For some years I’ve said, in public places, that if I could just spend 10 minutes with a married man who is about to cheat, I could prevent it. Now eHarmony Advice Editor Jeannie Assimos has called my bluff, and asked me exactly what I would say. The details may surprise you.
The Truth:
The obvious truth is that whatever I’m going to write below won’t stop all men from cheating. This is because some people (men and women) are simply psychopathic. That’s a word that gets tossed around but its strict definition is – a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and the rules of society. Psychopaths have a lack of empathy and remorse, and have very shallow emotions. They are generally regarded as callous, selfish, dishonest, arrogant, aggressive, impulsive, irresponsible, and hedonistic.
If you’re with a psychopath, he/she is going to have little to no regard for you. These are people who can murder someone and eat dinner next to the body. No appeal to their humanity is going to stop them from destroying you so they can have a little fun.
The Scenario:
In our scenario, the guy in question is sitting with me having a drink and he gets a text from some sweet young thing telling him to come on over. He is married and has two small children. He’s got a pretty good job, and is a pretty good person, but after 6 years of marriage he’s a little bored at home. This woman who is waiting for him is very beautiful, and he can likely take part in this act without getting caught.
What I Would Say to Him:
1. The chances are very high that you’re going to cause tremendous misery for yourself, your wife and your children.
Every cheating man you’ve ever seen on the evening news with his life in shambles thought he wouldn’t get caught. Nobody thinks they are going to get caught, but whatever your chances of getting caught are, the risks are off the chart. You will take the people in your life that you love the most, especially the innocent children, and drag them through the worst sewer of pain available to human beings. In fact, you may well ruin your children’s ability to trust when they are adults. If you’re not a sadistic madman, the idea of hurting your family should at least get your attention.
2. If you’re like most good people, you live with a deep well of positive regard and trust from your family. Living without that is going to be very hard.
As human beings, we often take for granted things that we see as common. I don’t think about the fact that my home is heated on a cold night, because it just happens without much thought. Chances are you currently live with a deep well of trust and love from your friends and family. You come and go, more or less, as you please. You probably could call your wife and say, “After work I’m going to go to Joe’s and watch the playoff game.” Your family and friends assume the best about you. That, my friend, is a powerful life circumstance. A man who is caught cheating will take that and flush it down the toilet. The freedom you’ll have to give up to reestablish your trustworthiness is so substantial that many men just leave a relationship rather than submit to it. If you cheat, you’ll be taking one of the most valuable resources in your life and destroying it.
3. If you have a terrible sex life at home, you deserve better. Demand better.
Maybe the guy in our scenario says to me, “I hear you Grant, but my sex life with my wife is non-existent.” That’s a bad situation for a man to be in. In fact, that’s not an acceptable position to be in. We have a right to expect that our sexual relationship will continue throughout our marriage. So, go and do something about it. Tell your wife that you’re willing to do whatever is necessary to mend your sex life. Don’t be shy or ashamed to bring it up. If she refuses on unreasonable grounds, it’s time to get help. Cheating, however, is not the answer. If after counseling your wife absolutely refuses to ever have sex with you again, then it’s fair to say that you won’t be married much longer and you can have a healthy sex life with someone else.
4. If you really want a variety of sexual partners, get a divorce. Be a man and own it.
Sometimes people say, “Be a man.” What does that mean? To me it means, “Stand up, take responsibility for your decisions, and do what you have to do, fully accepting the consequences.” If you’re one of these men that cannot live without a large variety of sexual partners, then you need a divorce. You don’t need to sneak around and drag your family through a life of lies and sexual risk. Divorce is terrible and a person who gets married and then just decides, “This isn’t for me,” isn’t necessarily a great person. But if I’m ranking bad behavior, the guy who never cheats and asks for a divorce is higher up the ladder than a man who just pretends he’s a faithful person and has lots of sex outside his marriage.
5. Once you have sex with this woman, you’re giving her the power to destroy you at any minute. You’re handing the keys to your life over to another person.
The moment you participate in a secret act with this person is the moment you no longer have control over your life. Sure, if this woman is married with two kids, just like you, you may have a kind of “mutual assured destruction” situation, where you both have a lot at stake. But even then, you’ve given someone else the ability at a time of their choosing to turn your life upside down. Most people fight their entire lives to have a certain amount of control over their destiny, and for you that will be gone. She can demand things. She can blackmail you. She can and often will begin to imagine a future with you that you may know nothing about, until you’re presented with an ultimatum. I won’t even mention the word “pregnancy.”
