The very best examples of dating issues come right from our own Advice community. We have so many amazing users who give great, honest feedback. One particular thread I found compelling was from a woman who had been seeing a man for two years. He suddenly became distant, didn’t contact her for nearly a week, and she was going crazy trying to figure out if she had done something wrong, or what was going on inside his head. Her gut told her something was wrong. When he finally did contact her, he said it was basically various life stressors and she breathed a sigh of relief. But should she?
A lot of our users pointed a few things out regarding this “yellow flag” situation. I loved their candor and agreed with many of their observations:
1. Intuition: She repeatedly said she just felt something was off. That gut feeling is a powerful thing, so if I were her, I would keep my eyes open and not be afraid to ask him a few questions here and there. So what if it makes him uncomfortable? Don’t worry about rocking the boat. Protecting yourself is most important.
2. When one decides to be in a relationship, there are certain responsibilities to the other person. This guy didn’t contact her for almost a week and didn’t seem very apologetic. This behavior seems selfish to me, to put it lightly. How about calling your partner when you are stressed instead of just putting them on the backburner? We all have tough days and stress in our lives, it’s not really a valid reason to put off your partner (but a common excuse, rather).
3. Open communication is the key to a successful relationship. The fact that she worried, didn’t want to bother him and was afraid to contact him may be a sign to take a hard look at this partnership. We all should be able to express our feelings, good or bad, to one another, without worrying about the other party running for the hills.
I think it is important that we all remember how we want to be treated, and settle for nothing less. We have to speak out and not be afraid to say what we want or need. If the other person can’t handle it, then it’s better to know sooner than later.
Thoughts? Advice? Would love to hear it!
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this is happening to me right now! The very thing! This article is just what I needed to hear. I’ve been telling myself to trust my gut, and I think I’m right. Thing is, it kind of stinks
Right Aimee, this is just pathetic. I am so over guys or any person doing this passive aggressive behavior. The bottom line is that it is at least a friendship…….and if the person can not call…well they are not a friend.
I found these lyrics to a song from 1972:
Okay, so your heart is broken
You sit around mopin’
Cryin’ and cryin’
You say you`re even thinkin’ about dyin’
Well, before you do anything rash, dig this
Everybody plays the fool sometime
There’s no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I ain’t lyin’, everybody plays the fool
Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there’s no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you
Oh-oh-oh, lovin’ eyes they cannot see
A certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean
You can cloud your mind with emotion
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I want to tell ya
Everybody plays the fool
How can you help it when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason is swept away
Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see
You’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry but when you do
Next time around someone cries for you
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
They use your heart like a tool
Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school
I want to say it again
Everybody plays the fool
Listen to me, baby
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
(No exception) no exception to the rule
It may be factual, may be cruel, sometime
But everybody plays the fool
Listen, listen, baby
Everybody plays the fool
I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. I know that when you hear from him you will feel better, but remember the advice is right… Trust your gut. Probably not a good relationship afterall. Yes it stinks!
I just got through this. A guy I was dating told me he was “stressed” and started pulling away. I SHOULD have gone with my gut. I tried to help him along, but ultimately he broke up with me. He told me he didn’t have time for a relationship right now. Cyndie you are right. It really wasn’t a good relationship, but I have learned a great deal about myself and am looking forward to finding someone who can’t wait to spend time with me!
WOW – is this a similar story to mine. THREE years of living together, and when the tough times rolled in, he rolled out. I miss my best friend, but he doesn’t appear to miss me…enough to come home. Calls and texts me every day however, what is UP with THAT? He was the only person that was really a father to my daughter, and she misses her Daddy. I spent ALL of my energy trying to lift him up and support him. He says I’m the greatest person he’s ever met, and beautiful, intelligent…and he may be making the biggest mistake of his life right now, but he needs to ‘fix’ some things about himself. I’d think we could work on becoming better people WHILE we are together, but apparently he’s not ‘into’ me. He’s a ‘New Love’ junky. Doesn’t have the staying power in long-term relationships it seems we were the longest he’s had. He said ‘Make me want you.’ Maybe it’s time for me to say I DESERVE BETTER> wow, but it hurts. Never loved anyone like I love him. Only man that I ever felt was my perfect mate, despite his issues. Never wanted anyone else, still don’t. How do I get OVER it and get excited to experience something mutually rewarding?
