

Relationship partners should sense each other’s thoughts and feelings without having to verbalize them:  This is tantamount to mind-reading.  Do you expect your partner to understand your moods simply by the huff in your voice?  Do you think people really in love should be attuned to each other at all times?  While partners should be empathetic to one another, super powers are for comic book heroes.  You are expecting too much from nonverbal communication.  While it’s risky to pipe up and talk about vulnerable feelings, it’s the only way to true intimacy with the one you love.

Are there some ‘rules for a relationship’ that you just can’t give up?  Have you fallen victim to unrealistic expectations in the past?  Read about three more, and tell us your own- here.

The post Dating Advice: Do you have unrealistic expectations for a relationship? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

In the Beginning, there was the illusion of perfection

A burgeoning relationship (which I define as the first three months) is so filled with infatuation and (for some) physical interaction that it’s natural to feel the overwhelming positive wave that comes with the hope that the right person has finally arrived.  We push aside- or don’t ever see- some of their faults, and vault up their strengths to a label that sounds a lot like perfection.  We idealize.  We put on rose-colored-glasses of love, or what psychologists refer to as “positive illusions.”

Is this bad?  Not always, but for couples where the reality of the partner’s wants, needs, and behaviors is a gulf-wide difference to their idealized form, this spells trouble.  When this “perfect” partner is paired with a fairytale level of extremely high romantic beliefs, the inevitable disillusionment and disappointment might be too much to handle.

Fairytale beliefs about love lead to quick burnout in reality

What are some examples of fairytale romanticism?

Love can overcome any obstacle.  AKA: Love is all you need.  Turns out supportiveness, responsiveness, fidelity, communication, financial security and manageable stress (to name a few) are just as important to the success of a relationship.

There is only one ideal partner for me.  AKA: Soulmates.  This belief is a great way to turn yourself into a neurotic mess by 35.  There are many compatible relationship partners for someone out in the world.

True relationships are perfect, and so is my partner.  As it turns out, all humans have faults.  How couples handle each other’s shortcomings is vital to the success of their relationship.  Denying the presence faults might be the worst way to deal.

Does love feel the same to everyone?  Read about two more fairytale beliefs- and how to address them- here.

The post ‘We’re so in love, we’ll work it out’ and other Dating Myths appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

But do you follow your own advice?  Knowing the right thing to do in relationships and actually choosing to do it are not always tied together.   A recent study had participants reading choose your own adventure-type dating scenarios and to pick either a relationship-enhancing or a relationship-worsening outcome.

Here is an example of a hypothetical vignette referencing support:

Your grandmother is hospitalized and you are upset. Do you:

(a) Discuss this with your partner to get it off your chest

(b) Not mention the incident; it might ruin the night

Participants were asked to either choose which option was better through each vignette, or play the reading game by indicating which option they would choose. The results highlighted what many of us have to begrudgingly admit: we often know what to do in a relationship and do something different when it’s us in the scenario.  It’s akin to snoozing instead of exercising, eating fries instead of the salad, or “forgetting” to call your mom back. Thinking your “life experience” might help you?  Not so fast: individuals who were high in relationship knowledge were the best at knowing what to do, but that didn’t help them choose the better option.   By the way, the answer to the above was ‘A.’

So what gives?  What makes us better spectators at relationships than participants?  Read why, here.

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As it turns out, there isn’t a lot of recent research on the courtship length prior to marriage.  Decades ago the statistics ranged from six to fourteen months. Ted Huston, a leading researcher on transitions in relationships, marriage and parenthood, followed couples for 13 years starting in 1979.  He states in his study that happily married couples dated for approximately 25 months before getting married.  Unhappy couples were split into two groups.  Couples who were unhappily married soon after they said “I do” and quickly divorced more often married at or after three years.  Couples who fell fast in love were engaged after nine months, and married after 18 months.  These couples usually made it to their seventh anniversary before divorcing sometime later.  Is there a difference between couples that met recently and those in Huston’s study?

