I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and “the odds.” If you think about the many decisions we all have to make, getting a good sense of what the odds really are in a particular situation and how much risk we can tolerate is pretty fundamental to living well. It can be quite difficult. For example, many people are scared to fly. They have the sense that the risk is high, and experience anxiety just getting on the plane. They typically don’t worry about the drive to the airport where, statistically, they are much more likely to die.
Understanding the odds really comes into play when we talk about relationships. Each person is an individual and each relationship is unique, but there’s still some sort of aggregate likelihood that certain events will occur. If two 21-year-old people decide to marry, they may indeed be forging a relationship that will last for the ages. The odds tell us that this relationship is very likely to fail. Therefore, based on that fact, I would counsel these two not to marry now. I know they are in love, but if they wait just three or four years ,the odds say that the chances that their relationship will succeed go way up.
Male infidelity in a relationship falls under this same system. Any person can cheat, that we know, but it’s easier for some men to cheat than others. There are three factors that play into a man straying sexually in a relationship:
1. His ability to convince other women to sleep with him.
2. His opportunity to cheat.
3. His sexual energy.
So, let’s imagine a man who works in a store with his wife. They ride to work together, come home together, and on the weekends they work on their house and socialize together. Imagine that this man is extremely unattractive, by objective standards. He is shy, and has a hard time talking to strangers. Let’s also say that he has a very modest sexual appetite. This imaginary fellow is on the low end of the cheater scale. He has little to no opportunity. He has little to no game with women. He has little physical desire for sex.
We can quickly go to the other end of the spectrum. He travels for work. He is very handsome, and has a magnetic attraction to women. He has a very strong sexual appetite. His wife knows he wants to have sex every day, maybe more than once. It doesn’t take a genius to see that this fellow is more likely to cheat than our shy guy.
So, what are you to do with this information? It is certainly true that the shy man COULD find a way to cheat. It’s also true that the sexual guy COULD be a monument to fidelity. But if you’re playing the odds in the situation, it’s hard not to recognize what outcomes are more likely. There are, occasionally, people who get hit by a bus and live, but I’m not going to jump out in front of a bus, because I don’t think the odds are in my favor.
Some people think the odds don’t apply to them. “Yes, I know that is a possibility, but it won’t happen to me,” they often say. And of course, statistically there is a chance that they will be right. But in situations where the odds are heavily against them, they won’t be right very often. And with some of these life decisions, the consequences of a poor decision are so drastic that placing your money on the long-shot seems a little crazy.
So, the next time you’re dating a man, take a moment and think about these three factors and how your guy rates. It’s no guarantee of how he will behave in the relationship, but you’ll have a better sense of the odds.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
The most important point has been entirely oveelooked here. About half of men are inclined to cheat.. Cultural norms, family experiences from childhood, and the nature of their moral compass are some of the determinants. But about half of men are NOT inclined to cheat, even on the road, even if they have the means and the opportunity. The author has perpetuated a fear some women have which can really paralyze intimacy in a relationship, and in so doing he has done no favors for the contingent of sexy men who are most satisfied by a deep and sexual relationship with one woman.
Good Comment! The author of this article didn’t even take into account there is a conscious decision to cheat and the personal values behind that. He almost made it seem like all men WOULD cheat given the right circumstances. AWFUL. Even for those girls with the shy boyfriends, don’t be fooled, he’d cheat if he was better looking? So if my boyfriend is handsome, temporarily lives in a different city and likes to have sex, then I jumped out in front of a bus by continuing to be with him and I’m gonna get cheated on. Gee thanks eharmony advisor!
You are both right.
How about the women these cheating men are with? For every womanizer there is a women. This is a very sexist article based on man-bashing frame of mind. Women cheat too. They are not naive little victims swayed into bed by predator men but willing participants.
