According to a study in her book, What Do You Want From Me?, psychologist Dr. Terri Apter found that nearly two-thirds of women report long term unhappiness and stress due to conflict with their mothers-in-law. Of all in-law relationships, the one between wives and mothers-in-law has been rated as the most difficult for Americans (Serewicz, 2006), though it’s also not uncommon for a husband to experience stress from his in-laws (Bryant, Conger, & Meehan, 2001). Taken together, it is no surprise that in many situations, the presence of in-laws exacerbates the stress of the holiday season.

To be fair, there are some really fantastic relationships between people and their spouses’ parents. Whether or not you believe you are able to attain this type of relationship depends equally on all parties involved. However, considering that this is not typically an overnight fix, I will present a few pieces of research to keep in mind during the holidays:

The Scenario: Your in-laws are laying on the guilt pretty thick for your decision on how you are spending the holidays (i.e., they tell you that you spend too much time with the other half of the family, you and your spouse want to spend the holidays alone this year, you don’t want to do a lot of traveling with the kids) and you feel that you or your spouse is getting “worked on” by an in-law.

What the Research Says: First and foremost, your allegiance should be to your spouse. The early years of marriage are spent trying to distinguish the union with your partner from the unions you both had with your respective parents (Bryant, Conger, & Meehan, 2001). One faulty crack in that bond and you’re bound to crumble at some point. By setting the precedent early on in the marriage and presenting a united front, you will protect yourself from this type of manipulation. However, it’s never too late to start! If there is no way of compromising with your in-laws on the issue of where to spend the holidays, try to remember: “happy spouse = happy house” and go from there.

The Scenario: Your in-laws are staying at your house for the holidays, and you find them trying to parent your children, or they feel that your methods of parenting are an invitation for their opinion on what you should be doing.

What the Research Says: Think about the last time you needed advice on parenting; who did you ask? Research has shown that most women tend to ask their own mothers for advice on parenting, while their husbands show little preference for their own mothers when seeking parenting advice (Marx, Miller & Huffmon, 2011). Not surprisingly, a woman’s mother-in-law will likely begin finding opportunities to give her opinion, whether you ask for it or not (after all, you married their son, so they must have done something right!) Next time you are noticing some tension or waiting for a remark about your parenting methods from your mother-in-law, try to beat her to the punch by going out of your way to ask for her advice or even just an opinion. The mere act of including your in-laws in your plans will make them feel like they have an active role in your family. During the holidays, take it one step further by asking for recipes, decorating tips or finding another way to make them feel important and included.

The Scenario: Your in-laws want you to abide by all of their traditions, leaving no room for your own.

What the Research Says: The area of traditions can be especially sensitive when it comes to the holidays. Whether you’re trying to mesh two religions into one household or even just your parent’s annual pancake breakfast with your in-law’s yearly trip to Black Friday sales, it can be tough to please everyone. Traditions can be a very sacred thing to some people. Part of the responsibility you have as a couple comes with incorporating each other’s lives and family rituals into your own. Be flexible to this idea, especially if it is important to your spouse. Empathize with your in-laws and think about how you would feel if your future son or daughter-in-law wanted to reject your yearly trip to Disneyland or important religious ceremonies. If it is really something you don’t buy in to, think about including their traditions in a special way or at least let your children (and/or spouse) go with them to keep the peace. Additionally, you could start a new tradition where everyone is included.

The Scenario: You find yourself in the middle of an argument about whether or not the kids should take an extra day off of vacation to spend time with an in-law (or really, any argument with an in-law).

What the Research Says: According to Apter’s book, the occurrence of this conflict is typically with a woman and her mother-in-law. She contends that conflict between a woman and her mother-in-law is derived from a feeling that one is trying to undermine the other. The way a husband interacts during this type of conflict is especially important. Indeed, research has demonstrated the importance of a husband’s intervention in this dynamic and the effect it can have on the quality of the marriage (Wu et al., 2010). Support from a spouse is one of the key factors that affect well-being in the marriage (Cutrona, Russell, & Gardner, 2005). In other words, it’s critical that the husband shows support for his wife during this situation by defending her and, again, exhibiting a united front with his wife.

The most important thing to remember during the holidays is that as a couple, you have a unique power to make decisions, including the decision to be happy. These decisions will influence the success of your holiday season as well as the success of your in-laws’. While ensuring that you and your spouse are a solid unit, try to find compromise when you can, and don’t forget to put yourself in their shoes. You can pick your spouse, but you can’t pick your in-laws. And considering how research has shown that even after decades of marriage, in-laws play a huge role in how couples view their marriage success (Bryant, Conger & Meehan, 2001), it’s important to remember this advice year round.