Currently I co-run a longitudinal study of marriage and family development, started in 2008 and ongoing, and the answers couples gave me about their engagement ranged from several months to several years.  On average, the couples in my study decided to marry 2.8 years after they first showed romantic interest (many couples knew each other before they dated, but that isn’t counted).  This may reflect growing trends in the delay of marriage.  Much has changed in the last thirty years, and those in my study are still reporting general satisfaction in their marriages.  There is actually a lower divorce rate now than in the 80s, and what marriage means on a societal level is also changing.  Only time will tell how modern marriages are growing and changing from those started long ago.

What do these timelines mean for you still waiting for your man to propose?  I’m a believer that couples can have independent timetables from those stated above depending on their circumstances, but partners need to have a mutual agreement and understanding about the future timeline of the relationship in order to survive- and that agreement needs to be upheld.  However, if you are asking yourself “when is he going to propose already?!” the deadline has probably already passed.  You’ve probably picked up on an inequity in  he relationship, and one (or more) of your needs is not being met.  You might even be filling your thoughts with anxiety and frustration about the future of your relationship.  The issue of how long to wait for the ring might be a decision point for you.   If not, you may find yourself like Jennifer Aniston’s character in Bruce Almighty (she repeats this long-suffering role in “He’s Just not that Into You”) whose boyfriend needs literal divine intervention from God to get him to propose.  In real life God doesn’t make such obvious house calls.

Before bringing up the proposal conversation, ask yourself these four questions:

Can you accept your relationship as it is, and remove/ give-up the expectation of marriage? Many women are interested in getting married simply because it’s validated by society, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a ring in order to be happy and have children. Many couples are choosing to cohabit as an alternative to or dress rehearsal for marriage. Research is mixed as to whether couples who live together prior to marriage are as satisfied as those that waited until after marriage. Most say living together prior to getting engaged has less promising outcomes, but this might not reflect changing cultural acceptance.

If not, are you ready or willing to take a stand for what you want? Read this question as- are you strong enough to leave? On one hand creating an ultimatum for your partner rarely motivates romance. And pressing someone for marriage might be brushing over the issues that keep him from proposing in the first place. Couples who have more conflict in a long courtship often deteriorate faster after marriage, and if you are already fighting or tense because of this issue, it might be best to address it now. You are not a used car salesman trying to get rid of shoddy goods. It might hurt to be alone, but it’s better for you in the long run than being in an unhappy marriage.

What are the issues that might be holding him back? Are these worth addressing, accepting, or rejecting? If you are focused on the subject, are you missing issues sitting just on the periphery? Is the timing an issue? On one hand, if either of you are still in college or graduate school and not financially stable it might not be a good idea. But a 30-something guy in a multi-year relationship with a steady job doesn’t have that same excuse.

Finally, can you wait it out? Maybe he really is just saving up his pennies and has a plan in place. This is, as you already know, one of the biggest decisions out there and shouldn’t be done hastily. If you are prone to feel anxiety during ambiguous situations, it might just be that feeling getting the best of you. Sometimes the desire to get engaged drives women to think and do things that their more rational side would dismiss. Bringing up this topic might start the trouble you were hoping to avoid.

You’ll have to search your heart and your head for these answers. If you choose to address these with your partner, bring them up gently when you both have time to discuss these issues.

The post When dating, how long do you wait for the ring? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Enter the first fight of your marriage.  The topic could be about anything, and while it might catch you off guard, the fierceness by which it is argued shocks you.   When this happens, you might question the love between you two, and whether it was a mistake to get married.  But don’t panic, at least not yet: conflict in early marriage doesn’t necessarily mean doom for the relationship.  Research shows that conflict styles in early marriage aren’t as influential on marital satisfaction as they will be later on down the road.   In fact, it can mean an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and more resilient to future challenges.  Couples who display good problem-solving skills (fewer commands/ultimatums, blaming, rejecting partner opinions, etc.) in the face of moderate stress early on in the relationship are often more resilient for bigger challenges in the future (such as parenthood).

Early marriage is a time of intimacy building, since major stressors such as children have not yet come into the picture.  But it’s also fraught with adjustments, and sometimes the “way in which it is done” has two different versions.  These adjustments are usually part of the learning process of living with someone’s opinions, bathroom habits, and peccadilloes.  They require compromise and acceptance by both partners in order to keep the relationship afloat.   Conflict can alert couples to the need for change in a certain area, and it’s easier to make these changes early in the marriage than years later after routines have become set in stone.