It is very sad that he dragged this out for 3 years but now that you see him for what he is I hope that you move on. I am have a similar situation which has gone on for over 10 years the difference is that I never lived with her I still love her very much but realize that she will not make the effort to be with me on shared terms. She also is addicted to “new ” love (really is just lust)and has been with many other people over the years that I have known her. Getting over it for some of us doesn’t happen easily. It still hurts but staying away from her or him is the best medicine. I still love her always will and wish her the best in life as long as that doesn’t include me.
This is happening to me as well. The only thing that I can think that has precipitated it is that I’m recently had a lot of pressures piling up. While I’m normally cheerful and optimistic, I’ve been quite down. He started getting busier and busier and now he’s avoiding me with almost no contact for the first time ever in our relationship. I can’t express how much this hurts at a time like this. I know some men have grave deficiencies in being able to communicate but this is so far from acceptable. I’m hurt, angry and sad. Whether it is his intention to end things or not, it’s definitely mine. I can’t imagine a future or family with someone who would say that he knows I need him to be there and proceed to completely shut down. It scares me to think how he would react to even the small difficulties that life throws our way.
Guess we’re supposed to be bubbly barbies – to keep their attraction. BUT, not being there for us when we need them sure kills our attraction to THEM. Or you’d think…
Yes it’s true…and this ties in with another article I read recently on this site; “Why Some Men Run Hot and Cold”. Read it and keep the faith, there is someone out there who will appreciate you and value you for all that you are. You deserve that! Everyone does
Wish we could ‘LIKE’ your comment
Let me just say, everyone does not have the same reason. I walked away from my childhood girlfriend (whom I never dated, as an adult) to reflect my emotions, my guilt on religious actions and Our long term goal. She was my dream girl in my minds eye. It turned out, she was a user, manizer like the woman I seprationed from. Sometimes, you just got to give people their space. If it is ment to be, it will be. I have not dated since and trust G_d to select my mate. I have made bad choces all by myself. I now trust where cometh my streight! Jus sayin kj
Perfect Kenneth!
I’m slightly in this situation as well. Whenever my bf leaves for a work trip or vacation he stops contacting me. He will be gone for a week and never call. Yes, he texts, but that’s really not the same thing. Then when I call him on his lack of communication he yells at me and I end up apologizing somehow. Am I the one being the idiot? I think I answered my own question. How much room are wee supposed to give?
I would end it the first time he yelled at you should have been a red flag you do not deserve to be treated like that and no amount of apologizing can take away the fact that he can’t control himself and act like an adult.
I have expienced connecting with someone that I had attended junior high with. He was so into me, it was amazing. He talked about how much he always thought about me. We lived miles away from each other but that didn’t matter. He would fly me to see him or he would come and see me. We had so much fun together. We both loved sports. He sent me at least 40 messages a day telling how he felt about me. One night I couldn’t reach him for the entire night and no call from him. That particular night was a long one. Well guest what? The distance started and he blamed it on his job, stress,
and family problems. My heart was crushed but I found strength to move forward.
Um, so why didn’t she call him? I dated a woman for a year and in that time I was the one always initiating the phone call. One day I ran an experiment and stopped calling to see if she would initiate a call to me. I’m still waiting. I’m sure she was left asking what she did wrong, why he’s suddenly so distant, did he meet someone else, blah blah. No, no and no. I waited two months and moved on. Thankfully, I’m in a better relationship today with a woman who’s more communicative.