Further Reading:

Apter, T. (2009). What do you want from me? Learning to get along with in-laws. New York & London: W. W. Norton & Company.

Bryant, conger, Meehan Bryant, C., Conger, R., & Meehan, J. (2001). The Influence of In-Laws on Change in Marital Success Journal of Marriage and Family, 63 (3), 614-626 DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00614.x

Cutrona, C. E., Russell, D. W. & Gardner, K. A. (2005). The relationship enhancement model of social support. In Revenson, T. A., Kayser, K. & Bodenmann, G. (Eds.), Couples coping with stress: Emerging perspectives on dyadic coping (73-95). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Marx, miller, Hoffman Marx, J., Miller, L., & Huffmon, S. (2011). Excluding Mothers-in-Law: A Research Note on the Preference for Matrilineal Advice Journal of Family Issues, 32 (9), 1205-1222 DOI: 10.1177/0192513X11402176

Serewicz, M. C. M. (2006). The difficulties of In-law Relationships. In Kirkpatrick, D. C., Duck, S. & Foley, M. K. (Eds.), Relating difficulty: The process of constructing and managing difficult interaction. pp. 101-118. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

Wu et. al, 2010 Wu, T., Yeh, K., Cross, S., Larson, L., Wang, Y., & Tsai, Y. (2010). Conflict With Mothers-in-Law and Taiwanese Women’s Marital Satisfaction: The Moderating Role of Husband Support The Counseling Psychologist, 38 (4), 497-522 DOI: 10.1177/0011000009353071

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A recent study by Markey & Markey (2012) took a look at Internet search patterns across a 5 year period. They compared the frequency of using sex or relationship-related search terms with those for more mundane topics (i.e. pets, popular websites and car parts). They found that during winter months (and early summer) there is a consistent trend in increasing internet searches for online dating, pornography and prostitution. Now, I am in no way suggesting that these things go together – only that they all involve seeking out a mate for something other than friendship. Interestingly, these results coincide with findings of other studies showing similar seasonal trends of internet searches for keywords about births, sexually transmitted infections, condom sales and abortions.

One theory suggests that because Western cultures focus on these times of the year as holiday seasons, we have more free time and therefore more time to search (and possibly a stronger motivation to find somebody to share this free time with). Others say it could be part of an evolutionary biological cycle us humans go through when gaining the desire to find a mate.  Whatever the case may be, if you are still waiting to find that special someone online, you can expect a boost in potential suitors as the holidays grow nearer.

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Like what you read here? Try these on for size!

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Research from MacEacherson and colleagues studied this process and presented their results at last week’s International Association of Relationship Research (IARR) conference, (at which the eHarmony Labs team was lucky enough to attend and also present). Some of their results seemed pretty logical. For example, men were more directly aggressive when in a situation where they were standing up for their partner, while women were more indirectly aggressive. Additionally, both sexes deemed assertiveness as being the best call in terms of confrontation, being aggressiveness as the worst call, and a passive response falling somewhere in between.

However, even though women say it’s a better call to be passive than aggressive, it’s actually a worse call in terms of relationship implications. This is not to say that your partner should get really heated, but it does suggest that in order to feel the best about your relationship after a situation, your partner should definitely do something. An important note: the “offender” in this scenario was of the same sex as the partner. Therefore, this research does not suggest a woman stepping in for her male partner or vice versa (these results also shouldn’t be generalized to same-sex couples). Likewise, a male shouldn’t stand up to a female.

So the next time you feel you need to stand up for your partner, remember to be assertive, and don’t take on a person you know you can’t handle. In other words, speak up, but think before you speak!

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Have the rules of dating changed over the past 30 years? – Although the world changes quickly, does dating keep up with the times? A recent study looks at people’s ideas of dating and how they have changed over the last 30 years.

Can stress be good for a relationship? – Stress has been known to send your marital satisfaction on the decline, but can stress early in a relationship actually create more satisfied couples? Read here to find out.

The post Confrontation 101 appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Sound familiar? It did to me! Be honest, have you ever committed to something without really thinking everything through? There are times in life when everyone does this – whether it’s having one too many cocktails, not studying for an exam, going to sleep late when you have an early meeting, etc. Sometimes we can quickly recover from these things. However, when it comes to relationships, so much of your time becomes invested that it is not so easy to bounce back.