6. You’re a good person and this is going to slowly destroy you from the inside out.
You’re not a bad person. You have a conscience, and stepping out on your marriage is going to take its toll on you. You may think it won’t. You may think you can compartmentalize it, but at the very least, your assessment of who you really are will change. You’re not the honest, committed guy everyone admires. You’re a liar and a cheater, and your self-respect will diminish in a considerable way.
7. You may think this is a one-time thing, but it will be so much easier after this.
That first time you walk through the door and sleep with her, is the hardest time. After that, you’ll remember the bliss, and the lies, and the fact that you “got away with it” and you’ll be hooked.
If after all this the guy says, “I hear you, but I really want to go and sleep with this woman,” he probably is a psychopath.
What do you think? Is there anything you would add to Grant’s anti-cheating talk?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
First off I want to say that I love this article. it has some really good points.
I think most people would try and leave right away. especially if the woman/man is waiting for him/her.
If this guy or girl gets a text from an attractive person, that the know, (how else will they get a text). once the juices start flowing it is hard to turn it off.
I think you need to reach that person before they get the text. once a person gets the text they are thinking about the next hour or 2. not the next 1 to 2 months or years.
I think most men would make the choose when they receive the text.
I would like to hear what other people say.
Thanks
MD
I think guys or women cheat because they are mostly bored with their relationships. It’s pretty important to keep it interesting. For both of you have plans and goals such as doing travelling of financially… whatever.
I mean both people are together so they can both help each other become better.
Another, thing that is crucial is to be totally open about sex and making it the best possible.
Great article and it offers something interesting tips.
In a world where cheating seems to be the norm, this article was quite refreshing! I am a single mom trying to raise a boy to be a man with great values and character. I know that is subjective- so let me say I want him to be able to have a monogamous relationship and to value commitment. Yet, the news, the stories, the magazines- all flaunt the cheaters.
I guess going home and working on your relationship is just too much work in the society today where everything is supposed to come easy. Being single all these years, I would love the opportunity to resolve a fight, to discuss how to make our sex life better, to have a little of the hum drum to share.
Married men hit on me often, and it always makes me a little sad. And, my response to them is usually- of course I seem exciting and fun- I didn’t make breakfast, pack your kids lunches, mop the floor, load the dishwasher, shower, change and head off to work at your house this morning- so of course I seem sexy!
If you are lucky enough to have love and a family to share it with, cherish it every day. I envy you.
And, thank you again for an article where a man actually tries to get another to do the right thing!
WOW, Diana!! I also get hit on by married men from time to time, and I LOVE your response!! I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it! My response is usually, “I’m never the other woman; I’m the ONLY woman. But thanks for letting me know up front that you don’t respect me, yourself, or your marriage.” Do married men (and women) really think that the people they hit on are flattered to be hit on by a philandering liar? I am in a happy, committed, mutually monogamous relationship. We have four simple rules to our relationship: be faithful; be truthful; be nice; and be yourself. These simple rules seem to work beautifully. I have never cheated on anyone in my 36 years of living. I have too much respect for my partner (even past partners who were big jerks!), myself and for Love itself. Cheating is selfish and disrespectful, and it accomplishes nothing positive. If your relationship has issues, address them directly; don’t try to cheat your way around them.
Then why may I ask are you on a dating site if you are in a happy, committed, monogamous relationship???
Diana I love what you said about cherishing your family every day if you are lucky enough to have a family and someone you love to share it with. I was the woman that was cheated on and it hurts more than anything in this world. Even though I am now a single mom I am happier knowing that I no longer have to live with someone that did respect me enough to be faithful to me and the vows we made to each other.
I think four is the most important. It’s one thing to have sex with another person, but the lying and the assumption that she (or even he) will not find out is adding a deep insult to that injury. They’ll conclude (correctly in my view) that you don’t respect them enough to be upfront about the feelings you’re having. It’ll hurt and you may not want that but in the end, the best thing you can do for your partner is let them have self-respect.
1) I think the author doesn’t do himself a favor by saying that anyone who listens to him and still cheats is a psychopath, having defined the term as referring to one “…who can murder someone and eat dinner next to the body. No appeal to their humanity is going to stop them from destroying you so they can have a little fun.”
2) There are a number of good points here, not least of which is to address any problems at home first. If sex is not what you want it to be with your gf/wife, try fixing it first. What a novel idea! But I know most men don’t pursue this first, if ever.
3) Despite the advice, people cheat b/c they don’t think they’ll get caught. But as the author mentions, rightly so, there are other consequences that result even without getting caught.
