Love, or infatuation, or romantic feelings can really cloud one’s judgment. I have been reading many posts lately here on Advice, the latest being from a lovely lady who has gotten to know a man she met online fairly well – at least as well as possible via the phone and email.
The problem? They live 2 hours away from each other, and he apparently is so busy with work he doesn’t have time to actually meet her.
The other problem? That she makes excuses for this behavior, describing how his business is slow, so slow, in fact, that he had to take a second job working many extra hours a week.
Here is the deal: If a man (or woman) is really into you and really wants to see you, it will happen. They will make it happen. Period. Whenever someone makes excuses, it is usually because they aren’t that interested, or they have something else going on (like another relationship) behind the scenes. The bottom line: They are not available for a relationship.
So should she invest any more time talking on the phone with him, or mulling over the situation? I would say no. How about meeting someone who actually has time and wants to be with you? We are all certainly worthy of that.
The next time you start to make an excuse for your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or whomever, take a step back and remember that this person is choosing to behave in a certain way – and they are responsible for their actions – and excuses.
What do you think? If someone doesn’t make a real effort to see you and always has excuses, do you confront them? Ditch them?
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Ditch them. I have seen it too, my lovesick friend has been scammed and hurt 3 times in a year because of false promises and words spoken.
But what if their excuse is because of a chronic health problem like kidney failure. I wonder sometimes if that would be an obsticle to dating someone with the weakness and fatique.
People can definitely have multiple legitimate reasons to be busy. If they can’t find even a little time for you though, they’re either not interested or legitimately too busy for a relationship anyway.
One such example is a guy a close friend of mine met on Match. After weeks of communication, he seemed to ‘disappear’. Yes, she was disappointed. You know the routine: he’s so sweet…we’re compatible…blah blah…
Well, he wrote back (finally) after a short absence (2 weeks) and ‘explained’…he and the ex GF were apparently trying to work things out, blah blah..he’d gone on Match “just to see” blah blah… too interest in my friend, blah blah.. Determined he and EX just “were not”, and wanted to finally meet up with my friend…
They set a coffee date. Guess what? He was a no-show.. No further explanation.. No further contact with her..
Yah. JERKS-unlimited..
There’s a difference when someone makes excuses or when time alone is needed for awhile to sort things through. Excuses lead to more excuses.If you want to be together, you both make it happen.
i agree, move on if someone makes excuses. Life is too short to waste on people who dont find you important!!
Love is full of KEPT promises, not continuous excuses!
I say move on ASAP, if you accept even one excuse, it will lead to many more, and you’ll get buried underneath, and won’t be able to see clearly what is going on, so the sooner you move on and keep one simple thing in mind, that if someone is interested, they will want to spend time with you and will make the time… we are soooo worth it….anything less is settling for crumbs….
Don’t just walk away without first finding the root cause. To many people in today’s society walk away at the first sign of trouble as if the relationship was disposable. There may be an underlying reason that is easily fixable if only care, concern, and understanding for the other is shown.
thanks Rob. i totally agree coz i’m on the other side of the fence. i often can’t make time 4 my sweetie due 2 work & church & the very litlle time i hv left i’m so tired i just want 2 sleep… poor me
I’d have to agree with moving on. Anyone who is truly interested in getting to know you will find the time for you. I’ve been in relationships where I was always second priority, it doesn’t change or get better.
Travis.. such words of wisdom! Glad I learned this lesson the tough way
Naivete is a horrible lesson to learn.. As you said, if they are sincerely interested, they will make time.
I just stopped seeing a man because for this very reason. He lives 3 hours away which didn’t bother me since his children live in my town. The main problem was the excuses. He works 10 hour shift in Law Enforcement and has a 3 day weekend. He would wait until it was 10 minutes before he wanted to go to bed to call. Then he would make the same excuse every time about being tired. I got tired of calling him twice a day only to get a voice mail. Ultimately, I was on the bottom of his priority list. Before anyone makes excuses for him and his job, I am retired Law Enforcement and was married to a decorated officer for 25 years who always called at least 3 times a day. Some men will not commit no matter how wonderful we are.
Luv words of wisdom
I have to say move on. I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy who always had an excuse that he couldn’t get together. It ranged from needing to mow the lawn to grocery shopping, cleaning house to he was tired. We only lived 40 minutes from each other and he considered that to be long distance, even to the point he didn’t even want to try to get together during the week too. He went the whole summer without seeing me but every other weekend. His daughter wasnt even with him for the summer, she stayed at her moms for the summer. Come to find out he was just watching tv, “playing” on the computer, or talking to other women. He could never remember what we talked about half the time. So if he’s not making the time to be with you then his interest lies somewhere else. As I always say now, people who want a relationship make the time, people who don’t make excuses.