Whether you’re looking through your matches on eHarmony or shuffling past potential suitors in a bar, keep this in mind. Someone’s partying ways might be appealing to you now, but in 5 years when you have different priorities, will this be a deal breaker if his/her priorities haven’t changed? If you feel that you are looking for something long term, try to consider each person you meet as carefully as possible. This type of thinking now may save you from an uncomfortable breakup later.

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George Clooney, James Bond, Don Draper – all fantastically sexy, rebellious men. With countless women willing to flock to their every need, a seemingly endless supply of money, and an “it’s-my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, it’s no wonder they may not be considered the most reliable person, especially when it comes to deciding whether they would be a good parent. However, a recent research has shown that when women are ovulating, their judgment on who would be a good choice for a father was drastically different from the times they weren’t ovulating.

In the first study, when presented with online dating profiles of either a sexy man or a reliable man, participants were asked to estimate the expected paternal contribution for each (paternal contribution was defined as how well the man would take care of the baby, shop for food, help with chores, cook, etc.) When ovulation was about to occur, women depicted the sexy man as someone who would be better at parental contribution over the reliable-looking man.

In another study, women interacted with male actors who played the roles of either sexy cad or reliable dad. This interaction occurred once during ovulation and once when not ovulating. Again, women depicted the sexy suitor as someone who would contribute more when compared with the reliable guy. Interestingly, women only assumed the sexy man would be a reliable suitor to them, but not to other women (in fact, they were quick to point out inadequacies when the question was posited to be about the sexy man and another woman).

So the next time you find yourself oddly drawn to a bad boy, remember that your Auntie Flo may be tricking you into thinking Mr. Wrong is actually Mr. Right.

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The post Why Women Choose Bad Boys appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

A new study out of Wake Forest University suggests that photos featuring the left side of the face are perceived by others as more pleasant when compared with pictures featuring the right side of the face. It is suggested that this is because we present more emotion with the left side of the face. What was really interesting was that when the researchers took a picture of the right side of the face, then reflected it so that it appeared to be a picture of the left side of the face, people still found it more pleasing than when presented with the original image.

This is good news for those who may not have a great picture of their left side – simply make a quick edit so that it appears to be facing the other way. Open the file of your photo in Paint, then click on the “Rotate” drop down menu and choose “Flip Horizontal”. Voilà!

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Like what you read here? For more useful tips on profile photos: 

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The post What Barbra Streisand can teach us about choosing profile pictures appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Talk into someone’s right ear instead of their left – A few years ago, Wired magazine wrote an article about a study which found that when someone requests something from you, you are likelier to say, “yes” when they approach you from the right side. It is theorized that this happens because our right and left brain hemispheres appear to be tuned for positive and negative emotions, respectively.

Wear red – We have blogged about this before. In both men and women, wearing red increases your level of attractiveness when rated by the opposite sex. Women view men who wear red as more powerful and more sexually desirable (and vise versa).

Tilt your head in a particular direction – One study showed that if men have their head tilted about 15 degrees backward they were rated as more masculine and more attractive by women than when their heads were tilted forward. Conversely, when women tilted their head about 15 degrees forward, they were rated as being more attractive than when they tilted their head backward by the same amount.

Touch the forearm – In 2007, researchers looked at whether the simple act of a man touching a woman’s arm when requesting something would increase the chances of her saying, “yes”. In the first study, a man approached women at a nightclub asking them to dance while touching (or not touching) their arm for 1 to 2 seconds. In the second experiment, a young man asked women on the street for their phone numbers while touching (or not touching) their arm for the same amount of time. In both studies, women were likelier to say yes and dance and give their phone numbers, respectively if the man touched them while asking. A link was found between touch and the dominant position of the male and was used to explain these results theoretically.

Smile (or don’t) – You may recall that we wrote a blog about this last year. But this information is definitely worth repeating. Researchers found that while men were most attracted to women who were smiling, women were actually least attracted to men who were smiling, when compared with other traits (including sadness and shame!) Therefore, if you’re a woman, smile more. If you’re a man, maybe smile a little less and try to display expressions of pride when you can.

So there you have it; quick and painless things you can do to increase your chances of sex, or even just getting a date.

