Comments on: Why Getting Married Later in Life is the Best Thing We’ve Ever Done

By: Anne

Anne — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:36:57 +0000

I am 34 now, and have been ready to get married for about 7 years now. I have a steady job, have almost paid off my house. The issue I see is the most men aren’t serious about relationships or marriage. I’ve been dating the same guy for 3 years and he is very kind and a wonderful guy, but has no ambition, and earns just a little over minimum wage. He does not want to get married until he has a better job and can support kids. It breaks my heart to think about breaking up with him over money, but has no plans to get a better job- it’s just not his personality. He’s very slow, easy going, kind, etc. I’m the ambitious one.

The guys I dated before him were pretty much just out to screw around, regardless of what they said; so I’m not looking forward to dating again. But I feel like I have to go for it now or I will just end up dating him for another 10 years, and we will still be in the same place.

By: jackie

jackie — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:25:36 +0000

Michele, I agree with you on the aspect of there are older woman who are more healthy than their youngers. A woman in her 20s who is unhealthy could just as easily have a difficult pregnancy as a woman in her 30s, and even have a hard time getting pregnant to begin with. It is also my understanding, that in the majority of circumstances, it has been proven that biologically the older a woman gets, the higher risk of a difficult pregnancy and/or birth defects. Some of the factors you brought up are important to know and I am sure that the doctor agrees with you. I would say that he/she was only responding directly to this article, not just pregnancy ages in general.

By: Seriously?

Seriously? — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:50:05 +0000

I completely agree with what Michael has to say. Saying people need to “grow up sooner” is absurd. Also, why? What is the point? Not to mention, Dr. Jones and co, you’re forgetting that natural conception is not the only option. There are a whole lot of children who need homes out there- adoption is a healthy maternal option at any age.

I just turned 30. I’ve travelled and worked all over the world and I’ve always been considered extremely “mature for my age”- but at 24, I got into a relationship for the wrong reasons (“all of my friends are in serious relationships or getting engaged- i guess I should too… and this hot guy wants me, so I should probably go for it.”) and it was an emotionally abusive, miserable few years.

Now, I’m the healthiest, happiest, and most emotionally stable I’ve ever been. My parents had my brother at 36 and he is the healthy, smart and charming. My godmother had her kids after 37 and they are both beautiful, delightful, intelligent girls… Yes, fertility declines at 35 and yes there are risks, but there are also risks to taking an aspirin. It doesn’t mean it’s a guaranteed outcome that happens to everyone.

By: Michael

Michael — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:40:21 +0000

Asking someone to grow up (emotionally) sooner is pretty much the same as asking them to grow up physically sooner. It takes what it takes. Saying anything else is pretty condescending and unreasonable.

Comparing it to the past is also far too simplistic. Delaying marriage to 35 was unthinkable when your lifespan was 40 and infant mortality meant most children died. In other words there was no choice. If you waited that long your children wouldn’t expect to have their parents live past their fifth or tenth birthday. Only recently has delaying children even been a choice.

Now taking your assertion in todays environment. There are advantages to both sides. Obviously with two healthy people a woman between the ages of 20-29 is likely to have less problems than one 30-39. Still I think that is more than offset by the improvement in medicine with the emotional and financial stability of an older parent.

