Today’s guest blog is from author and relationship coach Virgina Clark of YourTango.
It’s painful to be in a state of wanting something you don’t have. One of the hardest qualities you’ll have to cultivate as a single woman waiting for love is patience.
Let’s face it, waiting for anything is stressful: waiting for the light to turn green, for the bank teller to finish with a customer or waiting for the man of your dreams.
When I was single, my well-meaning friends would smile at me and tell me to stop worrying and just be patient. I wanted to scream at them, “You don’t understand how I feel, how long I’ve been waiting!” I know I was being overly dramatic but I couldn’t stop myself. In my mind I was cursing and raging at being single and making myself terribly unhappy.
The idea that I had to be patient waiting for love was simply annoying and seemed impossible. It took years of pain for me to get the maturity I needed to change my attitude and stop waiting for love. In time I began to appreciate the gift of each day and to believe my Mr. Right would show up.
It’s painful to be constantly in a state of wanting something you don’t have. If this is you, there are hours, days and weeks flying by in your life that you will never have back. It’s time to learn patience.
Patience to me is about letting go of the outcome and trusting that everything will work out. Worrying and fretting will not help you speed up the process. Holding the thought that the man who is right for you will show up at the right time and place is key.
Here is one of my favorite quotes about patience:
“Infinite patience produces immediate results.”
~ A Course in Miracles
This may be hard to fathom but you probably have an inner sense of the truth of this statement. It’s profound and difficult to master, but the reward is great.
If patience was easy, we would be living in a more peaceful world; I imagine 90% of the anger you see between people and countries would be gone. But ultimately, the only thing you have control over is you. So if you begin to cultivate patience while you’re waiting for love, you will see and feel the results. I guarantee you will be happier and more available to receive the gift of love when it shows up.
You can start by doing something as simple as taking a walk outside. Then follow Ralph Waldo Emerson’s advice: “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.”
More at YourTango and from Virginia Clark:
The Importance of Being Vulnerable in Love, 3 Dangers When You Don’t Make Time for Love, How Do I tell My Kids My Marriage is Over?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I have been looking online for about 10 years now. The two things that are in my way is confidence and a sense of humor. I have had such an un-successful life in the area of jobs and women you would not believe.
Ronald,
Try to not let previous un-successful relationships and jobs failures pull you down. Just concentrate on the beauty in life each day and laugh about things that might appear funny to you…don’t hold back…be your own best friend first.
I wish you the best.
Dixie ( Georgia, USA)
Great post. I agree with patience as a key but would like to add that unless one puts themselves “out and about” they could miss the Mr. or Ms. Right who is right now making their way to them. If we isolate from others, the chemistry of attraction can’t occur.
But what if you are running out of time, biologically. If you want to have a family of your own, you can’t just be patient because it could take years and you don’t have years to wait.
Excuse my neurosis but I’ve been actively searching for 3 years and everyone tells me it will happen ‘when you stop looking’. I don’t have that luxury of time.
Wanderlust, I am a father of 4 daughters. The thing I always told my girls was “make sure you pursue the things that make you happy in a responsible & moral way, and be sure you are a low maintenance woman” . Always ask yourself “what do I bring to the table?” How do I look? How do I act? How do I dress (this attracts different types of guys)? Am I too permissive with my self. Where do I hang out? who are my friends? What bad habits do I have? In other words a complete self analysis of whom you are . If you’re overweight and looking for a hunk chances are it ain’t going to happen; if you drink a lot that’s who you will attract, if you’re too clingy someguys don’t like that, if you’re too bossy ..that’ll scare them off, or too damanding, or if you’re narcisstic…that ‘s a sure sign to run for the hills, if you’re too touchy , touchy with other guys in front of a potential partner (run Johnny run)…not sure of you but I am sure you have a lot of assets…write them down and master them & do the things you enjoy doing, and you’ll meet people that like to do those things…just make sure they’re healthy endeavours.
I have been praying for my marriage for 20 years. Yes, 20 years are a long wait and need a lot of patient.