There are several key components to consider about conflict, especially during early marriage:

Is this a major or a minor dispute?  Several studies have shown that consistent conflict on minor topics might impede motivation to change, create resentment, and lower marital satisfaction.  While you may be disgruntled that your partner did not deposit an important check into your mutual account, if this was an isolated incident it might do more damage to get angry than to either let it go or bring up the topic gently.  Consider the possibility that the misstep could be attributed to circumstantial external factors affecting your partner (ran late from work, caught in traffic, fielded a call from you to go the grocery store), rather than a sudden and deliberate insensitive turn against you.  However, if the dispute is major or consistent, take heed.  When the problem is severe it’s better to constructively approach the problem and work to change it sooner rather than later.  Consistent missteps may reflect underlying issues within the foundation of the relationship.

Read about several more and how to avoid them, here.

The post Your First Fight appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

***

Scene: Halloween party: two nerds dressed in ridiculous outfits:

Him: Are you seeing anyone else?

Me: No.  Are you?

Him:  Ah- no.  Of course not.

-pause-

Him: So, can I call you my girlfriend now?

Me: Sounds good.  Let’s get another drink!

***

Clearly this wasn’t our best, most romantic conversation ever.  But by the time we got around to officially rubber-stamping the boyfriend/girlfriend titles into our relationship, I already thought we were exclusive.

What are clues that someone can use to verify their relationship is serious- without “the conversation”?

A recent study looked at dating rituals that would need to happen in order for daters to consider a relationship exclusive:

• Attending social activities together:  Sure, this one seems obvious- and over 90% of their sample listed it as their top choice.  I mention it only because in the world of online dating, people can spend a lot of time talking to each other online before they ever meet.  This may give daters the illusion that their relationship is already serious before a date has even occurred!  If that date doesn’t work out, partners might feel more confused and rejected than they would have otherwise if so much time had not been spent communicating online.  Just remember, it isn’t serious until you are consistently seeing each other face-to-face.

• Hanging out with his/ or her friends:  Clearly if you are going to parties or other events and meeting your partner’s friends, this person feels confident in being seen with you.  They are sending out a visual signal to their social group that they are potentially off the market. If the friends already knew of you before you were introduced, even better.  This ranked especially high with Caucasians.
• Hanging out with his/her family members:  Think of the pressure!  For many the family represents a litmus test for the relationship.  Siblings may also be best friends.  If you are hanging out with the family, there is a good chance this partner thinks the relationship is serious.  Interestingly, this choice ranked higher for African Americans than Caucasians.
• Dressing up and going out: Are you going out on official dates to places that require reservations and menus, or are you still in the meet-up-for-coffee club?  Have you gone outside, or do you always seem to stay in and cook/order food?  Do you start the night together, or do you only get a phone call right around the time a bartender yells “last call?”  Think about where (and when) you spend your time together, and you’ll get a sense of how seriously it’s being considered.
• Buying gifts:  This wasn’t high up on the list, but it stood out for men: if they were buying the lady a gift (especially an expensive one), they were more likely to consider the relationship serious.  However, this wasn’t equally true for the ladies!  A gift doesn’t make you exclusive. Consider an affordable option next time you start seeing someone near the holidays.
• Sex:  No one reported that sexual intimacy by itself would indicate exclusivity, but sex was considered valued in a serious relationship.  Men were more likely than women to consider sex necessary for an exclusive relationship; the researchers point out this might have been more of men’s opinion about the importance of sex as a component of a serious relationship, not an accurate marker of one.

Keep in mind that all of these components need to be happening in constellation with each other.  Don’t assume because one is happening that you have the golden ticket for exclusivity.  While it’s always best to confirm that your feelings about the relationship are mutual, taking notice of these signs will help you feel more confident that the relationship is progressing in the desired direction.

Further Reading:

Jackson, P.B., Kleiner, S., Geist, C., & Cebulko, K. (2011). Conventions of courtship: Gender and race differences in the significance of dating rituals. Journal of Family Issues, 32 (5), 629-652. DOI:10.1177/0192513X10395113

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