In a world where celebrities are commonly seen courting partners who could be confused for their son or daughter (ahem, 54-year-old Alec Baldwin’s recent proposal to a 28-year-old yoga instructor), age gaps can appear harmless. And maybe they are, but not all of the Michael D. and Catherine Z. relationships have a fairy tale ending. While every relationship comes with its own quirks and challenges, an age gap can bring with it a unique set of challenges.
Compatible Life Stages
It’s naïve to think that age doesn’t matter. Why? Because none of us are Peter Pan. True, it’s not the number that creates a strain, but where you are in life. For instance, why does the difference between a couple who is 20 and 30 seem greater than the difference between a 50 and 60-year-old couple? The difference of ten years is more significant when you’re striving for major milestones like graduating college, searching for a spouse, buying a house to put roots down or starting a family. Whereas later in life, many of these milestones have already been accomplished.
Physical
One of our Advice members made a good point about the pitfall of insecurity that age differences can fall prey to. What if the older partner can’t keep up physically in appearance, energy level or sex drive? Granted, insecurity can be the enemy of any relationship regardless of age, but it’s easier to accept changes that come with age when you can relate with your partner rather than just observe.
The Novelty Wears Off
The humor of hearing things like, “Fleetwood Mac, who’s that?” or “I bought my first car brand new for $3,500”, grows old (no pun intended) after a while. While being compatible on core elements of your personality are most important, it’s also nice to have a partner who you can relate with on a conversational level.
I’m sure there are plenty of 20-year-olds with marriage at the top of their priority list who are balking at this topic, but in general, it boils down to this – where are you in your life and what are your priorities?
I would love to know if you have dated someone significantly older or younger – and how did it work out? What challenges did you face?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Hi..
I am currently seeing an older man – I am 59, he’s 70. Yes – those questions do arise -can he maintain his sex drive? Can he keep up in terms of overall energy level? How is his health? And on..
I’ve been faced with making those decisions as thisrelationship progresses, andsometimes it’s heartrending. In the end, it’show much one cares about the other that matters. Yes, he’s gray, yes, he grew up in a different time, but you CREATE things to have in common. Like any other relationship, it’s hard work.
Seriously…how does this NOT matter? I know couples with a 20 year age difference (I think of it more as a gap), and one partner has a sex drive while the other’s is nonexistent. How do you reconcile that? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and perhaps sheer compatibility can soften the issue here, but my final opinion (which is not liable to change) is that it matters, and that it matters A LOT.
does,nt matter age you are if you have feelings for anybody dont essitate to let it known. its a free world…in as much as you mean it go ahead….
My late wife was almost 4 years younger than me (I was in my 4th year of university and she in her 1st when we met). My current partner, whom I met on eHarmony
is almost 7 years younger. My wife was a good woman and a great mother, but in some ways we just didn’t connect. But I didn’t fully realize that until I met my partner. Even though our childhood memories and life experiences are nearly a decade apart (her youngest child is 12 years younger than my oldest), we’re an amazing match in attitudes and desires.
I would say age matters, to a point. But it doesn’t have to be a show-stopper.
Age absolutely does matter, especially if you are a woman over the age of 60. Men are all looking at the 40 year old standing behind you. You can’t compete. It won’t matter how good you look, how good shape you are in, how great you dress, how smart you are, or how funny, or anything else, they aren’t going to look at you or pay any attention to you. EHarmony has been a total bust for me. I paid over $100 for 3 months and I’ve gotten nothing except a lot of men who I suspec aren’t paying members, and if they are paying members don’t even have the courtesy to reply at all. I could have spent the money on a pair or maybe 2 pair of shoes and had more fun. I’ve been matched with men who are so old tht they are probably in a retirement home. Not for me,thanks. I may be 60, but I’m not dead. Help me out here. What is wrong with everyone?
When I was in my teens I was dating men twice my age. In highschool and college I dated my professors. I’ve dated men with children that were my age.
Why? Because I’ve rarely found men any younger to be of physical interest to me. I cant fathom what it is women find sexually appealing about YOUNG men. I’m just not wired that way!
I may not have the relevant experience of having bought a loaf of bread for a nickle. But I dont need that to find the entertainment, music, values and traditional roles that older men are accustomed to, exactly what I enjoy the most.
Yes there are a lot of differences when dating a much older man. Its not always about wild passionate sex even when they love you. Its about truly enjoying one another company and connecting in a way that you know you will be able to count on that person.
Little print gets difficult to read, bodies ache with age, & trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Aging changes your habits, but it does NOT change who you are!
Besides being the ones my body is attracted to on a physical level, older men have sets of values, priorities, experience, knowledge and respect that I’ve found missing from my peers.
THAT is what I’m most attracted to.
The grey hair and wrinkles, those are signs that the guy I’m looking at (in all likelyhood) shares my likes/dislikes/values.
I may be in my 30s now, and open to dating men 40 to 60, but what happens when its my turn to be 60 or 70 and I’m still here after my husband passes on?
Try not to judge the “Kittens” (opposite of cougars), if anyone has a chance of finding AARP love… Its never going to be us.
*Not ALL men go for younger women – TRUST ME!
I’m 60 years old.The best relationship I ever had was with a young woman much younger than I was.