Further Reading:

Guéguen, N. (2007). Courtship compliance: The effect of touch on women’s behavior Social Influence, 2 (2), 81-97 DOI: 10.1080/15534510701316177

Stirrat M, & Perrett DI (2010). Valid facial cues to cooperation and trust: male facial width and trustworthiness. Psychological science, 21 (3), 349-54 PMID: 20424067

University of Rochester (2008, October 28). Red Enhances Men’s Attraction To Women, Psychological Study Reveals. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 10, 2012, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­/releases/2008/10/081028074323.htm

The post Five Easy Ways to Have More Sex appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Surprisingly, however, if you are looking to score a second date with someone, your best bet is to take them to a tearjerker. Research out of Ohio State University suggests that as long as the viewer of a sad movie is compelled to think about their loved ones, no matter how tragic the movie is, they will be happier after the movie is over. It is theorized that this happens because tragedies help people to appreciate their own relationships more. On the contrary, people don’t experience this boost in life happiness if the movie makes them think about themselves.

The findings from this study support the theory that negative moods make people more thoughtful. When you’re in a happy place, you don’t worry as much and therefore, don’t spend a lot of time stressing. When times get rough, one is forced to think about their life and their relationships in order to critically assess what to change.

So the next time you’re planning a movie date, be thoughtful of the flick you pick!

Click here to learn why you should spring for the large popcorn as well 

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Ohio State University (2012, March 26). Smiling through the tears: Study shows how tearjerkers make people happier. ScienceDaily. Retrieved March 25, 2012, from http://www.sciencedaily.com-/releases/2012/03/120326132533.htm

The post Want a second date? Make ‘em cry. appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

They presented a poster at the 2012 SPSP conference which summarized their exploratory study examining predictors of sexting behaviors and factors relating to motives and intentions of sexting. Their findings were surprising:

• The most common form of sexting was sending suggestive text messages.
• When it came to sending a sexy picture, women were more likely to send pictures of their full body wearing undergarments, while men sent photos of their bare chest more frequently.
• Women were more likely to send a sext if they had a negative perception of their body attractiveness.
• Similarly, women were more likely to sext if they perceived themselves as having a larger body.
• In men, perceptions of facial attractiveness predicted the likelihood of sending a sext, such that the more attractive a man thought he was, the less likely he was to sext.
• No evidence suggested that demographic factors such as gender, age, and social status, were predictive of whether or not a person sexted.
• There was a gender difference in attitudes about sexting: men viewed sexting to be less serious than women viewed it.

These results surprised me. I always thought that if someone was confident enough to sext, they were probably confident with their bodies. Because the biggest predictors had to do with perceptions concerning one’s appearance, the authors suggested that perhaps sexting is a passive, less confrontational way of maintaining a sexual relationship. This makes sense – with texting or even taking pictures, you are able to edit yourself and control what the other person sees.

Whether you view sexting as a vital element to your relationship or you just think it is a fun way of passing time, it’s important to stay true to whatever works best for you. However, if you are hiding behind your phone in order to avoid rejection, remember that there are many people out there that will love you for you. One last tip: remember that whatever you send can be stored and potentially distributed to the wrong parties – so be sure you know your audience!
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Like what you read here? Here is another post that might interest you:

To text, or not to text - When you are starting a new relationship, how should you use your phone? Should you call or text them? What kind of underlying signals are you sending along with your text message? Read here to find out.

The post Do you sext? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

New research by evolutionary psychologists suggests that tending to fall asleep first after sex is associated with higher desire for bonding and affection from a partner. Participants of this study were asked to answer questions about behaviors between partners after sex. They were asked to indicate “who falls asleep after sex?”, and “who falls asleep first when going to bed but not after sex?”

Participants who had partners that fell asleep first after sex were more likely to have stronger desires for cuddling and chatting. The researchers believe that perhaps falling asleep right away may be a non-conscious way of avoiding any conversation about commitment. Interestingly, there weren’t differences between men and women in who fell asleep first after sex (so we can forget about the stereotype that it’s always women who want to snuggle after coitus).

However, if sex did not take place, women were more likely to fall asleep first. Perhaps men feel that the longer they are awake, the more likely it is they will be able to entice their partner into having sex.

So which are you: A cuddler, or a sleeper? Though the researchers don’t suggest that one is better than another, they do seem to suggest that if you find your partner going to sleep before you have that commitment talk, try bringing it up before getting to the bedroom.

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How can you tell if someone is interested? - Studies show that most people are really bad at knowing who is attracted to them. Although human attraction is a complex issue, psychologists have made a few steps in helping to solve this riddle. Read on.

How you can kill love with “should”, “always” and “never”. Do you have unrealistic expectations for a relationship? – Do you expect your relationships to have a perfect fairytale ending? That you’ll never fight and will always be happy? Read more about this research to find out how unrealistic expectations about relationships may actually undermine them.

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