@ RC – I disagree. This is NOT a sexist article or did it skip over important issues related to the topic. If the article was called,”The Odds that a PERSON Will Cheat” and nothing was said about women who cheat, then it would be sexist. If the title were “The Odds Your Man Will Cheat and the Women They Cheat With” then the women these cheating men are cheating with would be of importance. But the article was entitled, “WOMEN – The Odds Your Man Will Cheat” and it was the author’s job to stay on that topic, and he did. If you wanted to read an article with all of those other issues then you might need to find a posting that promises this as its subject matter.
The title is “women – the odds your MAN will cheat” so how is it not sexist? I have always been a loyal guy, yet have been cheated on twice by women, I for one want to see those odds
you are wrong. but not because the author stayed on topic. you’re wrong because the author was wrong, BECAUSE he only skimmed the surface on the reasons men cheat. for 1, he assumes that given the opportunity, all men will. this is wrong. i could say the same about women, even though MOST do! the #1 reason why MOST men cheat is because they don’t feel respected by their wives. very few men happily married men cheat purely for sexual appetite. it’s very easy to blame the cheater because he is the wrong-doer. to say anything negative about the grieving wife is considered “blame the victim” syndrome, but it is true that most men who are well respected by their wives and satisfied in bed won’t cheat. ANY man can find opportunity. ANY man can find SOME woman to sleep with him. and ANY man faced with the prospect of someone new and exciting won’t have a problem getting it up. i believe the author totally missed the mark on being able to predict a woman’s odds about her man cheating.
@Diana Scott – Ok then, the title of the article is sexist, and the author chose to stay on that topic.
I disagree with this article. No one can really predict that a shy man won’t cheat. I was married to a shy man who loved the affirmation he got from serial cheating. A man cheats because he can. A man cheats because he’s addicted to it’s chemical rush. A man cheats because he has control issues with his mom. A man cheats because he wants to. It’s important to understand the psychological profile of the man you are dating. That is what reduces odds.
This isn’t a particularly useful article. Although the three listed factors may be large contributors to the ability for a guy to cheat, it doesn’t give us anything useful to take away. The only thing we can pull from this is to date ugly, boring, and sexually uninterested guys, which is a bit like saying, “if you are attracted to him, don’t date him!”
Why do guys cheat? What can we do (as their female partners) to reduce the chance that it could happen to us? What can we do (as a male confronting the desire to cheat) to better our relationship satisfaction or control the urge to cheat? What are signs to look for if you suspect your partner is cheating on you? How do we move on if this has happened to us? These are useful questions to answer, none of which have been addressed here.
I find this article to be dangerous to people who put too much faith in statistics. Statistics mean nothing to the individual.
I’m a man that is more toward the cheater end of the scale, and have never been inclined to cheat. My ex-wife of 5 years had almost no sex drive, hardly any friends, and was not very sociable, yet she cheated on me twice.
I hope nobody decides to enter/end a relationship based upon statistics. Most don’t tell the whole story.
People fail to understand one basic fundemental, Marriage is a covenant with God, about 150 years ago give or take a few decades Marriages were arranged, sometimes with people unseen! and why did the marriage last? because of reverence of the institution, love can be learned, a person can marry anyone and make it work once they come to the realization there is no way out, once they commit to this life long Covenant, and disgard any notion of the plenty of fish theory, they will take all of that angst and apply it to their marriage so it is tolerable, then once they reach tolerable, they will shoot for comfortable, and once they get comfortable, they will strive for favorable, then enviable, then it comes too that glorious day when it becomes I couldn’t have made it to this beautiful place without you at my side, I don’t know what I have done had you not been in my life but I would have been cheated out of real love with anyone else.
“His ability to convince other women to sleep with him.”
If he could convince other women to sleep with him, he wouldn’t have to bother with online dating. If you meet a guy in HERE, you’re pretty safe as far as that’s concerned.
And where, pray, is the article deciphering the probability of WOMEN cheating?
@Bobzeaux – Wow, your depth astounds me! So are you saying that men who date online are doing so because they couldn’t otherwise convince a woman to sleep with him? You’d probably be amazed by this but there are some men who could easily talk get a woman to sleep with them but after spending years sleeping around, they may eventually find the lack of intimacy very unfulfilling and may need more. That’s when those men will look for something deeper and choose to go online so that they can base their choice on something other than their ability to lure women into their bed.
