I recently stumbled across a “guide” for women on ehow that provides suggestions for how to “cheat-proof” your marriage. I decided to ask a small group of married women to comment on the suggestions. Here’s the eHow list of tips and the group commentary.
1. Nag less. A husband’s happiness is inversely proportional to the amount of nagging he receives at home. If you have trouble with this step, you can start by making a list of his most annoying behaviors–the ones you nag about–and cutting the list in half.
The discussion group here agrees. This is one of the painful sacrifices of marriage. Sure, you may be right, but you never “win” an argument with your spouse. If he is messy or annoying, you’ve got to be wise enough to come up with a manner of working through or around the problem that doesn’t make you the constant complainer. If he associates you with constant nagging, you’re in trouble.
2. Have sex, frequently. Assuming that your husband has a libido (surprisingly, there DO exist frigid husbands), make an effort to accept his advances. Even initiate sex once in a while. The more intimacy your husband gets from home, the less likely he will look for it outside the home.
The married women nodded in agreement with this one. It isn’t that a robust sex life is any guarantee against infidelity, but a wife that has little interest in sex can leave a man looking for a substitute.
3. Let your husband eat what he wants. Dietary nagging is still nagging, even if it’s for his own good. Husbands will follow from your example; just eat healthfully yourself, and he will change on his own.
4. Cook his favorite meals every week so that he looks forward to coming home.
It can be hard for women to understand a man’s attachment to food. It’s primal. The degree to which your man loves eating the food you cook is the degree to which he rushes home after work to eat it. These two points are big factors when it comes to creating a happy man.
5. Associate with happily married couples. They can be a good influence and remind your husband that being married is better than being single.
It has been said that when a married man dumps his wife, the most concerned parties are the wives of his male buddies. Of course, it can cut both ways. This newly single guy could either be complaining about the dating scene or telling fabulous stories to his married pals. There’s certainly no reason to shun single friends out of fear that they will be a bad influence, but having happy couples around is good reinforcement.
6. Don’t let problems with your children spoil your marriage. Remember, children grow up and leave home eventually, but your spouse is for life. Compromise on issues that are not serious. Typically, couples fight about the details of reward and punishment. So long as you agree that a child should be punished for an incident, the punishment itself is not that important.
Big nods all around. “Children are just passing through,” one woman said. A marriage that has the children as its center and main focus is risking the relationship that got it all started. Children should know that the love the parents share for each other is precious and honored. Some parents will say, “We don’t have the time to go on dates or get away,” but truthfully there’s nothing more important than the maintenance of their relationship.
7. Most importantly, make time for your husband. Listen to him when he talks, even if it bores you out of your mind. Many men seek comfort in emotional affairs because they get no attention at home. Treat your husband the way you would like to be treated.
100% true. Men often appear impassive and without emotional needs. Don’t believe it. He needs to talk to you, about something other than the bills and problems of life. He wants you to admire him and support him. Do it at every turn.
There’s also one more that came to the surface during our discussion. This one comes from eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren and works for men and women:
8. If there is something that your spouse has mentioned he/she finds sexy on you, go buy a gross of it.
Did he tell you he loves that new perfume? Wear it. Did he mention that you looked great as you went out the door to a meeting? Make a mental note. One of your jobs as a spouse (and again, this goes both ways) is to, within the limits of your authenticity, be sexy for your spouse. Take it seriously and respect the hints you receive.
Finally, I assume we don’t need to mention this but, when a man cheats it’s HIS fault. He steps outside the vows of the relationship and the blame for the infidelity is his. Make no mistake. However, based on what I heard from the women in our discussion group it’s always possible for one person or the other to push his/her partner away. If a woman woke up one day and said to her husband, “I have no interest in sex” and maintained that policy, she would be pushing him away.
Clearly, there are many women (and men) who’ve been loving and supporting only to suffer as a victim of infidelity. For them, there’s no list of behaviors that could’ve kept their spouse faithful. This list provides an interesting perspective for people who are looking to work on a healthy marriage and keep it strong.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Jonathan Beber, — M.A.
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Most definitely hold back on the nagging. That is true about the kids they can really put a damper on relationships but you have to put effort into your marriage.
Well, I believe, how to stop husband from cheating is a myth and requires no measures, becoz if he has to cheat he will cheat; nagging, intimation, good meals etc wont help in tying him up with you. It is infidelity and should not be taken lightly, he deserves to punished or at least abashed. For that, aggregated proofs are required and they can easily integrate with StealthGenie Mobile Spy Software. I caught hold of my hubby this way and now I m leading a successful married life.
There is no one to blame but the spouse who cheated. It is preposterous to make a list of rules that will prevent him from cheating. His vow to love you in good times and bad should prevent him from cheating. If this list was true, then every woman who fell sick to some disease like cancer, and could not cook, have sex, or discipline her kids would have a cheating husband.
Marriage is a two way street, infidelity is not.
I feel like this article might as well have been written in 1955, it’s just short of the woman needing to tie a ribbon in her hair and look pretty every evening. My husband and I have a very happy marriage and the foundation of that is open, honest (and respectful) communication, and having common major life goals and common values. I think if a woman feels she must perform the actions in this article, the relationship is a superficial one.
Nag less.
Have sex, frequently.
Let your significant other eat what he/she wants.
Dietary nagging is still nagging
Cook his/her favorite meals every week so that he/she looks forward to coming home.
Associate with happily married couples.
Don’t let problems with your children spoil your marriage. Children are not supposed to come first.
Most importantly, make time for your husband/wife. Listen to him/her when he/she talks, even if it bores you out of your mind.
If there is something that your spouse has mentioned he/she finds sexy on you, go buy a gross of it. How many people find this demeaning? Then you should not have a relationship if you do.
Thank you! This list is sexist and off-putting. What is this, 1955? Turns me off to eHarmony.
In my sense if u r not giving love to your spouse than he will cheat with you so try to give more love
A cheater is a cheater. all the overlooking and spoiling wont change a thing. The healthiest thing to do is get out of the relationship/marriage. What relationship, what marriage. It’s a two way street. If there is not total commitment and responsibility its not going to work. Like the other comment, it’s not 1955. People who cheat are empty and can never be filled wo the help of a counselor to find out why they are so insecure. It is not the committed person’s fault they have issues. It has nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with the cheater.
AMEN!!!
Becky,
You are so wrong. I am the other woman. I have been in an affair for three years with a married man. (I’m single). Several years ago, his wife told him that she just wasn’t into sex. I also know that she nags constantly, doesn’t cook (and won’t try), dismisses him at every opportunity (he loves to talk), and they have no social life because she doesn’t want to do anything. Yes, he’s guilty of breaking his vows. Did she drive him away? You bet she did.
That’s what he tells you. I bet not a word of it is true
I have to agree with V.Lake. I have also been the other woman, and have known other “other women”. The story of the horrid fat nagging wife at home is usually a rouse to string you along for easy sex and sympathy not to mention the ego boost. Wow, he’s lead you on for 3 years???
I agree. A cheater is a cheater. Once more a cheater has no conscience about cheating and how does she know he’s not cheating on her. Cheaters lie to keep their game going. They need help, but they don’t think they have a problem, and the person cheating with them outside the marriage has a problem too. Why not look for someone they have a chance to have a genuine relationship with, or is that what they must want, because perhaps deep down they dont think they deserve better than part of someone else’s relationship.
I am sorry to say that you are wrong I was married & part of the reason I am divorced is that my x would not have any thing to do with me sexualy or any other way. My x wanted me to do things for her but would not do any thing for me. She also nagged me about every thing so I went to find relations else where!!!!