I like someone who does not call me regularly. I always make the first move. I’m losing it, so I decided to move on, I want to be just as special in someone’s life as they are in mine. He had a depression problem so I thought I was understanding that is why I stayed in it for 6 months. I don’t understand depression so I needed to get out. To many excuses, he wasn’t that into me.
The problem is that “moving on” implies there is someone to move on with. My “excuse” guy is the only person I have found online that I really, really, REALLY enjoy talking to. Others I’m interested in aren’t interested in me. Those who wink at me, etc., I am not even remotely interested in. So I let “excuse” guy continue to “play” me – all the while wondering…WHY? Anybody have an answer to that question? Why would someone continue to lead someone else on if they’re not interested?
The “winks” you’re passing by just may be your diamond in the rough, your buried treasure. Getting to know at least one of them can’t hurt any worse than being rejected by someone who doesn’t really want you!
Because they are being Jerky, plain and simple. A real man (meaning Mature) doesn’t mistreat women; he respects boundaries and was taught manners.
Leading someone on is just plain BS: They simply just don’t care – are selfish, immature, and self centered. The guys are labeled “Players”. The ladies (well, it’s definitely NOT ‘Ladies’!)
“Moving on” doesn’t necessarily mean there’s always a someone-else. I’ve known dating scenarios were the guy/gal only used that excuse in order to justify their poor actions.
How about allowing “excuse guy” be your learning bridge of whom to avoid in your dating future? Yeah, it does suck. It hurts, in fact. You really link on to a person, and start “liking” them, only to discover they aren’t what/who they seem.
Because he can get away with it. My thought is if he is a player and not looking for a relationship why is he on this site anyways? Same happened to me I did not let him waste my time because I am worthy to myself. He tried to lead me on and not respond to calls, emails or texts. I told him go find a whore because I was not one!
Moving on doesn’t mean there is a “someone” to move onto. You are someone without another person so moving on is just moving on with your life. Another person will be there at the right time. We all just have to be patient!
Out of 9 comments, I only see one comment from Rob that is the sensible way to handle it. I can’t believe almost everybody here, it’s about them and nobody else. Did they forget that when in a relationship, both sides need to act fairly and find truth of the cause?
No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high.
I am one of those guys that get compliants from my girl that I’m too busy and don’t have time for her.
She had problems and work wanted to quit. I told her that she can move in with me for free if she really wants to leave the job. The only criteria I had was that she takes care of herself physically and mentally.
Shortly after, she moved in and cut most of her expenses down since I pay for almost everything. The only thing she pays for is her own health/auto insurance and gas for her car most of the time.
When she was here, she saw how busy I really was and still complained. I told her I need to make sure we had a bright future.
I thought that was a good excuse. So far, it looks like she is accepting it.
That doesn’t sound like an excuse, that sounds like a fair reason to be busy. I don’t think this was about guys like you. It’s about the ones that are blowing girls off for the purpose of avoiding having to tell them the truth: They’re just not that into them.
yeah u’re a real gentleman! a very understanding one.
Yep, move on. If he wants to be with you, he should make time for you!
And he/she won’t be purposely evasive with their reasons or answers. While you don’t need graphic novel details, they do owe you some explanation. If they cannot honor this, then, cough it as Loss and simply move on.
I agree move on it doesnt get any better.this guy I meet we dated for a month I was lucky to see him once a week his excuse was he worked and he was building a garge.he still could have time out for me
I think if the guy makes excuses as to why he can’t see you- DITCH him. He is just not that into you. If a guy likes you, he’ll find a way. No man is too busy to get what they want. I met a real nice man and he live 5 hours away from me but he never cared to go the distance. Seeing me and spending time together was on top of his list. He drove every weekend back and forth, rain or shine, going thru a very windy road just
to see me. I felt special. He did the daunting drive til he eventually convinced me to give up my job and be with him. I did and best decision i ever made in my life. We got engaged and was gonna get married but he passed away. My point is, there are a lot of gentleman out there that do believe in chivalry still. I’m keeping my eyes and my heart wide open. Dont make excuses for them coz the chance is that they aren’t seeing you because they are just not that into you. Save the heartache!
People have time for whatever they make time for. If they can’t make time to see you, clearly you are not very high on their list of priorities. I think women feel the need to talk about why a relationship ended, while men usually try to avoid this conversation and usually just avoid the woman until she gets the hint. Not an admirable tactic by any standard, but I suppose it gets the job done.
One of those ‘reasons’ Christina is that most men are taught sharing any real feelings is either gay or just not normal. Sure the guys do have their ‘guy time’ away, but they don’t share as we women do. Many men also are simply uncomfortable with discussions. And many avoid the ‘break up talk/reason’ because they simply just don’t want to think about what went wrong, etc. Again — feelings.