But seeing as though you’re here, it only proves that even when making choices online, women stillh ave to be careful when on dating sites and to make sure that they can tell the difference between someone who’s here for a quality relationship and men like out men….you.
As for the article on women cheating….I suppose that when cheating becomes more of a problem than the one that already exists with men, maybe they’ll think it worthy enough to write about it. However, with the rate things are going – with women losing confidence in men and the institution of marriage that day may come sooner than we think.
“So are you saying that men who date online are doing so because they couldn’t otherwise convince a woman to sleep with him?”
That’s precisely what I’m saying, yes. If men have the ability to convince women to sleep with them, they’re going to DO it. Plain and simple. If you have that kind of skill, you don’t need online dating to help you out, whether you’re looking for a meaningful relationship or just the next piece of tail.
“women stillh ave to be careful when on dating sites and to make sure that they can tell the difference between someone who’s here for a quality relationship and men like out men….you.”
And what’s ‘men like out men…you’ supposed to mean? I trust this is supposed to be meant as a ding against me, which hardly surprises me. Here I am, a great guy with a lot to offer a woman, but because I’m voicing my sincerity and honesty (which women are CONSTANTLY saying they want their men to do), you’re instead misinterpreting me as the wrong kind of jerk (as opposed to the RIGHT kind of jerk, whose bones women seem to want to constantly jump). This is what I get for playing by the rules; absolutely nothing.
Online dating is not about sleeping with someone. That’s very shallow. Dating is about finding someone you can be with. Someone you might spend the rest of your life with. Someone you want to marry. Once you are married, then that’s when sex can begin. By having sex before marriage, you have ruined the relationship. It complicates things and ruins hopes of a solid marriage. Faithfulness and commitment is what is needed. It is what is lacking and that is why we have a 50% divorce rate.
Bobzeaux, what a load of crap. All my life I’ve had no problem finding women to sleep with. frankly, that’s not the point. I’m here cause I’m looking for a match on the emotional and intellectual sides too, and online dating facilitates that quicker. it’s a timing thing. To infer that meeting someone here is a safe bet regarding cheating, smacks of naivety. Many guys use online dating sites to troll, just like clubs.
Geez, get a grip
Wow, I think you may have overlooked #4. Character. I sure am glad that I am an attractive, outgoing female. Because if I were an attractive, outgoing male, I’d be offended!
yes… i agree with you. i felt the need to speak up about this article. because i AM an attractive, outgoing guy, at least my FIANCE tells me alot. and my feathers were ruffled a bit. there’s a lot more significant factors involved with the reasons men cheat. men are not all shallow dogs that will sniff up the first skirt that comes along and must be left on a leash. that attitude is VERY degrading and disrespectful towards honorable men. but i can see how some men, like Bobzeaux, invite such scrutiny when they make crude and amoral statements about the fidelity of the male gender as if we had elected him to speak on our behalf. i for 1, LOVE my fiance with all my heart and would never cheat on her. not that i’ve never thought about having sex with another woman. in fact, since i got engaged, it seems my attention is drawn to beautiful women everywhere. they always seem to have flowing hair as if out of a hair product commercial, and narrow waists, and the obligatory large breasts that don’t need a bra. BUT…despite these mental temptations, marriage to me is something sacred. my fiance both understand that we’re going to see other people we find attractive. and that’s OK. because we have something greater than ourselves to look forward to. a lifelong commitment. LOOK, i don’t care HOW beautiful a woman is, somewhere there’s a guy out there that is tired of having sex with her. and although great relationships have great sex, they aren’t based on sex. and that seems to be the message the author is giving in this article. that there is nothing more important than the sex issue for the relationship to hinge on. in fact, there were lots of successful marriages throughout history even with cheating spouses. men would have mistresses or concubines, for years, and women had their masters outside the home. especially in the upper class societies. but they still stuck together through the pain and eventually forgave each other and died together. does that mean what they did was right? of course not. it just proves that to some people marriage is more than sexual fidelity.