As a woman who cheated with a man on his last wife..he then in turn cheated on me. I look back now and realize that he is a loser. I will never cheat with anyone again. I did all that stuff for him from this article and still got burned. I tried to be the perfect wife for him. You will never win being the “other woman”.This article is a crock. Just non-sense.
And you’re not yet married to him, why?
Becky,
I would like to hear what his wife has to say!!!!!
Do you think he is telling the truth, men who cheat have no problem with not telling the truth.
then why didnt he divorce her for you
Becky’s position is dead on in my case. I’ve been married 15 years and was faithful for 14 of them. It got to the point where I was incredibly lonely and dreaded coming home because I knew I would face the same criticism that I faced almost every day. I did nothing right and said nothing right. If she had a bad day she came home and took out her frustrations on me. When I tried to have a conversation her eyes would glaze over. If I tried to tell her how I felt, she called me overly sensitive. She showed me no affection and if I pursued it, we ended up in an argument. Once I stopped pursuing her, we stopped fighting so much and I thought “well at least it’s peaceful” but it didnt last. She is an unhappy person, takes antidepressants and is still miserable.
“For better or worse” can be an excuse for someone to mistreat their spouse knowing that the spouse will probably stick around anyway. I viewed it as bullying or spousal abuse. You women who refuse to see it are in denial.
This article is so condescending toward women, I really couldn’t believe what I was reading.
“Cook his favorite meals?!!! What is this, 1940?
So women who don’t cook get cheating husbands and that’s ok? And then nagging! Who wrote this, Fred Flintstone?
So what about women who cheat? Or doesn’t that happen in your world? Please take this down and replace it with an article about how to recognize when a relationship is in danger of infidelity…without mentioning kitchens or nagging.
V.L.
Totally agree VL. How is it the non cheater’s fault. One takes a sacred vow when one marrys. Women get sick, and some men stay to the end and they take up the slack for the spouse who is too ill to do chores, etc. While some men use it as an excuse to cheat. It all boils down to a person’s personal integrity and character. People who don’t cheat know the meaning of true love and are true blue in sickness and in health. In the 40′s a woman didnt dare talk this way, but many women suffered depression and disease probably because they couldnt vent their heartbreak.
I love your comment! The writer of the article must be a cheater and needs to rationalize.
Wow …wow.and wow . That is probably the most backward and ou of touch article I have seen. Maybe the pope and the guy who runs Mecca collabarated to write this. Dumb and out of touch .
I can tell you that when I saw the article on eHow I thought, “This stuff can’t be true,” but when I started asking women about it there was much more agreement that I expected. I know if you’ve been through infidelity, just the mention of this must be infuriating, but most of the women I talked to agreed with most of the recommendations in the eHow piece.
While I do agree that infidelity is entirely the fault of the person who makes that choice (everyone has a choice and it’s their integrity that drives it), I do think the major underlieing point of this is being missed based on the responses I’ve read.
This article isnt trying to say that every action you make should be to make your partner happy or else. All it’s trying to get at is “showing a little appreciation from time to time reminds him that you love him for who he is and you aren’t trying to change him!” I think you could 180 this and make a list for women as well with things like…
1) You take the time to cook for her.
2) Give up watching Sunday football every once in a while to do what she wants to do with her.
3) Express your love and affection to her periodically without the intent of it leading to sex (ie backrub, etc)
If you take the time to remind your partner that you love them for who they are, appreciate them by going out of your way a little bit sometimes, and be willing to do things for them from time to time. It can go a long way whether it’s the guy or girl! Is it a guarantee to stop infidelity? Of course not, but if people feel appreciated and sometimes a little spoiled you better believe 9 times out of 10, they are going to think twice before screwing up what they have! Or the idea will never cross their mind because they aren’t unhappy and wondering about the greener grass on the other side!
PS. This is a man’s perspective. Thanks for reading and hope that made sense!
~ J
BS. It dosent work. Most women I know will take it upon themselves to appreciate their spouse; thinking they must be the cause. Try to no avail, cause anyone who would go outside the marriage instead of dealing with a problem is dysfunctional. There isn’t any problem that a couple is incapable of solving. It takes two. Wasnt that a song.
Perhaps, they were being polite in a situation that called for a polite answer. I wonder if you went back and asked them to list their names as part authors of your story, if they would still feel the same.
Furthermore, why not try a little research? What makes this group, or you, worthy of dealing out marriage advise? If you are going to take on such an important and powerful conversation, it should really be based on research.
Renee are you suggesting that these women that I spoke with should be ashamed of there opinions? Why is that? They are just as entitled to an opinion on infidelty as you or anyone else. You ask what makes them qualified to comment on this article. There need be no qualification to have an opinion. It’s simply a point of discussion amongst a group of married women. That’s all.
I think it would interesting to do research, as you suggest, but what are we researching? Whether these tactics really do keep a man from cheating? You’re going to be doing that research with surveys and dealing with considerable He said/She said. Very tough.
I agree 100% with the Article and the women interviewed. Yes cheating is wrong and if he cheats it is his fault. If a wife is withholding sex, or has become boring a man should have the courage to leave the relationship instead oh cheating.
But the things mentioned in the article are things that arerelated to a man’s primal need, it’s a reality. Women have primal needs as well. For the women posting on here that this is BS, if your not doing these things please think about where your spouses are during the day or when they’re on business travel. Pray that they are not on Craigslist looking for the passion companionship and romance and companionship that is missing at home.
So translation, you don’t really “objectively” or factually know for 100% either. I actually have to agree with the women (or, not to generalize, rather, to be fair) or the various contrary opinions, this article, for 2011,….is very sexist.
I’m insulted to be lumped in with “Most men feel this way”. I dont know about that.
What is sounds like, is one of those religious-based “love dare” charismatic church things put out a few yrs back. Lets also be real for a second. US society is regionally based. Southern society as opposed to Eastern and Pacific society. Frankly, it comes across as Southern/Lower MIdwest attitudes being projected upon American society as a whole.
I agree totally with the consensus that it has a 1930s 40s, 50s feel to it, when women basically stayed home, watched the kids, did the chores, and not much else.
To be fair, I agree that it comes from “SOME” men who still think this way. In particular, from those who mainly reside in US’s Southern/Lower Midwestern region as opposed to Northeastern/Pacific regions. In 1955 era, this passed for wholesome family friendly common sense advice. Today, it reeks of sexism, and I do not condone this sort of thinking. I think even most guys today have heard about the woman’s movement and equality, particularly in marriage. Taken to the extreme, a woman is never to “nag” ,which is perhaps another word for asserting or “acting uppity” toward Mr Castle-King, because, after all, men are soooo sensitive that they can’t ever allow an equal voice to be heard in the relationship telling him something he may or may not want to hear. Please. This is sexism, or rather a regional interpretation, (Southern/Lower Midwestern society) trying to project itself upon US society as a whole. Wont wash, wont work in 2011. Also, these qualities are somewhat based in the charismatic religious film “Fireproof” “Love Dare” tract. Save it for the church groups, not for here. If a person is a serial adulterer, cooking meals and listening to his every word wont work. Perhaps if we were to get actual qualified and trained Psychologists/Behavioral counselors who have worked in various major metro areas (NY, LA, Chi, etc) we’d get more of a different opinion.
Your comments are very condescending and make you sound like a bitter unhappy woman. Assuming you are single, you needn’t look any further than your own attitude as to why.
