A dear Advice community member wrote in with her story of confusion and heartache after being abruptly dumped by her boyfriend of 9 months. As I was reading her story, I kept thinking … red flag, red flag and oh, red flag. What struck me was how she didn’t see some of his behaviors as worrisome. But as they say – love is blind – and we have certainly all been there.
The initial red flags: She said it was rocky from the start (not normal), he had been with over 30 women already, (they are only in their 20s) and he’d make comments like, “When you leave me…” and “Your future boyfriends will be so lucky.” What kind of person says that? Someone playing games with your emotions and looking for reactions, that’s who. Not a thoughtful, caring individual.
More warning signs: She said he wanted to spend every second with her, texted her constantly, and would beg her to always return to him as soon as possible. Clingy behavior isn’t a good sign and can indicate some issues with control or low self esteem.
The kicker: He then pulls a fast one — going from the loving boyfriend one minute to dumping her the next. He tells her she is the most wonderful person he has ever met in one breath, and in the next, that she should be more careful with her heart. She is left stupefied. But his erratic patterns of behavior, sadly, were there from the start.
This guy took her for an emotional roller coaster ride, the kind that leaves one dizzy and nauseous at the end. This is the type of person one should run from, because a good, balanced relationship shouldn’t be like that. When you meet a healthy person, and start dating, there should not be needless turmoil. There should not be a constant influx of mixed messages. The person should give you space, and have their own life too. So this is why I say to her – be grateful he’s your ex. You may never know what went wrong, but I assure you, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did wrong.
A fellow Advice member gave her this tip when looking for future partners, and I couldn’t agree more: “You can prevent that by learning to avoid people whose words and behavior are erratic, contradictory, inconsistent and don’t make sense.”
Looking back on past relationships, what do you see now that you didn’t see then?
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Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I totally agree with you! That girls should be really grateful that she didn’t end up with him. Although 9 months is still 9 months, that is better instead of years then found how unworthy that guy is for her love and affection.
We women see what we want vs listening to our guts because I’m betting hers was flagging her down. I had similar guy. Wanted to get married quickly, extraordinarily jealous, hadn’t worked in years at age 50 and more. Turns out he was cheating. I dumped him but it hurt for a long time. A year later I know it had zip to do with me and everything to do with his dysfunction–which he’ll continue to repeat with girl after girl unless he changes. Sadly other women will get hurt too. Our emotions & libido can suspend good judgement which is why I believe divine intercession saves us. Think of it like a flack jacket protecting you from a lethal bullet. Though you’re bruised, you’re alive.
amen to that. was there. still am in heart. Common sense and divine intervention is helping me keep my distance.
I agree also that this type of behavior can come from either partner. I dumped my boyfriend four days before marriage because he displayed some of the behaviors mentioned above. I tried my best to understand him but I kept getting the red flag. In the end I realized he has a very manipulating personality that wanted me to live in his controlling reality. He had an answer for everything and never admitted to anything. I honestly never knew who he was – always felt like something was missing. After the breakup he and his mother spread vicious rumors about me. I am confident I made the right decision. Shortly thereafter he was back with his ex- wife. Just a very strange situation, but a learning experience nonetheless.
Phyllis
omg – I really never read these things …. but today I am and it is exactly what I have been through. Thank you for sharing. It helps a lot.
People are complex…sometimes, it is the combination that brings out the worst in people. You see it where a couple breaks up and then one settles down very comfortably with another…
I recently broke up with a guy who was sweet in his words at times and bought me very thoughtful gifts. Most of the time he spoke very little and would even read his txt messages while we were on dates (OMG!). He would text me every day telling me that he was thinking about me, loved me etc…However he rarely picked up the phone to call me (once a week at most). I think texting can be sweet a times, but a phone call is so much more intimate ( and by the way we are 50 not 20).
He would listen to me when I really needed to communicate. However, I was always the one who would initiate the communication and he would say something like “We are going to get along fine,” or “We are on the same page.” He would say that he wanted the same things that I did, but his actions did not change. Red flags…Oh yeah!
He had very little time to see me. He worked a lot (weekends, holidays too), visited family (and yes I do believe him). I think that if he REALLY wanted to be with me (see me) he would.
I told him for me to bond or grow close to someone I needed to see them, and spend time with them. He said we would figure that out and find ways to see each other more. On average we would see each other 2-3 times a month.
So, a few days ago I sent him a txt telling him this was not working for me, that I wished him well. He did not respond. I am really not to upset, because he was clearly not the guy for me…But it would be nice if all adults could communicate openly and that their actions would match their words…I know in a perfect world. ..LOL
This relationship only lasted 6 months. I had some friends who encouraged me to hang in there, but I think there were too many red flags. The beginning of a relationship should be great! This one had some good parts, but was not great.
Ah yes, I once had to deal with an ex girlfriend who still had a friendship with the my so called boyfriend…. when ever there is an ex and if the man feels he still needs to have a tie with that individual for whatever reason beware… HUGE RED FLAG. They will tell you what you want to hear, sweet talker… Say negative things about the ex to make you feel good and at the same time making him self available to her…BEWARE of the ex’s You want to make sure that he is available for you and other responsibilities that he may have and if he says they have children together or she is weak than you tell him go and be with your family and just walk away. Walk away before you create any spirit tie with him. Men in these situations are usually very creative and sneaky in being able to keep a relationship like this up. You begin to feel sorry for them(the ex who had the kids)and allow these types of men to continue with this behavior. Be Careful because they become pros at it. Even though it may appear they are detached from the relationship or relationships they are really not.. Its not fun when we have to deal with a crazy ex girlfriend or ex wife who needs her man to be there at a certain time. Make sure they are completely disconnected….