The times I have cheated I was seduced by women, and if I had a better moral compass and was happy in my marriage, I probably wouldn’t have. I felt really dirty and bad afterwards.
What!!!! Because a man is attractive has the opportunity and has a sexual appetite means he has the right to cheat. Grow up! A good relationship needs to be between two adults.
Score 1 for the introverted, unattractive male, I guess. Or me, pretty much.
Love alot of the points made here, esp by Onegirlguy and Renee. I disagree with you Bobzeaux. Online dating does not necessarily mean men can’t meet women in other places, maybe they just aren’t meeting quality women that they want a relationship with.
After a 22 year relationship that failed due to my husband conducting a four year affair I can say that there is still have hope that I will find someone who wants a real connection leading to a Covenant relationship. To support the author my husband was in outside sales, away a lot.
It is clear though that these responses demonstrate the depths of pain caused by cheating.
This comment is intended for the author and the managers of this “blog”. Alas, you left out one crucial piece of the puzzle. The ethics of the individual. Of course, that comes into play when assessing the likelihood someone will be unfaithful. Most of us have opportunities to stray, but some of us don’t because we CHOOSE to be good, honest, loving faithful partners. I, myself, have had ample opportunities, and I choose to be flattered but remain purely on friendly terms, respecting my first priority – my commitment to my partner. That is always possible, but some people do not exercise their morality and their character strength. It can be done, and it’s really not that challenging. All it takes are simple decisions – to avoid temptations in the first place, or when faced with a risky situation, to go down the right path. As they say, “Just do it.”
This is a GREAT article. ALL YALL take note. Believe this guy he knows what he is talking about. I have lived it, seen it. IT IS TRUE. Amen and AMEN. NUFF SAID.
While I appreciate the attempt of the article, it overlooks the psychological aspects as the core cause for why anyone cheats. The three offered reasons may be true, but one’s intimacy issues, sex addictive patterns, relationship philosophy, values and mores, family of origin experiences, and sexual history all come in to play. Anyone who has more than one affair could have an addictive personality of intimacy avoidance…as approx 25% of men and 20% of women have affairs, it’s an option for the faithful to date within the other 75%. If not, counseling with a licensed psychotherapist is recommended.
face facts the reason people cheat in general is they are unhappy at home, sleep apart one of the partners doesn’t want sex so what do you do? do you stay or do you allow yourself the adventure? face facts it happens everyday.
I was married for 30 years,my youngest daughter and her boyfriend were sleeping in a tent in the front yard, I told them they weren’t sleeping in the house, I took a week of vacation and went to Daytona, came back and they were both in the house, my ex let them in. I work 3rd shift full time and worked daytime from 9 to 3 at a part time job, my daughter worked from 8 to 5. Wifey worked driving a school bus and was home with daughters boyfriend while we were gone. Two weeks after I got back from vacation I was told I had to go. Tell me what’s wrong with this picture.
“If two 21-year-old people decide to marry, they may indeed be forging a relationship that will last for the ages. The odds tell us that this relationship is very likely to fail. ”
Wow, really? Wrong! Last statistics I’ve seen, whether you first marry at 21, 31 or 41, your probability of the marriage lasting is nearly exactly the same.
That pretty much kills this author’s credibility before he got out of the gate.
I disagree. Especially if it’s pretty much their first serious relationhip together. But there are a few of course who can beat the odss.
@Jcase Marriage success does go up after the age of 25. Learned about in one of my psychology classes a little while ago.
I agree that some guys are more easily tempted and prone to cheating than others for sure! I’ve seen it many times first hand. Good article overall.
Thanks to everyone for their comments on this article. I really appreciate you taking the time to give us your thoughts. There are a couple that I feel deserve a response and rather than do multiple posts I’m going to try to put it all in one entry.
1. JCase attacks the idea that people who get married at 21 might have a higher divorce rate than someone that marries at, say, 40. He/She writes that, “Wrong! Last statistics I’ve seen, whether you first marry at 21, 31, or 41, your probability of the marriage lasting is nearly exactly the same.”
