Our guest blogger today is the insightful Renee Fisher, author of the brand-new ‘Not Another Dating Book’.
It is no surprise I am a former eHarmony subscriber – I was hardcore about meeting someone, and learned a few things along the way, like how to tell the difference between a relationship worth pursuing and a relationship better left alone. Here are three important questions I’ve learned to ask myself to help me discern the keepers from the posers.
1.Is he ready?
There are two types of guys (or girls) online. The first is looking for love in all the right places. He may not have the best job, or like where he’s at in life–but he’s ready and willing to share life with someone. This guy has guts — like Jerry. That’s not his real name, but it is for the purpose of this blog. Jerry owns a nice yellow sports car, lives in a three-bedroom condo, and works hard at his government job. As soon as he initiated contact with me, I knew he meant business. He messaged me first. After we exchanged phone numbers, he wasted no time asking me out for our first time. I never had to guess with him. We dated awhile, and I enjoyed the fact that there was a guy out there who was ready to be in a committed relationship. Even though our personalities didn’t jive well in the end, it was nice to be treated like a lady.
The second guy, however, is full of it—hot air, that is. His fancy words come up empty as you seek to move from open communication to meaningful conversation. If you even make it to the first date, you’ve learned all there is to know about him. This guy has no surprises. He’s not ready to woo a woman—yet. That was Pierre. He also owns a sports car and is the manager of a company. At first, he seems gentlemanly and responsible. However, after our dinner date, I found his conversation turned sexual pretty quick. He asked me to come back to his place and that’s when I knew he was dating with only one agenda in mind. It wasn’t even his condo—it belongs to his ex-fiancé, although he has no plans of moving out soon. It was the most awkward date ever!
2. What kind of woman is he looking for and what are his deal-breakers?
Even though the process of going through the must-haves and can’t-stands goes pretty quickly—this should be the most important step. Ask him, or observe, what he’s looking for. It will help clue you into what kind of guy he really is. Is he ready or is he just looking for a hookup or an emotional connection without commitment? Sometimes this can take a little time. For example, I didn’t know when I first started talking to Pierre that most of his must-have’s were related to physical attraction, but I soon learned.
3. Do you trust your heart?
The hardest thing about online dating is you really don’t know the person. A few winks, emails, and text message can’t tell you enough about him (or her). If the guy is willing and ready to pursue, take the time to get to know him through a series of coffee, lunch, and even dinner dates. By then, you’ll know what your heart is telling you. Then comes the hard part—having the courage to follow through.
Renee Fisher, author of Not Another Dating Book (Harvest House, February 2012), met her husband after being single for more than a decade. Still in her 20’s, she enjoys blogging, hanging out with friends, and long walks on the beach. Visit her at http://www.devotionaldiva.com/.
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Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
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Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Is this really advice? Yeah, it’s great to find out these things, obviously. But Renee doesn’t explain at all how she acquires this information other than the fact that Pierre invited her home on the first date. Is Renee suggesting that people outright ask “What are you looking for?” It’s hard to tell.
I find it is very important to read your profile thoroughly. I was attracted to this young man and I thought he wold be attracted to me. To my dismay he closed out on me. I was disappointed. My daughter was reading my profile. She brought it to my attention that I said I wanted more children and I have 3 children. I am 52 years old. I have been teaching for 26 years. It is no way I would want or have a baby at this point in my life. Also my children are 32, 23 and 17 and by no means babies. He must have assumed I wanted more children and had 3 babies running around my home. Better luck next time. To put it behind me I simply said what’s meant for me, is meant for me and moved on.
I can not agree more! Believe it or not most men are dumb and do not know how to play the dating game. They are so busy thinking with the wrong head, they forget to think with the right one! They truly think that women are desperate, lonely, and will do about anything to have a man! I love men, but think again this is 2012 and women know the game like you do guys and we women will allow you to put your foot in your
mouth without our hearts getting involved and then we’re gone….. leaving your dumb behind hanging!!!
Most men are not dumb, I imagine if they are anything like me they are trying to meet a woman who isn’t playing said “dating game”. As long as you view finding a partner as a game count on being alone. Instead spend your time with someone really getting to know them not doing all the silly crap we consider “dating game” and you might be surprised at who you find.
Could not agree more josh. I cant speak for all men but I do not play this game you speak of. If you are playing games with the men in your life then perhaps you should look in the mirror, you may find the reason for you being single. I am here to find love and start a family, not play some little girls high school dating game. get serious and grow up sandy and those like you or get out of the dating pool and let those of us trying to actually find our soul mate actualize success.