I was just reading about a struggling single woman on our site, who was dating a guy for about 6 months, realized that it wasn’t going to turn into something more, and they split.
The relationship she described screamed “red flags” at almost every turn. He had met all of her friends and family, but he kept her away from his. (If that isn’t a sign he isn’t serious about you, I don’t know what is.)
When it came to “talk,” he was great – but never followed through with any actions.
He would be open/affectionate with her when they were away together, but as soon as they returned to town he would go back to his uptight self.
He was also rarely available and wouldn’t move plans to accommodate her.
Fortunately, she did see the light and they decided to part ways. Her question now (6 months later) … is should she contact him to get some closure? She is still having trouble getting over the relationship.
I think you know what my answer will be … a huge, giant, flashing N-O-O-O! She has been on such a great path of trying to get on with her life, exercising, dating – I would encourage her to not go backwards and open that door. It will very likely be painful and lead nowhere.
He has not contacted her once since the split – and that speaks volumes.
I think sometimes we get stuck on the one that got away, especially in this case because she never felt like she really “had him” 100%. As hard as it is, we all have to realize that it just isn’t about us and any shortcomings that we have – but rather their issues. He obviously had other things going on behind the scenes and wasn’t available. Case closed.
If only it were that easy!? My hope for her is that she stays away – and the feelings will eventually fade. I can guarantee that.
What would your advice be to her?
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For some reason when we loose something and it’s an easy break.. we want to find out why.. why was it so easy. why do I feel insulted by his immediate ability to with drawl from me? Maybe I was wrong.. Maybe I should get in touch with him to see if I was wrong.. Maybe something I did made him not accomidate me…I don’t want something I did wrong to hold me back from my next relationship.. BUZZER sound. A very admirable concern.. But. your friend needs to let whatever force or higher power lead her. By the sounds of it he was an easy go and let the boat sail! Not the first or last!
Discreetly find out is he is married/in another relationship.
Lou – are you a professional retard or just playing one on this website?? Why bother finding out anything?? I fear that this is “Stalker Advice” and should warn women to watch out for You.
Admittedly – I reacted the same way as the man in the story to at least one woman I ‘dated’ and can say with all authority – NO way I was ‘into her’ and the relationship was not going to go anywhere. The relationship ended and we were both happier for it.
Been there, done that. He tried to walk away when I found out I was pregnant. Turned out the woman he was calling his mother was his wife and he was doing his best to be ‘supportive’ to me without letting his wife know. One day I finally had enough and went to talk to his ‘mother’ why she wouldn’t let him go and found she was his wife…it ended with a restraining order against him for me and divorce for them which left him on the streets. I had to get a new car, move, cut my hair…it is NEVER a good idea to try to go back, NEVER! Let it go and move on, it was the hardest thing I had to do and even more complicated that I’m now a single mother because of it…!
Just went through that myself. One day everything was amazing – as expressed by both of us. The next she’s gone. I’d like to know what in the world happened. Just took a card and flowers to her office without sticking around to see her so as not to crowd her. Don’t know if I’ll hear back, but I at least feel better making the effort than I was feeling before I decided to make that effort. Its in God’s hands – but I’d sure like to know what happened!
I just went thru that, too, Jeff! We shared a lot online and on the phone, both feeling connections. But she admitted she had trust issues from past experiences, and our two hour distance was too much to get to know each other well. After a friendly phone call, she brought it to a close and we said we wish each other the best. I felt like a good one got away, but I really think it’s for the best.
That happened to me too, 2 days ago I called this person I had dated for about 8 months to follow up as he stopped calling for 3 weeks; which was a little odd for me as we had a pretty good communication. He told me on the phone that we got to talk, that something had come out; said that he has been emailing with a 23 YO he was involved with almost two years ago; he said that this has been happening for about two months and he wanted to give it a chance. He is 46 and I m 35. I was devastated as I thought things were great with us; but I realized for about 2 months he appeared more indifferent with me, not as considerate as before. Now, I have a very difficult time to let this go. I even told him to bring me my stuff I had left in his house. I think the 23 year old is true and is also an excuse for him to get away from the relationship. He told me on the phone he was sorry, but it was better to end it now than later, he said he knew I expected more and that he was not good for me. He said that I should see other guys and that he did not want to tight me along to the other relationship and that I had done nothing wrong, that doesnt not what had happened, that maybe it was too much too soon, I m just thinking in all the errors I made being too available, too there when he wanted; asking about our relationship often; he probably got bored. At the end he said I did not anything wrong and that it was time for us to move on. I wish it was that easy. He said he will come in 2 weeks to bring my things, what should I do, tell him to forget about it, maybe ask him to send them in the mail?
Wow, just 2 hrs? I live in Fl and dating someone from Chicago…she should’ve given it a chance.
I was dating this girl for about 6 months. And things were going great. She told me that she knew that I was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. So I let her into my life fully. And she moved in to my house and we bought a puppy. Well one day she went and hung out with a friend, atleast she said. And when she got back she said we needed to talk. Well she made up some excuse that she was moving to Florida to pursue a dancing career and I offered to move with her. She said it wouldn’t be fair to me. The following monday she was already back with her Ex. I don’t understand what I did wrong that things could change that fast. But it’s been devastating trying to get over her.
This response is for Paulina.Let him go. Please do it for yourself. You may need a closure, but he is not interested in you and he is trying to tell you in a nice way. You can ask him why if you think understanding more will help, but you know in your heart when someone is not telling the whole truth. I think you just don’t float his boat and he has moved on. Truthfully, the 23 YO will probably not work for him if that will make you feel better. I think the age difference is much too large. View other prospects and get yourself moving again. I made it through one, you will too. Keep your chin up.
Same thing just happened to me…on the date you posted this: New Years Eve. So, did anything happen after sending the flowers? Thanks.
Ed, I don’t know your exact situation but go ahead, send the flowers and put it in God’s hands. It will make you feel better. Just let her make the next move from there, if any. Any more might be too much.
She should move on and forget him completely. Life is so great and there are so many interesting men around. She should just start dating someone else, find a hobby etc, so there will be no time to think of that guy
That happened to me too, 2 days ago I called this person I had dated for about 8 months to follow up as he stopped calling for 3 weeks; which was a little odd for me as we had a pretty good communication. He told me on the phone that we got to talk, that something had come out; said that he has been emailing with a 23 YO he was involved with almost two years ago; he said that this has been happening for about two months and he wanted to give it a chance. He is 46 and I m 35. I was devastated as I thought things were great with us; but I realized for about 2 months he appeared more indifferent with me, not as considerate as before. Now, I have a very difficult time to let this go. I even told him to bring me my stuff I had left in his house. I think the 23 year old is true and is also an excuse for him to get away from the relationship. He told me on the phone he was sorry, but it was better to end it now than later, he said he knew I expected more and that he was not good for me. He said that I should see other guys and that he did not want to tight me along to the other relationship and that I had done nothing wrong, that he does not know what had happened, that maybe it was too much too soon, I m just thinking in all the errors I made being too available, too there when he wanted; asking about our relationship often; he probably got bored. At the end he said I did not anything wrong and that it was time for us to move on. I wish it was that easy. He said he will come in 2 weeks to bring my things, what should I do, tell him to forget about it, maybe ask him to send them in the mail?
Paulina, You’ve presented some very clear facts that I feel are important to point out. First, let’s cover the fact that women develop both physically and emotionally more quickly than men; and, they develop differently. Since the time you were about 11 years old you’ve been about 2.5 years ahead of any male around your age. Some of this emotional development for men doesn’t begin to catch up with women until about the age of 35 – 40 years old. That doesn’t mean they’re aren’t able to function in life as responsible and mature adults, it just means that they function differently and compensate – depending on what kind of role modeling was present as they were growing up. Now, this man is 10 years older and well into his 40s. If you compensate for being a little behind in his emotional maturity he’d probably be functioning at around age 38 – 45. Yet, you’ve stated that he has decided to resume a relationship with a 23 year old woman that he knew 2 years ago. This means that 2 years ago she would have been 21 and barely considered a legal adult in any part of this country. He would have been 44 years of age and still in an age bracket where he would be considered “approaching middle age.” Even at my age (I’m in my late-40s and a widow for two years) I am considered to be a little more open and broadminded than most women my age. Yet, I would need to carefully consider becoming involved with a man 1/2 my age because my frame of reference and my perspective of the world is very, very different than someone who is so much younger. Certainly, it is not easy to take a step back and think with your head instead of your heart. This is always difficult for me and yet, later, after I’ve done so, it all makes more sense. Best wishes to you.
And, by the way, Paulina, I can’t see that you’ve done anything “wrong” or differently than anyone else who has an open and loving heart that is capable of connecting with another human being. Anyone at this age pretty much knows what it takes and how to conduct themselves in a relationship. So, stop taking those “relationship info-mercial emails” so seriously. (Those have good advice, but for the next few weeks, archive that stuff and stop trying to figure out how this happened.) Figure out if you really need all your belongings returned to you. If you don’t, then let them go. If you want them back or need them back, ask a friend to pick them up for you or to help you stay accountable if you decide to have them dropped off. Take time to decide what it is you really want – your belongings or to see him? You’re vulnerable right now so take care of yourself and give yourself some time and space, allow yourself to do nothing if that’s what you want. Yesterday it was all about both of you because you were in a relationship. Today, it’s all about you, because you’re not with him anymore. Six months ago when my fiance walked out and didn’t return without a word I was still waiting for my new job to start and for my first paycheck. Suddenly, I didn’t have the money to pay the rent which was due in two weeks and my position didn’t start until a month later. My best friend, Ron, suggested I return the new expensive TV, the new furniture and some of the stuff we’d purchased for our new home together. I was indignant. How could I possibly do that – these were “our” belongings? Ron gently pointed out to me “honey, he just walked out without considering how you’re going to pay for your new home that you love so much…” That’s when I saw the reality of the situation. I returned a few items and miraculously the rent payment suddenly appeared. J.L., never did. And, a month later, I started my new job and I six months later, I’m still living in this home that I love so much. And, I have the furniture back and all the other stuff I returned. I don’t have the TV because I don’t really watch TV. The point is that what my best friend said was true – yesterday was about “us” and today, it’s about me. Today, needs to be about you, too, Paulina.
would it be possible to remain friends after ending the relationship?