Below is a break-out of divorce rates based on when the marriages begins. You can see that the age of the people who marry does indeed matter.
Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States
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Age Women Men
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Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%
————————————————–
http://www.divorcepeers.com/statistics.htm
2. Many people have posted charges of sexism because this article is about men cheating. We get this same response whenever we post anything that deals with a problem from one perspective i.e. women who nag, men who are commitment phobes, women who are golddiggers, etc. Writing an article about men who cheat, makes no statement about female infidelity one way or the other. It certainly doesn’t claim that women are always faithful. We all know that both genders cheat, but this particular article is about a single topic – male infidelity. We’ve written about women who cheat in the past, and we’ll do it again in the future, but this isn’t that article.
3. Some readers have expressed shock that this particular blog post is “just my opinion”. Yes, if you look through the blog section of this site there are many opinions. It is not an uninformed opinion, but it is my perspective on the issue. The articles that we publish on advice.eharmony.com are not, typically, just opinion. Although on occasion we’ve had guest writers who just share their thoughts on an issue. This blog, and many others, are mainly the personal opinions of the blogger. You’re free to agree or disagree.
4. Some readers believe that I’ve ignored the integrity of the man as an important factor in whether he might cheat. Certainly if he is a man who is able to attract a partner for his infidelity, then his character will be the determining factor as to whether he will cheat. I do mention in the article that a “sexual guy COULD be a monument to fidelity.” That said, it’s very hard for a woman who is choosing a man to gauge his character. I’m willing to bet that a huge percentage of the women who have been devastated by a cheating spouse believed him to be a man of character. Isn’t that why they chose him in the first place?
5. For the record, I am certain that many men can be attractive and faithful. If that seems unclear. I apologize.
6. Some of called the article useless, or stupid, or silly, so let me tell you why I wrote it. When I think about the single women friends* I have who are searching for men there is a common tendency among them to be impressed by men who are “great with women”. These men are suave, charming, sexy, and generally able to attract and pick-up women quite easily. I’ve heard my friends say, “He’s so hot,” and “He’s the whole package,” as a way of saying, “I really want to be with a man like that.” These women have a tendency to ignore normal men, geeky men, reserved men because those guys don’t demonstrate a suave nature around women. Reserved men sometimes have an inherent awkwardness that these women look down upon.
What I’ve tried to tell these women is that since you want a long term relationship and someone to love and be faithful to you, please beware of the man who has learned how to seduce women with great ease. Once he has learned that trick, it may be hard for him to turn it off. Is that fair? Maybe not. Maybe there is a great seducer of women who is a faithful loving man, and now I’ve besmirched his good name. But, as I outlined in my piece when you’re talking to the people you love…your children, your friends, your family…and they want advice you have to tell them where you think their best odds lay, and not worry so much about the other people in the scenario.
I’m not suggesting that they look for an ugly man with no social skills. Rather, they should consider the man who may not be Mr. Smooth as a man who is a diamond in the rough.
*Typical single female friends – 28 to 40, professionals, urban, attractive.
All the comments are interesting. However the author bases his conclusion on a flawed inference. He attempts to leap from an idea that a good looking, sexually desirable, well traveled male is more likely to cheat than one who is not. Ergo, Girls, take that into account when you choose your mate. The better conclusion, based on the premises stated, would be “Girls, if you are afraid of flying with a potential cheater, then by all means, select a beer bellied, out of work loser who couldn’t get excited by a naked Jennifer Anniston.
The author completely forgets, ignores, and/or avoids the topic of ethics and morality. While it’s true that a smooth-talking, sexually-energetic guy (or woman) with the right opportunities is probably more likely, his (or her) morality is the number one factor in how he (or she) will live his (or her) life. It’s a choice made in advance before a tempting situation presents itself. Further, a smart man sees and avoids environments and situations that will destroy his marriage – he runs as fast as he can from those things. It doesn’t come naturally – it’s a choice.