Written by Janet Ong Zimmerman, YourTango.com
Today’s guest blog is from relationship coach Janet Ong Zimmerman, who writes about her own experience of losing love — and then getting it back without sacrificing her integrity.
If you’re a woman who has tried to get your ex back, you’ve most likely taken the “desperate times call for desperate measures” approach, causing you to do all kinds of unfortunate things, including the walk of shame and the drunk dial. These unflattering behaviors render you his doormat, and ultimately push him away.
I know how excruciating it is when you still love him after your relationship ends. I’ve been the desperate woman who has tried unsuccessfully to get (a couple of) my exe(s) back. What I remember most is feeling insecure during the process and embarrassed about some of the things I did. My wake-up call in 2007 changed me for the better.
In 2007, I experienced some big setbacks, including a breakup with a man I loved dearly. I was devastated, and deep inside sensed our relationship wasn’t over. These setbacks helped me learn how to love myself. The more I loved myself, the less my desire to behave in desperate ways to get him back.
My approach wasn’t about initiating and worrying whether or not he would come back. It was about responding and having an inner-knowing that he would come back because he wanted to, while at the same time knowing that I would be fine if he didn’t.
This empowering, six-step approach led him back to me and made me his wife.
1. Don’t disagree with why things ended. If he brings up the reasons why your relationship ended, don’t disagree with him. Find the truth in what he’s saying, acknowledge it and apologize for it. It’s better to be happy and loved than to be right. Wanting to be right is your ego stepping in and overshadowing your soul’s desire to be happy and loved.
2. Don’t try to convince him of all the reasons why he should come back to you. Trying to convince your ex why he should come back to you pushes him further away. It reinforces why he’s better off without you because you appear needy and desperate. Needy and desperate are traits that will kill any attraction he may have for you.
Men are drawn to women who are happy with themselves. So, be happy, live your life and let your radiant energy cause him to second guess why you’re not together. Remember, you are a prize. You should never have to convince him to be with you.
3. Take responsibility for your role in the breakup. In every breakup you’ve experienced, you’re the common denominator. Instead of blaming him for what’s happened, look within and determine how you contributed to the demise of your relationship. For instance, if you’ve tended to question your exes because you have a hard time trusting them, you have trust issues. Do the inner work to learn how to trust yourself so that you become more trusting. If he comes back, this issue won’t resurface and cause another breakup.
4. Let him come to you. A man places a higher value on getting what he has to work for. When you miss your ex, don’t make it easy for him. Instead of calling him during a weak moment, call a supportive friend. The space created lets him miss you and wonder what you’re doing. He will contact you because he wants to see you, wants a booty call (decline politely), misses you, etc. When he does, respond accordingly. Avoid having sex with him until the issues that led to the break up are resolved.
5. Put yourself first. Put yourself first and do what’s best for you. When he comes to you, don’t pick up where the relationship left off. At this point, he has more of an incentive to resolve the issues that led to the breakup because he wants you back. Now is the time to address and work through these issues. Don’t let him convince you that the problem was yours. Even if the problem started with you, the way he responded or didn’t respond made things worse.
Do the inner work to resolve these issues without letting him know you’re doing the work. The reason you don’t need to let him know is because he won’t believe it until he experiences the changes. Just do the work and see how he responds. If he responds positively, you’re moving in the right direction. If he continues responding in the way that contributed to your breakup, he’s not the one for you.
6. Hold a clear and positive vision. Be clear on how you want your relationship to be this time around. Then behave and act in ways that support your vision and make you feel good about yourself. Let things unfold naturally and stay open to the outcome. If you find yourself becoming obsessed with getting your ex back, relax and trust that things will work out for your greater good. If he doesn’t come back, understand that there may be someone else who is better for you. Let God, the higher power, the Universe or whatever you believe in bring you the man you’re supposed to be with.
Caveat: He is not worth getting back with if he uses you, is a freeloader, is verbally, physically and/or emotionally abusive towards you, influences you to do things that are immoral, unethical or illegal, has substance abuse problems, blames others and never takes responsibility for himself, cheats, lies or can’t be trusted.
You will be fine. The benefits of this approach are immense. If he comes back, you’ll have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. You’ll have set a higher standard for how he loves and treats you. If he doesn’t come back, you are a stronger and better person. You will attract a man who is better for you. In either case, you will have a more loving relationship with yourself.
Article originally published at YourTango.com: How to get him back without seeming needy or desperate