Don’t try to be friends. A clean break is what’s necessary, IMO. If you work together, have a lot of mutual friends or have a child together perhaps there’s some merit in remaining civil but the no contact rule is best. Have been there. : )
Just friends never worked for me. I think it was an attempt to hang to some good in the relationship. Too awkward. What happens when he meets someone new? Then what. Better to let him go completely. Time heals what reason cannot. We don’t always get the closure or answers we want.
Paulina,
See my response above (just below John)to you. Let it go.
I think the most hurtful is that he is leaving me for a 23 year old. I m 36, I think it would have been less hurtful if he had said that he needed space or just like he said, it was maybe “too much too soon”. I get it, we get overwhelmed sometimes and do not say anything to not hurt the other person, but telling me that he has been e mailing with this 23 year old and that he wanted to start a relationship with her now that she was divorced?? He is 46..is this like normal?? When we first met and he told me about her, he said she was crazy, that she was married when they were having sex, that the sex was great and that she was pregnant from her husband when they stopped seeing each other.. and now after 8 months with me, he says she has been contacting him, that she is divorced now and that he wants to be with her…I feel so old, so humiliated, so disappointed, so betrayed. I admired him so much and this has been like a punch in the stomach, I feel like used. Yes, I saw red flags, but did not want to pay attention as I felt cared for and loved…I hope he is happy though, it just makes me so sick.. so upset to think they are together..I know I should not have these feelings, he was wonderful the first 6 months..I think I will miss him for a while. I was excited thinking we would have our first Christmas and NY Eve together, we did not make it that far..Oh well, I have to start moving on..Thanks everybody!
You want to go back and fix it. There are regrets, but these are not good feelings. They are about unmet needs. You need to find some one who will meet your needs. Don’t chase him. He never filled them.
It’s never easy when one person loves the “right” way, yet it is wasted on a person who is not capable of matching that love. I think it is so important for people to realize that we are all made up of different things….come from different backrounds….and have different baggage. I hope, with the utmost sincerity, that this woman meets a man who complements her with the same characteristics that she possesses. Mutual love between two people is special and rare, but when it happens, we all need to seize the moment and never look back. I wish this for her. It sounds like she deserves a good man.
She should try her best to stay away. If she contacts him, she could be very hurt by his reaction, or non-reaction. If he has not contacted her, that should speak volumes. If he wanted to be in contact with her, he could tell her that.
Sounds familiar…… after a year of the not meeting the kids…not being invited over to his house etc….. but he has been to mine …… not going anywhere in public since we have been involved (previously we have done things together I have known him for 5 yrs) he insits he is not married….. i have asked several times. After we spent the night together and not just a few hours of the night he became distant from me….. I know its time for me to cut my losses but it is not easy.
Cutting your losses would be wise. Not going anywhere in public and not meeting the kids are big hints that he is not the one for you. It is good that you can see this.
Spent over 14 months patiently waiting for a man to get thru his divorce, Waited and waited–postponed and canceled weekend get togetheres, etc.–one excuse after another. Brought hin into my family, friends, etc when he did visit me, went on a weekend trip with me to a conference for my birthday early Dec,, then got “dumped ” 12 days before Christmas. Sad because we had been long distance friends for over 6 years prior. Not only lost who I though was my potential mate for life, but also my friend. i miss the the friend part the most. Lesson learned:DONT DATE YOUR FRIENDS!
I cannot agree more. I always say that Stalin had nothing on me as far as “scorched earth” policies go. I get rid of any & all traces of him, never return to places that we frequented together, never go near places where he might be, eliminate all reminders of him, distance myself from shared acquiantances. I never call or email him, block him on emails, social media, phones (where possible) and have caller ID do the rest. The only thing I allow myself is to write letters, long, detailed, gruesomely intimate and involved letters where I pour out everything I’m thinking, feeling, wanting… and then I burn or shred or flush–or all of the above–these letters. Therapeutic, like nothing else.
Stay strong and let her go. Don’t chase her . I experienced that two years ago. It turned out for the best. My life has never been better! I graduate from Ucla in March and got into a top Graduate school. I have accomlished so much since we stopped speaking. Everything happens for a reason. If you were meant to be your paths with cross. CAnn
I would tell this person that if she really feels she needs to speak with him in order to get closure, and she accepts that this may very well mean lots of emotional hurt for her, then go for it. But if she values not getting hurt more than she values this conversation, then she shouldn’t pursue it. And, if she does talk to this dude, she should be aware that he may not even tell her the truth!
She should forget that guy, he is just not into her!
She should ask herself this question “why is he not contacting her since the split”.
She will eventually find the one for her.
Ok, so what do you do when HE makes the contact? I spent 4 heartbroken months working through the breakup. From the moment I met him, I thought he was “the one.” Though he was not in another relationship, he also became distant and increasingly guarded over the course of our 8 month relationship. I broke it off, wanting more than he could give. 4 months later, he contacts me… What now?
Going back is usually not a good idea. They’ve proved themselves to be unreliable, and it’s hard to get over the history you’ve already established.
I had a similar and painful experience, when I thought everything was going so well he started to became more and more distant, I asked what happened and he got mad and broke the relationship saying the “is not you is me” speech. I was heartbroken, but after less than a week he started contacting me again, he said he miss me and of course I still loved him. Then he became distant again and when I asked why he said he was scared. I decided to break up and ask him to not contact again. Two months later he was back again saying he didn’t want to lose me… I was a fool and went back… long story short he keep this sick cycle for six or seven more months… coming and going. I’m trying to stay strong this time (2 months and counting) and not contact him
Jackie,
For the most part I agree with Kathy. However, if you are interested, take the time to listen and you will determine if he is being candid. Don’t be tempted to over fantasize about what COULD BE. Only deal with the reality. Trust yourself!
Jackie, keep your guard up & your distance! I let a man like that back into my life after a year had passed & I thought I was over it & we could just be friends. The relationship quickly returned to the exact same funk you just described. He kept saying he wasn’t ready for commitment right up until the day he moved in with another woman & started calling her his girlfriend. It was humiliating & devastating! Don’t put yourself through it. You (& I) deserve better!
After many years of suffering and tears I have finally learned the hard way that when a relationship ends you walk away and there should be no contact at all after that.
It is much easier to get over the over person and to let go and move on.
It it far less cruel to both parties concerned than going the fizzle-out mixed messages route.
My Ex-boyfriend came to realise that he loves me and can’t live without me. It’s amazing how “the contact rule” changed him. All of a sudden he knows how to be romantic, how to make sure that I know what and how he feels, he cares about what he does and says and he does not take me for granted like he used to.
I made it clear that the moment I sense that he is not into me I will just leave. I am not going to look after the relationship and force it to work, he needs to make sure we stay together.
I lost very good boyfriends over the past 20 years because I did not apply the no contact rule. I was forever confused.
Ha! Been there done that.. Just that I stuck on to the relationship for almost 2 years hoping that it would get better and it never did. I loved him and did everything possible in my capacity to make him happy and ensure he has a better future… however he on the other hand was playing games all along… was never introduced to a single friend of his and his hot cold behavior never changed… when he wanted, he was always there for me… when i wanted, i was expecting too much!
Not sure what dawned on me but one fine day he stopped calling and so did I.. no fights or arguments, in fact we had had an awesome wknd together… but i decided its time to stop the chase and see if he really wants to be with me… he never did…
even after 6 months, i still think of him every single day and want to call him and go back because I know he will take me back but is it worth it? do we deserve that kind of treatment… remind yourself of this every time you think of calling/ reaching out and life/ time helps you heal even if its a step at a time…
I noticed that a lot of responses are others who have been in similar situations. While, the “no-contact” method they chose worked for them, it may not work for you. At the end of the day, it’s about you and only you. You can chose bitterness or forgiveness.
There is always this strong stress towards the future and pushing forward, but sometimes we have to take a few steps back so we can indeed move forward. The fact that you are still having a hard time getting over the relationship is weighing on you, not on him.
No one can tell you the *right* choice to, what you need to close the book is different than what others need to close it. You have to decide what you need, independently of others.
Remember, everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose!
As others post, the “closure” your looking for is to find out why it did work, but truly you already have the answer. The evidence is clear, he was involves with someone else. The fact that he has not contacted you is also clear evidence that he is not willing to commit to you. These are his issues not yours. He was not honest with you… Ask yourself is this really a person you want to be involved with? Someone who isnt upfront? Someone who cant commit?
Again, I think you already have that answer, you did break it off.
My advice would be to start forgiving him for not being the person you wanted him to be. And reminding yourself that HIS issues are not reflection on how worthy you are of love and committment. And love yourself enough to keep dating until you find a man who is worthy of you and who will recognize all the wonderful things you have to offer. Never accept less or settle.
To do this I say take 2-3 off from dating completely. Get a journal and every night (or day), write yourself a note to this effect: “I forgive HIM, for not being the man I wanted him to be, I love myself and I deserve to have all I wish for in a partner.”