This happened to me after a 3 year relationship with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I had no idea and boom, he decided he needed to step back. And then it took all summer of hot and cold for him to actually say the words, its over. I knew in my gut a lot earlier and should have said to his face, “You don’t love me anymore do you?” But I was so afraid to lose him. But ultimately, I did. So trust your gut and confront the person. It’s been 3 years and I am only just getting over him. “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger”. That is my new motto!
Three year relationship, and three years to get over him? Oh, man, I don’t want to hurt for THREE YEARS! My story sounds just like yours. NEVER knew what it was like to love someone so much and have them leave me. How do you get your self-esteem back after being rejected by the love of YOUR life?
You have to realize that it IS him with the problem HE left you because he lusts after new love it is an addiction that he will have to deal with you are collateral damages that he doesn’t care about not just you but every person he has done this to you are not damaged goods he is, not that what I am saying will stop the pain and it isn’t possible to stop loving someone unless you never truely loved them to begin with. The length of time it takes you to get over him depends on you accepting that you did everything you could and then some and realizing that no matter what you give he isnt emotionally mature enough to appreciate it.
April – I don’t know how old you are but if you are young, you have the time. And I always look on that relationship as finally knowing what love was about – I will never accept anything less again. And believe me, I have been in some bad relationships. Time will heal you. Try to live your life, know that it isn’t you and do the things you like to do. Someone on a post said she looks for her lost love’s good qualities in the next person. I don’t regret that relationship. I kind of hold on to it as something that was good, but wasn’t meant to be. And you have a daughter – kids are amazing in their resilience. She’ll help. Good luck, girlfriend.
April,
I just want to say, if the person left and didnt see all of you and what you had to offer, its possible he was not the love of your life and maybe he needed to leave to make room for the one who actually is…I dont know if this will help…but the time I have been deeply hurt, to get over him, I put away or got rid all of things that reminded me of him until I could deal with it a little better…you are still in the middle of the emotion right now and it doesnt help to have the constrant reminders. I stopped talking about him or rationalizing why he did what he did because that keeps him there. His actions were not against you and you cant internalize it as though you should have done something better or you could have done something better. Try to think of it as he did you a favor by making way for the one who will be the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE and thank him for it.
I have done the same thing in the past.. assume it is something I have or haven’t done during the relationship. It took me a long time to realize you don’t always have closure, let alone an honest conversation regarding the reason for the distance. Following your gut and not obsessing over why is the best advice I have ever gotten!!
We all know its an issue, which the article clarifies but I didn’t see anything on the “what to do” part, maybe I’m missing something, pulled up on smartphone
This very thing happened to me while dating a guy approx. one and a half years. I had a bad feeling about it and came to find out that he had picked up another woman and took her out a few times that week! When I caught him, he apologized and just said it was cold feet…but found out that this is his style. I a ended the relationship, thankfully, and he has done this to a few other women! Can we say “CHARACTER FLAW”!!
I dated my boyfriend for a year an a half and things were going great. Out of the blue, he tells me that he wants to take a “break” because he doesn’t know if he’s ready for more committment (marriage). In my opinion, that just means he’s definitely not ready, but he doesnt want to totally lose his shot with me “just in case” he figures things out… I feel like I’m on the back burner. It definitely hurts, but this whole “trust your gut” thing kind of has me thinking maybe he’s not ever going to fall in love with me (and also questioning whether I am really in love with him). Any thoughts?
This sure hits home with me! When I felt the gentlemen I was seeing, started to become distant, I met with him for a “reality” check. We agrred to be very open and honest with each other from the beginning. Or so I thought. He assured me eveything was great ‘just busy’ with work. Turns out he was married and playing the field when she was out of town. There were few red flags that I ignored and shouldn’t have. Listen to your gut, and maaybe a background check wouldn’t hurt. Life goes on. Keep smiling!
wow, that one sounds like a Cheaters episode!