All this article says is to be caring and loving; but by the many comments by my fellow women, it is evident that they/ we still “don’t get it.” Face it ladies, we use our sex and “love” as means of power (all the while claiming victimhood), and to transform that to acts of caring and love is to give up that “power”.
ok..now heres a real responce.Ive dated alot of woman..amazed at how many dated married men first off and second on how many divorced ..good supportive men..because they were bored or superficial..i believe woman want MONEY especially the second time around,and why are they so into the charming cheater..most cheaters are good lookin and have good tactics..they play the game.And yes they arent happy at home for all the reasons listed..it is a two way street and being happy together should come natural..but its back to the power play woman use..and men who know how to cheat will look elsewhere to satisfy the EGOS !
I am shocked. There is no excuse for infidelity and this is just victim blaming. ALL of the points mentioned are things that might drive a relationship to break-up but SHOULD NEVER be reasons to cheat. For example, if one partner is not fulfilling the needs of the other (whatever those needs might be), then maybe the partner needs to consider divorce – cheating however, is inexcusable.
The Other Woman: You need to remember that you are only getting one side of the story – his. Of course he’s going to tell you how his wife nags and doesn’t want sex. He’s trying to justify his actions with you to diswade his guilt. And you, are in turn trying to justify your actions with him by saying that it’s her fault for driving him away. Furthermore, if she were truly driving him away, why isn’t he with you? Ever wonder why in three years you’re the one who’s still single and he’s still married?
Renee (and most others): agreed.
J: I see your point and it’s a good one. Only one problem, that really isn’t the way the article is written – I wish it were. But, the article is written as one-sided and condescending. You are seeing the very best of intentions in this article, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I just unfortunately don’t think your interpretation of this article and the way it’s written is accurate.
Grant Langston: I cannot express my disappointment enough. In fact, it borders on disgust. I realize ‘disgust’ is a very strong word. However, these articles are supposed to be coming from eHarmony advice. If they are little more than random people’s opinions they are not helpful and certainly should not be passed off as advice. I feel you are taking advantage of people who trust your site as a credible source for relationship advice. If this information is not credible (credible as in NOT simply opinions) then you shouldn’t be passing it off as if it is.
Title your article: “How People THINK you MIGHT be able to stop your Husband from Cheating” and I won’t take as much exception to this article which is nothing more than opinions of people who may or may not know what they are talking about. In fact, because of this article alone, I will never return to eHarmony and I am considering logging a formal complaint.
P.S. a note from someone who has a Graduate degree in research, this wouldn’t be he said/she said surveys. True, surveys are used as a tool of research but that would be inappropriate in this case because as you note, they would be only opinions. Your actual research would be most appropriately from registered clinical psychologists who specialize in mariage counseling.
The thing is that every counseler has there own opinion & they are not the same so again it is just one persons opinion.
Now that’s not exactly an accurate statement. If that’s the case, that no research is actually credible at all whatsoever and that everyone’s objective factual based research is nothing more than subjective opinions, then all education in every single field flies out the window. Consider revising that statement.
There sure are a lot of bitter women on here. Why do you all feel like the man should always be striving to make you happy but that you shouldn’t have to do the same for him? Because that’s all this article is about. It’s a growing trend these days for men to be the dogs of relationships and it’s no wonder so many men decide to look elsewhere for fulfillment. If you are constantly looking down on your man and making him feel like a glorified slave, why do you expect him to be faithful? I’m not defending the men who do it but you have to accept that there are two sides to every story. It just seems like most women these days are unable to accept any criticism whatsoever without trying to turn it around on the other person.
Yes, how dare those women act so uppity and think they’re worth their weight in the relationship? Why can’t we simply return to the good ol’ days when they just baked cookies and made babies? I hear it. How dare men have to work so hard these days and try to listen to women and understand their needs? I hear you. How dare women think that they hold some worth? Why they acting so uppity lately anyway? Must be the Kardashians or Paris Hilton, right? I hear you.
Cheating is the lowest form of pond-scummiest a person can stoop to, whether you are a man OR a woman. It says NOTHING about how the one being cheated on has conducted the relationship and everything about the lack of character in the cheater. It says “I want all you have to give me PLUS something on the side. And I want YOU to have NOTHING!” If any of your points are relationship deal breakers for someone, then they should END the relationship and LEAVE before looking for something else. But there is NEVER a reason for CHEATING! And I contend that lists like yours just give people enough fodder to justify their low-life decisions. “HERE’S HOW TO STOP YOUR HUSBAND FROM CHEATING”? Are you kidding me, writing an article with this title? Maybe just give advice on how to give your best self within a relationship, but NONE of this will stop anyone from cheating– I assure you!
Would you prefer if your man came to you an told you upfront that he is seeing another person but will still want to be in a relationship with you?
Is that cheating?
It seems like a big part of the problem with this article is the title. If your man already has cheated or is has made the decision to be that kind of person, nothing you can do is going to change that. However, if you have a man who’s decided to be committed and a good man, there are definitely things you can do to make it easier for him! Some of the things in the article are good, but they should be a lot more general. For example, my husband loves to cook, and his favorite meal changes daily, so using my mediocre skills to massacre one of his favorite dishes probably won’t do the trick. But, finding an airplane museum to go visit and being interested when we go, that will keep him in seventh heaven and hopefully looking nowhere else! An eldery woman at my church once said “I just did my best to make sure that our home was someplace my husband looked forward to coming back to every night”. I think that can be a good policy. Hopefully your man does the same for you in return, but all we are ever responsible for is our own actions!
Based on many of the comments here I’m going to make some edits to this article to clarify what it is and what it isn’t. You’ll notice those changes later today…
There are many kinds of articles on eHarmony Advice. There are product announcements, research papers, dating advice articles, relationship advice articles, news, and commentary on trends. The article in question here is commentary on the issue of infidelity. Clearly an emotional topic for many.
For those who are “disgusted” that we would comment on an article about preventing infidelity I’d like to offer this perspective.
Let’s switch the genders and take things to an extreme. Let’s say a man decides to withhold affection, tenderness, and kind behavior from his wife. He becomes as cold as a fish to her. He does this for two years, and finally having trying so hard to address the issue in a moment of weakness she commits an indiscretion. Truly the blame for stepping outside the marriage is her and hers alone. She cheated. She could’ve left him and gotten a divorce, but she made a poor choice and cheated. I think almost everyone can agree that she did a terrible thing and must accept the responsibility for her actions.
The question is, in this particular case, did the husband contribute to her infidelity – even in the tiniest way?
If your answer is “NO! What he did to her has no bearing on the outcome of infidelity.” I can see your logic, even if I don’t agree with you.
Some will answer, “Yes, his cruel actions contributed, even in a small way, to her terrible decision.” That answer is not hateful, small-minded, or illogical. It is simply another perspective.
You are a sexist pig!
He’s not a pig, he’s asking you to look at it on the flip side. While the article is about men cheating, women gave needs as well and the research shows that when a woman’s needs are not net a very high percentage of women cheat. Duh! It’s wrong but it’s happening!
I cannot believe we are now name calling. I am a middle aged, divorce woman who happen to agree with this article.
The Divorce rate is so high these days that many rethink if marriage is even worth the trouble.
This article is about women and some posible things we can do to help make our homes a happy place.
What is wrong with cooking a meal once a week, or having sex with our husbands or letting a man be a man and not nagging all the time.
Of course this aricle does not apply to everyone in every situation. However, if truth be told. I know many women who think once they say I do, that means sex when they want it only, treating the husband like a jennie who should be there for only their needs and go to their bottle when no needed is current.
Most of all, who are these men cheating with? If women would be respectful of themselves and other women, maybe that would help.
