Our guest blogger today is author/YourTango relationship coach Virginia Clark, who offers some wisdom into the ever-popular question, “Why are you still single?”
What determines whether you find the love of your life or end up alone? This question haunts even the most confident women. You’re not alone. It comes up when you’ve spent years in and out of failed relationships and you finally reach the point of wanting to give up on love.
If you ask this question in the form of a complaint, like “why me?” you won’t get a satisfactory answer. But if you ask it with an open mind and in the spirit of wanting to know the truth, it can make the difference between finding the love of your life—or being alone.
Here are three possible reasons why you might ask “Why am I still single?” One or two of them may apply to you, or maybe all three. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself when you consider them. You, like me many years ago, may have some “blind spots” that make it hard for you to see the truth of your situation. If any one of these strikes a nerve but you’re not sure, get some objective feedback or ask a friend what they think so you can move forward.
Three reasons you may be asking, “Why am I still single?”:
1. You’re ambivalent about entering into a committed, intimate relationship with a man.
As much as you think you want a partner, you may find it hard to leave your comfort zone of being single. I know you don’t think you’re comfortable, but we tend to go for what’s familiar. Ambivalence will prevent you from taking the emotional risks necessary to get close enough to a man to love him and let him love you. It will keep you from fully committing to finding a partner, and creates all kinds of sneaky ways to ruin your relationships. If left unchallenged, it will keep you falling for unavailable men or with acts of self-sabotage such as drinking too much on a first date. Ambivalence will make you believe all kinds of excuses and rationalizations as to why you haven’t met the right man, and it will keep you in a state of blaming rather than taking responsibility.
2. You make finding a man more important than finding happiness.
It’s a cliche but it’s true: You can’t depend on anything outside of yourself to make you happy. Believe me, if you tend to be a negative woman who always sees the glass as half empty, nothing is going to change when you find Mr. Right and marry him.
Yes, you might have a few months of intoxication when you are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. But soon, as the headiness wears off and you start to see the real man with all of his imperfections, you’ll no longer be able to get the “happiness fix.” Your negative attitude will creep back in and you’ll be stuck feeling miserable again.
3. You don’t value yourself enough to set boundaries.
Every relationship you enter into requires some form of boundaries. Whether it’s your hairdresser, your doctor, or your mother, there are “rules” that are implied in the nature of a relationship. If you let people—men in particular—get away with breaking the rules you need to feel safe and loved, you’ll end up floundering emotionally and be full of resentment.
Boundaries, like discipline, create freedom. If you don’t have standards in your relationships, you’re at the mercy of someone else’s bad behavior. “Why am I still single?” is a good question to ask yourself and you shouldn’t be afraid of the answer. Facing what has been holding you back is the only way to move yourself forward to get the love you desire.
See more from Virginia Clark!
More at YourTango:
5 Healthy Ways to Break Up with Your Ex, as part of their big ‘Break Up with Your Ex’ month, 6 Steps to Get Over Your Ex, 3 Things You Can Do When He Gets Emotionally Distant
If you’re single, does any of the above make sense to you? Why do you think you are single – and are you content and happy with that being your status?
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Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
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I didn’t even want to read this at first, but I must say, it’s quality material. Great article, thank you!
So I have a question, I’ve read this article, and believe it offers women some good insight. The problem I’ve been having is that I value who I am, I’ve set boundaries, and am happy to do so. Being comfortable being single has helped with this. My question would be, why if you respect yourself enough to set boundaries, do the people who state they care for you and want to be there disappear? It’s like they are telling us, “oh, well, you have respect for yourself, guess we better look elsewhere”. I’ve been single multiple times throughout my life and it’s the same thing every time, unless I settle. Frankly, I’m getting too old to settle anymore.
Anyway, so yeah, if you do what the article says, and you’re still single, what then? It’s fine, I’m actually happier than I’ve been in allot of years, but still a bit curious.
Thanks…
To Sherry:
First congrats for “Being comfortable being single”. I know firt hand, that is not easy.
As for why your friends disappear on you, you may have made poor choices in friends. When I left my marriage, the only friends I had were the brothers, uncles, fathers of someone who my ex-wife knew. When I left her, I had no friends; over time I made new friends (same gender); and that has made all the difference in the world.
Most people are too awkward to know how to deal with a single person; they may also feel threatened by you. I think women are worse than men in some ways.
What has worked for me is to keep building your life into something wonderful. Find new interests, new friends. Who knows the love of your life may come.
As for why you are still single, did you think that you are just too picky?
Best,
Hank
Dear Hank:
As with others, I feel like this article does not move me any closer to anything. I am in a good space, I’m very outgoing, talk to anyone, I am constantly getting into activities, and have been told that I’m pretty a few times =]. I have definitely established boundaries, am confident, yet open. But, no mate, and no prospects since 2007. Don’t know what gives, and neither do my VERY HONEST friends (male included ranging from my age of 35 to 30 years my senior). No one gets what the issue may be…
Wither regard to your response to Sherry though… Although it is possible that she -might- be ‘picky,’ yes… It came off to me as well… rather trite and a bit insulting.
You insinuate that the answer may lie in her being ‘picky,’ and we all know the connotations that accompany the usage of that word (read: women are most often too picky).
You know, sometimes, it’s okay not to have an answer, even when someone is looking for one. And even when you are supposed to be an ‘authority.’
It’s a whole hell of a lot better to admit that you’re not sure than someone offending, insulting, or dismissing someone just to save face to appear knowledgeable or correct.
