What Women Searching for ‘The One’ May be Missing

May 6, 2013

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Today’s guest blog comes from the empowering founder of Singularcity Kim Calvert, who once again encourages women to look inside themselves to find fulfillment.

Single women learn a lot about men during our search for “the one” but after all we’ve read, said and done, have we been searching in all the wrong places?

whatwomenknowaboutmen 265x180 What Women Searching for The One May be MissingWe single women think we know a lot about men. We talk about them a lot, we’ve heard a lot about them from our mothers, our big sisters, our girlfriends and from books like “Why Men Love Bitches” and “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” After all of our vast research — and that includes our share of relationships with them (where we really learned a lot about men) — we enrolled in “finding love” seminars, bought more books and read even more articles in women’s magazines. And still, we kept searching, searching, searching for “the one” — our one.

By the time we were in our 30s, we knew, or thought we knew, everything about men — that they were only interested in sex, they were cheaters, liars, selfish and egotistical jerks, sloppy and helpless babies, especially when sick. Nevertheless, we were certain we still wanted one — “the one” — and continued to spend a lot of time looking for him at happy hours, online dating services, singles mixers and sports events, believing that if we just looked long and hard enough, “the one” would appear, different from all the others, and we would finally be happy and complete.

Now guys, before you get too smug, it’s not just women who do this. You do it too. You think you know a lot about women — that they’re bitchy, bossy, gold diggers, gossipy, stuck up, spoiled, nit-picky and demanding. And despite what you think you know about women, you want one too and fall into a similar mindset that there’s someone out there, outside of yourself, who will one day be your other half.

The one we all seek, “the one,” is beautiful inside and out, dependable, responsible, confident, worldly, wise, sensitive, warm, affectionate, trustworthy, faithful, supportive, dedicated and passionate about something in their life. But try as we may, we continue to have the same experience, over and over, and the hungry search goes on.

When he or she doesn’t materialize, we blame our city, our jobs, the season, the era, whatever. But we never stop to consider that instead of focusing on finding “the one,” our energy would be better spent on becoming “the one” ourselves.

Rather than feeling incomplete and trying to fill the hole that gnaws inside us, what if we focused instead on developing the qualities we seek so urgently outside of ourselves? If we focused on becoming “the one” and found self-acceptance, freedom and empowerment within ourselves, if we learned to be content and fulfilled regardless of whether or not we happened to have a romantic partner in our lives, if we attracted the energy we projected, maybe we’d find that our relationship status no longer has such a powerful influence on our identity — and that being single was simply an attitude of self-acceptance and the willingness to see ourselves complete as a party of one.

Many experts say the key to finding a soulmate is focusing on yourself first and foremost, do you agree with this?

Kim Calvert is the editor of Singular magazine and the founder of the SingularCity social networking community. A single lifestyle expert and an outspoken champion of single people everywhere, Kim oversees the creative direction and editorial content of the magazine and online social networking community

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