WRITE the statement 15 times a day everyday for at least 2 weeks. Also start a list of what you DO seek in a partner… Get as detailed as you can, from emotional availability to the color of his eyes. Keep that list going until you have a very detailed idea of what you want! Then you’ll be ready to go shopping!
Good Luck and Blessings
Been here done this. I was dating a guy for three years (We had actually been living together for around 2.5 years of it) and everything was great! Things were a little stressed becuase we both lost our jobs near the beginning of the year, but we were making ends meet, both doing temp jobs, and I was doing freelance work, we had money to pay bills and go do things. That was the beginning of the year, then, all of a sudden around October of that year, things changed. He started stying out at the dojo later and later, Christmas cam, and we went to my parents in NC for the holiday. He was jerk, made the whole visit miserable. We discussed it when we got home, and supposedly had solved the issue, then in early February I went to visit a friend for a few weeks, while I was gone, he texted me that he was moving at the end of the month, and I would have to find something to do. Oh, we could still be friends, but he was at a different point in his life now.
It has been two years, and I still miss him everyday, pathetic right? I have been tempted to contact him so many times, find out what the hell happened, but I know that it is a bad idea, and I have been forcing myself to let it go. What’s sad, is that I miss the relationship yes, but I miss my friend more.
Tracie,
Sorry about your hurt. Hope it passes soon.
I just broke the rule then. I made contact because we ran into each other in a restaurant. I did walk past him, but once he recognized I was there he made a scene. And I ignored his antics… I wanted to let him know that it wasnt ok to act like a child. And I won’t be so tolerant if it happens again. And I’m wrong for that? We don’t live in a small town but it is what it is… I’m glad I got to see his ” true self.” and boy is it ugly!
If that happens again, or for anyone else, NEVER tolerate scenes like that in a public place. Tell the manager or whomever is in charge. Most often, the offending party will be asked, politely and quietly, to leave. If not, it’s not worth it. You leave and if it happens again – dial the non-emergency police dispatch and ask for intervention – this way you don’t become part of the scene. Don’t ever feel you have to let someone get away with that kind of behaviour. There are reasonable and civilized ways to get your message across loud and clear, without being offensive.
Never allow someone who treats you like “#2″ to hold the place reserved for “#1″ in your life. Don’t let him/her take up valuable space, time, thoughts or efforts that you would give to someone who’s more committed. I’ve learned that men are creatures of action. If he’s not putting in the effort, he’s just not that interested or you’re not the only one he’s dating. What you see while you’re dating is what you get if you guys become more serious. Move on! There are plenty more fish in the eHarmony sea!
I just went through a very painful fizzling out of a relationship in November also. Very difficult as it started out with him treating me like I was the most beautiful and desirable woman in the world at first but then just slowly disappeared. I discovered he was still on the dating website the whole time and was dating someone else. I have cut off all contact for the past two months but it has not been easy. She should remind herself it is natural and human to have the feelings she is having. She should also remind herself that the minute he stopped being invested in the relationship is the moment when he ceased to be the right one for her. And the right one is out there. I think when you go with the no contact rule, it is a very loving thing you do for yourself and it also gives you some measure of power and self respect back and moves you more quickly to a much happier future. God Bless and hope everyone’s heart on this blog heals soon.
The guy I was seeing for 8 months dissappeared also. Come to find out he asked a girl to marry him a week after he walked out of my house. Now I see him at work occasionally. I’m trying to move on but he’s very friendly, flirts, staires at me with this passion in his eyes. How do I move on when he keeps doing this?
I’m in the SAME situation… its torture. I know that he got back together with his ex, with the intention of marrying her. But he still tries to “chat me up” at meetings. One day I called in sick (mostly to avoid having to see him), and he sent me a text to say that he hopes I feel better. Ugh. Would have been a nice thing to do while we were dating.
After six months you just need to let it go. I went through this too. I flew across the country on New Years to get closure but it was with in the first few weeks of breaking up. I needed to see there was no emotion there. I got what I wanted but it didn’t make it easier. Four days in California crying my eyes out over New Years. A year later I still think about him but I at least know I did what I needed to do. If he hasn’t made any contact in six months he is telling you his answer loud and clear no matter what the questions you might have are.
My husband of 21 years doted on me like I was his bride. He made me feel loved and adored for all of those years. While I was away he looked up his high school girlfriend and she jumped on the bandwagon and he had an affair that I found out about right away upon my return. I kicked his butt out so fast it was smokin! This is now 19 months later and I miss him every minute of everyday. I never saw this coming and feel naive and stupid. He truly did make me feel loved even on skype while I was away. I think it might have been some kind of a mid-life crisis. Anyway, I have the need to send him letters telling him how hurt I am. I tried writing the letters and not sending them but it never helped. I feel silly when I send them but better some how. I know I need to stop and after reading all the other blogs I feel stronger about stopping. I hope I can. I don’t want a cheater back I just want to feel less sad.
I think women have the more difficult time with the ‘no contact’ rule. We’re more in touch with our emotions – that’s just how we’re made. If a man has treated you less than what you deserve, no matter how CURIOUS you are about what went wrong, or what happened, we just have to let go. A friend once said to me..
ONe needs to move forward with their life. just like driving, you have to look out the front windshield and see where you’re going. the rearview mirror is there – 1/50th the size of the big windshield. If we keep looking through it, and we can’t drive forward we’re likely to get in an accident. But we still need to check every the rearvview once in a while. To see what we’ve left behind.
I should see the light, but I am too stupid -wasn’t looking for love, but found it or so I thought when one guy stole my heart – long distance relationship as he is in another country at this time and I hear from him one day and then not again for days – what is it going to take for me to wake up and smell the coffee – when he does come on to talk, it always seems to draw me back in and then it’s the same thing all over again – how stupid can one woman be………….
I read all these emails as I am obsessed with a man that was the first man in all the years I have been a widow to make me feel so loved, and so beautiful. He treated me well the whole time we were together. He asked me to marry him. Then there was a crisis in my family that required me to fly home to be with my daughter. Six weeks later I came back to find he was moving to another state. I realized in our phone calls he was growing more distant, but chalked it up to the fact he’d lost his job in this awful economy.
After he moved, he called ME every day to tell me how much he loved me. ????? Came back once for a fabulous weekend. But didn’t want to come back again. So crushed and confused. Finally told him to stop contacting me. But still can’t get over him!!!!! What is the cure?
Get on with your life. You say he loved you and then came back for a great weekend and did not want to come back again. I don’t think he knows what love is. You don’t treat someone you really love like that. There is something he is not telling you. Move on. You deserve much better than this. You need to believe that and not settle.
In this situation, no contact would be best. She spent a lot of time trying and he didn’t reciprocate. Perhaps he has issues, I’ve been there!
It varies situation, to situation. Sometimes timing can play a role in a breakup and no one is at fault. If you enjoyed spending time together and all the parts were there but something timing wise didn’t work out the situation would be worth a revisit.
I was guilty in a past relationship of bringing in old baggage and it resulted in me dumping someone who was perfect for me. I analyzed everything she did and compared it to the woman who caused me severe damage because I never got help for the past relationship hangups. She wasn’t doing anything wrong and I couldn’t get enough of her but for some reason, I blocked her from getting in. She offered to be there for me as a friend but I walked away as I actually thought she was the problem at the time. Once I addressed the issues, I begged for her back and we’ve been together ever since. Sometimes you have to get yourself right first so you don’t miss out on a good thing! This guy may never figure it out and will miss out on a good woman!
It’s nice to hear this from a man who has lived it. I have been though the same type of thing. I believe that this guy I was with felt the same way you did … It ended abruptly and without a real reason. It has been a month and I am still going over the whole thing. I need to be sure that he really truly feels this way so I contacted him and am seing him tonight. It might be painful or it might help me understand what he feels and help me go on. But as you say, we enjoy time together and all the parts were there … Who knows !
For all the people here who are stuck in the whirlwind of thinking it over and over again, listen to yourself. It’s about you and what you need. Dont expect anything but a step closer to getting over it.
I wish warmth and light to all your hearts.
I’m struggling with no-contact as well. REALLY struggling. I met a man while I was on vacation who slowly grew on me because of the way he doted on me and was so sweet & gentlemanly to me. After having been drugged by an old friend a year before and being lied to & taken advantage of by another “friend” who had spent ten years waiting to get into my pants just do he could dip his wick once and then bounce, I has no interest in looking for anyone anymore. But this one grew on me with his sweetness. We spoke every single day for 3 months after I came home from my vacation. We had a small argument in November where he suddenly told me we would not be happy together as a couple but that we will always remain good friends. That was the last thing he ever said to me. He has not said a word to me or acknowledged me in almost 3 months. He has often shown confusion about whether or not we should be together as a couple because of the geographical distance between us, but I guess this time he finally made a decision and is sticking to it. It’s killing me to watch him completely ignore me and not care if I were to suddenly drop dead while still being his usual sweet caring self to everyone else. I’m obviously worth nothing if I’m the only person he is ignoring like that. I guess I wasn’t even worth a simple “Goodbye” to him; he just suddenly went silent on me one day. I’m trying to do the No Contact method in the hopes of eventually getting over him and maybe makinf him miss me eventually, but I’m not doing so well with it.
The temptation to keep reaching out to him as a friend is overwhelming. I miss his company so much!! I’m moving to his area soon to go to graduate school, and I’m curious to see what will happen when we inevitably run into each other. I’ve told him I would like to remain civil with him so that neither of us has to deal with any uncomfort or drama. No response. I guess maybe this will teach me not to let anyone else grow on me ever again. You just can’t trust ANYONE out there, no matter how nice they seem. I’m truly better off alone forever.