Last few years, I start to be more specific. For example I asked to send me flowers from the one who loves me very much. On my master degree graduation day, my mom gave me flowers. Well, God answered my prayer. Then I asked on another year. I wanted to receive flowers from a guy who loves me. On Valentine Day, my nephew gave me a pretty rose. Well, God answered my prayer.
Then I realized, I have to pray for myself first. Make me ready to be the Right woman for my husband. Make me be a good woman for my man. I don’t know whether he will be there one day. But I asked God. When I am ready & it is God’s time, please bring him to me, my Lord. Be a little bit more patient.
While I agree in principle that the concept of letting go of expectations is very helpful, and we all need to implement in our lives, I’d say that anyone who’s this anxious about being single needs to go a little deeper and examine what’s really at the heart of the continued unhappiness. Are you setting yourself up to fail and thus be assured of continued unhappiness, which you feel you deserve for some reason? Are you really, actually doing everything you can to maximize your chances of finding a partner — or just making sure you can continue to complain about it? I say this because I know several people who so deliberately sabotage themselves that I can’ help but think they are doing it (subconsciously) deliberately. They say they want a life partner, but then put impossible parameters on their expectations. Older guys who want lovely young things (never considering that lovely young things really want hunky young things); women who have a laundry list of requirements that no guy can ever match.
Being single is also natural and a lot of single people are very happy. But our culture still sets up the expectation that you can’t be alone without being lonely. And too many of us buy that. A great many “desperate” single people would probably be very happy and fulfilled in a life with companionship and “benefits,” but no lifelong commitment. I know I am.
Belle, Well put. Simple precise and to the point, or “bottom line” logic. My wife just passed away recently & I decided that i would be happier (I am already happy), if I met someone new to share life’s many blessings. I realized that what I really needed was to explore the things that i really enjoyed doing, and while doing those things, i would meet people who shaed the same passions. I haven’t met anyone yet but I am so happy I stopped searching which seems to be an aimless act. Now I research in an Active environment. I love ballroom dancing so i have joined a club and go their only to dance. Take lessons, make friends, and do what i love doing. If it happens great, but in the meantime I have a fulfilled life.
“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.”
PROBLEM: Nature is Eternal. WE are not!
“Infinite patience produces immediate results.”
I’m sorry, but this makes neither INNER sense nor OUTER sense, nor ANY sense at all. Once again, WE are all very FINITE beings. We do not have the INFINITE. …and as for the second part of the quote: What is this, quantum physics?
The immediate results doesn’t mean that you’ll instantly get what you’re waiting for, it means that if you have patience, you’ll no longer feel that horrible feeling of need and want because of said patience. It’s a bit confusing I guess if you don’t look at it that way, but it makes sense, to a degree at least. Or at least, that’s the way I took it. And while I can see that as a statement, I do still agree that patience is only good for so long.
It’s basically just like the old saying about watching water boil. The more you focus all your attention on something, the time feels longer. I believe patience is very necessary. It will make one more relaxed and show to any potential partner the good side of oneself. Instead of the over anxious, my clock is ticking side.
I am new to online dating.I hope for better luck.I have tried for a number of years in trying to start a relationship and every time the girl raises my hopes then runs back to a boyfriend that I knew nothing about.This is ridiculous.What have I done?What to do?I sometimes wonder why I bother if I’m just going to be toyed with.Its very hard being patient for the right girl.
This is such a funny article to read. I’ve been waiting for over 18 years and tried everything from waiting to be approached, approaching, dating sites, friends, family everything and I still haven’t found love. Face it, people are in one fo three catagories: they find love, they are unlovable, or they are never meant to find love. Which one are you in?
I’m afraid ….you are ….. correct.
Ted,
Just relax and take life one day at the time. I truly believe the right one for us comes along when we are least expecting it. So, don’t blow this chance when she does come along…. keeping yourself alert , aware, and available.
That’s a sad way to think about it and yes I have thought in those turms many,many times.I would say I feel condemned never to find love.I can’t even start relationships!Always the dumpee and never the dumper.My old rule I stuck by was to never raise my hopes,then I am never disappointed.This rule led to a bleak existence.Its better to have a few moments then none at all.Dang it!Now you got me talkin all sad and dark.