The cookie is always better than the crumbs……
All have said move on.. A couple have said to ask etc. My comment.. On individual’s information many individuals write that they want from another person are honesty, integrity respect, and communication. So if this is what people are looking for, why are people not this way? If someone has decided they are not interested in pursuing the relationship why not say so? Is it naive to believe in the “golden rule?” do onto others etc?
Insecurity.
I used to have 2 close guy friends who lived this, daily.
A secure man KNOWS what he wants – is looking for (and won’t just ‘settle’)
An insecure guy merely dog-paddles the waters, doesn’t know how to talk with women, is usually immature, and acts like someone he isn’t.
I say move on I know ive met a guy over 4 yrs now and he works for the post office delivering mails at first,now he has an office job,he always say he wants to getogether im free since i dont work.About a yr ago he was ask to go out of town to work,he has been back several times we talk online and he ask to come over but when I sugest a day he said he is busy,its been 3months now since we havent spoken to each other,he dont have a phone so i cant call him or viceversa.so i decide to forget it.I think if he was really into me he would have found the time to see me.So ladies do yourself a favor if you dont think your relationship is going any where then i think its best to walk away.Thats what im doing
He doesn’t have a phone! And you believe that?
I dated a guy that was busy most of the time, when we started dating, he really made the time for me, but as time goes on, relationships lose their “exciting” “honeymoon” etc so he seemed to MAKE less time for me… I have a lot of respect for guys that have their own things going on, and that have a hard working ethic, I have a lot of strong friendships etc… so I tried to accept that he was actually busy, and did care about me. Unfortunately, in the end it wasn’t enough!!
The things you need to consider are:
1. are you getting what you need from this relationship (“I can put up with it” only goes for so long until you become unfulfilled and unhappy)
2. have you discussed this with him, and is he willing to accept that you need to be more important, or do more excuses get thrown your way?
3. are you expecting too much, and not giving them the space that they require to be independent and happy. Maybe your relationship needs are not compatible.
Very nicely put Jessica
I think that giving some one the benifet of the doubt is safer than throwing away a potencially perfect relationship. People are in too much of a rush to “fall in love” or what they might think is love. On the other hand if you are given excuse after excuse after excuse each and every time then maybe the flag should be up for a reason. Today society we want instant every thing but…..good things come to those who wait for it.and that is not a bad thing.. patience is a virtue!!!
An old Singles acquaintance actually had the gall to state one time, after a luncheon (casual dating group chat) that he should be settled down by now (he was 42 then), but that there was always another pretty gal out there awaiting his money & attention, and why settle for less..
You talk about your arrogant, self-centered twits. And YES – he is still single today (middle aged) and NOT seeing anyone (had had countless ‘GF’s over the years)
I’ve been on eHarmony about a year. I’ve sent a few smiles and seen that some matches have visted my site, but I don’t hear from very many. One was several states away and we emailed for awhile. Then I stopped hearing from him. My thought was that he may have met someone who lived closer. I do think a long distance romance would be difficult. I think it would really be good for a match to just say why he or she is not writing anymore. I would just wish him the best of everything. That would be so much better than wondering what happened.
let me know if i’m on the wrong channel
here.
but my honest experience has been it’s my girl friends that can’t make the time 2 meet. they always say ‘we should meet’ but never make the effort 2 make it happen.
well,., sad 2 say.. i ditched them as the hurt goes a long way.
thankfully my man is more faithful than all my girl friends put together..
still, i’m sad coz i cannot find a single woman friend that doesn’t make me feel like i’m the bottom of her priority.
As a female who has been online dating for several years, I find that – like with every venue for meeting people- there are pros and cons. Each different way of meeting people can be both benficial and a struggle. For example, the bar scene. Think about it. The pro is you can see the person, how they ‘party,’ listen to them, look them in the eye, etc. But, the negative is, you are meeting them in a meat market AND it is highly possible you are wasting hours of your time on just ONE person who may or may not fit your personal lifestyle.
Online dating is no different. The pros are that you can meet many, many people immediately, qualify them by their profile (taking into consideration it may be a work of art), talk with them and have some record of their intelligence level. The cons are that they may be players or serial daters or secretely married on the side. Again, pros and cons….
The greatest insight I (or anyone) can afford is to use common sense. Listen to your gut instinct… If something appears “off,” odds are, something is off. Be mature and responsible. Offer a chance to explain and express your needs (and even your insights into the situation). Often, the other person may not even realize how they are coming across. However, it is equally as possible, they do and they could care less. If that is the case, no harm, no foul. Pick up your toys and go play in someone else’s sandbox. Its a BIG playground out there.
Good luck!