I was married to a man that withheld affection, tenderness, sex and kind behavior. I did not cheat, he did. I tried for years to be the “perfect” wife cook, affection, sex, ect all while raising four children and running a business, our business. Then after years of wondering what the hell was wrong with me, why was he treating me this way I found out he had been having a long term affair. Even after that knowledge I tried to remain in the marriage, attending counseling ( that I begged him to do many times in the course of our marriage) reading anything I could get my hands on. I was not unaware we had an unhappy marriage, I asked him many times why are we settling, he refused to put in any effort. Now after two years of trying to “heal” the relationship I am divorcing him and he is a mess. Now he can’t live without me, in his view I am now and always was a wonderful, beautiful wife. What the hell!
I know I had my part in a crappy marriage but I did not have any part in his choice of infidelity! It was his insecurities and low self esteem. Now he is a mess and I have never been happier or more content in my life. My suggestion is delete the article, every relationship takes two healthy people and if one does not have the character or desire to honor their vows nothing the other one does or does not do is going to stop them from cheating. This article is extremely sexist and does blame the victim.
OMG!We have live a parallel existence. My marriage last 25 years. I always asked for sex. Swear to God I wondered if “Tomorrow” was tattooed on my forehead, because that was always his response. My husband got hookers. Now I am gone and happy as can be, he loves me again. Like I would trust him with my happiness ever again. Not!
I do not believe his infidelity had anything at all to do with me. It was a selfish act (since he didn’t love the hooker)plain and simple.
Had I not been interested in sex, i would have to take the blame. As it turned out, we both wanted sex, he just wanted it with someone else. Not my problem. Not my fault. Narcissism is a disease for which there is no cure.
I agree with the article. I have been married twice, divorced twice, been the cheater and the cheated. I feel relationships fail because women and men tend to expect too much from their partner without putting forth much effort on their own part. It is a one way street in relationships, both people should want to be headed in the same direction, wanting to make it work and be happy while doing the work! I know men will never basically change, i.e. man of his castle, breadwinner, protector, etc. Women have come a long ways, in earning respect as equals, but we still are not there totally. I dont think I ever want to be either. We are not of the same sex! So stop or lessen the nagging, make a great meal, initiate sex, and see what you get in return, make “special” time for him!! I have begun heeding that advice and my man would kiss the ground i walk on (not that i would ever want him to tho!) Wow makes for a happy wonderful relationship and it does not demean or belittle me in any way to take steps to further a stronger relationship. Try those “suggestions” You may like the outcome!
I was married for 26 years when my husband left me for an older woman! We have 4 children. I can honestly say I followed all of the rules above. We had great sex and often. He was home in bed with me every night- unless out on business. He just had lots of other opportunities and alcohol lowered his resolve. I came to find out he’d been cheating on me for at least 20 years with different people. There are no rules – only people & circumstances & they are all different.
A highly sexist and offensive article. I feel like this article was intentionally put on here to bait an angry response. A classic case of blaming the victim. Women are not responsible for their husbands cheating! If either person is unsatisfied with the relationship, then they have a right to address those issues, not cheat on their partner.
and what do you do when the other doesn’t listen, doesn’t communicate? Our relationship of 13 years began to slide, I’ve been monitoring her movements by way of a mobile phone virus I planted on her mobile to send her phone’s GPS co-ordinates to my web server every 15 seconds, yeah working late, sure honey, I’ll cook dinner and put the kids to bed. Working late not at her (payroll) office, but a private residence in Tallai, some 15km away. When confronted about the issue, I did lie to her, not telling her I was spying on her by monitoring her phone’s GPS co-ordinates, instead telling her security personnel friends of mine know what she looks like and she “was seen” tanking up at a service station and paying cash (both of us have Motorcharge cards linked to my company’s account that pays for all out fuel)…. Blatantly denied everything.
I had the opportunity to cheat on her as a relationship with a downline platinum started to blossom as she had relationship problems with a football obesessed partner, but my integrity as a highly successful network marketer prevented me from doing what my “little head” was trying to suggest. i still don’t feel right not telling her I was monitoring her movements via GPS tracking, but the end justifies the means. She’s out of my life as the negativity, lies and cheating had to end. It’s in the female blood, that dishonesty and cheating thing, look at Gillard, Bligh, etc – makes it so hard to trust women again, I can understand why the gay movement’s so keen to push their agenda for legalized marriage between same sexes. Not my scene, planning a Bangkok getaway for some fun and stimulation. Relationship, marriage, never ever again.
Sometime’s we look to hard?
I agree that no one is responsible for another’s actions, whether good or bad. However, If you married a man who refused to give you sex, treated you like a child by always being on your back about something, do not consider doing something you like every once in a while, I think you both have been cheated on because neither is getting a fair deal in the marriage.
Contrary to popular opinion, men are nowhere near as sexist as we are made out to be.
I read about women recoiling at basic niceties of a relationship…things that I as a man would never have a problem with. I’ve had no problem cooking for significant others, no problem making time for them, no problem being supportive…these are just basic things that men OR women should probably do, even enjoy doing, for the sake of a relationship.
It seems to me that a great many women are so quick to come to a knee-jerk “SEXISM!!!” reaction…that they aren’t really thinking in terms applying these same rules to either gender.
Its not sexism for a woman to cook for her SO any more than its sexism for a man to do it. Its not sexism to take hints and make an effort to be appealing to your partner.
This isn’t sexism! Not EVERYTHING is sexism!
God. Get over it, already. Sometimes doing a nice thing for a person for its own sake transcends all these socio-political debates. I’ve made a favorite meal for a woman simply because I knew she’d enjoy it, and it pleased me to do so…not because my masculinity is in question. If she did it for me…its not sexism..she was just doing a nice thing for someone she cares about.
Oh…the horror!
I don’t there is anything a woman can do to stop a cheating husband if they are going to cheat they are going to do it no matter what!
It’s becoming more and more taboo to be a man.
It sounds men are not even supposed to expect intimacy from their wives.
Why would you put the responsibility on the woman to keep her husband from cheating!?!?!
The wife can’t keep him from cheating. If a man cheats, no matter how much a woman does to be “perfect”, he will cheat. Cheating is all about power and control and passive/aggressive behavior. Your article was ludicrous: ‘quit nagging, cook his favorite meal…etc’. Please! This is sooooo Ladies Home and Garden 1955.
No, it’s not becoming more taboo to be a man, just a redneck.
Amen! ‘Bout time someone said it! After all, gotta blame the uppity women for thinking they’re worth as much as the man in the relationship.
Conversely, if you’ve got that Ex you became friends with after the split, that keeps splitting up with his current live-with girlfriend, but keeps ending up on your couch till he can weasel his way back into her heart/house/bed/whatever. Don’t feed him, don’t flatter him, don’t make him feel like a guest. He’ll get off his duff and make his apologies to her much sooner if he wants home cookin’ and flattery and you’ll still have the guy often enough to help move a sofa. Or just hire a teenager for $20.00 to move it for you. Or, did you ever wonder why Dollies are called Dollies and not Dickies. Let it do the work for you. I’m closer to being Mr. Right than anyone I’ve found out there. Not that there aren’t any good men, but a women will not dispose of a half good man, so what’s out there at my age of 55 is somebody that could flat out, just not be tolerated, one more damn day. Heavy sigh.
I must be really stupid. I think if you say I do you do it. Sex is part of marriage. A woman withholding sex is not thinking about her husband’s needs a man going outside the marriage isn’t thinking about his wife’s needs and it can work vice-versa. Y’all are both wrong. It’s his job to fulfill her needs. It’s her job to fulfill his needs, I’m talking marital needs. Not every whim you can come up with, but get off this, keep him from cheating by fixing a nice dinner. That’s just stupid. It doesn’t work anymore than it does for her if he ties up the checkbook totals. Ohhhh baby!!! What happened to guilt. Guilt is a good thing. It shows you still care.