4) I hear what the author is trying to say by manning up and getting divorced, but the reality is people want to have their cake and eat it too and I think this will ring hollow for most. The point of cheating is to have sex with others and still keep the relationship and have sex with one’s wife. I would say before divorce, talk to the wife and see what she thinks about an open marriage. Though I expect few to receive this well, it might work for some. And even if not, it’s a way (not the best) to open dialogue for sexual problems in general. People are more open-minded these days.
There are so many people who miss the point. It is never OK to cheat under any circumstances. If you are not happy and you have done your best to work things out, tried counseling and the whole nine yards, then get a divorce….plain and simple! The author is right, it destroys lives…your life, that of your spouse, children, and extended family (oh yes), friends, and even that of the person you cheated with. Like the article said unless you’re a psychopath, the honorable thing to do is file for divorce before you go down that path of destruction. I am a spouse who was cheated on and I know too well of what happens…my children are still in counseling and they have major trust and abandonment issues…one of my children even tried to take her own life. There are consequences and they are WAY too high…for ALL involved. I like the part where the author says “be a man” (or woman if that’s the case)…I agree 100% !!!
Grant….”the guy in question is sitting with me having a drink…”
And, where is his WIFE??? At home taking care of his kids and his house!!!
If this guy really loved his family–and wanted to have a fulfilling sex life w/his wife–he’d BE AT HOME, helping his wife take care of the kids and the house, so SHE HAS THE TIME AND ENERGY TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM LATER! Trust me, there is no better way for a man to demonstrate love for his wife than to help her around the house.
The reason so many men don’t have the sex life they want from their wives is, SHE’S EXHAUSTED AFTER DOING ALL THE WORK! Men have the time and energy to cheat because they REFUSE to participate in raising the family they claim they wanted with their wife. So, she is doing ALL THE WORK–and getting EXHAUSTED–while he goes to a BAR to drink and find other women to sleep with.
Grant, if you want to tell a guy to “man up,” then tell him to be a responsible husband and father, so his wife can appreciate him for all the help and have energy–and interest–for sex!
I thought this article was outstanding. I have been the cheated upon wife. The author is right in saying it is the worst sort of pain that humans can go through. It does me good to hear that there are people who feel so strongly against cheating. In this world it seems, tearing a family apart and then having to sit at your kids baseball games with the culprits is just par for the course.
My husband and I had been married (happily, I thought) for 23 years and were the proud parents of six amazing children when he began having an affair. Every single point this writer makes is true and should be heeded. When my husband’s affair became known, I made him move out, his children refused to talk to him, and his mistress, fearing she’d lose her kids in a divorce battle, dumped him. Having given up everything for the affair, he committed suicide. Yes, mine is a tragic story, but the author is right: NOBODY will come away from an affair unscathed. Now, almost three years later, I am still dealing with the grieving and loss his children feel.
ASG: Sorry about your loss. Please do see the Steve comment below:
Perhaps a renegotiation of the relationship is in order. There is a good book “the dawn of sex” that theorizes and presents evidence that our ancestors were not monogamous. Monogamy appears to be a religious mandate that almost all cultures have adopted and perhaps it warrants revisiting….and what is jealousy anyway? and honest look will uncover it is just fear turned outward. Why would you not want your spouse to have sex with someone else? Down deep it is probably because of your own insecurities and you don’t want them leaving you or someone else. Really look. We don’t do this with any other activity. Tennis for example. It is probably ok for your spouse to play tennis with anyone. What if you ignored the concept of fear and were whole and complete yourself? Then would it matter if your spouse had sex with someone else? of course not. Safety concerns aside (and appropriate measures can be made there).
ASG’s comment above is a perfect example of how we let religious dogma and or cultural BS run our lives. Some are so committed to dogma that they will shot themselves in the head (or how ever he did it). What if they could have gotten the fear/jealously concept I discussed above. They both could have been happy (maybe even stayed married…if everyone could have dealt with their own shit … instead of making the other wrong). This is basic basic personal development concepts.
LET GO of your conditioning. You don’t have to be a slave to it anymore. Your attachment to it is LEARNED and you have been BRAINWASHED. Simple logic and deduction will show you that!
ASG: I am sorry about your loss. I would not blame this on his actions. I would advise you to look at your own issues as in the end that’s all there is. Forgiveness is a wonderful tool….so is not taking anything personally.