I was dating a guy for almost a year. He was a great guy in many ways. Nevertheless, no one is perfect. From the start, he had intimacy issues. There was no hand-holding, no kissing, no hugging, and no cuddling unless I initiated them. He also did not like talking and had difficulty expressing himself. Every time I tried to talk about his past, he avoided the conversation. Yeah – what was I thinking?! We recently returned from a trip to Europe. When we got back, he kissed me good bye and said he will call “tomorrow”. Well, it has been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him. I think it is cowardly and ungentlemanly of him to end things like this. But hey, if he can live with it, so can I. I don’t expect to hear from him and I have no intentions of calling him. I really believe that these things, like nature, are a form of elimination. You really cannot force it. I have been through a divorce and it is better this way. Most of all, I am glad that it was only 1-year and not more time that I have wasted. Now, I can really get on with my life and find someone who deserves me.
Crazy how many of us have gone thru this so recently. I am in the midst of this with someone now. Dating for a month, have met his parents, had plans for future trips, visiting my family, and so on. Everything was great I thought. One little thing happens and bam! We’re done apparently. 2 weeks of not talking.
Friends are all saying to be done, walk away, protect myself. And yet it hurts so much. I stopped for a while, but I texted today to tell him I think he’s worth waiting for and I’m here and so on… I don’t think I’ll hear anything, I don’t understand and it hurts fierce.
But what can I do? I’d say to all of us on here we should all have a get together for drinks. I need one.
Kate, don’t waste your breath. Even if you just want to be there for him as a cool friend, he doesn’t give a rat’s behind. At this point you could suddenly be killed in a car accident and he wouldn’t care in the least bit. I know so because that’s what I’m going through right now. I, too, have told him several times that it would be perfectly fine for us to just be friends if that’s what he wants, because I really do (did) enjoy his company. He was a great person to talk to and get good advice from. Heck, his very last words to me were “You are a dear friend I’ve only known for a moment and hope to know for a lot longer.” HA!! Obviously he didn’t mean a word of that, now did he? “Dear friends” don’t suddenly treat each other as if they don’t exist. I GUARANTEE you right now if something tragic were to happen to me, he wouldnt blink an eye or lose a minute of sleep over it. And I did NOTHING bad to him to deserve him suddenly shutting off his feelings for me like this. At least his ex-girlfriend got a clear answer when they broke up. He flat out told her they were done and he deleted her from his Facebook and even I tagged himself from every photo she had of him. Strangely, he didn’t do any of that with me…even when I TOLD him he was free to delete/block me on Facebook if he wished to. I guess I’m just not worthy enough to be told “we’re done” or even “F–k off and lose my number!” All I got was cold hard silence. Take it from me Kate, he’s not coming back no matter how cool and friendly you try to be towards him. He’s a big freaking baby just like my guy and all the rest of them out there. I’m sorry.
Oh, and did I mention he had a topless photo of me on his cell phone that he took when we were laying in his bed one morning and he doesn’t seem to have gotten rid of it since he walked away from me. I have broken the No Contact rule to ask him to please delete that photo of me since we are not together anymore and to please not show it off to anyone. I told him there is no reason for him to keep a photo of me like that if he can’t stand me anymore and I nicely asked him to please tell me when he has deleted it so that I can move on with no worries. His response? You guessed it–NOTHING!! Total silence as usual!! Seriously, he can’t break his I’m-too-immature-to-speak-to-you-for-any-reason act just to quickly tell me “Yes I deleted it” so I can have some peace of mind?!?! I would bet anything he still has it and has probably shown it to everyone he meets. He hasn’t been able to speak two words to me to tell me it’s gone, so what else would I assume?? He is just absolutely heinous. Even my partner before him who put on a 10 year act pretending to be my friend was brave enough to tell me to “F–k off” in no uncertain terms after he got what he wanted from me. There must be something really WRONG with this one’s head if he can’t utter a word to me for ANY reason at all, no matter how important.
When immersed in a relationship people often get lost and forget to check-in what to do with the ‘red flags’ as they come up. I know we all have red flags and how they are dealt with in the relationship is partly our responsibility. What will be helpful is to stop and think about these red flags, reduce the time spent thinking about the what if’s and needing closure. Closure is a choice you can do on your own. Begin to think about whatever the values that were in question – communication, affection, respect, etc and understand that this is why it did not work. Once I took the time to reflect on the issues, I found peace within myself and got the closure needed to move on. It is helpful to take time and reflect so you will be more skilled when meeting your next partner on how to deal with the flags as they come up.
I dated with him about five months. We were talking everyday at least one to four hours. Suddenly, I did not hear from him for three days, then I called him. He said he will call me next day. No calls from him. I called and left the message,”I closed the match. I never call you again.” He called me three month later, I called him back a month later. He did not even remember who I was. Stupid of me.
If he does not contact you for any reason, then you call/leave a message to finish the business. Do not ask for reason! Do not assume anything!
You finish the business. Simple, when you have time for him, he does not have a time for you. He is not into you.
Please, do not think, “what, if?” He does not deserve your sincere, kind, and genuine heart.
This man sounds very much like someone who is passive-aggressive. He has a deep seeded, subconscious level of unexpressed and unaddressed anger that he has carried into his adulthood. You dated for six months, and there were red flags throughout. Each “red flag” is your own instinct talking to you, saying something just doesn’t feel right. What you gave in the relationship was not reciprocated. AND he was not a man of his words. All that you are left with are questions to ponder, and wonder how things could have went differently. These are all signs of the passive-aggressive man. The No Contact Rule is very applicable here. 6 months is a quite a while, especially when you were an open book to this man, and that honesty was not returned.
I speak from experience where I spent about 11 years of my life w/ 2 different men waiting and wondering the same. Why when I gave, they didn’t return the gesture? I tried to change my perspective, and became more accommodating, however they remained right where they were comfortable. And to this day, I am sure that they are still the same.
I got involved with a man from Atlanta — 11 hours away. ALL the red flags were waving from the very beginning and I realized it was all wrong — but I was crazy about him and my good sense went out the window for a bit. Came to my senses and ended it (whew!). He said he wanted to stay in touch as I was the only life he had outside work. What a crock. He met my friends and my daughter — but despite his having family less than 2 hours away – I never was invited into his life. (Red Flag #17) — but reluctantly I said okay. Red Flag #6 had been his inappropriate behavior towards my 21-year old daughter. When she told me he had FOUND HER ONLINE and contacted her… as in, “If you’re ever in Atlanta….” I ended ALL contact that very night and told him to NEVER contact my daughter or I ever again. Something THAT freaky made it easy to end it with him although I think about him a lot (which I hate) but I would never contact him ever again. When someone isn’t good for you and you can recognize that — score one for you. When you can END it — score one HUNDRED for you! Or, if they end it (and it’s for the best) —- accepting the end is another big score for you. As people who value ourselves, holding out for someone who treats us right — that’s so important. At times, a break up is painful, difficult but we do it anyway. It’s a vote for ourselves. It doesn’t FEEL like strength but it is. NOT being in a bad relationship is good. Doesn’t always feel good… but it is good.
This advice could not be more timely for me, thank you eharmony- it’s like I had a best friend and wise female figure sit me down and say ‘ok this is how it is’- my confidence in my decision to end it and move on is once again built up, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Thanks!
I would advice her to stay away and allow time to heal the wounds. I just recently went through this in December right before Christmas. After two weeks of driving myself crazy blaming myself, asking why, and constantly thinking for an excuse to call him; I decided I had to take control of my life instead of having this situation control it. So I changed my phone number, focused on my job and returned to the hobbies I enjoyed and had discontinued when I had met him. It’s not even the end of January and I don’t remember when I stop thinking about him. It just happened, I am so much happier and everyone around me notices it. Letting go is hard no doubt however, we make it harder by how we allow ourselves to react. Now I see it as my path was cleared so that that special wonderful man can find me and I can actually see him.
I’ve only skimmed through all this information, the hurting, the losing, the betraying. I would not want to be a young person during this time.
Here’s my story. I met my husband in April 1972. We got engaged May 15 and married July 18th. All the same year. We had 2 wonderful boys and when we were on Guam we adopted 3 beautiful girls (all sisters). It was a very interesting life. My husband basically fulfilled all my dreams. I made the mistake of loosing 100 pounds. I looked great and I felt great! I got stronger inside. What I didn’t know is my husband only wanted me as a fat person. To end this story of “constant kitchen passes”, TDYs, girlfriends you name it he decides he can’t live with me. That was at 35 years. We finally divorced at 39 years. He moved away with his “soul mate”.
You try to figure out what went wrong. Nothing from the husband on what’s going on. I heard a few whispers. It seems that he had planned on moving “her” in with us along with her teenage daughter. As strange as it sounds it might have worked if he had been truthful. I’m short and she was tall.
Folks be kind to yourself. Don’t jump in to any situation. Keep communication lines open.
My husband is the only man I have been with. Now I’m not sure if I want anyone else. Lord knows: would they want me? I don’t know. Whether it’s 11 months, 11 years or more or even less. Be truthful. Don’t cheat. If your partner says “we need to help John and Mary get back together” or “Lets help Alicia get out of her bad marriage” DO NOT HELP. Helping can lead to the end of your engagement, marriage, etc.
Good Luck Everyone!
For me, Georgia hit the nail right on the head with the “what if?” question. It’s the same question I have always asked myself when communications ended with dead silence on the other end.
I know in my heart maybe it’s just meant to be and can’t torture myself by second guessing my words or actions. But it’s hard to let go of a possibility, even if that person wasn’t the right person for me.
