I get asked a lot of relationship-themed questions given where I work, and one of them is from women with boyfriends who want to know how long to wait for the ring. These aren’t women who have been dating for two months, but rather women who are in long-term relationships. They have seemingly great mates who have jobs and call their moms and open doors to restaurants- but haven’t yet popped the question. The relationship is traveling into their third (or sixth) year and nothing is wrong per se, except these girls would like to take the relationship to the next level and their men have yet to agree. Are these guys patient or just stringing them along? How long should they wait?
As it turns out, there isn’t a lot of recent research on the courtship length prior to marriage. Decades ago the statistics ranged from six to fourteen months. Ted Huston, a leading researcher on transitions in relationships, marriage and parenthood, followed couples for 13 years starting in 1979. He states in his study that happily married couples dated for approximately 25 months before getting married. Unhappy couples were split into two groups. Couples who were unhappily married soon after they said “I do” and quickly divorced more often married at or after three years. Couples who fell fast in love were engaged after nine months, and married after 18 months. These couples usually made it to their seventh anniversary before divorcing sometime later. Is there a difference between couples that met recently and those in Huston’s study?
Currently I co-run a longitudinal study of marriage and family development, started in 2008 and ongoing, and the answers couples gave me about their engagement ranged from several months to several years. On average, the couples in my study decided to marry 2.8 years after they first showed romantic interest (many couples knew each other before they dated, but that isn’t counted). This may reflect growing trends in the delay of marriage. Much has changed in the last thirty years, and those in my study are still reporting general satisfaction in their marriages. There is actually a lower divorce rate now than in the 80s, and what marriage means on a societal level is also changing. Only time will tell how modern marriages are growing and changing from those started long ago.
What do these timelines mean for you still waiting for your man to propose? I’m a believer that couples can have independent timetables from those stated above depending on their circumstances, but partners need to have a mutual agreement and understanding about the future timeline of the relationship in order to survive- and that agreement needs to be upheld. However, if you are asking yourself “when is he going to propose already?!” the deadline has probably already passed. You’ve probably picked up on an inequity in he relationship, and one (or more) of your needs is not being met. You might even be filling your thoughts with anxiety and frustration about the future of your relationship. The issue of how long to wait for the ring might be a decision point for you. If not, you may find yourself like Jennifer Aniston’s character in Bruce Almighty (she repeats this long-suffering role in “He’s Just not that Into You”) whose boyfriend needs literal divine intervention from God to get him to propose. In real life God doesn’t make such obvious house calls.
Before bringing up the proposal conversation, ask yourself these four questions:
Can you accept your relationship as it is, and remove/ give-up the expectation of marriage? Many women are interested in getting married simply because it’s validated by society, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a ring in order to be happy and have children. Many couples are choosing to cohabit as an alternative to or dress rehearsal for marriage. Research is mixed as to whether couples who live together prior to marriage are as satisfied as those that waited until after marriage. Most say living together prior to getting engaged has less promising outcomes, but this might not reflect changing cultural acceptance.
If not, are you ready or willing to take a stand for what you want? Read this question as- are you strong enough to leave? On one hand creating an ultimatum for your partner rarely motivates romance. And pressing someone for marriage might be brushing over the issues that keep him from proposing in the first place. Couples who have more conflict in a long courtship often deteriorate faster after marriage, and if you are already fighting or tense because of this issue, it might be best to address it now. You are not a used car salesman trying to get rid of shoddy goods. It might hurt to be alone, but it’s better for you in the long run than being in an unhappy marriage.
What are the issues that might be holding him back? Are these worth addressing, accepting, or rejecting? If you are focused on the subject, are you missing issues sitting just on the periphery? Is the timing an issue? On one hand, if either of you are still in college or graduate school and not financially stable it might not be a good idea. But a 30-something guy in a multi-year relationship with a steady job doesn’t have that same excuse.
Finally, can you wait it out? Maybe he really is just saving up his pennies and has a plan in place. This is, as you already know, one of the biggest decisions out there and shouldn’t be done hastily. If you are prone to feel anxiety during ambiguous situations, it might just be that feeling getting the best of you. Sometimes the desire to get engaged drives women to think and do things that their more rational side would dismiss. Bringing up this topic might start the trouble you were hoping to avoid.