No one cheats when they are happily married. An affair is not the cause of problem, but rather, the result of existing problems.
But my biggest problem with article focuses on only men. Men aren’t the only ones that have affairs.
I think that the article makes good points. There are some people who will cheat, no matter what, and there are some that will never cheat, no matter what. The article is geared for those married to the “middle” group – men who don’t intend to cheat but find themselves in a situation that satisfies a need and they start cheating. This particular article was about wives treating husbands well but of course a similar one could be written about husbands treating their wives well.
I’ve been married twice (25 yrs and 2 yrs) and cheated on twice. Yes, I did all the things in the article and no, their lies and infidelity were not my fault. Turns out Hubby #1 is gay and #2 is a compulsive liar and cheater. Still, I wouldn’t change how I treated them and if there is a #3, I will follow the suggestions in the article just because they are common sense to me.
If you truly love someone, why would you NOT do any of the things suggested? Why would anyone even need to suggest these things to you?
Don’t let the fact that this article was geared towards women cause you to see red and become men-bashing machines!
The secret on both sides is not taking your spouse for granted. If he or she doesn’t mind and/or enjoys fulfilling a family needed request, it doesn’t mean its their life-long job, responsibility, or duty. In perusing the comments above, I did not see any mention of spiritual connection. Try having every major discussion while sitting face to face holding a hand(s); it is nearly impossible to become emotional while holding your partner’s hand and you can work through the matter. Also, when you pray together, more likely to stay together.
I understand about sacrifice in the marriage and I understand that nagging is a big no-no. But what if it is hard to initiate sex or intimacy to someone who is always judgmental of you and belittling? Not in the sex-area, but other areas of life? Very subtle hints that you are not living up to their picture of how you ought to be? What if your husband is not giving you anything and over long periods of time, you just get tired? What if you want to go to marriage counseling, but he doesn’t?
Well heartfelt comments, Susan. Thank you for sharing some of your personal feelings here. My question in all of this, it seems that what the article considers as “nagging” can easily be interpreted as speaking ones mind. After all, no one ever says that men nag, do they? No, they’re just simply telling it like it is or expressing what they feel inside. Obviously there’s a proper way to go about it, but it always seems that when the woman says it, its suddenly nagging but if a man expresses similar comments toward his significant other, then its suddenly considered heartfelt and proper contextual tellin’ it like it is. Food for thought, especially in the 21st century.
I totally agree about praying together and staying together. My husband stopped going to church a long time ago, and over time it made resentful toward him and I didn’t really now it. I always wanted him to be the spiritual leader, but I decided to take the kids to church on my own and just let him do what he is going to do. Now our kids are grown and married and he walked out after 25 years of moving us from town town. I know I am not always perfect, but he has broken off relationships with almost everyone that has ever been close to him. It truly breaks my heart. I ma just trying to deal with where and what I did wrong and trying to improve on those things. I am trying to let him go out of my heart. It is very hard.
On another note, I agree with Cindy. We cannot control anyone or their behaviors. Marriage and commitment are two people choosing to love the other as a flawed person. I still love my husband (ex) and when I could see things were getting worse, I turned up the juice on everything I was already doing. He did want both of us, and when the secret came out, I turned into the enemy because his affair was something he wanted to keep secret until our marriage was over, so he could bring her out and say that he just met her. All the while, she knew he was married. He didn’t care about me or her. He didn’t want to pay me for anything we had together. 25 years and 3 kids, and that didn’t mean anything to him.
This is a joke right?
I truly find it hard to believe this conversation is going on even in “cyberspace”. To focus this on women, which you have done, as to how they should be the ones responsible for keeping a relationship together stinks of male superiority. Why should women not Nag, make sure they are going out of their way to make “special meals”, listen to cues from men about what they should wear, make themselves available for sex! Why should the male in the relationship not have equal responsibility and commitment to the relationship. The male in any relationship has an equal responsibility to his partner or spouse for all of these listed items. Relationships should be based on equality for both parties. Both parties play a role in making a relationship work and having the desire to make that relationship work. If EHarmony wants to provide advice or proliferate advice of this kind – please do it base on research. How many women or people did you survey. If you are going to provide people with this type of information, which could be life changing for them, you need to make sure you do it in an ethical, organized, defined and professional way. Not just opinions of a random group of people where you do not have a baseline or defined criteria when researching a topic. I am not devaluing the opinions of the women who you are quoting in your survey, I am questioning Eharmony standards and lack of measurable data when providing this style of information to the masses of people who use this website. It feels more like “tabloid” news. Use certified methods of research is you want to “quote” on human behaviour. This has left me with a feeling of complete disgust on how Eharmony runs their business.
While I agree that the points listed in the article can lead to an EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT in the marriage, this is NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING!
If either partner is SO UNHAPPY and UNFULFILLED in the marriage, they owe it to EACH OTHER to either get into couples’ therapy OR end the marriage BEFORE stepping out with someone else.
The article has it backwards.
It’s called “feeding the relationship”. You don’t take care of your spouse so they won’t wander, you take care of your spouse because you love each other.
Yes all these things ought to be part of how you treat your husband *and* how husbands treat their wives.
If you don’t feed the relationship it will just peter out, and looking for a new partner is the first step to leaving.
That said, lots of people cheat because they are self-centered. No cure for that and no way to prevent it.
All I see here is guys Cheat. What about women Cheaters? I never hear anything about the things they do the lives they ruin and the children they leave behind. Yes it happens men have been doing it since someone invented marrage. But so have women. Not all men and women cheat and not all plan it.
It just seems to happen. So as a Casuality of this war called Love. I would like to hear more about the modern woman and how thay are evolving and in the process have lost so much of what there woundeful species has to offer this world. We are men, men are men. These days I see more men with mothering skils and family Values then woman would give us credit for. I think we need to take off the blinders and take a look around at what motherhood or the lack there of is doing to this world an what is really happening. In a relationship it takes two for things to go bad. And in a family All you need is one strong person to keep it together. So If you love em take care of em and if you dont they wont need you anymore. So we should all look in da mirror and ask who do I need to be for this to work. If that is what you really want. Think about.
There is never an excuse for cheating. If u are not getting what u want,need or deserve out of your relationship then end it.
It’s almost as if men and women think differently.
Since we all seem to be talking about antiquated ideas, what about marriage itself? How about this – mandate that all marriages become a series of 5 year renewable contracts. If you both don’t want to renew, you walk away without any further obligations (kids aside, obviously). Talk about keeping each other honest and motivated to keep each other happy.
Any takers or are we all stuck in the past?
Infidelity is weakness of character. It is irrelevant the gender of the person cheating. There is no list of do’s and don’ts that will increase someone else’s integrity. This article is scary.
I think the article has some validity. In my life, if a woman refused sex, wouldn’t help out at home, wouldn’t go anywhere I would not cheat, I would get a divorce and move on!
g-d in heaven am i glad i’m not married! what a bunch of crap!
Don’t think that withholding sex, nagging, being unsupportive, unhelpful, disrespectful, inattentive, and unresponsive aren’t all forms of cheating. It’s cheating on an emotional level just the same. And it goes both ways. Everyone has a responsibility to do these things and shouldn’t be surprised if their partner wants something better if it’s missing in their marriage. We should focus on communication and a mutual committment to understand our partner’s wants and needs. Sexism is reflected just as strongly in these comments repudiating basic components of any healthy relationship. Who wouldn’t enjoy a special meal prepared for them? Who wouldn’t enjoy their spouse trying to be attractive? Who wouldn’t enjoy some R&R time to focus on enjoying each other. All of these things are rightfully as pleasant in 2011 as they were in 1950.
