You know the drill: you meet cute somewhere. You go out. You have a wonderful time: laughing, sharing common interests and making ironic statements about popular culture. You might have even shared a kiss (or more) as a nightcap. In a phrase: you clicked! Or at least you thought as much, but here you are six days later and no call, text or email. Your date seems to have moved on- but why haven’t you? Why do the memories of certain dates haunt us longer than the date itself?
One theory is simply that of narrative incompleteness. When you open yourself to the start of a potential relationship by going out on a date (or a few) – and it goes well- you often visualize the entire relationship (or at least all the good parts) based on this experience. This is called the narrative. Some may have even tried to figure out which features are going to get inherited in the future children. In essence, you get carried away in your narrative. The reality of early dating often comes back to stomp on the daydream. It ruins our story! And research has found that continued distress comes out of an individual’s inability to construct a narrative ending to the experience. Since you don’t know why he hasn’t called, you think you can’t finish the story. So you review, recount, and generally ruminate about why a good date didn’t grow into something more.
When a person doesn’t call, it’s important to finish the story on their behalf. Providing a complete account of the story is going to give you a deeper awareness and understanding of why it didn’t work out (even if it was just one date). You can reflect on the situation without the sting of the emotions, eliciting a clearer understanding of what happened. While it might be harsh to conclude that your date just didn’t feel the same potential about a relationship, placing a finale on the story allows you to establish a sense of control, closure, and increase in self esteem. It doesn’t matter that the specific reason is coming from you, and not the vanished date. In the end they didn’t call because they weren’t the right date for you. Telling a complete story elevates you from hapless character in a comedy of errors to author of your own dating destiny.
Read more about what to include in a narrative that helps you let go….
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Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
thank you so much !!!!
This is a good article. I am not sure why it hurts except perhaps that you go on a date to meet someone that has similar qualities and get disappointed if they don’t see the same thing.
As you get older, you get bolder.
I’m turning 54 and I just don’t leave the ball in their court anymore. Cause really, it’s their loss if they don’t call. They are the ones who could have had the most awesome life with a magnificent person. You! So, just move on..You’re doing all the right things. You are happy and complete in yourself and cause you are so wonderful, someone more emotionally intelligent is going to take note of the beautiful treasure you are and hang onto a good thing when they’ve got it.
They know that if they don’t snap you up that someone else will. Be THAT person.
Happy and confident. And because you are these things, you can’t help but attract all sorts of dates. The neighbours will all be a buzz as to how many beaus come knocking at your door when your not around and they all leave a little sad that they missed you. Be strong! Be you! The best is yet to come!
Stephanie you are awesome! I loved your response and I just wanted to let you know! I hope to be able to feel that way about me soon! Good luck to you in all of this dating stuff!
I agree, Stephanie! What you stated is my goal. I’m 46, but I haven’t been dating very long, relatively speaking. After 18 years of marriage and 5 years of it being over for good, dating these past 2+ years has been a crash course. Thanks for your encouragement!
Thank you Stephanie! I think so many times, we base our self worth on the responses of others (or the lack of response). Thanks for the reminder that we all have plenty to offer and should not settle.
Stephanie,
Your comments are so positive and uplifting, I plan to spread them to my friends on the dating scene (including myself). What great advise!
Yes, it is unbelievably sad that in this age of equality, women still haven’t figured out how to pick the phone and call a guy themselves. They expect a man to do something they themselves have no intention of ever doing. I figure if a woman can’t call me as often as I call her, then she’s either disinterested or dishonest.
There are those of us who feel more feminine to have the man call us in the beginning stages. Some women enjoy being pursued. And I would think that men would enjoy pursuing. I guess for some, it’s not a pleasure.
Depends. If you expect a man to pursue in the face of feigned disinterest, then you’re asking for someone who doesn’t care about your feelings.
If you expect a man to pursue when you’ve made it obvious you want to be chased, then that’s more of a test of whether they can take charge of their lives and go for what they want.
On the other hand, these days some men might test you the same way. Are you a floppy girl who bends with the smallest breeze, or do you have similar strength to reach for what you want?
You have heard that thing about men being the pursuer, right? It’s based on science. I wouldn’t call a man and I wouldn’t respect a man who expects ME to call HIM for a second date. That isn’t how a successful relationship works.