You’ll have to search your heart and your head for these answers. If you choose to address these with your partner, bring them up gently when you both have time to discuss these issues.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
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Jonathan Beber, — M.A.
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I think it has to do with the couple and the communication they have on expectations… if both are on the samge page about the timeline and such, it’s more likely they will succeed?
i thnk putin’ o evn considarin’ a tym lyn z a recipy 4 succes!
So that didn’t even make sense, nor did it even say anything conprehensible.
Is that English?
heck yes!!!! only the couple can say
After a year or so all trust issues should be settled. If not there is no relationship. Perhaps at that time it is a topic to take up for discusssion
I don’t really think this article is all that great. Articles like this get people thinking in the wrong direction about their relationship or marriage. It’s not even worth reading… and if you did…
To be honest, if are reading this just to get an answer as to how long you yourself should wait, then you aren’t making your decision to get married the right way.
My conclusion– How long you wait to get married really has no correlation with how happy you’ll be and getting people thinking about something as meaningless as when they get engaged draws their attention from more functional and meaningful aspects of their relationship that need to be improved if they want to be more happy about their relationship.
Also…
Timing of things is meaningless. the dynamics involved that cause unhappiness in a relationship are most important and meaningful, not the timing. Let’s not get distracted with the timing of your engagement or marriage!
If you’re getting engaged because you feel like you “have to”, then don’t get engaged. Follow your feelings AND gut feeling/intuition with things while at the same time logically taking into consideration your goals, phase of the relationship, and overall satisfaction. For example, if you are still infatuated with them, you should not get married in my opinion. Many people make the mistake of either being pressured to get engaged or become engaged out of sheer infatuation– infatuation that can last up to 1 year after the first date. If you find it hard to be communicative, open, honest, vulnerable, and so on and find yourself withholding negative feelings from them, then you do not want to get married (or engaged) unless you work those things out. I’ll explain more.
This article is an example of how science tries to make light of something broad that is too complex and detailed to analyze with numbers and then make generalizations about to fit things within certain analytical criteria. Every couple is so unique that you can’t just put them “in a box” or generalize them. Science misses the mark again.
To me, regardless of when a couple gets engaged, what really determines whether they will be happy and will remain married is how well they– stay honest, communicate, stay in touch with their own feelings, respect themselves, and value themselves. If you don’t respect yourself, then you won’t respect others, thus if you have little respect for feelings, it’s no wonder why you cannot respect and respond to other’s feelings the right way. This should also be the determining fact as to when they should get engaged.
The times that I am most happy with my significant other, we are always VERY– open, communicative, honest, and most vulnerable (including being brutally yet respectfully honest about feelings which many people are afraid to be). The second you stop communicating about feelings is the second you get into a perpetual downward cycle in your relationship wherein more and more unresolved negative feelings get in-between you and your partner only to eventually leave both feeling distanced from each other, like they no longer are loved or love them, and that the relationship has no excitement or spark… geez, if you let negative emotions pile up without taking them through and gaining resolution, it’s no wonder why so many people get divorced. But, communication, honesty, self-respect, openness, and being willing to be vulnerable are the things you have to value most and see as most important, because if you don’t, then those negative emotions won’t just disappear into thin air. Negative emotions that you have towards someone (from anger, to boredom, to hurt) don’t just go away or disappear into thin air, they stay there for good until you acknowledge them, communicate them, address them, and work towards a solution to get resolution to them. And if you don’t value communication, openness, vulnerability, and brutal honesty, you will just stay miserable.
The truth is, regardless of when you get engaged or married–if you’re married–then the day you got engaged is a thing of the past that you cannot change nor should solely make conclusions from. ***Just remember that if you are unhappy, you CANNOT do the same thing over and over again over the years in your relationship and expect different results.***
Point made. This article is meaningless to me. Sorry to be a debbie downer or negative nancy lol.
