There was a blog post in Psychology Today yesterday that had the provocative title “Sorry eHarmony, Compatibility Can be then Most Overrated Factor in Relationship Building”.
Ouch….
I am always interested in articles like this. Does the author believe that compatibility is not important? Or is the author simply misinformed about what eHarmony actually does. In this case, it’s clearly the latter.
When you read the blog carefully Dr. Heisler comes to the conclusion that compatibility on certain things is actually very important. Some of the areas he says you should pay attention to are conflict resolution, sleeping, spending money, recreation, spirituality, eating, and pastimes. When you look at eHarmony’s 29 Dimensions® of Compatibility, you find: Conflict Resolution, Physical Energy (i.e., likelihood to sleep a lot or a little), and Traditionalism (which has a big aspect of spirituality or religiosity). There are also closely related characteristics like Industriousness and Ambition, which relate to how you view money and hard work, and Sociability, which helps drive the interests and pastimes you have. In fact, most of the things that Dr. Heisler proposes are important are taken into account in our matching system.
But his argument is a bit more subtle in two ways. First he states that two individuals who are exactly alike often get bored with their relationship, which implies that eHarmony wants to match people who are exactly alike.
That is utterly ridiculous. Every person is an individual; no two people are exactly alike. Even identical twins raised in the same environment are different from each other in many ways. eHarmony’s matching system matches people who have generally similar personality traits, values, and beliefs that are core to who they are as a individuals. When partners share these traits they see the world in the same way and understand each other better, that makes a relationship easier. When people are opposites on characteristics and values that are important to them they may end up debating those differences time and again. While that can be exciting at first eventually it just becomes exhausting. As we like to say “Opposites attract, and then they attack”
Compatibility isn’t really about shared affinities. Things like hobbies, interests and activities. More often sharing some of the same interests and hobbies promotes interpersonal chemistry between two people. When these are shared it makes two people want to talk to each other. Over time, partners tend to adopt some of each other’s interests. But whether you pick up a new fondness for hiking or skiing with your partner probably will not fundamentally change how you interpret the world around you.
Dr. Heisler also makes another excellent point, that only certain aspects of compatibility are important at certain times in a relationship. For example, it is fairly well known that differences in how partners resolve conflict can lead to a destructive cycle in a long term relationship. When one partner wants to engage, even to the point of nagging, and the other wants to avoid conflict it can lead the couple to a cycle of demand/withdraw when they try to resolve conflict. This can be very damaging to a relationship. But if you don’t have conflict this won’t be a problem. Early in marriage couples are often very satisfied and don’t report high levels of conflict, so this difference doesn’t impact the relationship. But then imagine when kids come along, and spouses now have less money, less time for each other, and less sleep. Now disagreements on small things may grow quickly because couples are under stress and don’t have the right match of conflict resolution skills.
In the end Dr. Heisler wrote an excellent article on compatibility that reflects much of what we at eHarmony have thought for years. There are certain characteristics, values, and interests that you and your partner should be compatible on and certain times in a relationship that require different types of compatibility. If you don’t have a broad base of compatibility with your partner your relationship may not suffer today. But at some point down the road, it is likely the relationship will suffer from that incompatibility.
So Dr. Heisler you wrote an excellent blog. Now if only the title were correct…
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Compatability is definately important and I agree that certain areas of compatability can determine the success of a relationship, HOWEVER, Eharmony doesn’t understand that no matter how many things I might have in common with someone, if he looks like my father, dresses like my grandfather, and hasn’t been to the gym since Jack LaLanne had a TV show, we will not be compatable. Physical chemistry is the most important factor and Eharmony is doing a disservice to their customers by denying that fact. I’m just glad I got the 3 month special!
Pia, I agree with you, physical attraction is the most important factor, I have met 2 men from eharmony and I was told by both that I was too heavy, 1 match I keep checking to see if he closed me and so far he hasn’t. I am by no means thin but this is what the majority of the population wants is a thin to average, toned what ever person. I am neither. These men we had things in common but what was a deal breaker for them was that I am fat. yes fat. I have a 3 month subscription and won’t be renewing it. It saddens me that there are adds where these couples are all thin or average. They say it’s based on compatibly ect but it’s not You have to be physically attracted to the person. the person that hasn’t closed me yet. took a look at my profile but here he will not contact me. I have made attempts and it’s the same thing. I’m going to continue doing what I am. I say it’s all about the weight. The site may work for some but not all. I am one of them, yes I am coming across as being negative because I don’t expect to meet anyone from here and if I do, it will be a deal breaker because of weight. I didn’t wake up one morning and said ya I want to be fat. I have Crohns and to date it is somewhat under control, The meds I’m on, one of the side effects is weight gain. Why should I tell any one what my problem. It seems I’m suppose to disclose it this will be another deal breaker. Oh Well. sorry for rambling, I’m just soo fustrated.