This seems like a silly amount of overanalyzing. Do we really need an explanation of why it’s disappointing when someone who you like doesn’t like you back?
Madanthony, maybe it’s be a good idea for you to read Mars & Venus Go On a Date. It’s a GREAT resource for learning to understand the opposite sex.
Because some of us actually feel hurt and disappointed when someone we like doesn’t feel the same way about us. I guess we’re human.
This article is SPOT ON!!! Way to go Heather! Or maybe you’ve had a hidden cam reading my thoughts in some way.
THANK YOU for helping me out psychologically so I can let this date GO & so I can move on!
I used to think and act on the women calling men if interested thing…. Honestly, I’ve not met a men who is confident enough to take that call from me. One man I dated for a year told me he felt I was pursuing him by once every few months phone call. And he hasn’t called, emailed, or any sort since may. What do I do in this situation? Definately not calling him….
You are all forgetting why this happens – the men just trick you into bed and then leave the next day because they got what they wanted…can even happen on a 2nd date. Many people’s agendas are as simple as upping their bed notch count.
This was a great article. I would highly recomment that every woman read “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. After I read this book it opened my eyes so much. I just recently went on a date and talked with a man and we really seemed to click. We both called each other and I thought things were going well. One day he called and acted differently. His voice carried the tone of “How do I get rid of her without making her angry?” I immediately realized that he just wasn’t that into me. It hurt but it’s the way the dating game goes. Anything in life worth having is going to take much hard work to attain. And I realize that I’m looking for an awesome man who truly loves me and wants to be with me. Finding this awesome man is going to take work and time. But this book is empowering. It allows you to see traits that let you know “He just doesn’t like me that way. It’s ok. Now I can free myself and him and move on to find the man who does like me
”
It’s never too late! I just turned 80 and still think about how good it is to be in a meaningful woman/man relationship. I hope there’s someone out there for me because, I have a lot of love to give someone, whom I believe God will send.
I personally think why can’t they just say, sorry or I like you but I don’t think this is working. But to just stop and never hear from them again is cold. Also I think its different when its someone you meet somewhere rather then on line. You just don’t get to know someone by just always texting or emailing its not the same. I could be totally wrong but that is just my thoughts.
Steven I don’t wait on a guy to call. But they don’t always answer or return calls/texts. I guess cause they don’t want to hurt the others feelings. I would rather be told what it was about me they didn’t like rather than someone just disappear. Yes I have told guys what I don’t like about them rather than wimp out & ignore them.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few gameplayers out there, getting your hopes up, leading you to believe they are right there with you, when all the while they were looking for a sexual release or just someone to waste time with. It’s reality.
I’m 42 and what most say is a good looking guy. Let me be the first to say ladies, that it’s my belief that women put too mucs emphasis on the guy making all the moves to get things going because he is a guy. But I also don’t understand why women fight for equality in every other area of life except when it comes to dating. I don’t mind persuing a women or taking honors in the first serve of the match as long as the serve is returned by my playing partner. If she shows interest in being persued great. Otherwise I feel like I’m offering a serve to an empty side of the court! Then I’m done!
No… there are special circumstances. Textsing , email…there are so many different ways to communicate. If she prefers phonecall she has to let me know.
I care about her deeply and didn’t call because my work place is sheilded …so u get used to texting and emailiing a( no cell signal in or out) after so many years of working there it’s a habit
so no phone messaage get thru. unless she calls my office It did n’t occur to me she wanted a phone call .
I thought of a future with her to….maybe kids , hanging out to see the sunset…holding her in my arms and not letting go.
but she doiesn’t believe me. she thinks i wishy washy or mind games and i lost her before even really trying… a misundersatnding. So u thinks it hurts not calling…well it hurts when something special is missed and gone w/o a fair chance for possiblities of something beautiful… and yes i am a guy . writing this…not a girl
Its all about timing, yet timing is impossible to tell, if we call to late the woman doesnt care to see you anymore, if you call to early, she freaks out and tells all of her friends that your “creepy” when you had no bad intentions at all. And if the man lives in a small town might he as well move. One gossiping women can ruin your reputation within an entire social circle. Thats one reason why guys dont “pursue” its better to be alone than to be thought of as a scumbag when you didnt do anything but what she asked for.