This story recently happened to me so ladies don’t think for one second that men get dumped for I a man did! We’re both widowers,were both married to our spouses for over twenty years although it was her second marriage,my first. My wife and I could not have childern just a spoiled dog and cat. She has three grown childern and was most proud that she paid for they’re educations! I don’t drink, do drugs, I am self-employed for over thirty years, own my own home, always home in the evenings.I have a large circle of family and friends that I introduced to her. She was invited and did attend many gatherings. I was never invited to any of her family gatherings, never introduced to a single family member, not even over the phone! Her profession required much of her time, being a mother and grandmother took another chunk of her time I was left with maybe a once a week eye to eye visit and perhaps a phone conversation sometime during the week. I’ve always been an affectionate man and always had a warm embrace and kiss when we would see each other.There was mutual heat/passion between us. The times she would come by I would usually have something prepared for dinner.
Recently, I had to put my dog down. My pain and perhaps her pain from his passing really put everything in a tail spin.She did stop by on the afternoon I ran late! When I called and asked if she would like to drive over (3 miles) she said no! That we should talk in ten days! It’s been two weeks.Feeling like the end had come, I gathered up the few personal possessions she had hear and dropped them off at her home, she wasn’t there or I would have handed them to her and a the bottom of the box was a letter explaining my position and where did all of this come from? We never had a cross word towards one another,never talked about money. I know I love her and I know I’m a good man. I know I how to treat a woman.
Sir, your account touched me. I just wanted to express my sympathy on the loss of a beloved pet, which is huge in itself, as well as say that I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two. The optimist in me says “never say never,” but you were in the relationship with the person and you most likely know more than any outsiders.
I just wanted to express my true sorry for your loss on all counts. Please hang in there. Things _do_ have a way of getting better, although I have had to hear from others myself also from time to time.
Best of luck to you.
Very good info sharing The red flags . after two weeks this builder who builds tall buildings in Europe Asia etc told me his raw materials werethitthirobbed and he was struging to replace .out Wanted me to loan him several thousands. We had only met thru dating site 2 weeks!!! I couldnt imagine why women do send money. I did not!!
He says he is in Dubai and is with me 24 hours. So this brings me to the question of what is Spirit Ties and hiw do u sever it.
I met this man who had a very young daughter. H is wife had passed away year or so ago. Wow. He had a great job. traveled by boat all the time. Well within the month into the relationship he was so in love with me. But red flag, he needed an emergency credit card, then money, then then then….Heart smart. we split up. He said I was heartless.No just smart. He was a con artist
Always be a step ahead. Don’t let your heart lead you by the hand. Think about the relationship as to his or her honesty. What about the future for us. are you really compatible. Do you both make each other happy? Is something missing?
Want To Mend A Broken Heart Fast?
Do you know that a broken heart from a previously failed relationship is one of the greatest impediments to a) having another relationship and b) having a successful relationship? Do you know this is because the pain associated with the broken heart never actually goes away it only gets buried and remains ever present as an emotional threat waiting to get re-triggered? Do you know that makes one feel vulnerable, afraid, insecure, untrusting, and unable to truly be authentic and intimate with a new partner? Finally, do you know that the only effective way to truly mend a broken heart is to permanently and completely erase the negative memory of the failed relationship? Want to learn more about why this is now possible?
Much like a real landmine the trauma experienced from a failed relationship lives on as what I have referred to as an “emotional landmine” deep inside the subconscious mind. That mine largely consists of the memory of that relationship failure and anything else that is associated with it i.e. betrayal, abuse, rejection, abandonment and jealousy, etc.
Sadly this stuff never actually goes away rather it continues to manifest in future encounters with others as:
1. Feelings of mistrust.
2. Feelings of insecurity.
3. Fears of more betrayal.
4. Fears of true intimacy.
5. The inability to be open and honest.
6. Fears of sexual intimacy.
7. Tendencies to control or manipulate.
8. Feelings of neediness.
9. Clingy behaviours.
10. Fears of abandonment.
11. Avoidance of new relationships altogether.
And much more.
As I’m sure you can see this can severely damage one’s ability to succeed in their relationship life. This is the reason that so many individuals find themselves going from one failed relationship to another. The old “scars” behave as a true and irreparable wedge preventing them from fulfilling this particular desire.
The crucial question now is can anything truly be done to erase/delete those old scars once and for all?
If you appreciate the nature of the problem I think you will see that complete deletion of the memory and its associated pain is the only real solution as nothing short of that will remove the threat.
A decade ago it was discovered that negative memories could be rapidly, easily and completely erased to the point the individual harbouring them felt as if they never actually happened. This meant that one’s life could effectively start afresh on a clean and new slate.
Now for most this may be difficult to fathom as it is not a common human experience. What has been learned however is that by erasing such negative memories not only is the person freed up from the threat of re-emerging old pain they are also literally brought back to life. What do I mean by this, you ask?
Well it turns out that negative memories are not only responsible for all the negative thoughts and conditioning that stifle one’s Authentic Self expression they also behave as what I call negative Life Force Energy Parasites that deplete life force energy from the mind/body rendering the individual unconscious and depleted of their rightful positive resources i.e. self confidence, self esteem, self worth, inner peace, joy, optimism, clarity, sense of purpose, self respect, personal integrity, a sense of well being, health etc.
In other words they are there to literally to kill you! So when they are erased one finds that Life Force Energy spontaneously returns to the mind/body and the person comes progressively back to life and feels steadily more empowered.
This then ushers in the re-emergence of the self assured and emotionally independent Authentic Self who is able to resiliently and confidently enter into new relationships.
Nick Arrizza M.D.
So, what is the answer to the question: “…can anything truly be done to erase/delete those old scars once and for all?” Please be specific.