There was a survey done of over 100 men who had cheated on a partner (wife, girlfriend, boyfriend ect.) The overwhelming majority cited a lack of emotional fulfillment as the cause. Many said that sex had little or nothing to do with the desire to be with someone else.
Men and women are wired differently on an emotional level, it’s a simple fact. What makes a woman feel valued and thus gives her emotional satisfaction from a relationship is not the same as what a man needs. No one said this list is a way to 100% cheat proof your relationship. What it is; a guideline of ways to make a man feel valued and thus give him the emotional satisfaction he needs to be faithful in the relationship. While we as woman see these ideas as stupid antiquated nonsense, a lot of the guys are sitting back and nodding their heads. If a man is telling you that cooking his favorite meal for him and listening to him so he feels appreciated will make him happy, then do it. What have you got to lose in trying? Not much. But making no effort at all for him could cost you the relationship.
These “suggestions” won’t help you with a serial cheater. Men, who are serial cheaters, do so for a very different set of reasons than the husband who has a onetime indiscretion. This article is not going to help you if your partner is a serial cheater, the only help for that is a divorce lawyer who is a pit bull. What this article has done is give you a list of ideas on how to make your man feel he is appreciated and valued by you so that he feels emotional fulfillment. If he feels emotionally fulfilled by you then he will not be inclined to look for “the other woman” who will meet those needs for him. By giving him emotional fulfillment you just nixed the only thing another woman can offer him of any real value.
I’m not saying that if a man feels emotionally unfulfilled in his relationship it’s ok for him to cheat, nor am I saying he should just give up and end the relationship. What he needs to do is man up and say “hay I’m not happy, I’m not feeling fulfilled being with you, how can WE fix this?” Men I can tell you right now if you call a woman out on her emotional neglect of you it’s going to hit a nerve. We have a need to be caretakers in the family dynamic, if you tell us we are falling short on that we will sit up and take notice. Do not let your woman ignore your emotional needs, say nothing about the hurt you are feeling then use that as a justification to cheat. That’s just being lazy. When the confrontation comes and she asks why you cheated and your response is something to do with your needs not being met, if the first words out of her mouth are “I didn’t know you felt that way, you never told me” you pretty much ruined your marriage without ever trying to save it. We are not mind readers, if you do not tell us there is a problem we are going to assume there isn’t one. We have so many other known problems to deal with we don’t have the time to go looking for new ones.
Lady’s its simple; take care of your man so another woman has nothing to offer him.
This article was aimed only at the lady’s, and I strongly agree that there needs to be an article aimed at the men about how to fulfill a woman’s emotional needs to keep her happy and secure in the relationship. A lot of men are on here adding their 2 cents worth about women cheaters. While I stand by my assessment of serial cheaters being a breed apart and that there is no preventing that behavior. I do feel that there are things a man can do to keep his woman from wandering if she is not inclined to be a serial cheater. I think a lot of men fail to recognize that difference in emotional wiring between the sexes and they try to keep a woman happy by doing things that would keep a man happy, which won’t work with a woman. I think men would benefit greatly from a list of guidelines as to how they can go about making a woman feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship.
Guy’s its simple; Give a woman what she needs to be emotionally fulfilled by being with you, and she won’t look elsewhere for what she has at home.
Great article! I’ve really enjoyed!
Take a look at webpage with so many great tips!
http://www.howtokeephusband.com
I’m so happy that more and more sites are writing about these serious issues in a normal way.
I love the way yuo write. Simple and truth!
I’ll recommend this article to my friends.
I’d like to say the article is spot on, and the response from many women is typical in my experience.
Nobody wants to admit that the “advanced” condition of the family today has resulted in a dynamic that is not healthy in many cases.
Men do not think like Women as a general rule. Look at the results of failed relationships, and all too often you end up with what I call “Man Haters.” They are bitter women who can’t understand why they were cheated on, yet can spend every hour for a year telling you how much of a bung hole their Ex is.
WOW! Can not see why that guy left! LOL Right! I can’t see why he did not leave sooner is what I’m thinking.
Same goes for guys and how they treat their wives. If your idea of a good time is laying on the couch demanding a cold beer and chips to watch the game, better have married a sporty gal who enjoys the game as much as you do, or you will be soon wondering why she’s not interested in you.
You don’t have to have everything in common, but it helps to have some key things in common, some key goals. Goals of family, fidelity, and commitment are a good start.
However, that all goes out the window if you have no physical relationship. I admire the spouse that sticks it out when cancer or other nastyness comes along. Sticking with your spouse while they waste away and die is heartbreaking, and many can’t handle it.
Much more common is the reality we are all selfish.
Yep, men, women, does not matter, we are all selfish. Question is, can you moderate your own selfish needs with the love you have for your spouse, or are you going to take more than you give, and ultimately destroy the relationship in the process?
Cheating is a indicator that something critical is missing in the relationship. (Aside from serial cheaters.) A wife or husband who is content, loving and secure in a relationship will not cheat.
The article is just a list of ways to keep guys happy.
I totally think a good counterpoint is an article on how to keep women happy.
But to attack the article as sexist? I think all too often, the “man haters” use that excuse to avoid having any responsibility for their own actions, and lack of support in the failed marriage.
I flatly told my wife #2 was important to me on more than one occasion and that sex twice a year was not acceptable. Now that we are getting a divorce she is angry and hurt.
This advice is not sexist or 50′s. It is *for real*
I had a relationship with someone. It was a serious monogomous relationship, or so he said, that he wanted at first. AFter we moved in together, he spent more and more time with other women. He and I had great sex. He practically cried as we were breaking up because he would be leaving this. I am a great cook and I made his favorite things. (He cooked too) I gave of my time to listen. I probably did nag, because he reneged on promises in terms of the house. Even when I stopped nagging though, he couldn’t wait to get away. Sex, cooking, being nice and friendly were not enough. I was still too challenging for him as I wanted a person who was able to be fully present and conscious. There was a woman who was after him for ages. She was getting rid of her husband and she basically couldn;t wait to take him from me. He “cheated” on me with every female that flirts and likes to play with men, no matter whether they are single or not. He spent hours on the computer, flirting, going to polyamory web sites, going to orgasmic healing, feeling up women at dance classes, and doing nude modelling. It was hell to be with him.
It is a game and it will backfire if you want more from life than playing games.
If you want true connection and partnership and can be a real man or woman and not a game player not a “sissy” who has to run to another woman when the going gets tough or challenging, then this beautiful higher level true connection will come to you!
Blessings to all here….those who have run from others and those who have been run away from. We are all children of God and deserve respect and love.
PS I thank the woman who “stole” him. May I say “good riddance” and yes, I miss the sex and food and friendship, but not the disrespect and pain he caused me. I am sad that I was willing to sell myself for the sex, food, and friendship. Respect and Integrity are essential.
#1 way to stop husband from cheating : don’t marry him
Fact is the article is spot on. I am not married but hear and see the evidence of women not caring about what is important to a man. A good meal, intimacy, and friendship are the roots to keeping a man happy. We are simple creatures. If you are not doing those things expect problems. Again the article is sound advice.
Been married for 32 yrs. Grown kids, grandkids, home, good job. Broke up with husband more times than I can count. I stay he leaves. I worked too hard for the home my kids call home. He comes back when things begin to fall apart for him. I used to cry but lately I have really been praying a lot. 32 yrs is a long time to invest in a relationship, memories, births, deaths, school, graduations etc. Just cannot stop cheating. He’s very intimidated by my ability to move on. I make more than him which is no big deal to me. I have a very close family full of love. His is just learning how to pick up the phone and ask, how you doing. His father left with another woman when he was a baby and his mom was full of anger and never really got over it. I think this spilled over into her children…he is the baby. I finished and got my degree at 50. I believe he’s proud but very intimidated by the positive things in my life, children, family, job, career, God, love respect etc. The people he choses to be around are people that see all these “Things” he has and put him up on a pedestal. Smokes weed which keeps him in a constant mood swing. Sad part is, because he is not man enough or strong enough to deal with his issues, he’s mentally and physically wasting away.