At 46 (soon to be 47!), I know my first priority has to be me, to continue working on me so I’ll be happy inside. And when I have love for self, someone will come along and feel the same for me, right?
Well, I just don’t want to be 72 years old and finally meet my match in a seniors home. So much for sharing the joys of adventure travel with someone, sharing that special moment in a field of wild flowers, hearing the hiss of the sun as it sinks below the horizon, or getting into an awesome snowball fight! But then again, better late than never is the saying that comes to mind.
I’ll try not to ask the “what if?” question, to let go and make it an experience to learn from. But one last question: Why does meeting the right man have to be so difficult???
Hi my name is Misty, and I’m a loser.
I’m holding on to a jerk who isn’t holding on to me. we work in the same building but we can go weeks without a word or physical contact, then he calls and I turn to mush. Lately, I’m coming around. I don’t initiate any contact anymore. We spoke and I asked if he’s moved on to any of the other women in the office. He tells me he’s checking for someone in particular. I doubt if she’ll take him seriously but you never know, he can be charming…Meanwhile, he wants me to take him out. I said yes, but I plan to be busy.
This is the first time I’ve let my self get so commpletely wrapped in someone else. Ive dated a whoole lot of men but I never let them get under my skin like this one. I usually just bounce back, hop on the A train and be out. I’m contemplating moving just to get my mind right. I’ve allowed myself to become distracted to the point that Im not working up to my potential at the job.
No initiating contact is working wonders for me , I feel more like my self again. I made the mistake of trying to change my self to be more attractive to him. Now I do nothing. Its freeing spiritually just knowing that I don’t have to any special, wonder what he’s thinking about, wonder if he’s okay. I devote my daydreams to pursuit of doing things that I do like. I look forward to doing things by myself as soon as my money gets better.
I console myself knowing that the he’s the next womans problem and now she has to learn her lesson.
Always remember: there is human nature. People try to control it, but many don’t. Many people will LIE rather than just tell the awkward truth of “I’m just not attracted to you anymore.”
So they will lie, or disapear, rather than just be honest and say they are not interested. Sometimes it’s because they dont want to have the confrontation with the “Why? What did I do? I will change” talk. Sometimes it’s because they realize they are jerks and don’t want to admit it.
In anycase, you are not going to avoid the hurt. But if someone is going, or is gone, let them be. Accept that this will hurt. You wont understand, and that is that. Let them go. Be sad and be kind to yourself, and don’t let it drag out on and on.
Then you can move on.
No contact! I went through a breakup 2months ago and keep hoping he will come to his senses and realize how great I was. the reality is that I am better off without him. He was not a nice guy. He left me right before the holidays and my birthday. He just used me and didn’t care. I still think of him but this is a brand new year and an opportunity for a brand new start.
No contact! Sit on your hands if you have to! The feelings will eventually fade and you will never get the closure you want from someone who didn’t really care in the first place.
The easiest and best thing to do is not to date!It took me nearly 30 yrs to learn this, but since that time, I have been happier!
Leave it be…You are better off and know deep within your self that what you did was right for you. Now look forward and don’t look back.
To put it quite simple, we just needs to say to ourselves….”I deserve better than this”. When you truly know you deserve to be loved and treated right, you’re not willing to settle for anything less. And you won’t waste your time pining over a lost relationship because you realize you deserve better. I learned this the hard way over a recent divorce. I was married to a narcissistic man and of course it came to an end. But though that experience I realize I deserved better. When we truly love ourselves we don’t tolerate unacceptable behavior and we move on from unhealthy relationships!
The “it’s not you,it’me talk” is usually cowardy way of getting off the hook but DO pay attention and take it for what it really means. It means …IT IS THEM AND THEIR ISSUES that cause the bs,NOT YOU!!! Seek what YOU are worth and want NOT what the wrong kind of person has or doesnt have to offer. On the end of the day…it really isnt You…:)
Bill said it right. I am currently going through this right now. For me to feel closure, I made sure I expressed my open, complete feelings and left it up to him. I have not heard from him, so I move forward as hard as it is. I have been here before and cannot afford to waste anymore of my life on a rollercoaster relationship. Each relationship that ends with hurt you learn more and become stronger.
Hi Jeanie,I can’t believe how many of us are going though this very thing!!I also have been on the “ride” with everyone and it hasn’t been a pleasant one:(.Like my best friend says “sometimes a bad relationship is better than none” for a period of time but there comes a time when the relationship just won’t “do” anymore”.It has an end somewhere and I found it right before the holidays (DEC 10) and I couldn’t hardly make it though.I did ….Thank God:)But been “no contact” since then.He wanted FWB only I was in love not a good mix …a real heart breaker for me…I am 42 and I truly believed this was my soul mate…I told him I couldn’t do it for a number of reasons…haven’t heard from him since. Even after he said he didn’t want to give our friendship ….Who knows???
Oh my goodness! I have dated someone for about 3 years, known each other for 6yrs. He has not committed to nothing with me, talked about marriage with me but will not commit to say “let’s go for next summer to look at rings”. There were times and days we didn’t communicate at all for days. Never a Valentime’s Day, got a Christmas gift for the 1st time in 2011. Well, I’m tired now so I’ve pulled away. I thought he was really the one but…………can’t continue to be on Hold for nothing.
Unfortunately, I would say this guy is married. At any rate, he is not worth your time. Do what you have to to get over this guy, but do it without his input please! You made a wise move ending it, don’t second guess yourself and keep moving forward now. Preferably do it without it being about him at all. If you can’t do that you might need some counselling to help you learn how to deal with breakups in a healthier way.
i concur! Been there, done that. it is a dead end street with a lot of heartbreak at the turn-around.
Bill you said it right. I am currently going through this same situation right now. I got my closure by telling him through email my true, open feelings about him and left it up to him to respond. I have not heard from him so I move forward. I have been hurt before and each time I learn more to take to the next relationship. It hurts to let go, but you do get over it. I do not want to waste anymore of my life on rollercoaster relationships. Life is too short and I am worthy of a healthy relationship.
I hear a lot of pain expressed out there. I have been married 3 times (18yrs, 18yrs, 10yrs). I initiated the divorce each time. I thougth I did everything I could to make them work: church, counseling, seminars, separations, moving, giving myself away, etc. None of it works. I felt a complete failure … I was the common denominator! I finally found out the two driving forces. (1)My greatest aptitude is that I “fix things”! Being a problem solver is my career. (2)Also, all 3 women were angry … they had horrible issues with men growing up creating problems with trust: alcoholism, emotional and physical abuse, etc. I could not see it because my mother was an angry woman … all (at least most!) I ever really knew were angry women (even through my career). I finally found a woman that was not angry but she was Bi-Polar. We had the greatest relationship that I ever knew for almost 2 yrs. Unfortunately, our mutual “seasonal affected disorder (SAD)” problems along with her BP destroyed the relationship over a 3 mo period. We are still friends but I can see there is no going back. Relationships are not easy to make work in our fast paced culture today. People have become more complex and with our knowing more about psychology today we are less inclined to put up with a bad thing … we move on. Today, I am inclined to believe that is the best thing to do. I think if we all learned to like OURSELVES better instead of trying to find someone to fix or fix us or help us feel better, we would be better off. I have come to believe that we have to make the happiness in life. We have to build the Sundae (ice cream, nuts, whipcream) … all the other person can do is put the cherry on top … no more! I still have love for all the women that have been in my life … that will not die. That adds to my happiness in the long run. I will just keep looking and try to learn by the past but I will NOT try to hold anyone too tightly … they will only be there as long as they want to be or we will allow them to be! God Bless all!
Lance, I thank you for giving perspective from a man’s point of view…although, as I read it, I realize that it just as well could have been written by a lady…our problems and failures and triumphs are not necessarily gender specific. Again, thanks to you…and to others on the blog…I have been helped by knowing that I’m not alone out there. God bless.
Lance,
Your insight is profound; I totally agree with you. I hope we all find our ‘soulmate’ -soon.
Angie
Lance, honestly, I think you’re putting it all on the women you were married with. With your upbringing with angry mom you could also be a culprit. Perhaps seeking counseling to determine your part of the problem could be the only solution. It worked for me. Now I see what I did that fed into the problems. I don’t attract angry anymore. I believe “like attracts like”… the women may be angry but you could passive aggressively pushing their buttons… think about it a little … ALL relationships take two.
Yes! It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to destroy it. Relationship is a dance. You can’t tango by yourself.
Thank You!!! I am in the same boat as this woman. I feel pulled toward an ex, but I think it is because it’s comfortable. The problem I’m having is we live in a small town, know the same people, so we are going to see each other.
The advice was REALLY helpful. Thanks again.
Living in a small town is hard on a breakup and the no contact rule. The man I so want to call me back after we put things on hold, drives past my home dozens of time a day to his place of business. He is in the cafe, the bank, the bar. Very hard to handle, especially when he is with someone else.
I’ve just recently gone through this. These guys think they are the best thing since sliced bread! By contacting him you are reinforcing that he is a great guy… I know because I made that mistake. He’ll never agree that he was a jerk and will always have excuses that can possibly be valid… He probably has unfinished business with one of more women and is just playing with you whenever it’s convinient to him.
It took me a long long time to get over the same thing but hang in there… you will eventually.
Thank you, Martine! I’ve been struggling w/whether or not to contact this jerk that i can’t seem to forget about. But your post helped me to see that it’ll only reinforce his overly-positive opinion of himself. Like you, i WILL get over this. You & I both deserve better
Dear Jeannine,
Thank you for posting a blog about my thread, – I don’t want to get used to this sadness-
I want to share with all of you that having opened myself and express my feelings on the board helped me GREATLY!