I’m 55 and so have been doing my waiting for love for about 35-40 years. I had the misfortune to come of age in the ’70s. Just when I was ready to begin dating, I was surprised to learn from the media how much of a worthless jerk I was for being male. The devaluation of men has been a constant theme since then. The same media has since that time admonished women to accept nothing less in a man than her idealized picture of the Perfect Man. Because she’s worth it- presumably by being female. Pretty tough to compete with that. I own and have read boxes full of advice books on relationships and dating advice for men. A few have been genuinely insightful; most are next to worthless. All, however, do discuss, or at least mention, the absolute necessity of having self-confidence, and I can understand that. How to get it is another matter. My experiences have been similar to Ted’s and Country Guy’s. After two or three dates during which things seem to be going well and mutual interest seems to be there, the woman then disappears. No response to phone calls or e-mails…nothing. By this point, it’s pretty hard to remain patient and confident that I’ll find love when all the empirical evidence is screaming otherwise at me. In all these years, I’ve yet to have a woman tell me what happened or why she no longer wants to continue seeing me. I have been told lies/given meaningless excuses occasionally, but nothing that makes any sense. The honesty that 90% of women say in their profiles that they want in a man obviously does not include repoprocity. Female friends who know me well tell me that I’m a catch, but I wonder if they’re lying, too- but if so, then why bother to make that up? I doubt that I will ever understand what’s going on, and I’m really out of ideas. I tried eharmony hoping that there was some truth in their advertising and they really do try to match like-minded people, but thus far I’ve had no better luck with their matches than I’ve had with chance meetings of women. Finally, yes, I know….therapy would be a great idea. That’s why I’ve been going regularly for the past 20 years.
There doesn’t seem to be a lot of positive responses to this particular blog. There seems to be an appalling number of people enduring years, if not decades of repeated, abject failure to escape loneliness. In such conditions, to be able to project the confidence and positiveness necessary to attract anyone at all is a cruel joke. Is there any hope?
After reading all the advice and seemingly hopelessness of meeting a soul-mate in later years (I’m 61 and have never been married), it all seems very discouraging indeed, as JbC pointed out. I have not been in a committed relationship in over 10 years and there have been times when I have just plain given up. I’ve heard it all from friends: “you’ll meet someone when you’re not expecting it”, or “maybe you need to change your hair”, or some absurd suggestion like that. I have gone through periods where I focused on other things in my life, as I am now, and I have gone through periods where I ached to be held and have someone to share my life with. No matter what, the “right” one hasn’t materialized. I’ve met some very selfish men online who only wanted a one-night stand and nothing more. I am physically active and work out and the “Y” regularly. I am attractive and love to engage in conversation (part of my job, too). I have traveled the world on my own and meet lots of people at my job. Are some people destined to be single for the rest of their lives, never to experience the joys and challenges of love? Tell me this isn’t so.
I have been married twice and been in a few long term relationships as well. Perhaps the perpetually single people have been afraid to do the one thing that usually advances a relationship: share a personal part of themselves, their past, their private thoughts; it feels like a risky thing to do but it opens up the other person to trust you and to share themselves with you as well. If you present as a closed-off wall, nobody will even attempt to penetrate that solid, daunting fortress and will move on to a warmer, more welcoming kingdom.
Man, I wish I was a women, dating would be so much easier. That is the problem, just sitting there doing nothing being pateint, all that is going to do is just make you end up with Mr. Guy You Know. They say it is the right thing to do to learn to be okay with being alone, but we are not all Buddist Monks or Catholic Preist or even care to be either of the two. I think it is about time we say that it is not okay to be alone, and that learning to be happy with someone else would always be better than being happy alone, at least then you would have someone else to talk too. Then what if you turn out to be happy alone, does that automatically teach you how to be happy with someone else?
Waiting for the love is not an everyday work, you shouldn’t think about it constantly! There won’t be any result besides stress. You should just mind your own business and love will find you. Good luck!
I try to treat people like i would want to be treated and im not ugly or extremely overweight (little chunky but nothing not manageable). It seems I see ugly girls have bf and my own aunt who is extemely verbally abusive and demanding has had two guys both the same –yes honey -whatever u want honey -when she yells he says how high-dont understand