We were crazy about each other despite having little in common in terms of culture and education, which I now understand is a meaningless, even artifical, difference when people are truly compatible. I should have married her, but I was young and foolish.
I have always believed that ideally a man should be fifteen to twenty years older than his wife.
Even older can also work depending on the man and woman involved.
Not everyman loses his sex drive with age–but if you are a couch potato and eat like a pig, you will probably lose it.
And not all old guys have sagging bodies, pot bellies, and jowls.
As for a man retiring before his wife, some of us have our own businesses and intend to keep working until we drop.
As for age related health issues–sure there will be some, but I’ve known plenty of men in their twenties and thirties who already have more serious health issues than having to go to the bathroom once or twice a night.
And I’ve know quite a few women who died of disease by the age of 55–sometimes a lot younger than that.
Nonetheless, I have do have some concerns about how long I can keep going before I start to slow down–but I’ve learned firsthand that worrying too much about tomorrow can actually destroy your chance of happiness and success: dwelling on your worries has a nasty habit of making them come true.
So don’t worry too much about tomorrow; there’s enough on your plate today, let tomorrow take care of itself.
You can waste a lot of time trying too carefully to plan your future when there are too many unknowns about what might be possible years from now.
Life too rarely offers any of us the chance for true happiness with someone, so if it feels right, be brave and go for it, like I should have done–but didn’t.
Reading this and many other articles written for this site, I notice all the “advice suggestions” are written by “experts” under 6o. Life Experience is one of the most important ingredients of a relationship, and those of us who are of the “mature age” would like to read an article from that side of life. Is there an over60writer “expert” on this site? These youngsters are in for a shock as their years accumulate and see what is really “out there”!
I agree that this site is a total bust. I will not renew my membership. None of the matches I’ve been sent even come close to matching me. They are either too old or too young or unattractive. Many are not paying members, and this is an expensive dating site that should not allow people to be on the site if they’re not going to pay like the rest of us.
I am a 65-year-old woman and would consider myself an “over-60 expert” answering Rose’s request. I have many friends who married men 15-20 years older when they were in late 40s and 50s who are now my age and married to 80-year-old men and very unhappy. What looked good to them then does not look good to them now as they are still energetic. All the middle age men I know are still chasing the younger ones. I will not be on this site much longer…I spent a lot of money and only to find out most of the guys aren’t even members any longer. I know this because when I left the site once before I continued to get inquiries for months (of course I’d have to rejoin to find contact them) Fool me once…this is totally DISHONEST by our famous eHarmony Christian sight. Shame on Mr Warren for allowing these practices!
Age does not matter to date. I think the important thing is the attention and affection.
Greetings: As a recently joined member of this site, I had just gotten out of a nine-month relationship with a man who was 20 years my senior (40-60). This subject is of interest to me for this reason. We did not meet this way, but we met through a fluke through local media.
We got along great, spent many Saturday nights and Sunday mornings together, and even attended family events on both sides. However, inevitably, he decided that the age difference was too much and advised me in an emotional phone call one day. While I was quite disappointed, I also realized that in some way I was relieved as I admit to having some misgivings about his “old-man” habits as well. A retired mechanic and guitar player, his hearing is not the strongest and even though we joked about what he thought I said, there were most likely some communication gaps.
We are both truly decent and well-raised people, and he asked me to try the “friends” thing and so far we are doing okay. Now, normally, the post-breakup-friend-thing is _not_ my gig, but I know he is a good person who appreciated everything I did during the relationship so he is sincere. (For you cynics out there, there is no financial benefit in it for either of us; everything is separate so that is not a factor.) In fact, he asked me to go see a local band with him this weekend and I agreed.
I really enjoyed our time together as a couple, although sometimes it did feel awkward. Don’t get me wrong; he definitely had ability to “perform,” but it truly wasn’t all about that. We had hours of conversations that you can’t have with just everyone. You know what I mean, I hope. We just clicked, I guess.
We truly enjoy each other’s company and I accepted his invitation for this weekend as it’s something that we both will enjoy and I am a technically single woman so I am not disrespecting anyone. Yes, I’m on this site, but have not yet met anyone specifically, so this is strictly two acquaintances both attending something they enjoy.
Bottom line: I know that most people prefer to believe that age may not matter in a mature, later-in-life relationship, but to this person it does. Our greatest discrepancies were height and age, of which I think we were both self-conscious (I know I was) with me at 5’2″ (not counting heels, which I love) and him at 6’4″, and me at 40 and him at 60 (he was twenty years old and in the service the year I was born!).
However, I am glad that we still appreciate each other, even though the friendship thing is new. There is no FWB (see, he probably wouldn’t get that acronym as he is not into texting and has little regard for “text-talk” anyway), but I know that he will be gentlemanly and treat me well, which is actually quite important at my age.
I think of my grandparents – they were lucky enough to not have to worry dating later in life as they stayed together, and my Grandma was as a big of a flirt as I am though she was 100% loyal to my papa. How do we do this? It’s awkward to date these days, online or otherwise.
What’s the point: does age make a difference? I think that it might, even in middle-age years (40s on). Thanks for reading. Best of luck to you.
Well stated and so true, Sherry and Rose.