I think 2 years is a good time to consider popping the question, but if the man hasn’t done it by the time you have been together three years it might be time for the woman to ask for clarification. Then she has to decide for herself how to proceed. She should in no way consider herself needy if she expects to be married after this time, and should resist any attempts by the man to make her feel so. she wants what she wants and it isn’t unreasonable. But in the end both have got to want the same thing. She should avoid pressurising a man into marriage. She can leave, that is OK but the worst thing is for a man to cave in under pressure.It is never going to give you the feeling that a man really loves you and it might be a quick path to a divorce. If though it is just that the man hasn’t really thought about it then a discussion could help. If he needs things to change in your relationship ( e.g. for you to be more compatible) then move on now.
I think it’s important that in the beginning of a relationship that each person makes it clear to the other person what their long-term goals are … marriage or not. If you both say you want it then I can see where waiting for years and years may cause some problems if things seem to be working out between the people, but I can’t understand why people seem to think that marriage should be the “goal” of a relationship. You can be in a totally committed relationship without ever being married. After all, being married isn’t a guarantee of “together forever” … what it is is a legal agreement that is problematic and costly to get out of if/when things don’t work out down the road. People really NEED to think about if they want to give up on an otherwise perfectly great relationship just to obtain that piece of paper and the title “wife” or “husband”. Marriage is no guarantee the other person will be in your life forever so think very carefully about how much importance you place on it.
Well, I will tell you that my boyfriend talked about marriage 4 months after we met. Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. We still are not married but this is due to other things. For example I live in New York and he lives in Italy. I have to finish school first.. etc. However,point being, I have heard from several dating books that if a man is serious he will make it very clear right from the get go. You will have met his family and all his friends.. he will have mentioned marriage etc. I think if you’ve been dating a few years and he’s never mentioned it.. tell him your keeping your options open for the one that asks you!
Any man who gives a ring to a woman (i.e., proposes marriage) is either a masochist or suicidal. Men get raped every day in divorce courts across the country. Any woman who demands a ring is either oblivious of men’s issues, or simply doesn’t give a damn about her man, or any other man. Welcome to the real world.
Why are women “waiting” on men to propose, when they could simply be the one’s to ask?
I was with my ex partner for 16 years. Twice I asked him to marry me and twice he said no – apparently I was too fat to get married at 70kgs! I left him
There is a lower divorce rate because there is a lower marriage rate. Couples are living together but not tying the knot. Many have decided the way to avoid divorce is to avoid marriage. I do not believe this is the way God intended.
If he’s waiting “too” long to pop the question ask yourself one thing….”why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I hear that a lot, but then, why women had to put up with anyone’s crap?, remember, the No commitment policy runs both ways, that’s why many guys say women are difficult, but if I hear that you are not ready to hold my back and be there no matter what, why should I?, and why should I have to “waste” my time with you if I can do other things instead?, my attitute is, I do my things, if you want ot follow me, fine but I’m not bending my needs over yours.
Forgot to add that yes, you can have milk but that’s why you are changing cows every so often, if you really want a “relationship”, you have to earn it with COMMITMENT, otherwise, I will use you too!.
So basically, waiting 10 years is..waiting too long? That’s how long I waiting before I finally gave up and left!
I think that is my future, but this is year 7 and I promised myself last year I wouldn’t take it past 7! My BF is this type: if you say you will end the relationship because of XYZ or back me into a corner then I will do what you want. But I happen to think I deserve better than that. I want to marry someone who wants to marry me … without feeling like he has to do it as a matter of recourse. I’m worth more than that.
Why are women “waiting” for men to ask them? Two people are in the relationship. Would it be so horrible if a women expressed her feelings to a man and asked him if he felt the same and would marry her?
The idea that we “women” are intelligent individuals but still subject ourselves to the idea that we must “wait for him to propose” bothers me.
PROPOSAL, FUNNY WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE WOULD BE THAT DESPERATE. HAVE FUN PATRICIA.
*Wait for the ring* ??
This certainly is not the best attitude.
And relationship time-frame is irrelevant (in most cases)
If the relationship is on solid ground, perhaps a ring IS around the corner. However, I’ve been witness to too many “expectancies”. There is generally a good reason the man hasn’t ‘popped the question’; finances, love, the relationship itself.
How about a twist on things? A close gf of mine waited what seemed (to her) endless time for BF of 2 yrs to “pop the question”. When I had a moment to chat with him about their Relationship, he told me he did love her but wasn’t a hundred percent that marriage was in the works “right now”. However, she had subtly dropped a few hints along the way. When any man begins feeling that way, it’s a dead-on hint. And not necessarily ‘cold feet’. Again – engagement should have no time-frame.