I have been the ‘cheated on wife’ by a man who still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He tried to rationalize it by saying ‘seducing married men is a sport to some women’ and ‘as long as it happened away from our hometown and if no one, (including me)found out, he wasn’t hurting anyone’. I wish he would just own up to it and apologize. The kids don’t need to know all the details but to act like ‘mom blew the whole thing out of proportion’ makes him look ridiculous. Believe me, plenty of people got hurt and it devastated our finances too. And he says I should have stayed with him because there are a lot of marriages worse than ours. Hello? great logic. No thanks.
I totally agree with and can personally relate to #6. I cheated only one time on my now-ex wife and although she didn’t find out (or at least I think she didn’t), the cancer was in me. I consciously (and subconsciously) lost respect for myself and over time it eroded and destroyed my marriage.
This all rings true and yes, I am a survivor of a cheater. He’s still in denial about the whole thing?! I did the whole fight, took him to a marriage retreat once I discovered the “friendship”. We did marriage counseling weekly for over three months, individual counseling too. He never emotionally showed up for our marriage sessions, though. Eventually our marriage counselor, after 3+ long months, stated we should stop wasting her time, our time, and our money until we were both ready to put both feet in. He refused from day one to give up his friendship as he didn’t see why he should have too, it was emotional infidelity if not more, which I’ll never really know the truth. It destroyed a 17 year relationship. We have 3 boys and I hate to think what it’s done to them long term. I was the one who finally broke down and filed for divorce. I did all the paperwork myself as he was dragging this on and on, I walked away devastated! It was bad enough that he has yet to take responsibility but then to say he wasn’t to this point yet only poured salt into an already painful wound. Telling me he wasn’t sure that he loved me, the other woman in his words, “is smart and pretty and our age.” BTW she is 10 years younger!! The amazing power of the Internet! Yes cheaters hurt so many people, kids, extended family, friends, neighbors etc. It’s a mess and it hurts but I am learning that the most important thing to remember is that this is an end to one chapter in our books of life and the next chapter will be so much better.
I found the article to be quite optimistic, but I have serious doubts that these tactics would ever sway any man toward loyalty. Its missing one key factor: for this to work, he would have to consider the needs and feelings of his wife and children to be equally important to his wants and ego. How often does tbat actually happen? The comments made on this thread by men are a pretty clear indicator of imbalance of need priority.
A good friend explained male cheating better than anyone else. “the its kinda hard to rough up your wife and treat her like a dirty whore without having to hear about it for months on end. The other woman is desperate enough to suffer through anything you wanna do to her, and then you can just delete her voicemails without ever hearing a word of it.”
Sadly, he is right. Its about HIS feelings of inadequacy and HIS need to boost his own ego. Same reason men like sex to be so cruel and brutal. He needs to hurt someone to feel better about himself.
never mind him sitting accross from you having a drink…..Hes in the other room gazing at porn when you walk in and catch him in the act. Thats cheating at it s height. She doesn’t have to be real or even have a real conversation with him the fact that he would LUST after another woman is cheating. Guys don’t won’t to admit this truth but its truth and they know it. Plain and simple…so Man up delete the porn and imagine how happy and excited and I mean excited to know that you deeply love and adore your wife how she would not be able to wait to drag you in the bedroom and pleasure you till you begged her to stop… and amoung other things maybe she would be open to try new things because she knew you loved her and only wanted to be with her how the magic would happen!!! He or she would never want to cheat…just a thought thats where it starts!!!
Have 2 things that relate to this artice:
I have been the “Other Woman”,
Have a friend who was cheated on…still in a bad marriage….
Other Woman- he was married, I told him this was not a good idea….I was single mom, kid grown, told him that he had more to loose than I did and to think about that…. did not do any good he kept working at getting a relationship…Finally I just gave in,but reinforced the statement ” you have more to loose”. We had a great 4 years…and then one day he came home and wife approached him on the subject…from then on his friends, family, kids looked at him differently. He did get a divorce….I left the situation.. never wanted to get married again anyway, had told him that, and would not marry him…Why??? well because , like you said , once you get away with it ….. you do it again..and I would not stand for that…
Other: Friends husband cheats on her… they have 2 small children, he leaves for awhile, they argue, he comes back home because he is afraid of the children not having a family life style. (??) she never trust him again..he has to answer to any time he is a few minutes late… he is an alcohlic and she is a bitter woman….. but still married….. go figure????
As a wife of 26 years who was victim to this I can say that all the heartache and pain brought to myself and my children can heal. 3 years later he has women galore but his self respect and reputation in our community leaves him lonely. it affected his business as well for if one isn’t moral in one’s personal life the assumption is there would be easy to be unethical in business.