Today’s guest blog comes from life coach Barbara Waxman. I love this post about learning from others — and living a life without regrets.
Let me tell you a story about my mother. She was leading a rather ordinary day; in fact, she was out food shopping in order to prepare dinner for a friend. On her way out of the market, unbeknownst to her, a market employee haphazardly flung a shopping cart towards the cart rack in order to return it to that area. I think we’ve all done that at one time or another; it’s not a good idea. He missed. Instead he hit my unknowing mother, who by the way is 76 years old, in the back and she went flying. Fearing that she would break her wrists, she shifted her body in such a way that she would avert breaking the fall that way; in so doing, she torqued her back and fractured a vertebra instead. She was in tremendous pain and frightened. An ambulance was called and when they arrived she barely answered their questions…until she heard one of the medical technicians asking what should be done with the two bags of groceries. At that moment she had perfect clarity. Coming out of her fog, she piped up: “Would you please go by my apartment building on the way to the hospital? I have fresh fish in there and I know the doorman will get it into my refrigerator.” Now that is the kind of clarity we’d all like to have.
As a coach, I work with many people who feel as though things in their life have become less clear, foggy, and they feel overwhelmed. They recognize that feeling crystal clear is liberating and frankly, gets them where they want to go—it’s the wind in their sales. But it gets lost so easily when the busyness of life takes over and we lose sight of what makes us happy and focused.
When push comes to shove (no pun intended), we know what is most important in our lives. The question is how to access and live that inner wisdom without falling on our proverbial a**es. A good way to begin is to take a long view. A recent article entitled “Top five regrets of the dying” by Susan Steiner helps put this long view into perspective. Instead of beginning with a list of goals to tackle and struggling to reach them, why not try this deeper, resonant approach as a path to your 20/20 life?
Here is how I suggest you use these: find a friend, partner, loved one and go for a walk. Take these along and discuss them. Listen and feel your reactions throughout the conversation—do you feel that clarity I referred to earlier? Do you feel a lightness and opening that confirms that your choices and behaviors are on target? Or do you feel a tightening, even a headache? Your body’s response is the best indicator of what you know to be true and what you might want to do about it. What needs to shift in your life so you won’t wish you had done things differently?
Here goes:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier.
Learning from one another is one of the best tools we have towards clarity. You are invited to share your response to these prompts in the comment section below. In addition, I’ll send you information about how to set follow-up goals. Simply visit my website and sign up for my quarterly newsletter at http://www.barbarawaxman.com/.
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Thanks a lot for the useful tips.
Terrific post. I would add something like “I wish I had spent more time talking with my kids.” It’s too easy to get caught up in all the stresses of the busy day and leaving them to their own devices. Sometimes I feel like we’re strangers to each other, and focusing attention and emotion on a new partner can add to the distance.
I often use this approach when making conscious decisions and try to keep that general attitude as well….to live my life in such as way as to have no regrets on my death bed. I usually think more of achieving goals and being courageous in a more adventurous kind of way though, and I really like the simplicity of the list you provide. Especially staing in touch with friends and expressing feelings.
Hello Barbara ~ this is a good subject and I’m surprised that it didn’t catch on – last post was in March 2012 and only two posts total.
Leading a 20/20 life is a good goal (in hindsight) but it doesn’t work all the time when it supposed to. I guess one has to go through youth and the process of maturity before realizing which side is up, never mind the 20/20 piece. The wishful thinking then becomes when we’ve done some living; but that also means ‘regrets’, and that’s not a positive thing to carry on; the river water rolled by pass the bridge long time ago and is never coming back. Therefore, when we get to the point of ‘regretting’, that is when it should be the time to get this 20/20 segment going instead. Prior to that, we don’t know what we should as our youthful age makes us feel that we own the world and nothing will change that!
And so I want to share with you how this ‘formula’ has worked (or not) for me.
I am in my mid 60s and do enjoy my mature disposition with all the great insights life has bestowed upon me. At the age of 5, I’ve got the polio virus so lived a life full of painful experiences due to the disabling physical condition it left me in its passing; however painful experiences, they were vehicles of insight enrichment! By force, no regrets fit in this scheme.
Later, I got married (no kids). My husband was alcoholic but I was pretty naïve of what that meant so I minimized its effects. As he was destroying his life, he was taking me down as well so I decided not to be part of his ride and did let him go. There were all sort of regrets with this experience but again, no one can undo any of this so I moved on. This taught me a great big lesson but none of it was being regretful for being married to him. I wouldn’t have had that lesson learned. It is not the same as when someone advises us about avoiding certain things in life; feeling the fall, sensing the stinking smell of the relationship dying – no words can make you wiser. So no regrets there either.
Now that’s all behind me, I am in search of my next relationship, and I have a great difficulty; this is not because I’m fussy. I am a highly educated professional and a pretty good looking one as well. I don’t think it is my appearance nor is my lack of education or deficits of being a well rounded individual the reason why. It is the disability. It pains me when some individuals cannot pass beyond the physical piece of it and at least start a conversation – so I can show them polio may have affected my body but not the rest of who I am.
I do have the clarity you are talking about it – if you think that I don’t and simply I am deceiving myself, please respond. The wind in my sails (not sales), is blowing pretty healthily.
Theodora,
Thanks for sharing your story; it really touched me. I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to share something with you that was laid on my heart as and after I read your response. I am what you would call a woman of the Word (bible).
#1 — From Psalm 139:13-15
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[a]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
#2 — From Isaiah 43:18-20
18 “Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
20 The beast of the field will honor Me,
The jackals and the ostriches,
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.
#3 — From Joel 2:25-27
25 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,[b]
My great army which I sent among you.
26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame.
27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
I am the Lord your God
And there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.
So, in pasting these words, what I wanted to convey to you is:
1) You are wonderfully made
2) You are right in not looking back – good things are ahead for you, and
3) God will restore the years for you.
You are not deceiving yourself – there is someone just perfect for you!!!
Sherlene,
Thank you for being the messenger of these Words! Thank you for the faith! I will keep them in my heart. They open up the flood gates! You are so kind! I know it only takes one and that is why I’m here.
Hmm… I’m not sure I agree with the idea that goals get in the way of the things you’re talking about. I think that if someone is trying to achieve their goals instead of having close relationships and expressing themselves, they just need to add those items to their list of goals. The choice isn’t always between work and relationships. Sometimes, you can have both and cut out other less important parts from your life, like maybe video games, lurking on Facebook, and watching television. You just have to list all the things you want to achieve, then prioritize. Having great relationships just means keeping them near the top of your list of priorities.
I concur – so long we are honest about them!
Agreed – so long it’s done in honesty!
McDonald’s, My I phone, Family, a nice view – Nature lover, Screw driver with Mango pulp or Something or Nothing.
….and trying to keep eternity’s values in view while counting my blessings!