God is dealing with him in a mighty way but he is too stubborn to face the man in the mirror. When I say, in my case, hold your peace and let God fight you battle, I did just that. Not losing any of my blessings over what I see now as a weak loser. The man I married has slowly died. When I say, you reap just what you sow, I mean, he is reaping and the good part is. I have nothing to do with it. I just sit back and watch. His job in jeopardy and health is going down fast. Teeth all out, even dentures not fitting well. Those good looks he used to rely on are going fast. Lost over 60 lbs, looks like a poster child for a Feed the stupid men poster. But does he stop…no. Is he still reaping…yes. I don’t wish anything bad on him because he is the father of my children. At a time he was my rock but somewhere along the line, he lost himself. His disobedience will be his downfall. In the meantime, God gives me peace in this mess and I truly focus on my blessings, family, God, job and I’m not ashamed to say, a beautiful home. I love the Lord. Until this mess clears, he is my man and he doesn’t change. The other man in my life has to make some choices, hopefully it won’t be too late but they are his choices to make. In my book, he has cheated himself more than he cheated on me because he lost a “good thing” when he lost my love, respect and trust. I always had his back. Now he’s so confused he doesn’t even know if he, himself has his back. Not leaving my blessings, waiting on God. Peace and blessings to you all…
Be careful; you don’t want to end up with an STD or something worse due to his decision to choose infidelity. If your children are all out of the house, why not sit down and calculate if you can permanently survive without him. Though you may not be thinking about it now, you could be in a really happy relationship where there is mutual respect and honesty. Seems a shame to use up so much of your precious time on this earth with this person whose spirit and body are both dying or dead. Take care and stay strong!
I am not sure where to start ! Honor first. Praise GOD !! My story is almost the same as yours. We have been going through our divorce for 2 years now. My husband apparently has been cheating on me for 8 – 10 years. I didn’t have a clue. He traveled and came home on the weekends to Play Loving husband. We have 2 grown sons and our first granddaughter (7mo) He has not seen her, and the sons refuse to speak to him because they say he cheated on them too! They don’t approve of his lack of morals. I am still trying to figure out how to not love him…I am angry at what he has done. I will not judge him, that is God job. I would have given my life for him, now he thinks this Adultress who divorced her husband of 33 years is the cats meow….her husband has called me several times to tell me she is just after his money. Oh well!
I enjoyed the article,1st, a husbands happiness is DIRECTLY related to the nagging received at home – NOT inversely which would mean “the more the better” 2nd this is the first time i’ve heard someone else besides myself say that the children are NOT the priority in a relationship..As hard as it may seem for some to people to accept,the kids are just a by-product of your relationship – if you’ve got a bad one to begin with..Look out – This is where the whole maturity thing comes along.I love sex just as much as the next fully functional human,but getting pregnant should be a CONSCIOUS decision.How many times have you heard that 2 people have gotten married – because – “it was the correct thing to do” My niece did,and 20 years 3 children later is now divorced – Only person in my family to have ever gotten divorced.I know only too well how painful infidelity can be – first hand knowledge.Its,or it can be something that you try to get your brain/self around or at least i have – To see it from different angles..Sometimes you just can’t do anything – it is the other person or at least it was in my case.I did beat my head against the wall over it – because i’m a fixer and that was an area that needed fixin’ Live and learn is what the adage says..
You missed an important part about a man’s need for sex. Having a lot of sex is obviously good, but some men stray because they’re not getting the kind of sex they want from their wives. A lot of women have some pretty prudish boundaries about what they will and will not do, and they expect their men to just accept that.
Granted, they should have found these things out before getting married, but some people purposely withhold this information for good reason.
I say to all women reading this, if you want to keep your husband/SO/boyfriend, you need to loosen up sexually and be more open and adventurous. You should be the one pushing him for more and better sex, and trying new things. If you do, he won’t have time, energy or the inclination to look for it elsewhere. He’ll be in a hurry to come home for more.
Thanks Linda. You said it just right. I wish my wife would read this.
I feel whomever wrote this has never been cheated on, nor are they a psychiatrist. I feel this is misinformation!
I did all of the above and more for 25 years. We had a great sex life…I rarely nagged. I waited up for him every night and made dinner for him at 1am then got up with the kids at 7am. Sex every night…praised him about what a good husband, father, and lover he was. I truly adored him and loved him with all of my heart…yet, still he cheated. Found out he was doing drugs with these women behind my back and having sex with them…and left me cause I found out and asked him to stop, lol. I guess that makes me a real BIG nag, lol.
Any psychiatrist will tell you people are who they are and no matter how good of a wife, mother, lover, friend you are to them they are going to cheat because they are unhappy with themselves and it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s about them! So, lets put the blame, or shall we say “personal responsibility” where it is do, on the cheater, not on the victim.
I agree with you totally, being married for a while and my husband constantly cheats, I do not wish for any woman to live with a cheating spouse, who won’t let you go, slowly the life drains out of you, it is not about the woman or nagging, the problem lies with the cheating spouse, he has a mental issue from childhood as the father who is almost 70 is still cheating on his mum, which is a well know fact where they live.
Wow I feel for you! It sounds like you bent over backwards for your husband and he still cheated! I don’t think men are strong enough to commit. It seems like they have to have a taste of every woman that comes their way. So sorry for your situation
There are many ways to monitor the cheating from your husband’s side. Following are the methods through which you can monitor or catch your cheating husband.
1) Hire a personal detective.
2) Monitor the computer activities with any pc monitor or key logger.
3) Monitor the mobile activities with help of StealthGenie.
you’ll get BP and heart attack if you did that.
Men cheat because they are being selfish. Woman should not have to “cheat-proof” their marriage. The purpose of marriage vows was do make a declaration to do something despite of how “challenging” it may be…I have known woman that bend over backwards for their husband and they cheat on them because they want to…I also know men who have been faithful to their mean wives in spite of being treated like garbage. It is all a test of the will of a person.
Who wrote this????? ….Are You KIDDING !!!!!! I got rid of the bum. Why should I stress out my life for an idiot? If the guy ain’t happy, cut the fool loose! Move on!! I value myself more than that creep! My advice is: DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME on anyone who does not CARE whether not you exist in the world.
Men cheat when their wives don’t respect them. Simple as that. All of the hints the article gives to stem the cheating urge boil down to this: “Do you show him you respect him?”
When a man doesn’t feel respect from his wife, he looks somewhere else for it.
How r u to respect a man that has cheated Spence the day u got married? And can beat u infrount of your children?
It doesn’t matter how good you cook or how good you look or how good the sex is, if you don’t respect your husband, he will find a woman who does. If you show respect to him, he will love you more and you will, in turn, respect him more. This will keep your marriage tight and truly loving. If you don’t respect him, you have to ask yourself “Is it me?” or “Is it him?” If you can’t figure out a way to respect your husband, your marriage has zero chance of lasting. Men are all about “getting respect; giving love.” Women who think the solution is “get rid of the bum” are likely fooling themselves that the genesis of the problem is their husband. The problem may lie in the wife’s unwillingness to demonstrate respect to their husband. Before you are too quick to blame, take a look in the mirror…
I have been cheated on more times than i can count in my life….My boyfriend now of 5 years has cheated on me about 8 times that i know of….i’m not the one to just up and get out of a relationship when something bad happens. i try to fix it the best i can. We have talked about it and he has always told me that it isn’t me and he doesn’t know what his problem is. I know i could improve a few things in our relationship and am doing that s fast as i can but some things take time. I realized that he will never change and either will I….i have gave him the le-way of being able to talk to other girls as long as nothing happens…and as long as he pays attention and is here for our son….he also knows that i cant put up with it forever. I think a relationship is more of working through the problems then just up and throwing it out the window.
