Looking for Love? Try the ‘Wow’ Theory

January 6, 2014

By

Relationship coach Michal Spiegelman joins us today to blog about what she calls the “wow practice”. Learn how her simple tips and thoughtful questions can improve your love life.

 

how to find love 300x198 Looking for Love? Try the Wow TheoryMeet Laura. Laura is in her late 20s and single. What she really wants this year is to find the perfect guy and finally have a long-lasting relationship. She’s had several relationships with guys who have cheated on her, lied to her, and treated her poorly. She has poured all of her “self” into these relationships and is frustrated that she just can’t seem to find a guy who will treat her right. So, in an effort to be proactive, she’s made a list of what her next guy MUST have in the future:

  1. Must put her first
  2. Must treat her with respect
  3. Must make her feel good about herself
  4. Must be athletic
  5. Must not drink
  6. …and on and on

These are all good attributes, right? So, what’s wrong with Laura’s list? Is it wrong to have high standards for others? Not entirely, but the mistake Laura is making is that she’s looking outside herself for what she really needs on the inside. She needs to become the attractive person she is looking for. Now that Laura knows what her goal should be, how does she achieve it?

Start with taking responsibility:

Laura has a large dose of what’s called “victim mentality”. She believes that life is happening “to” her and she has no control. What she’s trying to do by creating a strict list of “must haves” for others is take back some of that control. But taking control starts inside—not by creating a list of qualifications for other people. Blaming other people or situations causes passivity.

Being cautious and doubtful is like carrying around an invisible flag that says: “I’m not good enough.” This unconscious action speaks loudly. Clean up your side of the street first, release that victim mentality, and start taking real responsibility. Tap into your power and ask: “What can I do right now to change my situation?”

Change your focus:

As soon as you step away from victim mentality and take charge over what and who you want to attract, your focus shifts. This shift takes you from “how he should be,” to “who I want to be”. This is where transformation happens. Think for a minute about who you want to attract. You want someone with energy, a positive outlook, brimming with confidence? Begin by being that person. When you are in your power, confident, engaged, and energetic, it’s like a magnet. You attract similar people.

To begin discovering who you want to be, ask yourself the following questions honestly, on a scale of 1—10; 1 being “not” and 10 being “totally”:

  • How confident are you when you engage and interact with the world?
  • How inspired are to you daily “be” in the world, fully engaged?
  • How actively are you “being” the person you want to attract?

Your responses will tell you where you are and where you need to be. Now that you’ve made the decision to take responsibility and become who YOU need to be, the real work begins. So how do you change?

The power of practice:

The secret to becoming who you want to attract is to create a daily practice that keeps you “wow’d” and inspired. Wake up every morning with a “Wow” attitude that tells your old victim mentality to take a hike. Creating any new habit takes time, and you must commit fully to the new act by practicing it every day. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes, you must create a habit of connecting with your power every day. I call it your “daily Wow Practice.” What does this look like? It can be as simple as 5 minutes of meditation, focusing your thoughts on gratitude and positively embracing your day. It can be reading something inspiring or motivating. It can be creating and reading daily affirmations. Whatever inspires you to be your best “wow,” make it your new habit.

In her book Help, Thanks, Wow, New York Times bestselling author Anne Lamott writes: “Wow is offered with a gasp, a sharp intake of breath, when we can’t think of another way to capture the sight of shocking beautify or destruction, of a sudden unbidden insight or an unexpected flash of grace. ‘Wow’ means we are not dulled to wonder. We click into being fully present when we’re stunned into that gasp. ‘Wow’ is about having one’s mind blown by the mesmerizing or the miraculous: the veins in a leaf, birdsong, volcanos.”

What Lamott is talking about is opening your eyes to the miracles around you. It means looking at all parts of life and seeing the “wow” in them. Practice looking at things daily with a “wow attitude,” and you will engage more fully in your life. See the progress you make and congratulate yourself. This will help you attract the kind of person you are looking for, the kind of life you want to live, and most of all it will make you be the “wow” person you really want to be.

More at YourTango:

Do I Still Have a Chance with My Ex?

The Case For Public Crying

Originally published on YourTango.

more blog posts

By posting a comment, I agree to the Community Standards.
Need help with eHarmony.com?