If the relationship is right, then let things move as they will.
Marriage is a life-time commitment. Anyone knows that. There could be any factor involved regarding a non-proposal.
How many of us have known couples who ‘went for it’, only to end up settling for love instead of knowing they are/were a good fit. It happens every day.
Any wonder the divorce rate is what it is.
I have a co-worker who has been “dating” this guy for 5 years. She has never met any of his family. Not parents, not children; He lives out of town, and when she goes to visit him she stays at a hotel – she’s never been to his house. Yet she insists they will “eventually marry”.
In my 40′s, I fell in love that led to a 10 yr relationship the last four years was a long distance relationship. Then I relocated for him moving away from my kids and family. Living with him for just 8 months was awful. I realized he was a drunk and a coward and that I wasn’t for him, so I left and returned home.
I am waiting for him to ask because I am traditional. However, we have known each other 7 years, dating exclusively for 3 years. For me, it is beyond the time. When I hint at it, you can feel him clam up without even saying anything. He won’t have an open conversation about it. So I conclude he doesn’t want to marry me. One thing is for sure, my mama didn’t raise a fool. I am still with him now, but when I meet someone more in line with my dreams, I am leaving. Or, if my school and work happen to take me to another state, it’s good bye! My question to you is, should I end the relationship now, or wait until I meet someone or move from the area. That’s my struggle. I haven’t a lot of dating experience.
He’s great, but I am the marrying kind.
Also, my feeling is, if the man cannot address this obvious issue when it arises and communicate what is going on in his head, then perhaps that’s a red flag to move on.
ALSO … LOL .. I feel when the man or woman starts getting the stirring in their gut that it’s time to ask/be asked, that means it’s time to ask/be asked.
Well I think the wrong thing is thinking like the relationship has an expiration date. Things happen naturally someday but adding timelines for me does not work. Relationship is not a work with timelimes and schedules. If both feel like they are made for each other that will happen. Adding timelines just add fustration to the couple and in case a marriage happens, the person who pushed will be always insecure. I am been in a relationship for five years, we love each other, we are doing great that if that happens is just a plus. I enjoy day by day.
by the way I would like to add something more. This guy which family lives far away – North Dakota- invite me this Christmas to meet his family. So I think my patience and my lack of stress has been paid off. He called me every day and support me in almost everything. What I did? Just nothing, act natural, enjoy every day with him like this could be my last day, understanding he is a person with feelings and no a person I am pushing and get dissapointed for everything. In that way I am been more than happy. My main thinking is I love him so much, that I enjoy TODAY, if tomorrow we get married will be a plus but this will not stop feeling me happy TODAY with him.
Before any guy decides to pop the question he needs to sit down with a divorce attorney and hear what could possibly happen to him should the marriage fail. It would be an eye opening experience and allow the man to make an informed decision. I know it sounds cold but that it reality folks. Divorce can be devastating to both parties but a man can really get screwed especially if kids are involved.
I feel that women as a whole want to get married moreso than men. Therefore, I’ve never been a big believer in a woman asking the man. I feel that you’d be pushing him into a life long commitment he doesn’t necessarily want to make. If he gets squirmy when you bring up marriage, he doesn’t want to do it or isn’t ready for it. Don’t pressure him by repeatedly asking, hinting, or trying to set dates. Guaranteed your marriage will be over before you know it if he hadn’t fully made up his mind by himself before committing. You want a guy to marry you because he WANTS you to be his wife, not just because he’s trying to make you happy and stop nagging him.
Am in a relationship now for 6yrs..
The relationship is I could say very simple. calm. not too much pressure. we care and respect each other allot. everything is fine so far..
Don’t get me wrong, am not in a hurry to get married. But my age is not. Am 32 and am worried that what if more years will come and before I know it am 40 and my partner is still not asking.. am I not wasting time then with him???
I don’t want to end up 40′s or 50′s alone… and look back that I wasted my youth in doin’ nothing. But I don’t want to pressure my guy either. I want things to flow naturally without force..
So what to do in this situation?!?!
JP(“,)