It felt totally abnormal to be still thinking about him after 6 months from our break up, that is why I needed some advice… I see now that it has helped other people too, and that makes me very happy.
After reading all the different opinions and advice I have decided not to contact him at all and went on and signed my self up for e harmony… it worked!… I am dating an awesome guy and things seem to be going great!, he doesn’t have the issues that I suffered from before and even though its all very new, things are going well.
My best to all
I am so happy to hear this!! Good for you to have courage to move forward! xxoo Jeannie
Forgive. It is the only way to closure.
I was with someone for four years. He broke my heart over and over and over again. Not only did I hate myself for letting it go on for so long, but I hated him for hurting me so much. I spent many nights crying, or pondering why could he do that to me. I just pined over the whole thing day in and day out until one day I decided that the only way to let it go was to forgive him, and break the grip that it had over me. That is not to say forget and let it happen again, but by forgiving you let go of the pain that is keeping you down. By holding onto the pain and the situation, you are allowing that person to maintain control over you. To me, breaking up with someone, especially if you were in love is the same as losing someone to death. In some ways maybe a bit harder because acceptance takes a little more time. When someone dies there is no going back. It is a done deal. When you lose someone through a break up, you know they are still walking this earth, and can find out what they are up to. The process of grieving is the same though.
It is just not worth it to hang out to the pain.
Just an FYI- Forgiving doesn’t mean that you will automatically feel good. It is also a process, but I know when I chose to, I felt 100% better than I had in months. I still have relapses so to speak, but even those feel like nothing in comparison.
Thanks, Ashley…I was in a “relationship” for 2 1/2 years…it needed to end abruptly…but I held onto pain and guilt and loneliness for too long…I had to forgive him…actually, that was the easy part…my problem is forgiving myself for giving myself to a man who was not my husband…that is my pain and heartbreak now…I am working on it…lots and lots of prayer, Scripture reading, thinking, thinking, thinking…I do appreciate hearing from others who understand the pain…thanks again!
I know exactly how you feel so first and foremost, forgive yourself! If this a religious issue for you, repent in a written note and cast this burden by leaving the note at the alter. There will be times when you’ll think about your husband not being your first but what can you do other than make sure your husband is your next! Think you’re “damaged goods”? Don’t worry – we all are in one way or another! You are worthy of your own forgiveness!
Beth, I am dealing with the same pain you described around having given myself. It seemed right, we seemed right. We never fought and always enjoyed our time together. I assumed he would be my husband. After 8 months, I was blindsided when he suddenly broke it off. I’ve been fighting feeling stupid, used, and other various emotions, even though everyone is telling me there’s something wrong with him, something doesn’t seem right.
Praying to get over it soon…
Ashley, can you give me pointers on how to forgive? I just ended a 19 month “relationship” with someone that i had known for several years before that. It ended up that I found out he was married by doing some snooping on facebook. The end was pretty bad and there are a lot of things that were unsaid. There has been no contact between us but the pain is terrible at times. I want to move on so bad but don’t know how. How do you forgive someone that hurt & lied to you from the very start?
Jana, I’m not Ashley, but I feel a bit of kindred spirit with you. My story is similar…2 1/2 yrs, he left his computer open and I read some of his emails and found that he was making contact with other men…he lied to me from the very start…I later found emails that went all the way back to ’08, when we first met…I’m a tender person, and I fell hard for him. It is so hard to go on when I feel like we didn’t have closure…I told him I couldn’t have him around because of my grandsons visiting here. I found out so abruptly that he was not the person I thought he was, and I questioned in my mind everything that he had ever said to me. I feel that I have forgiven him, not that he ever asked me to. That was the easy part…I’ve had a terrible problem with forgiving myself. I was and am a widow, and I feel such guilt for giving myself to a man who was not my husband. I’ve gont to several close Christian friends for counseling, I spoke with a priest, I began to read Scripture again and to pray probably more fervently than I ever have in my life. I’m now reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz titled I Saw the Lord. I’m about halfway through it and am learning so much…when we see the Lord, really see Him, His light shows us our imperfections…faults…sins. That seems to be where I get discouraged and wander off, but she is showing me, thru her book and Scripture, that I need to get through the discouragement that I feel and move on in life with His grace and love and forgiveness…and His presence in my life. That’s my story, Jana…and each one of us is on our own journey…and only God knows what it’s all about. I plan to stay as close as I possibly can to Him…He created me, He loves me, and He gives me hope. He (and you he) is a troubled human being in need of Jesus, too…as I see that more clearly, it’s much easier to forgive him. Hope I helped you in some way, Jana. May God bless you!
I too am going through this…it’s like some kind of “withdrawl” plus we were together for 5yrs…so I did “invest myself” fully with him. He moved to another town which helps, but he keeps wanting to chat/txt…say’s that he still loves me & even suggested that we have a sexual relationship since we were so “compatible” in that area!
But I finally txt him my feelings, etc. and he has not responded…he’s been on a dating site also…it is hard when that happens…5yrs!
Run, don’t walk, from men like this. They can be the most charming under the right circumstances, but red flags, such as not introducing you to his family and circle of acquaintances, are serious indications that he is not including you in his life. Who can say what his true intentions were for the relationship? One thing is certain and that is, you are more hurt by this break-up than he is and he’s not thinking about you anymore. He’s moved on, with a heart that is VERY intact.
Yes, he is probably married or hung up on someone else. I also dated a man from eHarmony who said all the right things and seemed to do all the right things for awhile..except he was big on pushing physical intimacy quickly. He insisted on sleeping over at my house, and being affectionate in front of my children. But, when we did something with his children, he didn’t show the least bit of affection..he didn’t hold my hand, put his arm around me, kiss me goodbye; nothing! Talk about a double-standard! It turned out, he was still married, and hadn’t even filed for divorce. And his last girlfriend made 2 attempts to get back together with him while we were dating; and both times, he dropped me for a chance with her. It was humiliating! Definitely don’t call him. It’s not worth it.
Songbird2 -I so hear you!
I ‘dated’ a Rebound. His divorce was in-process, and he was pretty straight (and deliberate) on intimacy. At first I was cool with the ‘make out’ portions, but then his behavior changed. He started becoming ‘playfully aggressive’ with the physical, assuming -at times even teasing- that I was “taking too long”. Of course, I overlooked his behavior, being the “nice gal”. DOH
After witnessing him almost clean out the bar during a few dates, I finally wised up and ended it.
The irony? I had made several attempts to ‘Communicate’ our relationship status, with him. All attempts, he never quite got it. Obviously he’d lived a horrible, non-communicative relationship with the future ex.
It makes me very sad to read all of the comments here. I can relate however, but want to share this little tip: reach out to someone else to help them in some capacity. I have done this and it has proven to be most beneficial: it lines up my priorities correctly. I am now able to count my blessings when I see others in a situation that is much more dire or sad or desperate than my own. Most definitely my experience, having been similar to all the above, was unpleasant and difficult to get past, and I still work at it every day. But now I can see how my situation is only relative to others that are much more serious. Get busy with helping others~ believe me, it helps tremendously.
And stay focused on you.
Wanting closure is very important in order to move forward. It’s like you have one foot in the door and one foot out. You keep looking back over your shoulder and cannot fully see the future. It’s like something is holding you back from living your life in a whole and complete way. Unfortunately, sometimes, we will not be able to get this closure that we so desperately need from those that we were involved with. Those that we gave our hearts to and did not feel the same way. For them, it’s easier to just walk away because they did not give you their hearts too, or at least to the same degree. In life, we meet people that we may fall in love with but they may not fall in love with us too. It’s a rare gift if you both feel the same way. Then again, they may love you too but are not ready to make the same type of commitments. When they can walk away and not look back, that says so much. If the love is true and meant to be, you must let it go and if it comes back then it’s yours. Apparently, he walked away and has not come back or has even asked how you are. If you feel that your love was real, maybe you should try and contact him just to see how he is. Maybe he feels really bad about what happened and does not have the ability to reach out to you. Maybe then, you will receive your closure. If he rejects your attempt, if he’s rude, if he’s acting distant, etc. But, be careful if he’s kind and you take it for him wanting you back. That may not be the case. Therefore, setting yourself up again for another heartbreak.
Ask for wisdom and God will gladly give it to you…
Put God first in your heart. His love is unconditional…
Closure seems like a good thing, but I don’t know that I’ll ever have it. I was in a “relationship” for 2 1/2 years…it needed to end abruptly due to things I learned about him that he denied…so it was very bad behavior plus lies…but I held onto pain and guilt and loneliness for too long…I had to forgive him…actually, that was the easy part…my problem is forgiving myself for giving myself to a man who was not my husband…that is my pain and heartbreak now…I am working on it…lots and lots of prayer, Scripture reading, thinking, thinking, thinking…I do appreciate hearing from others who understand the pain…thanks again! I’d appreciate your prayer for me, Lindy. I have been praying for wisdom, among other things.
Closure comes from yourself, not others. You give yourself permission to move on and let go of the past. “Oh, that relationship is now in my past..I can let go of it, and it’s OK for me to do that.” Your happiness does not depend on someone else. It’s up to you.
My boyfriend of 3 years also dropped me several times for an ex girlfriend. He asked me to marry him several times and now doesnt want to. He still lets his ex wife walk the dog, and I hate this. I have now walked away. He still continues to declare his love for me and says I am being ridiculous…..thoughts please…….
Tiffany -there’s really little to respond here. This guy sounds very mixed up. 3 years of dating you and repeatedly dumping you for an ex? And then, ironically – asking for your hand?
This guy screams Immaturity (and insecurity.)
RUN…Don’t walk – and do not look back!