Sorry dude. My two…
You’re probably not being expressive enough. You have to express your happiness to everyone around you. Those who see that you enjoy life to the fullest will be interested in hanging out with you. You must in yourself be addictive.
I agree with Sherry. I don’t think it’s as simple as the article implies.
I have found that there are 3 reasons why a woman gets married. 1) Financial Security 2) Emotional Security that someone will always be there to take care of you. 3) Falling in love.
Reason # 1 – Nail. Head.
I believe that ambivalence is less prevalent here at eH (I think most people here are generally more serious about actually finding a relationship), but on other dating sites (*cough*cough*Match*cough*) it’s rampant. As if it’s not bad enough that guys outnumber women 4 to 1, my experience has been that most (middle aged) women are simply “toying” with the idea of a relationship, or worse, many are there solely looking for validation that they’ve still “got it” and nothing more.
JOHN..You are so right! This is a fact!!!! Most of the women are between relationships and just looking for the push from a number of guys to boost the ego…I find that the ” thanks for being my friend” is really ” thanks for the compliments I’m now ready to move into a relationship with someone else…lol
I frankly think this is a load of crap. I’m single because I refuse to settle. I know what I want, I know what I’m worth and I know what I won’t put up with.
The article has great insight however, additional guidance about boundaries would be helpful.
The boundary that may have been hinted at is sex. Having sex too soon gives a false sense of attachment and commitment. Setting the boundary to wait often ends the relationship. Following healthy emotional boundaries not to mention physical and spiritual boundaries is difficult because too many men expect sex too early in a relationship. They fail to see that if a woman has standards, she is less likely to cheat and more likely to commit to one man. This societal problem is the root of many poor relationships.
its complicated.. sometimes man dont understands,sometimes woman.. i think,understanding a also a factor for make a strong relationship.. how you value eachother.. i m a man,single for 29yrs. there can b lot of other factors for remain single.. jus like me,when we search our kinda person,but never find her.. and not ready to compromise… but agreed,this article is really meaningful..!
Life is a journey set from your previous life karma. I have been married for last 44 years. My wife and I give space to each other to do things independantly. At the end of the day we still love and respect each other. Being in love means give and take and if can follow that tradition you will have no problem finding your true life partner.
Because MEN never wonder why they’re constantly single, right?
1. You’re ambivalent about entering into a committed, intimate relationship.
No, I’m perfectly FINE about entering a committed, intimate relationship. However, men who are fine with being in a committed relationship are immediately classified as creepy and stalkerish, so that does me no good whatsoever.
2. You make finding a man more important than finding happiness.
Aren’t we all trying to find that special someone for the sake of finding happiness in the first place? If we were happy despite our singlehood, why bother even looking?
3. You don’t value yourself enough to set boundaries.
Most people would say I’m single BECAUSE of the boundaries and standards I’ve established for myself.
I very much agree with your post. I am 53, a retired RN, I “have my stuff together” and I believe that intimidates a lot of men. I am not a clingy, needy, high-maintenance woman – and it seems that all the women I know who ARE that way end up with partners. Granted, they are probably not men I’d care to make a life with. BUT… it’s still curious that I have my own home, car, had a great career, can live on my retirement, and I’m looking for someone to share all of this with and can’t find him.
I belong to several online dating sites, and the guys just don’t seem to be able to bother making a plan to have a real DATE. They want to meet “tonight” or… have had some even say “let’s meet in the walmart parking lot & eyeball each other.” WTF?! If you can’t even take 5 minutes to make a real date with me, move on!
What about people like me who just don’t have experience with dating or friendships…people who are alone and who are shy, some chronically shy? We don’t even have a basic understanding of relationships let alone a foundation to build more relationships upon. What about us? This article is useless to me.
just have to say Kathy, ditto.
I wanted to take a second and reply to a few posts here.
Bobzeaux – Your points are valid. One thing that I have noticed is that some of the women on eHarmony know what they want (they say) but don’t see what is in front of them. While I personally am browsing for a female who “has their crap together”, I am also avoiding those who are set in their ways. While this may sound negative to some – personal confidence, goals and a clear path are great. However, a “damn the torpedos, full speed ahead” while also looking for someone are two mindsets at odds. If you are going to head into a relationship and you take the stance that “they have to conform to what I do” (for either the male or female) – it won’t work long term. You are not going to find a perfect image of yourself in the opposite gender – successful relationships take compromise and a union of two people who want to work together to find things they can share.
Kat – There is some deception on this site. I have met a few females here for dates, and have heard a few tell me “I met the guy and he looked nothing like his pictures whatsoever”. Now we hope this is not the case, but this could lead to the “eye-balling” scenario – especially is one has had the displeasure of this occurring more than once.
Everyone else – While having boundaries are vital to being single, they must dissipate over time within a relationship. Anyone here who has ever been in a relationship where both people didn’t (over time) reveal themselves fully to the other knows that this creates “walls”. These barriers prevent your relationship from ever moving from great to amazing.
While we all know compromises are key, and compatibility is a must, if you are not approaching a relationship where you are willing to adjust your schedule, so things you used to not do, or are generally stubborn it will not last. If this is the case, you shouldn’t be looking in the first place until your mindset changes.
Why am I single? Because I won’t have sex right away, with some older man with poor hygiene and boring conversation that’s all about him, who thinks he “has” me because I agreed to a date. Also–because a guy my own age who seems and looks pleasant enough, is looking for a younger, prettier, more “gullible” woman who will jump into bed.
Admit it, dudes–you’re the picky ones!