As far as “what to do” – when he seems distant, give him space. If he comes to you, great… if he doesn’t you have your answer. Don’t linger and don’t be bitter. Lifes too short to hang on to a man who isn’t sure what he wants or who isn’t strong enough to be honest with you. Be sure to let him know YOU’RE ending it and move on. Hold your head up high. Never accept less than what you’re comfortable with.
3 years of painful relationship were the longest for you? I really don’t want to talk about mine, just want to suffer it myself. But to let you all know how fortunate you are and still alot better than me. So please feel lucky after hearing this and I’ll always pray for all of you.
How about 16 years in hell? 16 years of your wasted young and precious life since I was 21, naive and did not know any better. I was pursued so relentlessly and gave in because everyone knows that I have a very caring heart and feeling bad for people. I love so much, so deep and I trust so much to a fault….to lose my life to someone you gave your everything and your life to….only to be betrayed in the worst way is something that nobody in this world can ever fathom and make sense out of! You probably will never understand this excruciating pain unless you experience this situation. I was lied to about his age (he is actually 25 years older than me). He said he was divorced, he wasn’t. Over the years, found out he has been married 5 times, with at least 5 kids we know of so far with all 5 different women.
He always blame every woman for the failed marriage….now it’s me I have heard from the neighbors’rumors. How devastating, to say the least!! He beats me up many times, pulling a knife on me almost every night and threatened to kill me and noone will ever know about it. He’s an alcoholic and such a playboy, womanizer in front of me everywhere. I am 95 lbs and he always call me fat and old. Having a very blessed 8 yrs old son, I don’t think I have let myself go that bad from 85 lbs?
We’ve been thrown on the street so heartlessly with nothing and didn’t even care! Wow! Is that even human or what?
Why do loving and caring women like us have to be abused so badly like this? I accept all my faults and blames and everything else, but nothing was enough. I’ve gone out of my way to do more than what I can do and beyond what asked of me, but still nothing was ever enough or right. How could something so evil, inhuman and heartless like this is being allowed to roam this earth, dear God??
I’m devastated beyond words and understanding. There’s so much that I can’t even express it all…..I can barely breath every second of my life now. Loving this life and my little amazing son too much for me to end this life so my heart can never be crused this way again.
A very heavy heart…
Maybe she could have contacted him….OR MAYBE HE’S A MAN. and does what he likes and isn’t whipped into submission by women.
Ladies, ladies…do yourself a favour…read Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. Also a good read Christian Carter. Guys will sometimes give you the cold shoulder, that is what they do, that is what they need, if you push to talk to him you will find out quickly it is a recipe for disaster…If he doesn’t call, go out, do stuff with your friends, he will be in contact before you know it.
Wow, never knew people had these problems. I would like to say i feel the opposite. I’m doing all the right things, however my mate pushes away from me after i make her dinner, and i wanna cuddle on the couch, she said don’t touch her. I was so turned off, i guess she was super stressed from a new job she didnt want, so she said she wanted to be left alone. I asked if she would like me to leave, but she told me no. I treat her with so much respect, i do so much for her, we go to dinners, movies, go out dancing, i rub her feet, tell her how good looking she is, man what gives?
Red flag!!! After dating for two years in a committed relationship, there should never be a week that goes by without contact unless the person has a reason (such as jury duty) where they are not available. And it should be discussed and clear in advance. If this happens, and it is ‘life circumstances’, then perhaps this is a real red flag. Perhaps the partner is not getting what they need out of the relationship. People change, and this could be a warning sign. I think you really need to trust your gut here.
BN, she has an issue inside. Not your issue. Explain to her your thought, if she doesn’t get it, move on.
Great advice!!!…
For the first time in my life I’m experiencing the same thing!!…I met her in November and we saw eachother three days a week… And talked almost 5 hours a day(wow).. Lol…
And now for the past 4 weeks I’ve seen her 3 times.. And spoke four days a week.. About 3-4 mins a day..