Declaring his ‘love’ for you? Accusing YOU of being the ridiculous one??? Seriously?
Hon, he is obviously the clueless one here. He isn’t getting it, and probably never will. That happens a lot! It’s unfortunately Epidemic, in our dating culture.
Drop this guy like a hot iron.
Regardless of the situation, CLOSURE isn’t something that you GET from the other person. It comes from WITHIN. So just stay on the NO CONTACT ROAD and sooner or later, it will all just be a faded memory. Don’t waste anymore of your life on this guy.
How can u do the no contact rule when u have a child
I have been reading all of your comments and there seems to be a lot of good advice. So, here we go. I got married way young, age 20. I have two kids and got divorced after 10 years of marriage. I jumped into a serious relationship even before my divorce was final or my ex even moving out of the house. It was mutual, she was doing the same. Anyway, the woman that I was serious with moved in with me and we bought the house together. Before this I gave her a very nice promise ring. Things went south after the move in and the merging of families. We fought all of the time, she was stubborn as hell, I had no say in anything and I was always at fault. She had severe anger issues and could not talk things out, ever. It always ended up as yelling and storming off with numerous times of taking the ring off and throwing it at me. The ring really meant something to me. I guess it didn’t mean anything to her. There was so many times that I asked why aren’t you wearing you ring? “It’s too hot out” or I don’t need to wear it to know I am in a relationship! She says, “the only you want me to wear it is so people know I am claimed” Well, maybe there is some truth to that. Is that wrong? Also, early on we went to Jamaica and it was hot, she had no problems wearing it there. She didn’t wear it to college all that much and was disgruntled about me asking. She said that ring meant nothing to her after so many times throwing it at me. That was her choice and her anger that gets the best of her. I am a calm person and am able to talk things out. We now have been separated for about 6 months and I still can’t get over her! The feelings I had for her were so powerful I can’t imagine ever having that again. Although her and my ex-wife was the only women I have had in my life. She rocked my world in every way possible (physically, emotionally, everything). The extreme power of love and high, I can’t get over and don’t think is ever possible to have again. It’s been almost 6 months and I still think about her every day, even knowing how toxic it was at the end!
If someone will not give up their anger then there is the possibility they are BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. More people have this than Bipolar but it is almost never diagnosed as it has such a low rate of treatment success. Check out the book and workbook “Walking on Eggshells” If you want to learn more. It totally opened my eyes.
Thanks for sharing your story Chad and everyone else. I am one of those women who can get that hot temper and I’ve had to learn that’s not acceptable behavior and make changes and admit to my partner when I have made that mistake. If she was the right girl for you she would have tried to adjust her reactions to disagreements to make things work.
I’m currently in the same boat as a lot of people here. I had my heart broke this past week by someone I was dating for almost a year.He needed his “space” and now I am really trying to let it go. It’s so hard and it hurts.
Is amaizing how many woman like me are out there is so hard to find man that is not up to just casual dating even on their 50′s I found some one and it last it 2 weeks lol he was worth to try but unfurtunately he can’t let go to his past, woman writting him left and right, never change his status on line etc, it hurts because he could had be a great mate. Ladies it seems is epidimic.
Closure is a peace you must find within you…there are no shortcuts or a way another person can do that for you. opening the door to communicate with someone that has caused you hearthache and you are still emotionally tied to is emotionally draining and will only cause more pain. Do not look back only forward the peace will come!!!!
Wow..I really thought i was the only one going thru this. My situation is alittle more complicated to say the least. I have been seeing a married man for 6yrs. (I know shame on me, and he was seperated at the time) but I ended up falling in love with him, he was my dream guy, everything i ever wanted in a man, so..In the beginning of our relationship I found out that he lied to me about his name. And yes after a background check, Him not thinking i could do that with just his address, i found out everything about him that he didnt tell me. But yet he was honest with me in telling me that he has no intentions of leaving his wife, but yet they were seperated. But for some reason i was dilusional in thinking that he really would. So I kept seeing him thinking in my own little world that someday soon he will leave his wife. But in the back of mind i really knew that he probably wasnt going to. But everything was going great until that one day we were together and I looked at him in the eyes and I was done. Every part of me that said not to fall in love with him came crashing in like a flood. I fell so hard for him. But we got to see each other alot and talked everyday and things appeared to be going good. Then he got fired from his job and had to move back home with his wife..So as soon as he left to go back home that is when everything went down hill. Altho we still talked and seen each other it began to get further and far in between. It kept getting less and less that i was able to see him and talk to him. It was very hard for me because I loved him so much. But the one thing that really bothers me the most is the fact that in the beginning of our relationship we promised each other that if we were gonna part that we would tell each other and not just disappear. I feel like that he is trying to disappear instead of just being up front with me. Thinking that if he doesnt talk to me or see me that I will just disappear and I cant except that behavior. It frustrates me and makes me mad. So about a week ago i wrote him and told him a piece of how i was feeling. I didnt go into detail because im waiting for the right moment to do that. But Its been very hard to let go. I love him so much even though i know that he isnt going to leave. I know i must have to be stupid to think that way. And what else that upsets me is that he wont tell me how he feels about me. I have tried numerous times to get him to tell me how he feels and he just wont. But yet when we are together he really shows that he loves me and cares about me. When we talk he seems to care about what is going on with me. Im so confused. but I dont know I still kind of see a ray of hope, considering the last time i seen him, 2 wks ago, he wasnt wearing his ring. First time i ever seen him without it. So now i have even more confusion and just dont know what to do! I know in my mind i need to let go, but my heart wont let me. I guess if i can see it from someone elses point of view that is on the outside it may help me to better realize what is really going on in this situation. I really need someone to tell me what is wrong with this, because right now Im not looking at things clearly, im only looking at it through how I feel and often times how we feel causes us not to see things clearly. And please dont put me down, I feel bad enough already.
Also to help sum things up here -
There will not always be closure. I’ve learned that from experience. There are times we must just accept that things ended, with or without reason (good/bad). And there are times you may not want any closure (circumstances pending.)
It certainly doesn’t pay to dwell on a lost relationship. I’ve done that before. It’s a huge time-waster. Life is just too broad and big to brood over the ‘one that got away’.
If the fall-out regards issues on their behalf and they fail to see it (no apology, email, etc.) -simply regard it all as a valuable lesson learned. And then, thank the good Lord for protecting your heart from further harm.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you….I have a variation of the recited stories.
I feel besides reading some books …If Love is a Game,here are the Rules….and etc. I feel you should think of what would you tell a friend that was experiencing your situation…and follow the advice you would give. Easier said then done but keep at it one day you will get there. We all seem to have a greater attraction to something we can’t have or the need to conquer someone that does not want us completely. Women are wired by our emotions…don’t give in or up too easily …be your own best friend , you should care about YOU the most , take the emotion out of it ! Do you still see the value of getting the short end of the stick?
Moreover each one of you ….is your time precious? You give it wastefully and it is something you can never get it back…stop pining..if that individual is not with you ..calling…texting …writing..or communicating , I seriously doubt they are on the ‘thinking of you merry go round’. Why are you letting them win by wasting your time?
Brush off the heartache and go find the real YOU and the special someone that loves you for who you are!
Best wishes…..time heals all …ps. My GF’s and I would write letters and have a wine drinking burning session! It gives closure! You don’t need to contact him for closure…find it within you.
I know how it feels to try and get over an ex. I was with my husband ever since we were teenagers. We had two children together, and we married, got divorced, and still tried to reconcile twice afterward. We live in a small town (my mother’s hometown, and when we finally decided to call it quits, he left and went back to his hometown, in a different state, and got married to another woman. Recently, him and his wife moved back to where I live and moved right down the street from myself and all my family members!! My ex husband nor his wife have any family here, and my family was clearly confused as to why he did that. He claimed he came back here to be closer to the children, but he was never really close to them to begin with, plus one of the children and grown, and the other one is a teenager. So could someone please give me some advice as to how to handle this? And by the way, I can’t move, because I recently built my dream home, and I don’t have the resources to move. Family and friends have told me don’t allow him “run me away,” but I am uncomfortable with this. People tell me he still loves me and he wants to reconcile, but this is a stupid way of going about it. Please, some advice?
I actually find my form of closure to be beneficial for me. I’m 51 years old, was previously married, and consider myself to be a very level headed and realistic person in most everything I do.
Last year I met a guy on a date site who lived 2 hours away from me and got to know him through chat, text and phone conversations for 2 1/2 months before we personally met. In the time before our actual meeting, we learned everything about each other and was amazed at how much we had in common. When we finally met it was like reconnecting with an old close friend. We had an absolutely wonderful first date and mutually agreed to continue seeing each other. You can imagine my pleasant surprise when he admitted he could “see” us walking hand in hand through the park 10 years down the road. (That was in reference to our 3rd date which took place in a park) Although he visited me, it was more convenient for me to go to his town for our visits. I was given an open invitation to come anytime I wanted. We eventually met each other’s children and other family members. He included me into his social circle where I made friends with his buddies wives or girlfriends. He willingly participated in activities I enjoyed and always included me in his. We eventually discussed the possibilities of me relocating and finding a job closer to his town since he had roots there and I had nothing to hold me where I was. When we couldn’t be together we texted and talked on the phone each day no matter what we were doing or where we were. Although we saw each other’s minor imperfections and didn’t always agree with each other, this relationship was the closest to perfection that I’ve ever experienced with a guy. Then after almost 6 months, things began gradually changing. It appeared to begin when he was put on 10 hour work days. He was tired at the end of the day and didn’t feel like talking as much, which was understandable, but soon I noticed he also wasn’t texting me as often, wasn’t calling as much on weekends as he normally did. When we did talk, they were short, empty conversations that didn’t seem to amount to anthing. He just didn’t seem to “be there” any longer. I kept excusing his behavior on the lousy work hours and chose to stay as non demanding and easy going as possible in order to make it easier for him. I truly believed it was outside forces that had brought about the change in him, because, although he acted withdrawn when we were apart, things appeared great when we were together. But as soon as we were physically apart he would become progressively more distant. Progressively there were fewer phone calls from him as well as text messages back and forth, although if I initiated either he would be polite and cordial. His lack of interest and enthusiasim in an upcoming visit finally made accept that something was seriously wrong.