By: larry

larry — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:35:25 +0000

I married late (38) after finishing all my schooling. I met a woman 14 years my junior who saw the daily stresses my job placed upon me. For 3 years, I felt totally mature and self-aware and empathetic. For 3 years, I discussed with her our differences in age ,religion, life experiences. We were married for 15 years, now with 4 beautiful children. When problems arose, it was I who always suggested counseling. Now, after divorce, I see all the times how she spent more time on emotionally distancing herself from me than working on the marriage. I was going through age related life changes, financial hardships and living with a spouse who withdrew or overreacted to every bad news situation. I felt no support, so I too withdrew emotionally. After 2-3 years of severe emotional separation and loneliness, I had to take a job 100 miles away from our home and children for financial solvency. I came home every other wkend. Within 8 weeks, I was told, “I don’t love you anymore. I want a divorce”. 2 months later she had a “friend” the kids told me about. They are still together after almost 3 years. He is 10 years older than she.
I am sure she went through some tough emotional times, post partum depression, absent husband (a doctor) and perhaps in her early 40s rebelled against the idea of aging, wanted an independent new life, not as a spouse, mother, middling aged woman.
I am still in love with her, yes a lot of things I don’t like, but still in love even though she has a new life and relationship. I was always devoted to the family and faithful to her. Now I feel punished, my children and the dream of a loving traditional family unit ripped away from me. No discussion, just unilateral “See ya”.
She was unable to open up and discuss for many years. She projected all kinds of control issues, unfaithfulness thoughts, lack of trust, ???mental abuse???.
Typically, I brood over all the things i “could have done” to recognize the problems at the time and try to intervene to sustain our marriage. I know that is wasted emotional self blame, but I can’t let go.
The only time she communicates with me, even though we both agree that a strong mutual sharing of the kids occur, (gotta give her credit for that), is when she wants money. Otherwise she NEVER contacts me for news of the kids or anything else. Intellectually, I understand she has “moved on”. My problem…..no closure.
MY POINT. No matter how mature we think we are, no matter how open and communicative we are, Life and Love is a crap shoot. Sorry to be so cynical. I am still in love.

By: Christina

Christina — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:53:19 +0000

I like this article, women in my mother’s and grandmother’s generation were all married before 25 or were considered an “old maid”. I am so thankful things are changing. I just turned 31 and while I would love to someday marry a wonderful man to make a life with, I am in certainly no rush to marry just anyone and get divorced. Plenty of my high school and college friends are divorced or remarried or single moms. I have no pets or children and come and go as I please and travel whenever I want and I have the money to spend on myself. I think that getting married young when you barely know who you are and what you want is silly. In my 20s I was going out on plenty of dates and having a blast so I know what I do want as a life partner now and hopefully we will have some kids too.

By: Avin

Avin — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:03:20 +0000

As I was reading this blog what was going through my mind was exactly what Dr.Jones in the comments section(what a nice name for a Dr.!!) had to say.

I think young men and women (esp. with their new found financial freedom together with the influence of media) today are focusing more on having fun and personal gratification at the cost of having an emotionally fulfilling life. I guess the guys are happy because it works for them (??)

Anyway the bottom line is for girls and boys to realize that they need to be grown-up in their 20′s, not learn by 30′s by making mistakes. This is especially true if you desire kids.

There is staggering medical evidence connecting maternal and paternal age to a child’s health esp for conditions such as down’s syndrome, autism etc. No wonder that these conditions are on the rise in our society.

By: Becky

Becky — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:15:40 +0000

Great point, Dr. Jones. I agree that marrying later in life may not be the solution as much as becoming more mature and wise to relationships.

By: Michele

Michele — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:57:00 +0000

That’s just bogus. I am so sick of people suggesting that a woman over 35 is not going to have a healthy pregnancy. Fact is there are plenty of people who abuse their bodies and are overweight that are having babies in their twenties. And no one writes as much about them. I think women over 30 are healthier and care more about themselves emotionally and physically. Thus making them prime candidates for motherhood. My body is healthier than any 20 year olds. I run marathons, eat vegetarian and have a positive outlook on life. So, Dr. Jones, while you may be a doctor, you might want to consider ways to be more supportive of bright, healthy women who choose to have a stable life to bring a child into and praise them. I would say it is much better than some of our younger women bringing children into the world when they are still learning about themselves and may have no education, little money and a lack of self esteem.

By: Dr. Jones

Dr. Jones — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 22:26:34 +0000

While it’s true that relationship flourish when both parties are more mature, the solution is not to wait until you ‘grow up,’ but rather to grow up sooner. Generations used to do it before us, what’s the problem now?

The problem with growing up slowly is that our lives pass us by. The previous poster mentioned children thrive when they have mature parents. This is true but keep in mind how quickly fertility drops and how quickly fetal mutation/malformation rates go up for women by the time they reach 35.