The gaze of attraction is no small thing. In an earlier study, Claire Conway and colleagues investigated the effect eye contact had in ratings of attraction. Among their many interesting findings, researchers revealed that pictures of happy people looking directly at the camera, instead of looking away, were considered to be the most attractive. This was especially true when participants were rating pictures of the opposite sex.

Researchers thought the direct gaze of the person in the picture was a signal of interest, suggesting that people look directly at you when they are attracted to you. As we know from previous research, a big predictor of liking is knowing that the other person likes you first (Condon & Crano, 1988). So cues like eye contact from the other person may let you know that they are interested in you, and thus make you more interested in them as well.

Interestingly, higher ratings of opposite sex pictures only occurred for ratings of attraction and not for ratings of likeability. In other words, catching someone looking at you may change your attraction towards them, but not necessarily how much you like them as a person.

The findings of this research suggest that you might have an easier time with the attractive stranger from across the room if you make eye contact and smile.

Further, as this research was conducted with photos instead of real interactions, the findings may have more relevance to dating and social networking websites. Meaning: If you are looking to attract members of the opposite sex, remember that it may be better to post happy pictures of yourself looking directly at the camera, instead of more serious faces looking away.

Further Reading:

Condon, J. W., & Crano, W. D. (1988).  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54, 789-797.

Conway, C. A., Jones, B. C., DeBruine, L. M. & Little, A. C. (2008). Evidence for adaptive design in human gaze preference. Proceedings of the Royal Society, 275, 63-69.

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Letting someone down can be difficult. You want to be clear that you are not interested, but at the same it is important to 1) be respectful to the other person and 2) be consistent with your own personal image of yourself (e.g., that you are a nice or honest person) (Dillard, 1997).  Are there ways to say no that can fulfill these goals? Can you say no without being rude?

In a recent study, researchers asked participants how they would respond to an email or an online dating message asking for a date (Tong & Walther, 2010).  Responses declining the date ranged from direct responses – “I just can’t go out this weekend” to more indirect ones – “I’m sure you can find someone else”. Inspired by their research findings, here are seven ways to let someone down:

Direct – “I can’t go out with you.”
Explanation – “I’m not ready for a relationship yet.”
Apology – “I’m sorry, but…”
Appreciation – “I’m flattered that you asked, but…”
Concern – “I hope you don’t take this too hard…”
Encouragement – “You’re a really great person…”
Different relationship – “Maybe we can be friends first.”

Research shows that women are more likely to use statements of encouragement and appreciation whereas men are more likely to use direct rejection messages.  What other ways do you know of to let someone down easy?  What works for you?

Further Reading:

Dillard, J. P. (1997). Explicating the goal construct: Tools for theorists. In J. O. Greene (Ed.), Message production: Advances in communication theory (pp. 47-69). Hillsdale, NJ: Earlbaum.

Tom Tong, S., & Walther, J. (2010). Just say ”no thanks”: Romantic rejection in computer-mediated communication Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28 (4), 488-506 DOI: 10.1177/0265407510384895

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When looking at actual relationships, however, men were more likely to profess their feelings first!  62% of participants reporting on past relationships and 70% reporting on current relationships stated that the man said “I love you” first.  On average, men started thinking about professing their love about 3 months into the relationship whereas women in the study started thinking about it closer to 5 months into the relationship.

Researchers suggest this happens because women’s physiological traits (i.e., childbearing abilities) are evolutionary more “valuable.”  Therefore, women can afford to wait for declarations of love and be more selective about who they choose to love…or have sex with.

In another few studies, these same researchers examined whether men and women have better reactions to statements of love before or after having sex in the relationship. Men rated more happiness and felt more positive emotion if they received confessions of love before having sex. They also felt confessions were more honest if said before sex. This was especially true for men with short-term relationship goals (people more interested in short-term sexual relationships rather than commitment).  For these people, hearing “I love you” before sex may have indicated that the other person was interested in physical intimacy.

Women were happier and felt more positive emotion if first declarations of love came after sexual intimacy in the relationship. Happiness was associated with feelings of romantic excitement, especially for those who had long-term relationship goals (people looking for a commitment in a relationship rather than sex). When women thought about someone declaring love before sex, they perceived the other person to be less trustworthy and sincere.

For relationships in which sex had already occurred, both men and women thought the appropriate time to declare love was between 3 and 6 months. If participants were imagining a scenario where sex had not occurred, men but not women were more likely to think it was appropriate to declare love earlier – about a month into the relationship.

Of course, saying “I love you” in a relationship is an individual decision based on many factors, but timing, gender, and relationship goals might influence how one’s partner reacts.

Further Reading:

Ackerman, J., Griskevicius, V., & Li, N. (2011). Let’s get serious: Communicating commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology DOI: 10.1037/a0022412

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When asked how many dates they had in the past three months, singles looking for a partner said the following:

• 25% went on 5 or more dates
• 22% went on 2-4 dates
• 13% went on 1 date
• 36% hadn’t been on any dates in the past 3 months

Oddly enough, there were more singles not looking for a partner than looking for a partner, with 26% of US adults not married and not looking.  Although it is possible that a good portion of those unmarried people were in a romantic relationship already.

It’s been a while since this research was done.  How do these findings compare to you?  How many dates have you been on in the last 3 months?

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs you might enjoy:
·    Who should make the first move? – When online dating, should you make the first move or wait for them?
·    Trends in Marriage, Cohabitation, and Divorce – find out how relationships have changed over the last 50 years
·    Do pick-up tactics really work? – find out which pick-up tactics actually work and on whom

The post Single and Dating in America appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

A recent study looked at how imitation (that is, copying the other person’s behaviors) relates to desires to date or get physical with another person.  Researchers found that men imitated more behaviors and desired the other person if that person was attractive (as judged by outside raters).  Women on the other hand imitated men more when they thought the man was in a position of high status.  However, this wasn’t related to the woman’s desires to date or get physical.