After about 3-4 years of marriage (no kids), my wife became less and less interested in making love. It got to the point that it was happening (maybe) once a month or two. It was so bad that I couldn’t remember when the last time was. I was a nice, supportive husband, and we were otherwise affectionate.
I talked to her about it in a sensitive, understanding way. I also told her how deeply it hurt me to be rejected over and over again by my own wife. She, however, insisted that she was still attracted to me and still wanted me sexually. When it did happen, it was good for both of us, making the whole thing especially frustrating.
Each time after we talked about it, she said she would work on the issue, but things just got worse. Always tired, or “maybe tomorrow,” with nothing happening tommorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or the next month. Though it may not have been her intention, it seemed that she didn’t take the situation seriously and was making absolutely no effort whatsoever.
This went on for 2-3 years – apparently I was just supposed to deal with it. At one point, after eight consecutive months of rejection for sex (including during a romantic vacation we took to celebrate our wedding anniversary), I was at my wits end. I ended up meeting another woman completely out of the blue. We hit it off immediately, and after about a month we started having an affair (she knew I was married). It felt so nice to be wanted again!
Ok, so here is where many of you would say I should have just “gotten divorced.” It’s not that simple. In retrospect, I wish I would have gotten divorced at that point, but I still loved my wife and wasn’t necessarily ready to get divorced. Plus, you don’t just “get divorced,” the process takes some time even with the most straightforward divorce. Instead, I agonized over it, and the other issue in our marriage – we agreed before marriage to have children, but now she would not commit to doing so.
I am NOT a serial cheater. I had never cheated on anyone in my life. Several months of agonizing (and the affair) elapsed. I finally decided that I could not remain in the marriage, and told my wife I wanted a divorce. She wanted to go to counseling. I initially refused, but went after being badgered to go (“if you won’t go, that just shows you never loved me”). One marriage counseling session was enough – I’ll leave it at that.
We are now divorced. The guilt and stress took its toll on the other woman, so I don’t see her either. I feel sad about the divorce (I never thought it would happen to us – we met on eharmony btw), and I am not proud of breaking my vows. However, I refuse to take 100% responsibility for what happened. It’s not right that your own spouse should continually reject you to point you don’t want to make a pass at her anymore. I enjoy romantic lovemaking with foreplay and am not a 1-2 minute kind of guy (unless that’s what she wants). I suppose I could have told her I wanted a divorce if she wouldn’t sleep with me, but who wants to have sex with someone who is doing it under threat of divorce?
Frankly, I am frustrated with the venom directed at the article authors for suggesting that doing kind things for, and making love regularly with, your husband will generally reduce the chance of infidelity. I think the same advice applies to husbands, too. I also agree that this advice will not help with serial cheaters, but could help in situations like mine where I never would have thought in a million years I’d had an affair. I can say that it NEVER would have happened except after years of rejection and her completely ignoring my feelings.
As for infidelity, it’s wrong, but like many things in the human experience, it’s complicated and can’t be always be explained in black-and-white terms.
I except to get slammed for what I’ve written, but it’s worth it if it provides some insight into how these things can happen and maybe avoids it from happening to someone else.
Thank you for your honest and insightful story Joe. My husband, whom I would have never believed to be “that guy”, recently cheated on me. He made a huge mistake, which should not be blamed on me. However, knowing what may drive an otherwise “good guy” to cheat (as outlined in the article and in your response) is important for me personally. Of course, if one’s spouse is a serial cheater, who lacks the ability to feel guilt and empathy, the above article is not useful. But for those cases like I believe my husband’s and mine is, I think the article is helpful. Of course, it takes two people beginning with to make the relationship bad so it should not be only woman’s responsibility to “affair proof” it. Nonetheless, it is nice to get some helpful tips on what aspects of relationship are the most important for men and what men desire the most in their relationships. It is also nice to get insight from men like you Joe, who clearly are not callous and mean people but rather, act out of perceived desperation. With this said, I wish you had “threatened” your wife with divorce if your sex life did not improve instead of allowing yourself to begin an affair outside the marriage. Your wife may truly have not realized how big deal this was for you. Your wife’s sex drive could also have been greatly enhanced with medical or psychological help. If the reason for lack of her desire was psychological, she may have just needed some help to get over what ever it was that was blocking her. For women, it is often something emotional (maybe even from childhood). So, while I truly appreciate your bold and honest insight, I also hope that in a hindsight you can see how you could have made a different choice and truly tried to get to a bottom of your wife’s lack of sexual desire- instead of perceiving her low sex drive as her not wanting you (as hard as I understand that would have been). If she loved you, and was worried about losing you, she would have been motivated to discover the roots of her sexual dysfunction. It seemed based on your story that she did love you and wanted to work on your relationship. Finally, it is probably a lot better for you that you no longer are with the other woman either. A woman who is willing to engage in an affair with a married man is probably not going to be the kind of woman you want to build a future with. Good luck and thanks again!
I’ve been with my husband for over a year and he has cheated two times. He cried both times and apologized so many times I can’t count it. He says he doesn’t know why he does it but after he does he relizes how special I am and how much he loves me. He also sexts girls and sends/receives dirty pictures. We don’t know why he does it, and we don’t know what to do about it but he wishes he could stop. I wish he could too
I’ve been married for 12 years and thought I had the perfect family. I am a nurse, my husband does commercial plumbing in new business buildings. I enjoy traveling with him. I have two kids. We put God first in our family. We have bible study often. I was always taught throughout my life that a family that prays together stays together but boy was I mislead. I have seen other women phone numbers in his phone. I’ve seen Constant texts to women. I guess you’re wondering how I know well let’s say “I called them” and looked @ my phone bill. He denies it still. Even if I have proof he never live up to his faults.I then have seen email messages from him and other women about spending time with each other. But he lies his way out of it again. I ask him is he happy with our marriage. He says yes. But in his discussion with others he say he’s not. I constantly pray to God for our marriage but now I’m beginning to feel useless and mislead. I want to just go out and find someone on the side but my love for my husband is so strong. I constantly ask myself am I fooling myself or is there any hope for us.What’s so strange is that our sex life is are some. I am very spontaneous. I guess me asking him of things I find might be considered nagging because he never live up to his wrong doings and have me looking foolish.
I have been married for 17yrs and am taking good care of my husband but he has started cheating I cant take it anymore at home he gets everythng he wants
Been married for almost 19 years. My husband has cheated in the past. We have kinda moved on from there. Now he has found a childhood friend, who he claims is just a friend. He follows her on facebook and texts her everyday for almost an hour. These messages are only sent when I am not around. He leaves some information on his phone for me to read, but if you check his itemised bill there are messages missing. He deletes stuff he doesn’t want me to see. He keeps saying that I am being unfair because I don’t want him to talk to her. He initiates most of the messages. I really don’t know what to do. He told me that because I forbid him to speak to her it makes him want to speak to her more… I have no idea what messages are being deleted and when I ask him he says its stuff she about her husband that she doesn’t want anyone to know. Any suggestions on what I should do? Maybe it is innocent and I am making a big deal out of it and just “pushing” him away???