What’s up with that???..
I’ve been over the top nice..
I ve taken her to so many places she’s never been..
Flowers candy, and tons of respect and kindness….
She’s from a small town.. I’m a city kind of guy…
I’m a tall and fit guy 50 years old.. So I don’t think it’s looks???
She tells me that she’s just scared and stressed out from work… and just needs time to think!!.
Am I a fool to keep trying??
I agree you should listen to your gut. My boyfriend used to call me everyday and made sure he said good night to me everyday. Now, I will call and he texts back. He doesn’t speak to me on a daily basis or even text me good night if I text him. He says he is stressed. Well I’m stressed because I feel that we are adults we should talk about it. Recently, I told him we are at a stand still. We have to move forward together or apart. You a good guy and I’m a good girl, we just might not be good together.
I dont let it get that far…anymore. I had an ex that I was HEAD OVER HEELS FOR that did that to me.
I finally realized that going a week without contact is a non-verbal message saying ‘Im not thinking of you for even one second in the past 604800 seconds?’ or ‘I have thought of you but you are so insignificant to me that I can’t be bothered to reach out.’ It hurts.
No amount of excuses can explain why you didn’t contact me, (or respond) in an entire week. Even if you work two jobs, coach a little league game and volunteer double shift, it doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re not multitasking all day long and there are 24 hours in a day and if you can’t dial my number while you are taking a dump and say hey just wanted to let you know I haven’t forgotten about you, but we’ll catch up.” then you are LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH. Because I have a life too and I will always find a moment to contact you. That said, I realized I was getting screwed and moved on.
Someone said why not call him? Usually when someone goes cold turkey, the ‘abandoned’ one has realized that the relationship is already at a rocky status (with u having a gut feeling that somethings changing) and the problem is the last thing you hear from him is ‘I’ll call u back’.
Or he is the one who tweaked ‘the pattern’ of the relationship. ex. He calls u at night and you call him every morning (its just ur thing), then he stops the pattern of it and gives no reasons for doing so, so it makes it hard to reach out to that person bc u fear rejection bc if he wanted to call he would have done so. It’s not in our heads, he definitely has already distanced himself and the balls in his court.
Back to the point, Whenever he goes a day with ‘minimum contact’, I call him on it. He used to call me several times a day, even after we moved in together and sneak a break at work to hear my voice. Then it kind of gradually mellowed out. He stopped calling me when he arrived at work and would call me the last 3 mins of his lunch break. He claims he didn’t get a lunch or he was doing something. I didn’t make a big deal out of the no-morning calls or break calls because the relationship isn’t new anymore and it’s ok but once he called me for 30 seconds and said I’ll call u right back. The next time I heard his voice, he was coming in the door. You lie about calling me back and then from that point until the time you get home, I don’t cross your mind?
This is how I take it: You are either spending time with (talking with) someone else or you are thinking of someone else.
I had bad gut feelings so I called him on it. Told him lately you’ve been forgetting about me. What’s new at work? What’s changed where you no longer want to call me in your free time? He said he was busy and so I asked for details. He couldn’t come up with anything except he had a short lunch break and couldn’t remember why he didn’t call me after work. I didn’t buy his bs so I just asked ‘are you spending your time with another woman? Is there someone else you prefer talking to?’ in a very calm voice. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe I would think that. But I stood my ground. He denied it really weakly so I couldn’t judge if he was being honest, so I just told him ‘if you are I hope she’s worth it because you already know where I stand on that issue’.
I love him but I will not stand for it. IMO, women who accept that kind of behavior end up getting mistreated, abused and taken for granted and same goes for men too.
The next week he was back to normal but I’m no dummy, he might just be playing the good boy and falling in love with some other woman. So, If he does it again, I’ll just have to randomly pop up on his job one day… or maybe just give him a dose of his own medicine.