I consider myself a proactive person and decided it was time for a serious face to face with him….the person who invited me into his life, who saw us walking hand in hand in the future, who had previously suggested we move in together this coming spring, but who was now treating me as nothing more then a casual friend when we were physically apart. But the only results I got was the same ole BS excuses, along with the statement of being frustrated for not having enough time to give me the attention I deserved, BUT…we would always be friends even “if” the relationship never went any farther. That statement spoke volumes to me.
I wish I could say that the relationship ended right then and there, with me walking out and not looking back, but he and I continued texting and talking almost daily for another 6 weeks before I finally had to say ENOUGH!! When a mutual friend reported that he was actively looking for women to date within his community as well as on practically every dating site known to man, I realized that whatever game he was playing with me was at my emotional expense. I had to painfully acknowledge the fact that although I still wanted this guy in my life, he no longer wanted me. I could no longer allow it to effect me… the lack of sleep, the depression, the rejection was taking it’s toll on me and my health. He obviously had decided to change the status of our relationship…. but didn’t bother to let me know!! I guess I was suppose to just go along with it with no questions asked.
I finally sat down 1 evening and wrote him an email telling him that I no longer had the emotonal strength to continue being “just” his friend. I expressed my sincere regrets that things didn’t work out between us. I informed him that I wouldn’t be contacting him any longer and wished him nothing but the best that life had to offer. I never heard from him again. He later told a mutual friend things just got to complicated, but that was also just 1 of the many reasons and excuses he gave to friends as to why “we” decided to stop seeing each other.
I’ll never know the real reason why he changed so drastically, why he would suggest moving in together and then treat me with such indifference 2 days later. I’ll never know what his true feelings were BUT…it no longer matters. In a symbolic manner, I had to close that door. If I hadn’t sent him a closure or goodbye letter it would have always felt as though something was left unfinished for me. Plus…I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I would just slowly fade out of his life. I obviously took the relationship more seriously then he did and feel he needed to know that although I was hurt by his decisions and actions, I would be OK and life would go on for me without him.
To me, closure is releasing the emotional bound that was formed between 2 individuals. It’s not an opportunity to attack the other person or beg for something that can’t be, but rather letting them go with your blessings and forgiveness. Although I’m sure alot of readers will disagree with my form of closure, I believe that everyone needs to deal with it in a manner that will benefit them emotionally and mentally.
Although it’s been about 5 weeks since I sent the letter and haven’t heard from him, I think of him daily, miss him terribly, and still wish things could have been different, I hold to my promise of not contacting him in any manner and have noticed that each day does get a bit easier.
Dear “Just Being Me,”
And actually, to all women out there…why does it seem that it’s mostly women who are the ones most respectful of a relationship? Men seem to opt for taking the easy way out by not responding or letting things drag on, whereas women will be responsible enough to say, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me.” That has been my experience in online dating.
I’ve come to the conclusion that men are cowardly and women are the forthright ones. It’s almost too bad that I’m heterosexual! Sorry, just my attempt at humor there.
At any rate, I once told a friend that “I’m the type who needs a period at the end of my sentence.” So after trying to distance myself from the many “what if” questions that arise after communication stops, I too, send an email to close things off, wishing him the best in finding a life partner. It’s unnecessary, but like “Just Being Me,” it helps me to put things to rest and be able to take the steps to let go and move on, taking it a day at a time.
I truly hope we are all able to meet the person with whom we will joyfully share the rest of our lives with. It’s not that we deserve it so much as it would be oh so wonderful and enriching to be the one that someone rushes home to.
Stay far far away!! Delete his number, unfriend him on Facebook, Delete his email! The worst thing you could do is contact him! He has proven he’s not interested and unfortunately, you just have to take that at face value. Bottom line: If he’s not calling, he’s just not that into you (that book is mostly true, by the way)!
Sorry, honey. It stinks and it hurts. But you’ll be FAR BETTER OFF without him! Someone amazing awaits and if your heart or mind is partially tied up in him, you may miss the great one waiting for you!!
I two ended a 7 month relationship that was not going anywhere. I think men are happy to have FWB partner until something better comes along. So I would advise all women not to give it up so easily and maybe the men would respect us more and be ready to settle down to 1 good women.
Ya, no contact sounds best. One thing a friend once said to me that sunk in: “Just making sure to not make contact yourself with a loved one (when they let YOU go) is how you’ll get ‘closure.’ ” In other words, YOU LET THEM GO. …Or, like I like to phrase it–you let them be gone. They’re showing you how ‘not there’ they are. And you’re letting them go shows you don’t want that, that you want better than that.
Of course, when they reconnect with you after long periods, that puts your letting them go to the test, because it can restimulate your fantasies of reunion. DON’T. They just want to NOT lose you, they don’t want to actually HAVE you in their life.
People underestimate how much a heartache hurts, and especially when someone has blown hot and cold like thie one mentioned. I know what that does – leaves the “victim” so messed up and swinging between thinking they have over-reacted by ditching the relationship! It’s important to follow your instincts; if it makes you unhappy that is all that matters. I wrote a long letter saying exactly how much I had loved him and why I was ending it. He never replied, but then he was terrible at communicating!
I was with a man for 2/12 years – we lived together for about 9 months of that (His idea, I wasn’t quite ready to live together). He moved out so we could try to salvage our relationshio – too much daily stress with jobs, kids, etc. We just related better without the stress of running a household for the time being. We are close to retirement and planned our future together right down to picking out our dream retiremenet home in Florida. We definitely had our ups and downs in the 2 1/2 years but my family loved him and vice versa. We shared mutual interests, etc. After a ridiculously trivial argument, he broke up with me 2 weeks before Christmas and 2 months after I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. He was there for my surgery but when I need him the most, now, to face my fears of the cancer returning and just to have someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I’m the most scared and lonely, he’s not there. No contact from him in 7 weeks, nothing. I refuse to contact him and realize that a man so uncaring and coldhearted is not a man I need, deserve or want in my life. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
C girl –
That is such wonderful advise! I just wish I could go back in time and kick some sense into myself for what I allowed to happen.
I made him my top priority. Practically everything I did and planned for was focused around him. I am so very thankful he kicked me to the curb BEFORE I gave up my job and moved just to be closer to him. I don’t know how I would have dealt with that.
There’s supposedly 5 levels of grief (The emotional response to losing something) 1-Denial, 2-Anger, 3-Bargaining, 4-Depression, 5-Acceptance.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Although the site mainly focuses on death and dying, a loss is anything that we held dear to us. And the loss of a relationship is in a sense a death.
I found it interesting that I have experienced all the emotions and still fall back occaisionally to the depression or anger level. Yesterday I caught myself feeling a little depressed. Today I was very angry at times if I caught myself thinking about him. It was probly a good thing he didn’t contact me today….he wouldn’t have survived it!!! lol =)
It takes as long as it takes to get over someone, but the main thing is that we learn our lesson and hopefully do better next time around!
There was serious miscommunication with my ‘ex’. I thought he let me go. He thought I let him go. Finally I contacted him and he didn’t hate me. Anyway the no contact rule works. I fell out of love with him, which is the only way I ever could have recontacted him! It broke my heart when he disappeared and I never thought I would be able to reach back out to him. Come to find out, he thought I had disappeared on him. Go figure.
Here is a novel idea–how about having a little self-respect. Those weren’t yellow flags, they’re plain old signs of disregard and disrespect for another person’s feelings. What does she want to ask him? “why did you use me and treat me like crap?” Here’s a possible response “because you were so happy to let me”
Closure–he closed the door in your face more than once, now he’s locked it. Grow a set and move on.
The no contact rule is solid advice, but I also would assume that most people follow it anyway? I mean, do you really want to see your ex after a breakup? Most people don’t.
Sometimes, when I’m going through struggles, I feel like I’m the only one. But now I know this is a common occurrence! I recently “mutually” ended things with a fellow because he was offered a job out of state and wasn’t finding suitable work in the area (really, though, he ended things because he decided to leave). It broke my heart that he was willing to leave our seemingly happy relationship for a job. He even said that it felt weird ending a relationship when it wasn’t a failure. We tried to stay in contact after the breakup because we were friends before, but I ended up reaching a breaking point and I couldn’t stand being just another girl in his life (that is, I wasn’t the ‘special’ girl in his life anymore). I finally told him that I would no longer be contacting him and that distance was absolutely necessary because I obviously was not as important to him as I had once thought. I have felt sad, angry and hurt, but I am finally to a point where I can actually look back on our relationship and see RED flags (he met my family and friends, but acted bored around them, and would not bring me around his friends or family; he pursued intimacy really fast in the relationship, but didn’t care much for commitment; he talked about marriage and running away together often, but again, didn’t act as though he really cared much for commitment). From what I’ve been reading, it sounds like these are common characteristics in guys that are not actually ready for commitment. And I stand by what others have said–no contact is the way to go!!! I’m probably generalizing, but these types of exes are not nearly as attached to the relationship as the other person and care mostly for themselves. I say, good riddance! And here’s to finding a less selfish guy on EH!