Hey blue eyed girl, I’m sorry to hear that you are also having problems with EH and it was an eye opener for me to hear the perspective of an overweight woman. I am a fitness instructor so I haven’t dealt with the same exact issues as you but believe me, I’m not having any luck either. It’s disheartening to hear that the men on EH ( which I must say are some of the most unattractive men I’ve ever seen!) are just as superficial as men offline, although I guess I’m behaving in a superficial manner also. Does it make it okay because I’m a woman? Not sure, but I’m sure we can all agree that the attraction has to go both ways. I wish you the best of luck in your search and also your health. I can promise you this, Exercise is the answer! And it’s a great way to meet men. Lol. Good luck girl and don’t give up!
I agree with you, blue eyed girl……I am in the cattle business, have a college degree in business, not agriculture, I just plainly like my cows (I am a Taurus) and I am shunned by some who don’t realize I take a shower and put on clean clothes when I leave the barnyard….some people, even educated fools, are so shallow. signed, Cowgirl
This field is fuzzy at best. I think its fantastic you are continuing discourse despite the conditions. Compaibility isn’t rigidly defined but, eHarmony is laying groundwork so we may establish rapport with such a subject.
I agree that Psychology Today missed the mark when they attempted to rigidly (and adversarially) fit eHarmony’s actions into their own box. I also agree that the article would have been good if they removed the oppositional nature.
Great rebuttal!
We are all created differently, no DNA or body cells are alike in any one person on earth, even in twins, their body cells etc are still different. A partner cannot meet another partner’s expectations of 100% compatibility in a relationship as we are made differently. Yes we may certain areas of our relationship in which we are compatible in interests, hobbies, food, religious belief etc, but in others we are not as we have different family upbringings, cultural background, different education exposures and so on.. The only way for any partner to find 100 % compatibility is to ask the Creator of mankind to clone him/her another person like him/her…
@MsBluEyedGirl. Sweetheart, stop! Don’t you dare quit. Those two men are not worthy of you. Don’t apologize for who you are…celebrate it…flaunt it…if you do, you won’t be able to keep the men off you!!
Dr. Gonzaga-
Terrific response! I was thinking many of the same things when reading Dr. Geisler’s original article. As someone who is very interested in relationship research and the foundations behind the matching dimensions (I have read a few of the books written by Dr. Neil Clark Warren), I was baffled at how Dr. Geisler simultaneously misunderstood eHarmony’s method for determining compatibility while also (and perhaps, unknowingly) supporting it. His title certainly is not fitting either – maybe it was written as to intentionally create conflict, not sure. It was disappointing to see Psychology Today publish such a piece. In any case, I was happy to see your article provide clarity and look forward to reading your work in the future.
-Jake
Wow, I was blown away by the how opinionated and uninformed Dr. Heisler was. He has obviously not looked at eHarmony very closely. I was even more astounded at your response to his criticism. I am that much more confident in what is being done at eHarmony to match couples.
I think that compatibility is very important. Two people in a relationship must have the same ideas with regards to the core values – ex. money, marriage, kids, religion, education, etc. If they don’t have that, then the relationship will suffer. Things like a common interest in playing tennis, are not the compatibility we are talking about here.
And chemistry is important. There must be that click that goes both ways.
As for me, the compatibility often drives the attraction.
Sure, compatibility is very important. If you are very compatible in so many levels then good for you, but, if you are not physically attracted to them or don’t share the same intimate intensity, then he/she is your best friend or a very close good friend. Truth be told, biological attraction to procreate is very real and strong in choosing a partner, even subconsciously. Men’s driving choice are always visual, and would seek a healthy looking partner to pass it to his genetic offspring. Women value more men’s status/security for being a provider and a protector. There is just no way around it.