Researchers suggest that imitation is a subtle way to show that you like someone or possibly a way to get them to like you. Ladies, if you’re unsure if a guy is into you, try leaning forward and see if they follow suit.

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Similar blogs from eHarmony Labs:

• Imitation is good for your relationships - Find out how imitating words and facial expressions improves your relationships.
• I’ll Have What She’s Having (but only if she’s good looking) – why your man looks better to other women
• Who should make the first move? - Waiting for someone else to make a first move?  Find out why they might be waiting for you.

The post Body language: How to tell if your man is interested appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Which desires were the strongest?  Things like sleep, sex, going to the bathroom, and interacting with others were among those most strongly desired.

And the goals that produced the most conflict for people included having fun (leisure activities) and sleeping!  Instead, people were more likely to work or watch tv/use the internet (media) – desires that they tried and failed to control.

Researchers even found that people were less likely to restrain themselves later in the day if they were busy restraining themselves earlier in the day. It didn’t matter what the desire was – people who often tried to quench their desires, were more likely to succumb to temptation.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs you might enjoy:

• Forbidden Fruit: The Cause and Effects of Temptation
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The post What do people desire in their everyday lives? appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

A study on cyber-flirting revealed how people show their interest in others online.  They found that a lot of the things we do offline can have similar meanings online.  Inspired by their research, here are a few things to look for to know if someone is interested:

1. A good first impression – instead of setting the stage by doing their hair and wearing perfume or cologne, people online often put their best foot forward by describing their better traits and posting a flattering picture.  A thoughtful profile can communicate that that person wants you to like them.
2. A smile or laugh – without seeing someone’s face, use of emoticons like :) and acronyms like LOL (laughing out loud) can show a smile and a hearty laugh.  Use of flirtier faces like winks and giggles (hehe) may communicate even more intimacy.
3. Responding – and responding quickly.  Getting a message back that addresses previous conversations or facts can be a sign that someone gets you, and getting a message quickly may show their excitement in you as well.
4. Self-disclosure – intimacy in any relationship grows as both people get to know each other.  Having someone tell you their personal story is just as important as them listening to yours.
5. Compliments – nothing’s clearer than a flat out compliment.  It shows not only that they like you but what specifically they like about you.

Not every flirting signal translates well online – like leaning in or biting your lip.   Some behaviors may be saved for your first meeting in person.  What are some things you do to flirt online?

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

•  What Type of Flirt Are You? – find out more about common flirting behaviors and the kinds of relationships that come from them
•  Sexual intentions are written all over your face – subtle facial cues can help you know whether someone is interested in sex or a relationship and it turns out we’re pretty good at it
•  How can you tell if someone is interested? – most people are bad at knowing whether someone is interested in them, but promiscuous men and kind women are better at telling
  

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1)      List your favorite sweet on your dating profile.  Participants saw a photograph and a description of a favorite food, something like “I like tiramisu.”  When the photograph was paired with a sweet rather than sour, salty, spicy, or bitter food, people thought the person in the photograph was kinder.

2)      Eat a chocolate before your next date.  It helps you see yourself as a kinder person and act in more generous ways. Participants who ate a chocolate, rather than a sour candy or cracker, rated themselves as kinder and volunteered more of their time to help in another research study – an objective measure of kindness.

3)      Order dessert.  If chocolate can help you before the date, why not get a refresher during the date?  In fact, think about sharing dessert with your date – it might make you both feel kinder and more generous too.

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Here are similar blogs from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

• Chocolate the Aphrodisiac: Science or Myth?
• Scientists use serotonin to change the way you think about relationships
• Five easy ways to have more sex

The post Yes, chocolate can help your dating life appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Environment also mattered.  Good date food came from a place with a fun environment where people could take their time eating, and getting to know one another. Good date foods were more likely to be on the light and healthy side rather than heavy or filling.

Based on this research, here are 5 things to order and 5 to avoid on your next date:

Want to read more?  Here are similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

• Food Preferences Impact Relationships – how sharing meals can improve your relationship, even if you and your partner have different food preferences
• Eating with others affects what you eat – can being more comfortable with someone make you eat more?
• Women, men and comfort food – find out the different kinds of foods men and women eat for comfort

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The post 5 Good and Bad Date Foods appeared first on eHarmony Blog.

Specifically, cheating has been related to executive control – the ability to curb impulsive behaviors for the benefit of long term goals.  Executive control can be measured in a number of ways including the ability to work on multiple tasks simultaneously or to manipulate a large amount of information by memory.  The idea is that more control a person has in his/her working memory, the greater the ability to regulate thoughts and impulses.

People in romantic relationships with less executive control stated that they had more difficulty staying faithful to their partner. They also flirted more with attractive strangers and were more likely to want to to meet an attractive stranger in person.

For some, cheating can be a compulsion – an inability to resist an opportunity to be with someone else no matter the consequences.  If you have a hard time resisting temptation, here are a few tips:

1. Don’t make decisions when you’re tired or stressed. Since cognitive ability is important in impulse regulation, good sleep and relaxation can make for better decisions.  Research shows that infidelity occurs more in times of psychologically distress.
2. Remember the long-term goal – research shows that reminding people of love reduces feelings of attraction to others.

Understanding how people cheat may help increase behaviors to prevent cheating.  For more information, here are a few similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

• Forbidden Fruit: The Cause and Effects of Temptation – Find out what causes attraction to others and what you can do about it
• Is Monogamy Possible? – Learn more about the prevalence of monogamy in relationships and the known risk factors of infidelity.
• Jealousy in an Online World – Find out what makes us jealous and how it manifests in an online world

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